A/N: I can explain! I was on a caffeine high, there were only a few hours of sleep involved, I'd had a lot of sugar in the last 20 minutes, and the drunken shenanigans of the human population greatly amuse me.

I... still have no idea where this even came from, though. orz

Also!: Just out of curiosity, does anyone want more explanation behind all the events that occurred in chapter Four? What I mean is, do you want to actually see how their night went that led to all the shenanigans mentioned there? Lemme know if you're interested in me writing those up.

"Pepper, I just don't understand what you're trying to tell me here. Did you or did you not sleep with this guy? I can't help you or beat this guy to a pulp if ya don't give me a straight answer."

"Honestly, Tony, I don't know why you think I need your help. I'm not some damsel in distress waiting for my knight in gaudy armor to save me."

"I'm well aware, dear, but as your friend and your boss, I feel obligated to threaten your boyfriends to make sure they get you back before curfew and ensure your happiness. You should be used to this by now. And the suit is not gaudy."

"While that's very sweet, you don't have to get your bat. Pretty sure I scared him off for good." He twisted on the couch to get a look at his PA where she was making a cup of coffee, momentarily ignoring Darcy as she shouted at the living room TV, gun fire and whoops over the comm in his ear also going unattended as she covered them. Pepper was blushing even as a rather satisfied smirk curled the corner of her mouth up, and he was suddenly reminded that she and Loki had been spending an awful lot of time together lately. "The lesbian in me is ecstatic, actually."

The sounds from the TV cut off and suddenly Darcy was bending over backwards to look at Pepper with one of the most shit eating grins he'd ever seen. She was a good student, he gave her an A+ for the practical on that lesson. "You bet your ass it is. It's because I'm just that great. Maybe we'll have to get Jane in on this, you know Nat'd be down with it. C'mon, kinky lesbian foursomes are totally a thing that should happen."

It was at that point that Pepper grabbed a plate and blatantly aimed for his head, just daring him to say something. He shut his mouth before words could be expelled and sunk down behind the edge of the couch, watching her like a cat waiting for her to turn around so he could put his foot in it. She didn't though, her eyes trained on him in a way that reminded him decidedly of their resident Russian spy.

Clearing his throat, he licked his lips and employed what "training" Loki had managed to instill in him. "I'm very happy for you, Pepper. Now please put down the plate so I don't have to worry about turning my back on you."

What had happened to his life that made him afraid to turn his back on one of his oldest friends in his own home?

"It's cool, Pep, we can just trade him for a nice view of him, Loki, Clint and Bruce goin' at it. Or, y'know, Thor, too, but I don't think Loki'd go for that." Darcy was definitely his protégé, but sometimes he really didn't need to share in her ideas and the mental images they gave him.

"Hm, weirdest boner ever."

"I am the best."

"…I hate both of you. Go back to your games, children. I'm going to go do the paperwork you should be doing, Tony, and try not to think about how tempting that offer is." They were both grinning as Pepper picked up her folder of important Stark Industries papers and started down the hallway.

No way was he letting that comment slide, though. "If you can get the others to do it, I'll definitely take you up on that trade!"

He managed to dodge the shoe that came sailing at his head, though a lamp died in the crossfire while Darcy clutched at her stomach and laughed herself into a coughing fit on the floor.