Be My Heart
by Cyberchao X

CCX: Finally went back to Katawa Shoujo, and I started out by replaying the routes I'd completed on the other computer before heading towards the ones that I have yet to experience. And while I still like the idea of Hisao giving Emi a taste of her own medicine, I think there's an even easier way for him to nip this problem in the bud. Again, I'll be starting off with direct dialogue and then breaking off into originality. Standard disclaimer applies.

I break the kiss with a wrench of self control that nearly kills me. "Hey, wait."

Emi's eyes crinkle in confusion. "Huh? Wait for what?"

"We need to talk."

"Isn't that supposed to be my line? And never a good thing to say?"

She's got a point. It's usually the lead-in to a breakup. Or the prelude to a fight. "Maybe it can be a good thing this time. Er, that's the hope, anyway."

"Uh… huh. Can we at least get onto the bed? It's my first day back on these things, and I'm still readjusting. Plus the nurse said I should try to be on them less often, since running puts such a strain on them."

"Can't argue with that." It's a trap, we both know it, and we both don't care. Then again, it's awfully hard to get angry while in bed with the object of your affections, so maybe there's that motivation too.

I set Emi's legs by the bedside and sit down next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulders. In silence, we just enjoy being able to be in this position again for a few minutes. Then, of course, I need to ruin it by opening my mouth. "Look, I know that… that you've been having kind of a rough time of it lately. And I want to help you out. I thought it was just exams getting to you, but now I come to your room and you've been crying, and that kills me. But I can't do anything if you won't talk to me about it."

"I told you, I'm fine."

"No, you aren't. It's obvious something's eating at you. You can tell me, you know."

There's the slightest increase in tension in Emi's voice. "Why is my saying I'm fine not good enough? You're concerned, I get that. That's cool. But I'm fine, and it's nothing that you need to worry about."

"Not sleeping and spacing out more than Rin doesn't strike me as 'being fine.' I just… I want to help."

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah, I don't like seeing you like this. I want you to be happy, you know?" I get the feeling that came out wrong, because Emi fixes me with an icy stare.

"So you want to fix me, Hisao?" She's definitely getting angry now. "Wanna swoop in on your white charger and save the day? Stop the nightmares, the phantom limb pains? Restore what's lost?" Her voice catches in her throat, and the tears start to flow. "Well you can't. Nobody can. Nobody will."

I'm so stunned by her verbal assault that I remain quiet. Neither of us says anything for a while. I'm surprised that Emi tightens her grip on me rather than pushing me away. After a deep breath, she starts talking again. "Look, I'm sorry. I just… there's these nightmares. About the accident." Ah. The accident. I should've known. It took her legs, after all, but it never comes up, of course. "And I usually deal with them fine, because I can run. Running clears my head like nothing else. I don't have to worry about anything while I'm running. I just concentrate on breathing, on the rhythm of things. It's easier that way. Life's easier that way. Just keep moving forwards, you know? Nothing else matters, just getting around the next curve. And then it's the next curve, and the next, and the next, until I can't go any more, or think any more, or do anything but slow down and walk until I catch my breath again. After something like that, nothing else matters. But I've been stuck in that goddamned wheelchair for too long. So, no outlet. Today it just kinda boiled over a little."

"You could have talked to me about it, you know. You didn't have to go it alone."

Emi smiles sadly, like she's trying to explain to a child that all fire burns. "Yeah, I did. And I do."

"But why? Why do you have to keep going through this alone? Why can't you just trust me enough to let me help you?"

That smile again. Emi leans in and kisses me on my cheek, an almost motherly gesture. She leaves her mouth close to my ear, as she confesses this one thing to me. "Because, Hisao. I've already had everything I knew ripped away from me once. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again." She pauses, as if uncertain as to whether or not she should continue. I can feel a violent churning in my gut. She continues. "So I can't rely on you. Or the nurse. Or anyone else. Just me. That's how it's got to be." Having delivered this short speech, she looks down and covers her mouth with the back of her hand.

"…That's stupid." Emi looks up, surprised that I had a response. "No one should be forced to go it alone.

"Hisao, I don't need your help. I've been fine all this time before I met you. I don't need you to save me.

"…So it's all about you?" I try to remain calm; no sense taxing my heart any more than it needed to be. But Emi was being selfish. "So what am I to you, then?"

"You're my boyfriend, Hisao. Nothing less, nothing more."

"Glad to hear it. I was worried that maybe you didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore." She said nothing, so I continued. "But have you ever considered that not everyone can be that strong? That maybe some of us can't cope with their loss on their own, and needed someone else to pull them out of their depression, to… to keep them from engaging in self-destructive behavior? To… fix them?"

"I don't need 'fixing'!"

"No, you don't. But like I said…not everyone is as strong as you, Emi. Have you forgotten? How this all began? How we began? I was the new student here, and I was depressed as hell. I felt like I'd rather still be in the hospital than at this school for defective people. No, don't stop me, I'm just telling it the way I saw it at the time. But I wasn't willing to take the necessary steps to save myself. If left to my own devices, I would have stuck to my sedentary lifestyle, would've kept on eating all of that unhealthy fried food… I should be honest with you; after we parted ways at the festival, I went back to the food stalls and picked up some junk food. Cake."

I receive a smack with a pillow for this. "Moron."

I smile back at her. "But I didn't have to go it alone. I had a savior. Someone who told me to keep on living… someone who gave me a reason to keep on living. And maybe I need her, and just want to do something for her that can repay that kindness." I pause. "Would you prefer to think of it that way? If I was only doing this out of some twisted sense of duty, to repay a debt?"

"…No. I don't think I would like it if I thought that everything between us was just because you felt you owed me."

I sigh. "Good, because I really do love you. And because…nothing I could do for you could possibly compare to what you've done for me. What you continue to do for me."

I get up and turn to leave. "Hisao, wait!"

"…Nah. You're strong enough to go it alone, remember? Besides…I don't really know what you've gone through."

"Hisao…"

"We'll talk about this another time. Right now…what you probably need is to be alone."

"…But what do you need?"

"All I need right now is to know that you're okay, and that we're still okay. And I've got that. I… I was really worried, you know? That you didn't really care for me, that we were just… friends who happened to fuck. But I should have known better. So I'll respect your wishes and leave this. Just know that whenever you need me—if you ever need me—I'm here for you." I leave, not wanting to give Emi a chance to complicate things further. I'm no longer in any condition to hear her out; this day has already been so emotional.

Emi still looks worn the next day, though she tries to remain her usual chipper self. "Trouble sleeping?"

"It wasn't so bad. No nightmares. Mostly I was thinking about what you said. But that's going to change. Come on, it's time to get going. We're going to be heading to my house for dinner." It wasn't a question. I tease her about this, but there's no way I'd refuse.

I can't help but notice how Mrs. Ibarazaki tries to cover for Emi. As the dinner wears on, though, it becomes obvious how much Emi has let me into her life, and so Mrs. Ibarazaki lets her guard down… and slips up. "Hey, Emi, I've been meaning to ask…"

"Huh?"

"Are you going to visit your father this year?" From the way she says it, you'd think Emi's mother was talking about the weather. From the way Emi reacts, it's clearly not the weather they're talking about.

She flinches, a slight jerk of the head backwards as if she's just been slapped in the face. "Can we talk about this later?" Her voice sounds brittle, strained. It looks as if she's been severely shaken by the question. It seems Mrs. Ibarazaki misjudged just how close Emi and I are. Some things, it seems, are best not conversed about with me around. Her father is one of those things. The accident that took her legs is probably another one of those things, if her reaction to the earlier conversation between her mother and myself is any indication.

It doesn't take Emi's mother long to realize she's screwed up. "Of course we can, dear. I'm sorry to bring it up, I just wanted to ask so I could make plans—"

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." Emi fidgets nervously, as if embarrassed by her own reaction. I confess that her reaction is confusing. She only just mentioned her father to me earlier today! Less than a few hours ago, even! Why does a simple question about when she'll visit her father cause such a strong reaction? Unless…

…Unless the two things are really one thing. I remember that running was something she used to do with her father, and it sounds as though they were really close. But he's "not around any more". And obviously she would have had to have been a passenger in the car accident that took her legs, so who was the driver? "I've already had everything I knew ripped away from me once."

"I'll uh, be right back. Gotta visit the little girl's room." Emi gets up suddenly and leaves the table, leaving me and Mrs. Ibarazaki alone. I'm a little conflicted. Should I go after her, or should I stay here? It's obvious that Emi's departure was not based on the call of nature. Something's bothering her, and I have to know what it is. But this is Emi we're talking about. She'd obviously get mad if I pushed her.

There's an awkward silence at the table for a while after Emi dashes off. I'm willing to wait it out, but Emi's mother sighs, breaking the silence. "Sorry about that, Hisao. I sometimes forget that Emi's touchy about certain subjects. And I was talking about the wheelchair thing, too…"

"That's just Emi, though, right? I want to be there for her, but… she's too independent."

"I'm glad you figured that out on your own. She's stubborn as a mule." Mrs. Ibarazaki sighs, a little sadly. "Still hesitant about getting close to people, huh? I keep hoping that she'll get over that. It's funny, really. She's bounced back from the accident in so many ways… I guess some things never really go away." From the looks of it, the whole thing bothers her, too. She seems to be a little more willing to talk about the accident without Emi around, though.

"Hey, I've got a question, if it's all right."

"Oh?"

"What else did Emi lose in that accident? The nurse said that she gets this way near the anniversary, and she won't talk about it to me…"

"So you thought I'd fill you in, hmm?"

"…No. Forget it. I think I've already figured it out, so…I just need to wait for Emi to trust me enough to confirm it." The conversation ends, and I wait for what I believe to be a reasonable amount of time before getting up to search for Emi. "Ah, good. Any longer and I might have started to worry about you."

"'Any longer'?"

"You've been gone for awhile. Must've been pretty bad. But that's not really a topic that anyone likes to talk about so we should probably talk about something else."

"Hisao… what are you talking about?"

"You leaving to go to the bathroom, of course."

Emi looks down sheepishly. "I…didn't really have to go to the bathroom."

"Yeah, I know."

"Ass. Then why pretend?"

"What would you have done if I confronted you?"

She sighs. "…I would've gotten mad and thrown you out of the house."

"You're not an easy girl to love. Want to talk about what's bugging you?"

"Not really."

"Figured as much. Would you get mad if I took a guess?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"What if I've figured it out? You'd be forced to either tell me the truth before you were ready or outright lie to me and say that my theory was wrong when it's really correct."

"Good point. Better keep your theories to yourself, then."

"Sure thing. You'll have to open up to me some day, though."

"I'll 'have' to?"

"Or you could just break up with me."

"…How did it get like this? I invited you here because I wanted to open up to you more; show you that you mean a lot to me."

"Emi…" I hadn't even noticed, but Emi's mother has joined us in the kitchen.

"How much did you hear?"

"Not much. Are you serious about opening up to Hisao?"

"…Yeah. Hisao, maybe you should tell me what you think you know."

"Here's what I know. I know that the anniversary of your accident is coming up soon—don't glare at your mother, Emi; it was the nurse who told me that much—and that you have a tendency to get depressed around this time of year. I know, not because anyone told me, that you're too strong to let something like that affect you—you called yourself "the fastest thing on no legs"; you haven't let the accident define you. So it only seems logical to think that you lost something else in that accident."

"I also know that you were very close to your father when you were younger, that you started running because of him and that he used to be the one that came to your track meets. And I know that he's 'not around anymore.' And you started acting uncomfortable when the topic of your father came up—that much is obvious. Also, you told me last night that you've already had everything you knew ripped away from you once. Beyond that, though, is where I have to start theorizing."

"One more thing that I know is that you lost your legs in an automobile accident. While I suppose that it's possible that a pedestrian being run down by a car could be categorized as such, the obvious assumption upon hearing this would be that you were in a car that was in a collision with another car. And by extension, that you were a passenger in said car, since even now you're too young to drive."

Emi looks down sheepishly. " 'M actually a year older than you."

"…Huh?"

"I missed nine months after the accident. Everyone assumes because of my height that I'm one of the youngest in my class, but I'm actually a year older than all of my classmates."

"…Okay, so you're old enough now that you could get your license. But the point is still valid because we're coming up on the anniversary of the accident and you wouldn't have been old enough at this point just last year. So someone else must have been driving. And based on everything I know, the most reasonable hypothesis would be that your father was the driver…and that he wasn't as lucky as you were. He… he died, didn't he?"

Tears stream down Emi's face, and she says nothing, but as her mother starts to speak, she cuts her off and starts nodding. "Yeah… you figured it out, Hisao. You happy now?"

"How could I be happy?" I wrap my arms around her, allow her to hide her face in my chest, just cry it out. She has every right to cry, but she's still too proud to let anyone see her do so. "From what little I've heard, you were very close to your father, and…"

She mumbles something into my chest.

"What?"

"They thought I was completely paralyzed. After the accident. They didn't think I'd be able to use what remained of my legs. It was just shock, though…acute paralysis from the trauma of losing my legs, and my father. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I didn't even get to see him; couldn't go to the gravesite until two months afterwards… couldn't go to his funeral."

"I can't pretend that I can relate to your loss. You and I both ended up at Yamaku after being hospitalized for a long time, but all I lost was a part of myself. You lost more. And yet…you handled your loss so much better than I did. You tried to soldier on alone, afraid to ever let anyone else get close enough that you could feel that sense of loss ever again… but you blundered. You forgot that if you can't allow yourself to rely on anyone…you also can't allow anyone else to come to rely on you."

Emi couldn't help but laugh even as the tears continued to stream down her face. "Hisao, you idiot…"

"Is that a problem? Am I too needy for an independent girl like you?"

"No, of course not." She engages me in a kiss, the same type of deep passionate kiss that I've recently come to equate with her being desperate to change the subject, but when she breaks it off, she continues the conversation we'd already had going. "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do need you… You and Rin both, actually." The sudden mention of Rin surprises me. "My only two real friends… both of whom need me. I feel so selfish…I needed to be needed. Rin has no arms, so I act as her arms. You have a weak heart, so I… I keep you moving, keep you fighting to stay alive. I act as your heart." She pauses. "That sounds very selfish when I actually say it out loud."

"And perhaps a bit conceited, but humility was never one of your strong suits. But I'm not mad, because you're right. You help Rin with the things that she can't do on her own, and you get me to do the things I wouldn't have done on my own. But if you can be my heart…why can't I be your legs?"

"Because I don't need legs. Fastest thing on no legs, remember?"

"I don't know; my legs sure came in handy when you couldn't get the paint from the top shelf for Rin."

Emi's smiling now, the tears no longer flowing but still covering her cheeks. "You're an ass, you know that?"

"I could think of worse things to be." I covertly slide my hand down her back and squeeze, letting the implication sink in.

Her expression at my sudden boldness is absolutely priceless. She's torn between eviscerating me for daring to do something like that in front of her mother and trying to pretend nothing happened rather than draw attention to it. I move my hand back up to her waist. "Well, I guess you win. You can be my support…the one who helps me to stand tall."

"I didn't know that it was a contest. That's something I'd expect from Shizune."

"Amazing how someone who can't hold a conversation can be so forceful. Though having such a loud interpreter certainly helps." We laugh, glad to be able to change the subject. I think we've talked about her past quite enough for one day. "It's next week."

Of course, I could be wrong. "What?"

"The anniversary. It's in a week. You… you'll come with me, right? Be my support? Help me stay strong… be there if I need to cry?"

I've always hated cemeteries; so much finality to them. It creeps me out, walking among the dead. "To visit your father?" She nods. "I wouldn't miss it for the world. Besides… I have to ask him for his blessing to carry on with his daughter like this."

"I think you're getting ahead of yourself, Hisao."

"…Now when did I say anything about moving forward?" Emi looks guilty. "Did you think I was going to ask for his blessing to marry you? It's much too early to think about that… Though with all of the uncertainty that comes with life—any life, though in my case it's particularly uncertain, if not as much so as it was when I arrived at Yamaku—I can't say the thought of spending it with you isn't appealing."

Emi starts grinning again, and it's striking how girlish she looks. It must be the height. And the twintails. "I suppose I could let you do that… I am quite a catch, after all."

"And modest, too."

"Very modest."

We both can't help but laugh. "I love you, Emi."

"I love you too, Hisao."

CCX: Still have to play those other routes, so there may be a non-Emi fic coming out depending on how it goes. I note that near the end—after you've already gotten past the last choice and are definitely headed toward the good ending—Hisao gets to a point where he actually does feel like he knows why Emi is so disturbed, but doesn't want to say what he thinks because he wants Emi to tell him herself.

On another note, I looked up the legal driving age for Japan when I was working on Lonely No More, regarding the dance—of course, it wasn't really a big deal that it was as high as it is, because the characters in that story are rich and have access to limousines. But yeah, it's 18 there, so at the start of their final year in high school, most students wouldn't have their licenses yet. Emi, of course, is actually a year older than the other third-years, so presumably she is in fact 18 when the game takes place. Although I'd imagine she'd be a bit hesitant to get her license anyway…probably would bring back some demons.

And much as "A Good Bad Ending" became "White Knight", this fic was originally called "An Even Better Ending", and likewise changed. Hope you enjoyed it. Ja ne!