Disclaimer: This is called Fanfiction for a reason (emphasis on 'fan').

WARNING: Severe cracks, fissures, splinters and fractures ahead (maybe even an earthquake). You have to have watched Season 4 Episode 8 "Lamia" to get the joke though. This is an alternate (but completely ought to be trounced, buried and decomposed) turn of events that starts around 34 minutes into the episode mentioned above. Enjoy!

"There's something about you Merlin. The way she looks at you… as if you're the enemy" Gwen gave him an inquisitive look, eyebrows furrowing as if trying to figure out a puzzle.

Merlin gave a disinterested shrug, hoping to divert her scrutiny and struggling to keep his nerves under control.

Gwen would not be able to figure he has magic, would she? But she was smart; he must have slipped up tons of times, given his clumsiness and too quick mouth. Gwen could easily piece those hints together.

No, no, that was too big a jump. Even Gwen could not leap to the conclusion of him having magic just because a young girl seemed to hate him.

But was it not odd that she seemed to only loathe him, yet was too chummy with the other knights? After all, Merlin never had done anything to gain her scorn.

Who was to say she could not have any reason to hate him? It could be that she only liked burly knights, or she disliked clumsiness, or maybe she just could not stand the sight of his ridiculously large ears. Yeah, maybe that was it.

However-

Merlin's thoughts were cut off as Gwen opened her mouth again, realisation settling upon her features.

"Could it be…?"

Jitters raked his spine and Merlin wondered how Gwen did not seem to hear the cacophonous thumping of his nerve-wrecked heart.

Oh no…

"Could it be that you have a sexual preference for men?"

Merlin swore his heart stopped beating for a moment, barely succeeding in holding in the spluttering that threatened to spill forth. He was about to discount her outrageous theory with long logical citations of evidence indicating otherwise and maybe throw in a few indignant looks but all that came out was an intelligent "What?"

Gwen shifted rather uncomfortably.

"That means to say are you by any chance… homosexual?"

Merlin could not decide which conclusion Gwen reached was worse.

A/N:

I can only imagine two types of reactions from you:

1) "This is utterly preposterous and I can't believe the author has the audacity to post this up for others to read. Honestly!"

2) Laughing on the ground in hysterics because the ground cracked open.

Or if you failed to heed my warning about watching the episode mentioned above:

3) "I don't get it" and proceed to stare blank at the screen.

Frankly, I would have gone with the first option if only this wasn't my own work.

Nevertheless, leave a flame, laugh, cookie or forest fire. Anything. I thank you sincerely for trudging through this swamp of nonsense.