(AN: This is completely inspired by my little sister's production of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves. The play was a bit odd and I did some funny
commentary with it. I decided that Snow White had to many holes, so here's
my version of what happened. We all know that the story they teach you in
school can't be what happened. It's a bit odd and written in the style of
a play. Sorry, I was in the mood.)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but it's a fairy tale, so I suspect that no one owns it.
Scene I: Queen in her castle.
Queen: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: I can't really answer that.
Queen: Why not?
Mirror: Well, first of all, don't you think it's a bit shallow? What do looks do for the world? Do they solve the problems of war or feed hungry people? No! Second of all, Fairest is an adjective, by making any answer I make a subjective opinion.
Queen: Just answer the question!
Mirror: Fine! Snow White is the fairest of them all…But, If you want my personal opinion, which I'm guessing you do from the subjective statement…
Queen: I will not have this!
Mirror: Whatever. *Disappears*
Queen: Huntsman!
Huntsman: Yes, My Queen?
Queen: My stupid stepdaughter is getting on my nerves! I'd like you to kill her, and since you've blotched this jobs before, I'm gonna make sure you get it right. Cut out her heart and put it in this box.
Huntsman: I don't think that's very hygienic.
Queen: *gives huntsman death glare*
Huntsman: But you're the queen and whatever you say goes. So I'll get right on it!
Scene II: Field
Huntsman: Runs up behind Snow White and is about to stab her when he stops to see what she's doing*
Huntsman: Are you painting?
Snow White: Yes I call this Death in an Ocean.
1 Huntsman: A fellow artist! But I must kill you!
Snow White: You are going to kill me? Is this a confession?
Huntsman: All I want to do is paint! But I am the huntsman for the Queen, your stepmother. Actually that wouldn't be so bad, except that she doesn't want me to hunt deer. She wants me to hunt her enemies.
Snow White: Save it for Jerry Springier. What does this have to do with me?
Huntsman: You're her enemy. I must kill you.
Snow White: I think not. *Puts all her self-defense classes to good use and runs away*
Huntsman: Dang! Well, I don't fell like chasing her, So I'll kill that deer over there. The Queen will never know the difference.
Scene III: Forest/ Dwarves *Cough* Dorks *Cough* house
Snow White: I'm cold, hungry, tired, and thirst. I stay out in the woods and do the right thing I die. I break into that probably deserted house over there, and I live. That's a tough one. *Kicks down door. Goes about eating the dwarves food and drinking the water.*
Dwarves: *come home*
Snow White: I'm not buying anything!
Dwarves: This is our house!
Dwarf closest to end: Get out of our house before we sue!
Divine intervention: *Zaps dwarf closest to end*
Dwarf now at the end: Don't worry. *Kicks pile of ashes and bones* That was only Legal.
Snow White: My name is…
Dwarf closest to her: Can you cook, clean and sweep away the remains of Legal?
Snow White: I suppose so, but I was never very good at cooking.
Dwarf in the middle: Then we don't care what your name is! Clean and cook and you can have Legal's share of the food and his bed.
Snow White: Deal!
Dwarf nearest her: My name is Doc. The guy in the middle is Grumpy. Guy at the end's Happy. Guy right behind Grumpy is Bashful. He's hiding because he's shy. You probably won't see much of him, 'cause he doesn't know how to act around girls; not much social interaction in his youth. Anyway, Sneezy's in quarantine, 'til his allergies get better and the guy passed out in the corner is Sleepy. The guy in the tree back there is Dopey. He doesn't say much but he sure eats a lot.
Snow White: Right.
Grumpy: You got a nickname or something?
Snow White: not really, why?
Grumpy: You don't think the names doc gave you are our real names, do you? But let's face it, with a name like mine, Biff, even Grumpy's better.
Happy: Let's give her a nickname!
Doc, Grump, Happy: Snowy!
Snow White: Thank G-d I found that vodka while cleaning.
Scene IV: Castle
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Not another opinion question! Fine, have it your way. Snow White is the fairest.
Queen: But she's dead. We don't count dead people.
Mirror: I know, but she's not dead.
Queen: But her hearts in the box over there.
Mirror: Ever heard of a deer? My dear Queen, Your huntsman tricked you and ran away to be a painter. Snow White is still alive.
Queen: Where is she?
Mirror: What do you think this is? Sixty minutes? I'm not telling you!
Queen: Do it or I shall ask you opinion questions for the rest of your life.
Mirror: All right! Jeez, tough bargainer! She's shacked up with the seven dwarves.
Queen: *Flips through phone book* Got it, but it says eight dwarves.
Mirror: Legal had an unfortunate accident.
Queen: Thank…I mean, how sad. Well, I always did mean to come to visit.
Scene V: Dwarves place
Snow White and Doc are watching the rest of the dwarves—meaning Bashful, Dopey, Happy, and Grumpy—get plastered. They clink beer mugs.
Snow White: So, you're all brothers?
Doc: All of us except Legal. He was to weird to be human!
Snow White: I see. Grumpy seems to be rather odd as well.
Doc: You've really caught us at a bad time. Grumpy's third and fourth wife just called in for their alimony payments, and he's out of money.
Snow White: Ouch! All right, your turn.
Doc: Where'd you learn to cook?
Snow White: You try being locked in a room with only the same uncooked meat! You'd learn to cook too!
Doc: Right then. Your turn.
Snow White: Tell me about your brothers.
Doc: Isn't that 7 questions?
Snow White: I phrased it as one.
Doc: Fine! Lemme see. You already know about Grumpy and Legal. Happy; he's all right, just kinda perky. I think its cause ma gave him coffee as a child. Sneezy has killer allergies this time of year so we locked him in a separate room. Dopey got kicked in the head when he was 5, so he can't say a complete sentence in 24 hours. Bashful was always a push over, so grumpy and locked him in a room once, and sort of forgot about him. Fortunately, he found some food and water and was all right when we came back. Turns out he liked it there and didn't go out very often after that. Sleepy? He's just tired. He's not much help anywhere but he can sleep through anything.
Snow White: And I thought my family was bad! Your turn.
Doc: Why were you locked in a room?
Snow White: My step mothers Psychotic.
Doc: Right, your turn.
Snow White: Why do the others call you Doc?
Doc: OHHHH! *Flushes red and steam comes out of his ears* I have 4 Ph. D.'s, all in different areas, and I'm stuck here mining with my idiot brothers! Screw them! I wouldn't be here if it weren't for mother! She made me! She made me! *Breaks down sobbing.*
Snow White: 0_o *Quickly downs beer*
Scene VI: Field near Dwarves house
Queen: Damn that girl! Damn that huntsman! Curses on the world! *Downs 10th shot of Vodka* I hate them all! *Gets severely drunk. Wanders near Dwarves place and sees them leaving*
Snow White: Bye! See you all later! *Waves 'til dwarves are out of sight*
Queen: I've got you now! *Stumbles up to the front door of the dwarves house, completely drunk*
Snow White: Stepmother?
Queen: Damn it!
Snow White: Come on inside! You look awful!
Queen: Screw you!
Snow White: Look I don't like you, but I can't have my relatives wandering around drunk, so you're coming inside. Now! *Drags Queen into house*
Queen: *pukes on Snow White*
Snow White: Thank you, this is all I need! *Dunks queen's head under water pump in the back yard*
Queen: *begins to sober up*
Snow White: *Pulls apple out of apron pocket. Begins to eat*
Queen: *Karate chops Snow White in the neck* HIYA!
Snow White: *Chokes on apple and falls to the ground*
Grumpy: Snowy? You here? I forgot my lunch and came— *Sees Queen and screams like a girl. Sees Snow White and screams again*
Queen: Might be time to leave. *Runs away*
Dwarves: *rush in*
Grumpy: It's all right! I know CPR! *Begins mouth-to-mouth*
Prince: *runs in* I heard a lot of screaming, what's wrong? Let me help Grumpy! *Does mouth-to-mouth on Snow White*
Snow White: *Spits apple out of mouth*
Prince: What beauty! Marry me!
Snow White: What? NO! You're my brother for crying out #@$%$ loud! (AN: am I the only one who finds it odd that Snow White is a princess and she marries a prince? Wouldn't that make them siblings?)
Scene VII: Epilogue
Mirror: The queen ran away and ruled over the land for many more years, until a truck hit her. She always was the second fairest. Dopey never did manage to string a sentence together, but, about a month later, Sneezy was released from quarantine. Doc eventually left the dwarves and joined an architecture firm a few days walk away. Sleepy manages to run things during his periods of consciousness and Happy helped out. Bashful managed to get over his fear of girls and married a nice girl across town. They presently have 14 kids. Snow White and Grumpy ran off together and live on a farm a days walk from the rest of the dwarves. Legal's remains were shipped back to his parents…on Mars. The prince took over as King after the unfortunate accident *cough* murder *cough* that resulted in the death of the queen. He now lives in the castle with his wife and two daughters. Unfortunately, he was so disappointed by the turn out of the story that he invented his own. It was adopted and is the lie presently told to all school children. Do not be taken in! This is the true story! And what of me? After the incident with Snow White, I was put into storage where I am enjoying my very pleasant retirement.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The End ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but it's a fairy tale, so I suspect that no one owns it.
Scene I: Queen in her castle.
Queen: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: I can't really answer that.
Queen: Why not?
Mirror: Well, first of all, don't you think it's a bit shallow? What do looks do for the world? Do they solve the problems of war or feed hungry people? No! Second of all, Fairest is an adjective, by making any answer I make a subjective opinion.
Queen: Just answer the question!
Mirror: Fine! Snow White is the fairest of them all…But, If you want my personal opinion, which I'm guessing you do from the subjective statement…
Queen: I will not have this!
Mirror: Whatever. *Disappears*
Queen: Huntsman!
Huntsman: Yes, My Queen?
Queen: My stupid stepdaughter is getting on my nerves! I'd like you to kill her, and since you've blotched this jobs before, I'm gonna make sure you get it right. Cut out her heart and put it in this box.
Huntsman: I don't think that's very hygienic.
Queen: *gives huntsman death glare*
Huntsman: But you're the queen and whatever you say goes. So I'll get right on it!
Scene II: Field
Huntsman: Runs up behind Snow White and is about to stab her when he stops to see what she's doing*
Huntsman: Are you painting?
Snow White: Yes I call this Death in an Ocean.
1 Huntsman: A fellow artist! But I must kill you!
Snow White: You are going to kill me? Is this a confession?
Huntsman: All I want to do is paint! But I am the huntsman for the Queen, your stepmother. Actually that wouldn't be so bad, except that she doesn't want me to hunt deer. She wants me to hunt her enemies.
Snow White: Save it for Jerry Springier. What does this have to do with me?
Huntsman: You're her enemy. I must kill you.
Snow White: I think not. *Puts all her self-defense classes to good use and runs away*
Huntsman: Dang! Well, I don't fell like chasing her, So I'll kill that deer over there. The Queen will never know the difference.
Scene III: Forest/ Dwarves *Cough* Dorks *Cough* house
Snow White: I'm cold, hungry, tired, and thirst. I stay out in the woods and do the right thing I die. I break into that probably deserted house over there, and I live. That's a tough one. *Kicks down door. Goes about eating the dwarves food and drinking the water.*
Dwarves: *come home*
Snow White: I'm not buying anything!
Dwarves: This is our house!
Dwarf closest to end: Get out of our house before we sue!
Divine intervention: *Zaps dwarf closest to end*
Dwarf now at the end: Don't worry. *Kicks pile of ashes and bones* That was only Legal.
Snow White: My name is…
Dwarf closest to her: Can you cook, clean and sweep away the remains of Legal?
Snow White: I suppose so, but I was never very good at cooking.
Dwarf in the middle: Then we don't care what your name is! Clean and cook and you can have Legal's share of the food and his bed.
Snow White: Deal!
Dwarf nearest her: My name is Doc. The guy in the middle is Grumpy. Guy at the end's Happy. Guy right behind Grumpy is Bashful. He's hiding because he's shy. You probably won't see much of him, 'cause he doesn't know how to act around girls; not much social interaction in his youth. Anyway, Sneezy's in quarantine, 'til his allergies get better and the guy passed out in the corner is Sleepy. The guy in the tree back there is Dopey. He doesn't say much but he sure eats a lot.
Snow White: Right.
Grumpy: You got a nickname or something?
Snow White: not really, why?
Grumpy: You don't think the names doc gave you are our real names, do you? But let's face it, with a name like mine, Biff, even Grumpy's better.
Happy: Let's give her a nickname!
Doc, Grump, Happy: Snowy!
Snow White: Thank G-d I found that vodka while cleaning.
Scene IV: Castle
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Not another opinion question! Fine, have it your way. Snow White is the fairest.
Queen: But she's dead. We don't count dead people.
Mirror: I know, but she's not dead.
Queen: But her hearts in the box over there.
Mirror: Ever heard of a deer? My dear Queen, Your huntsman tricked you and ran away to be a painter. Snow White is still alive.
Queen: Where is she?
Mirror: What do you think this is? Sixty minutes? I'm not telling you!
Queen: Do it or I shall ask you opinion questions for the rest of your life.
Mirror: All right! Jeez, tough bargainer! She's shacked up with the seven dwarves.
Queen: *Flips through phone book* Got it, but it says eight dwarves.
Mirror: Legal had an unfortunate accident.
Queen: Thank…I mean, how sad. Well, I always did mean to come to visit.
Scene V: Dwarves place
Snow White and Doc are watching the rest of the dwarves—meaning Bashful, Dopey, Happy, and Grumpy—get plastered. They clink beer mugs.
Snow White: So, you're all brothers?
Doc: All of us except Legal. He was to weird to be human!
Snow White: I see. Grumpy seems to be rather odd as well.
Doc: You've really caught us at a bad time. Grumpy's third and fourth wife just called in for their alimony payments, and he's out of money.
Snow White: Ouch! All right, your turn.
Doc: Where'd you learn to cook?
Snow White: You try being locked in a room with only the same uncooked meat! You'd learn to cook too!
Doc: Right then. Your turn.
Snow White: Tell me about your brothers.
Doc: Isn't that 7 questions?
Snow White: I phrased it as one.
Doc: Fine! Lemme see. You already know about Grumpy and Legal. Happy; he's all right, just kinda perky. I think its cause ma gave him coffee as a child. Sneezy has killer allergies this time of year so we locked him in a separate room. Dopey got kicked in the head when he was 5, so he can't say a complete sentence in 24 hours. Bashful was always a push over, so grumpy and locked him in a room once, and sort of forgot about him. Fortunately, he found some food and water and was all right when we came back. Turns out he liked it there and didn't go out very often after that. Sleepy? He's just tired. He's not much help anywhere but he can sleep through anything.
Snow White: And I thought my family was bad! Your turn.
Doc: Why were you locked in a room?
Snow White: My step mothers Psychotic.
Doc: Right, your turn.
Snow White: Why do the others call you Doc?
Doc: OHHHH! *Flushes red and steam comes out of his ears* I have 4 Ph. D.'s, all in different areas, and I'm stuck here mining with my idiot brothers! Screw them! I wouldn't be here if it weren't for mother! She made me! She made me! *Breaks down sobbing.*
Snow White: 0_o *Quickly downs beer*
Scene VI: Field near Dwarves house
Queen: Damn that girl! Damn that huntsman! Curses on the world! *Downs 10th shot of Vodka* I hate them all! *Gets severely drunk. Wanders near Dwarves place and sees them leaving*
Snow White: Bye! See you all later! *Waves 'til dwarves are out of sight*
Queen: I've got you now! *Stumbles up to the front door of the dwarves house, completely drunk*
Snow White: Stepmother?
Queen: Damn it!
Snow White: Come on inside! You look awful!
Queen: Screw you!
Snow White: Look I don't like you, but I can't have my relatives wandering around drunk, so you're coming inside. Now! *Drags Queen into house*
Queen: *pukes on Snow White*
Snow White: Thank you, this is all I need! *Dunks queen's head under water pump in the back yard*
Queen: *begins to sober up*
Snow White: *Pulls apple out of apron pocket. Begins to eat*
Queen: *Karate chops Snow White in the neck* HIYA!
Snow White: *Chokes on apple and falls to the ground*
Grumpy: Snowy? You here? I forgot my lunch and came— *Sees Queen and screams like a girl. Sees Snow White and screams again*
Queen: Might be time to leave. *Runs away*
Dwarves: *rush in*
Grumpy: It's all right! I know CPR! *Begins mouth-to-mouth*
Prince: *runs in* I heard a lot of screaming, what's wrong? Let me help Grumpy! *Does mouth-to-mouth on Snow White*
Snow White: *Spits apple out of mouth*
Prince: What beauty! Marry me!
Snow White: What? NO! You're my brother for crying out #@$%$ loud! (AN: am I the only one who finds it odd that Snow White is a princess and she marries a prince? Wouldn't that make them siblings?)
Scene VII: Epilogue
Mirror: The queen ran away and ruled over the land for many more years, until a truck hit her. She always was the second fairest. Dopey never did manage to string a sentence together, but, about a month later, Sneezy was released from quarantine. Doc eventually left the dwarves and joined an architecture firm a few days walk away. Sleepy manages to run things during his periods of consciousness and Happy helped out. Bashful managed to get over his fear of girls and married a nice girl across town. They presently have 14 kids. Snow White and Grumpy ran off together and live on a farm a days walk from the rest of the dwarves. Legal's remains were shipped back to his parents…on Mars. The prince took over as King after the unfortunate accident *cough* murder *cough* that resulted in the death of the queen. He now lives in the castle with his wife and two daughters. Unfortunately, he was so disappointed by the turn out of the story that he invented his own. It was adopted and is the lie presently told to all school children. Do not be taken in! This is the true story! And what of me? After the incident with Snow White, I was put into storage where I am enjoying my very pleasant retirement.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The End ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~