Please don't hate me too much. I would hate me if I was you though so I understand. :P Thank you for still reading this even though I take ages to update.

Songs for this chapter:

Breathe you in by Thousand Foot Krutch ( I don't own the chapter name)

Break Me down by Red

Guardian Angel by The Red jumpsuit apparatus

Clary didn't know what do so she simply allowed Jace to hold her close. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his chest. She listened to his heavy breaths and the pounding of his heart. She could tell he was drawing strength from her closeness the way she had from him so many times.

She looked up to see his eyes shining with tears, he was clearly fighting another breakdown.

"Look at me Jace." he seemed distant even as she listened to the frantic beating of his heart and it occurred to her to wonder if this was how he felt when she had breakdowns. When he could tell she was slipping into her own mind he couldn't stop it. But sometimes he could...and no matter what his being there made it better...it was her turn to be the strong one. Her turn to protect him from his worst enemy; himself.

She looked him in the eye. "It's going to be alright Jace. What ever happened. It's going to be fine."

He simply shook his head disbelievingly and hid his face in her hair.

"I'm being stupid." he mumbled. "This shouldn't even be this big of a deal."

"You should have woke me up."

"You need your sleep Clary. And I...I don't know. I thought I needed to be alone...I'm just stupid."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Not now. Not yet. I ...can I just hold you for a while?" He laughed darkly. "Gotta be one the creepiest things anyone ever asked you right?"

"A bit odd yes." she played with the slightly too long hair at the back of his neck. "But that's okay."

"How can you be near me when I'm like this?" he asked bluntly.

"You're being stupid again." she said softly. "Jace...just let me help you, kay? Enough worrying about me. I'm fine. It's my turn to take care of you. If you trust me?"

He hugged her more tightly to himself.

"With my life." he whispered into her hair.

"Oh Jace." she breathed, knowing he meant it.

Hoge came back in and pretended that he hadn't seen Jace holding onto the frail looking little girl as if letting go would mean death.

"Sit." he said pointing several wooden benches next to some particularly pretty flowers. "I will know what's going on and we might as well be comfortable."

Jace nodded but seemed unable to move. Clary took him by the hand and lead him over to a bench where she sat down next to him.

"Drink." Hoge said handing them each a mug of tea.

Clary took her mug but didn't take a sip. She was watching Jace, trying to figure out what was wrong. She watched as he slowly sipped his tea. She didn't want tea. All she wanted to do was hold him till she was sure he was safe.

"Drink. It will make you feel better."

She took a small sip unwilling to trust the kindness of a stranger. Inspite of how out of it he was at the moment Jace realized what was going through her mind.

"It's okay. It helps." he said softly.

She took another sip. It was slightly bitter but with honey in it was pretty good and did seem to help. She felt herself relax a little.

Jace glanced up as if asking for strength and maybe he was. Then he said. "I got a letter."

Hoge's eyes showed that he was an intelligent man and a look of understanding passed over his face. Clary wondered though how he could catch on quite so fast. She had a strong feeling she knew what was wrong but she didn't want to think about it. She didn't what Jace to have to deal with that.

"My-my father is looking for me." his voice broke once then went hard. All traces of tears gone. He only showed emotion with Clary she had noticed. It was like he had shut down that part of himself and only turned it on for her. Of course his sibling sometimes got to see the real Jace, but for the most part it was just her.

"Was it from him? If he sent you a letter that means he knows where you are." Hoge said calmly.

"He's been tracking me though the foster care system apparently. Or at least trying to. They wouldn't tell him where I was. I got a letter from my last worker...the one who sent me to the Lightwoods... " Clary gave his hand a soft squeeze and he went on. "She said he was looking for me...he seemed to have changed...she said if she were me she'd meet him somewhere."

"Are you going to?" asked Hoge in a kindly voice. He no longer seemed angry about having two teenagers in his greenhouse in the middle of the night.

"I don't know."

Hoge nodded. "You should get some sleep. Think about in the morning. I'm going back to bed. I'm much to old to be awake at this time of night. You two can stay here as long as you wish though."

With that the two if them were alone again.

"Jace we should go home." she said, gently pulling on his arm.

"Wait...I need to tell you something."

"You gonna tell me what ever it is you didn't tell Hoge?"

"Was it that obvious?"

"It was to me."

He sighed and rubbed his neck. "Stop seeing through me so well."

"Nah. I like making you uncomfortable."

"Of course you do." he sighed again as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Jace can you tell me somewhere that's not here?"

"Why?" he gave her a strange look.

"I'm not sure...just a feeling that's all."

He gave her a worried look.

"I'm sure I'm just being stupid but..."

He shook his head. "No. I know what you mean...Let's go."

" It's okay to cry you know." she finally said in a soft voice. "It's okay to let me help you for a change."

"A change? What's different about that? You're my angel Clary. My guardian angel."

"I thought it was you who was my angel...I guess we guard each other."

Jace nodded and pulled her into his lap.

"Something's wrong Clary."

"Lots of things are wrong Jace."

He shook his head, she was right of course. He shouldn't burden her with this! But...

"After all these years...why now? I'm 19 Clary...I'm not a little kid anymore...I...I don't even know..." he trailed off his thoughts didn't make any sense in his head how was he supposed to put them into words?

"I'm happy now Clary! I have a family, an overprotective mom...an annoying little sister...I have Alec and Max ...and ...I have you." she leaned her head against his chest at this and whispered "Yes you do."

"I have everything I could want or need and yet... It's not so much that I need him as a father...or even want him...I simply can't forget him...or forgive... I want to forgive him...I never wanted to before or I didn't know I did anyway...but when you asked me how to forgive...I realized that's what's wrong, why I can't really move on..."

"Then meet with him. If don't you'll never forgive yourself...I've been thinking...to forget...we have to forgive...I'm not sure I ever can completely...but to start...we have to say the words...say them out loud...to them..."

Jace nodded. "You're right my beautiful." then the full force of what she was thinking hit him.

"Clary...you're not thinking of... Of going to talk to him are you?" he knew she was though.

"I need to."

Jace looked at her for a long time. It didn't makes sense to him that so bravery fit inside of someone so small.

"Don't try and stop me. I'm going to need you Jace."

He nodded slowly. "I won't. And of course I'll be there. Just let me know what you need."

"Can I see it? The letter I mean." she asked bring the conversation back to him. He was always so focused on her that it was hard to get him to let her be there for him.

He nodded and got up gently moving her from his lap to the bed. He kelt down on the floor and pulled out a small silver box.

"This came with the letter." he said handing into her.

She read the letter first.

Dear Jonathan,

I would like to meet with you. I have much to explain. I am sure you have many questions about your past. Some of your questions may be answered by the contents of this box, although I am certain it will also raise more.

The whole letter was like that, cold and unfeeling, not at all what you would expect from a man who had not seen or spoken to him only son in years and had supposedly changed... yet Jacs handled it as if it was the most precious thing in the world. A part of him still harbored a childish dream that perhaps his father loved him. That maybe they could be a family. There was a phone number at the bottom of the letter. Jace was clutching the letter in one hand and his phone in the other as if he planned on calling him now; at two in the morning.

"You can't call now." she whispered.

He glanced at his phone as if he hadn't even realized he was holding it.

"I know..."

"You're going to meet with him?" she asked knowing that to him there was no other choice.

"Call him anyway." he nodded. Who was kidding? Of course he was going to meet with him.

"I'll go with you if you want...and I know Alec and Izzy will too."

He nodded. "I need you all there." Clary to give him strength and understand, Isabelle to keep him from chickening out -he couldn't be a coward in front of his little sister- and Alec to hold him back if he need to be restrained...he didn't want to think about that possibility but he know it was there...Plus he just wanted his brother there with him...

Clary sat there, simply being there for him. After a long time she carefully lifted the box and held it as gently as Jace himself had. As if it was a priceless treasure because to him it was.

"May I?"

He nodded. "Please." he whispered brokenly.

In the box were several old looking letters and a sharp silver knife.

"Jace..." she trailed off looking at the knife.

"I haven't used it. But my mother did."

"She died when you were little?" Clary asked confused.

Jace shook his head. "She killed herself."

"With this?" Clary whispered stroking the knife with one finger.

"No..." his voice was choked and his breathing was ragged.

"You don't have to tell me."

He shook his head. "I do. You need to know my past...as much of it as I know anyway...you need to know who I am."

"I know who you are Jace. And your past can't change that. It might have helped shape who you are, broke you and made you stronger...but I know who you are. You're Jace. The boy who saved me. The boy keeps saving me. The boy loves me even when I'm too lost in my own mind to remember it. The boy I love with my whole heart. Nothing you can tell me will ever change that. But if you want to tell me I'd be honored to listen."

Tears were pouring down his face now as he told her everything he knew. Then he showed her the letter folded carefully under the silver knife.

I'm so sorry Jonathan. I wouldn't leave you if there were another way. But there is not. I can not save you but I can save your sister. I'm pregnant Jace. I can not let him hurt her the way he does you. I just can't. It's hard for me to think that someday you'll be old enough to understand this, or at least read it. Please try to understand. He beats you...he makes you think you deserve it but you don't. This knife...this knife has been my only escape for so long now. I have just used it to cut the rope I will use to save your sister. Please forgive me for giving it to you. I need to know you have something of mine to remember me by. There is nothing else to give all I have at you and it. You my sweet darling are the only reason I lived this long. Please remember mommy loves you more then anything in this world. You're stronger than I was, I know can you make it. Please never give up. I wish I could be a better example. I love you my darling.

Remember mommy loves you more than you'll ever understand.

So... Thoughts? Ideas? Anything? Please? Review for a sneak peek! I'm going to try to get a chapter up in two week or less but honestly reviews help me to write faster...I'm not trying to hold back chapters for reviews or anything like that I just need some inspiration.