When I tell you I hate you

Chapter 8: Grieving process.

By the time they arrived at the CDC, Daryl still hadn't said a word. They had never seen him like this. Even Rick, who didn't know him as well as the others, was worried about him.

Rick stopped Andrea as she climbed out of one of the trucks. "Hey," he began, "I get that Daryl is pissed, but is he always this...unsocial?"

Andrea smiled. "Yeah, pretty much. I mean, he wasn't as bad as his brother, that's for sure, plus Glenn was always trying to drag him into the group, but I don't think he was having any of it. We all wondered how the hell it happened between them in the first place."

Rick watched as Andrea walked away, thinking about how Daryl was utterly destroyed due to what had happened to Glenn and wondering how on Earth she didn't know why they were together.

He shook his head and headed towards the RV. When he walked inside, T-Dog and Shane were already in there, pulling hard on the chains that held Glenn in place, ones they had acquired from an abandoned bike shed on the edge of Atlanta, but they had done the trick, Glenn hadn't moved since they'd set off, and now moving him seemed the trick.

Rick walked towards Glenn, or at least, the thing that had once been Glenn. His eyes were glazed over the same as the other walkers and his skin was tinged yellow from the rot, like he was suffering from jaundice.

His mouth was open, a gaping maw of dark teeth, but he wasn't necessarily snarling despite the fact he looked enraged.

"He's not moving!" Shane said gruffly, sounding out of breath, tugging on the chains wrapped so securely around his neck and wrists. "He didn't make that much of a fuss when we were driving here."

Rick cocked his head, Shane had a point. Glenn, the walker, had been restless but ultimately still and quiet on the journey, like a wounded animal.

However, now they were trying to remove him from the confines of his prison he was aggressive and strong, almost like he didn't want to leave the RV.

Rick imagined for a moment, only a moment, that Glenn, the real Glenn, still maintained some semblance of control, refusing to leave the RV, refusing to be near people that he could hurt, making sure he was as far away from Daryl as possible.

However, looking into the sightless face of the man who had once saved his life, Rick just couldn't believe that Glenn was still in there, he couldn't.

But he had to believe that they could bring him back.

…

Carol found Daryl sat against the back of one of the vehicles, shoving the tip of one of his bolts into the ground, before pulling it out and driving it back in again, the dirt below him was littered with small holes cracking at the edges.

"Daryl," she said quietly, but he didn't look at her. "Please." She said, after a few moments of silence.

Daryl shook his head but still didn't avert his gaze from the small patch of destruction in the ground, the hits of his bolt getting more frenzied.

"Y'all are crazy, do you understand that?" He said.

Carol stiffened for a moment. "Maybe we are," she said, "but we're doing this for you."

Daryl stiffened before looking up at her. "No, you're not. You're all doing this for yourselves, because you can't accept the fact that Glenn is gone, and because you're all deluded that there is some cure."

"Whether there is a cure or not, we still have to try, for Glenn, and for you."

"Will you stop saying that?" Daryl replied loudly, "stop saying you're doing it for me, this is the last thing I want. You think I want you to drag around the corpse of my boyfriend to remind how I failed him when I promised that I wouldn't?"

Carol couldn't stop it, the words stung like it was her own pain, her own loss, for a moment she felt like she were in Daryl's shoes and feeling everything he was feeling, she crouched down next to him. "Listen, I know you don't want this, but what you want and what you need are two very different things, you know Glenn wouldn't want you to give up hope."

Daryl shook his head and looked at Carol, and in his eyes was that childlike innocence Carol barely ever saw, those moments where Daryl was truly vulnerable. "You should have been there when he..." He paused for a moment. "When he died, he was so ready, Carol. He was so ready to die, he was so ready to be at peace and to let go, and you won't let him let go."

A tear dripped from Carol's eyes. "What if there is a cure?" She whispered, "what if there is and there is a chance we can save him?"

Daryl stood so suddenly Carol gasped out loud.

"There is no cure," began Daryl, quieter than she had expected. "I've lost everything," he told her, eyes wet yet full of anger. "Please, just let me mourn in peace."

He walked away without looking at her, she let her face fall into her hands.

…

With the added strength, they managed to pull the walker that had once been Glenn out into the parking lot.

He was snarling now, and every now and again he nipped a little too closely to Rick's neck. He tried not to be scared, he spent all the time trying not to be scared, but he found it hard to look at him, instead he kept his mind focused on Carl, on Lori, on the cure if there was one.

"Jesus, this place is deserted." Shane voiced, and he was right. The parking lot was empty aside from a few scattered, broken cars that were too damaged to be taken on the road.

The streets were bare, the wind whistling down them made everything eerie, and the large building across the parking lot that was the CDC looked abandoned.

Shit. Rick thought to himself, the grey building looked derelict and abandoned, letting go of the chain he was holding, he ran forward.

"Wow, hey!" Called out T-Dog, weighed down by the sudden weight of Glenn.

Rick looked up at the large metal framework that acted as a guard for the car entrance. "No, no, no..." He mumbled to himself, the fear inside him escalating.

"Rick!" Called out T-Dog again, but Rick ignored him. There had to be someone here, there had to be something, maybe the entrance was just heavily guarded and there would be scientists inside, there had to be a way to let them know they were out here...

"Rick!" This time it was Shane shouting and Rick turned, ready to shout that they could handle Glenn for five seconds until he saw that that wasn't what they were shouting about.

Off to the right, coming out of a little, empty side street, were two walkers. One male, one female. The female was dressed in a long summer dress stained with dead blood and her male companion was missing an arm, the rotten stump was extended out and the brittle bone was black with age and rot.

"Oh, crap." Exclaimed Rick, pulling his gun out of his belt and aiming at the woman.

"What are you doing, man?" Shane said in a whisper, "if you shoot, you could attract more of those things and we'll all be dead."

Grimacing, Rick put his gun back into his belt, Shane and T-Dog were no help to him, too busy restraining the quietly snarling Glenn, and all Rick had on him in the way of a blade was a small flick knife in his boot.

As he drew the aforementioned weapon he both decided to carry more knifes and cursed himself at the same time.

As they neared, the woman out in front, Rick readied the weapon, keeping all of his concentration in front of him.

She was getting closer, and closer...and then she veered. Rick stood, confused, for a few seconds as the woman walked around him like she couldn't even see him, he readied his knife for the man but he did the same thing, moved around Rick like he was trying to avoid him, they didn't even look at him.

Confused, Rick whirled around to see both walkers ambling around Shane and T-Dog, both of whom looked as confused as he did.

"What?" Shane mouthed at him, but Rick merely lowered his knife, eyes trained on Glenn, eyes glazed, mouth agape and every bit of the walker that the male and female had been.

"They didn't come near us because of him." He explained, "Glenn, they must think we're walkers or something."

He closed his eyes, even when he was dead, Glenn was still saving his life.

But now he had no way to tell the rest of the group who were parked a little further down that there were walkers on the way.

…

The rest of them were grouped around, encased in a circle of cars and waiting for Rick and Shane and T-Dog to come back and give them the all clear.

Lori, who had her arms around Carl, was staring at Daryl. Every instinct she had told her that Daryl should have gone with them, but she supposed no one was letting him near Glenn, even if he wanted to see him anyway.

She did, however, feel a small sense of relief that he was here with them, guarding their little circle from whatever walkers may come wandering by, it was too quiet.

"They should be back by now." Dale pointed out.

"Maybe they ran into walkers." Began Andrea.

"Maybe they just need to figure out how to get inside." Carol offered.

"Maybe it's empty," said Daryl quietly, off to the side. "Maybe there's nothing there."

No one had the guts to answer him.

"Mom," began Carl, tugging on Lori's shirt. "Mom, do you hear that?" He asked.

"Hear what, honey?" She asked.

"It sounds like walkers." He half-whispered.

Daryl immediately set his crossbow aloft, cursing himself. He was too busy self-pitying that he wasn't thinking properly, not paying attention to the little hissing noises he could now here, the unmistakeable sound of walkers.

Daryl watched as it walked up, a woman in a stained dress, and he took her out silently with a single bolt to the brain and she fell to the ground, Daryl wanted to go and retrieve the bolt but instead he grunted and sat back down, and the group fell back into silence.

"Wait," said Jackie after a moment, like she was straining to hear something. "Is it just me or...?" But before she could finish her sentence, the walker had crashed through the gap between the cars and put the remaining arm he had around Carol.

Her scream set off a loud commotion and everyone rushed to get out of the cars, climbing over hoods and screaming.

Daryl threw the crossbow aside, he couldn't aim with Carol so close, and as he drew a knife from his pants he felt fear, genuine fear as he rammed the knife into the skull of the walker and it fell to the floor. He knew why he was scared, it was because it had gone after Carol, it was because she might be bitten.

"Did it bite you?" He asked suddenly, but she was shaking too much to answer.

"Carol!" Said Daryl, louder. "Did it bite you?"

After a few moments, Carol shook her head and Daryl felt relief wash over him, although he tried to ignore it.

He looked over to the rest of the group, huddled together outside of the cars and staring uselessly at the pair of them and at the dead walker, they didn't help, they didn't do anything, they just screamed and ran, Daryl detested all of them.

"We made too much noise," said Andrea after a moment, "more will be coming."

Daryl shouldered his crossbow, "well, let's move, then."

…

Rick took his end of the chain, looking for something durable to tie it to while he figured out what to do.

"Dude, there's nothing there." Shane pointed out, trying to be comforting, "let's just go back, and I'll take care of..."

"No!" Rick exclaimed, almost shouted, "no, someone is here, we just need to tell them to open the doors."

"Rick..." Began T-Dog, but he stopped when he saw something move in the corner of his eye, he momentarily thought it was walkers but when he turned, he saw that it was just the group.

Lori, Carl, Dale...and Daryl.

Daryl stood, stock still, staring at the walker, staring at Glenn in chains. His crossbow dropped to the ground with a loud clang that made everyone flinch.

This was the first time Daryl had seen him since that first moment, since the moment he had turned and tried to kill him and it was like he was seeing him for the first time.

Daryl could vividly see Glenn walking into that bar after 7pm, he sat at a bar stool and stretched his arms in obvious discomfort and Daryl couldn't take his eyes off him.

It was then, despite the texts and the dates and the sex, it truly was in that moment that Daryl's life had changed forever.

And now, in this one, his life had changed again.

This walker, it looked so confused and so lost and so like Glenn that Daryl didn't have the strength to run and kill it, he didn't have the strength to fight or to hide, he felt every bit of that person he had been before the apocalypse come flooding back, and all he had to do was look.

"Rick," began Lori, "look, we made loads of noise, walkers might be coming."

"We need to get out of here," Shane prompted, "get back to the cars and move to..."

"No," began Daryl, picking up his crossbow from the floor. "We need to get inside."

He walked forward and joined Rick's side, eyes glancing towards the walker, towards Glenn. "There has to be someone in there."

"Daryl-" but they were cut off by the sound of snarling, the group turned to see a group of 5 or 6 walkers heading their way, weaving across the car park.

"Shit." Shane explained, dropping the chain that held Glenn to lift his gun. Without the help of Shane, one tug from Glenn was all that was needed for T-Dog to let go of the chain and leave Glenn free.

Rick barely had time to move before Glenn launched at him and knocked him to the ground.

"Dad!" Called Carl out in anguish as the group of walkers doubled in size and a mass of them began to bear down on the group.

"Glenn!" Daryl all but screamed, tearing the walker from Rick.

Shane was firing rounds into the crowd but he was barely making a dent, Lori kept Carl behind her to protect him and Carol clung onto her daughter, Jackie and Dale did the best they could to defend themselves with the blunt objects they were carrying but without Rick, Daryl or Glenn there just wasn't enough of them to fight them off. There probably still wouldn't be even if they had them.

Rick sat up immediately, miraculously unscathed, and turned away from the walkers and began banging on the metal door and screaming to be let in.

Daryl found himself staring into the face of the walker who used to be Glenn and couldn't move a muscle, he wouldn't even be able to protect himself if he needed to.

There were too many, they were trapped, they were backed into a corner and this was it.

Daryl buried his face in Glenn's neck, fresh tears in his eyes, just waiting for that feeling of teeth biting into his skin.

If he had to choose a death, he would at least want Glenn to be the one to do it, if he was consciously aware of it or not.

The screams and snarls around him seemed to fade away into nothing and Glenn's words rang in his ears.

If I could do it all over again and it would still end this way...I would still chose you.

He clenched his eyes shut, feeling the tears sliding down his face. Me too, Glenn. Me too.

All of a sudden, a bright light appeared, so bright that Daryl could sense it through his closed eyes, making the blackness of his vision a bright red.

This must be death. He thought to himself, Glenn must have bitten him, even though he hadn't felt him do it. Maybe it didn't hurt?

"Daryl!"

Daryl opened his eyes immediately as he recognised Rick's voice calling his name, he removed his head from Glenn, who was merely staring blankly at him, and looked up to see Rick ushering him forward into the light, into the bright, open door.