Chapter 4: "Fuck You! I'm a Dragon!"

"Gary-chama!" roared a convulsing A.S.S. as her magical, pulsing, animu nipple-dick tentacles continued to rape Derby in the ass. "You came back for me!"

Gary paid no attention to A.S.S. or anything else for that matter, as his crippling A.D.D. gave him the attention span of a 'roiding formal high school football star who beats his wife and small child violently. Indeed, Gary's A.D.D. is a DRAMATIC, life-threatening illness that calls for many manly tears, razor blades, and mirrors. (Oh, don't forget the straws!) DRAMTIQUE!1! DON'T TALK SHIT 'BOUT A.D.D.

In his passionate 'tard RAEG, the sociopathic gimp began to flap his arms alarmingly, a common motion done by this magical race of people. He also began to crab walk in a circle as his empty eye sockets ejaculated piles of mystery mayonnaise everywhere he went, and the sensuous streams glittered under the starlight like a male stripper's a-noos during a good day.

Derby grinned, his eyes squinted. "lol u mad, bro?"

After using protect over nine-thousand tiems (DAMN IT, U CHEAP FUCKER.), a mad, horny Gary thrusted towards the couple with all his burning ECSTACY. He was going to erotically murder them with his massive razor penis, like he did his cruel and abusive stepfather.

"A.S.S!" exploded Gary, who inexplicably transformed into Orgasmitron. "Y U NO LUV ME?" His giant robo-cock seared a hole through city hall with its destructo-ray, ruining Jimmy's beautiful work of art. Nothing happened because Jimmy died in a terrorist bombing. (Good night, sweet prince...)

"Derby-chan, I'm scared and need protection, even though I has MAGIC POWAHZ!1!" commented A.S.S. as she clung to Derby's nerve-stricken, protruding arm muscles.

"Don't worry, A.S.S.-DESU-chan! I'll save you!" He gazed at her one last time with his beauteous cocaine silver eyes. "I love you." Derby then proceeded to shoot up into space with his jetpack a-noos. He was about to transform into a robo-senator complete with BIG, MAJESTICAL BALLS, but Kirby FIRED HIS LAZOR, and Derby was killed-illed-illed-illed. Kirby became a national hero and went on to serve as the Mockingjay during the final battle against the Capitol.

As for Derby, he ended up sumptuously buried next to Jimmy in the local cemetery. A.S.S. continued to visit him, because emu hipster faggots like to look speshul by hanging around the graves of dead grandmothers and small children. (Plus, everyone knows that dead people give emus GIGANTIC BONERS!)

Upon seeing that all his competition was dead, Gary fell sexually to Earth. The searing wind sailed between his chesnut locks of hair, nipping at his face. He savored the sting against his lips, one last kiss before a cold, abrupt end. A gritty guitar solo played in the background, commanding his eyes to shut for one last, eternal sleep.

Also, Petey was playing with a paddleball for half an hour in the background. You see him? Yeah, right there. (Say hi to Petey, dear.)

Suddenly, a massive, penile object broke Gary's fall. The seizuring, pants-pissing sociopath amazingly did not break his spine, but he did manage to jizz in his panties a few times before realizing that he didn't die. ('Cause everyone knows that death makes emus jizz in their pants!)

He peered downwards in shock, only to discover that said flying dildo was a mutated Derby. He had inexplicably transformed into a BEAUTEOUS SPACE DRAGON!1! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!111!

Dragon!Derby flaunted his sexy pierced balls to anyone fortunate enough to be standing on Earth. He had cruel, piss golden eyes that raeped people up the ass like a divorce settlement. His magnifical wings left a trail of glittery AIDS in the air, which scientists believe is the way basement dwellers like to summon potential, non-existent mates. Upon rubbing his severed dick on Dragon!Derby's unicorn horn, the sexual beast opened its massive, vaginal jaw and let out a spew of MAGISTIQUE FAIRY PELLETS!1! Said pellets rained down upon the pitiful human population, setting all they touched aflame. Crabblesnitch left his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind. (Mmm... Bacon...)

Gary's surprise grew upon seeing A.S.S. riding on Derby's sexy, muscular dragon cock. YES. IT WAS THAT BIG. Her head turned all the way around to glance at her beauteous love-slave, with her carnivorous tears augmenting her murder red eyes. The two shared a moment of touching and sentimental intimacy. Johnny got a hard-on, seeing he was turned on by moments of touching and sentimental intimacy.

After making the dangerous trip to Dragon!Derby's sacred, scaly pen0r, Gary crushed A.S.S.'s tiny wrists in his manly grip. "A.S.S. Ever since I first saw your beauteous a-noos, I have been madly in love with you. Oh, take me! Take me here! Make me your sexy, little girl!"

"Oh Gary," crooned A.S.S. sensuously. "You always know what mommy wants. Now BEND OVER."

Gary anticipated the feeling of the massive eggplant being shoved up his love pit, but instead felt his insides bounce. Unfortunately, they were not sailing safely through the air on the massive penis of a magical dragon (no matter how much LSD they took backstage). In fact, the three jailbait teenagers were falling sexily to their beautiful deaths. This was not unexpected, seeing that real dragons don't fucking exist.

Suddenly, the Ghost of Jimmy walked onto stage wearing a sharp pinstripe suit. Stopping in front of the microphone, he turned towards the audience and said, "Hello, everyone. Welcome to the 9001st Annual Bullworth Charity Event. The Bullworth Charity Council is made up of outstanding and inquisitive students dedicated to bettering the community of our wonderful town. I have come here today to inform you all of the recent crisis that has been afflicting our fair town. Dragons. That's right. Many people will tell you that dragons don't exist, and that is true. However, some basement dwellers will kindly disagree and will also be dying alone in the near future. If you see said people, KILL WITH FIRE. Trust me, you'll be doing the world a favor."

The camera zoomed out, only to show a bunch of formally dressed students clustered around the illuminated, blushing young man. The hive mind that had its spiny tentacles up all their tight, little a-nooses commanded them to open their mouths and say, "THE MOAR YOU KNOW..."

Upon facing a romantic and completely unnecessary death, A.S.S., Johnny, and Derby all melted into a single unit of exotic ecstacy. The falling scene dragged on longer than it should have, but the death scene of someone as FUCKING AWESUM as A.S.S. had to last for at least three hours, give or take one hundred pointless filler episodes. To spare you the crippling emotional pain that you would undoubtedly suffer from reading their angst-riddled, last words to each other, here's a description of Bif eating some cereal:

Gord changed the grocery list again.

Bif knew about the sordid scheme from the moment he tore open that pantry door, only to find his one, true nemesis staring back at him: Kix. Kix cereal. He didn't understand why exactly Gord loved those tasteless, white balls of sawdust. Nonetheless, he found his hand snagging the box from its home, his mind already ablaze with less-than-civilized assumptions about those accursed, little puffs. He hated Kix with all his hate.

In just a few moments, the bowl was filled to the brim with those tiny abominations that people considered a part of a balanced breakfast. Some of them made evil, little popping noises as they sucked up the milk from the bowl, like a couple of rabid beasts. It reminded him of the parasites, the poverty-stricken majority that had always asked for free handouts from people of his social standing. Without a word, Bif slowly finished the soggy Kix, withholding vomit each time the slushy mess crawled down his throat.

Gord was going to pay for this.

The Kix then exploded in his face, smashing his skull into a million cherry flavored bits. Gord crawled on all fours and began to sensuously lick the pieces off the ground like some horny cat. Johnny got a hard-on, seeing that he enjoyed hawt cannibalism during sex. Crabblesnitch? You can guess what happened to Crabblesnitch.

Anyway...

A.S.S. and Johnny ended up wasting thirty minutes of your life with their magnificent death scene, which ended with them celebrating Johnny's rich Native American heritage with a gang shoot-out. Unfortunately, you didn't get to see this sexy shoot-out because they were busy spreading the AIDS to the water supply. Don't worry. They managed to kill an orphanage full of small, starving children with numerous, inexplicable talents that would have gotten them a movie deal later in life. Oh, kids these days!

They also didn't die. OMG, liek we weren't expecting that!1!

A.S.S. recovered from her inexplicable, short-term amnesia and suddenly remembered that she was some half-angel, half-Japanese, half-Pikachu, half-Sonic the Hedgehog abomination. She carried both Johnny and Derby in her slimey, fish-scented arms as they safely floated towards the desecrated remains of Bullworth Academy. Johnny and Derby celebrated their second chance at life by spending the next fifteen chapters lamenting over whatever the fuck just happened. (NEEDZ MOAR ANGST.)

Suddenly, a menacing stranger appeared out of the shadows and grabbed A.S.S., obviously intending to rape her sweet virgin manhole.

It was...

DUN DUN DUN!

Mudkip!