"Stumbles in, looks warily around." Who're all these new people? Jeez. I've been gone for a bit, haven't I?

I am not the one who came up with this 'user's manual' concept. I'm just borrowing it. The same holds for the Joes; I don't own them, however hard I might wish things otherwise, and I make no money from this writing, no matter how much I might wish things otherwise.

A Guide to Your new BILLY Model

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of one (1) BILLY unit. Given proper care and maintenance, you can expect a lifetime of companionship and excitement, as well as occasional life-threatening adventures.

The BILLY unit is for use by responsible adults only. We're serious. Children and the BILLY unit do not mix well. Children tend not to have good luck around the BILLY unit, through no fault of his own. It is stronglyrecommended that you read this instructional manual in its entirety before you unpackage your new unit and activate it to avoid possibly messy misunderstandings.

Your Box Should Contain;

One (1) BILLY unit, minus one (1) leg and one (1) eye.

One (1). Eyepatch. Eyepatch should come pre-installed.

One (1) Robotic leg. Leg should come pre-installed.

Multiple (100+) sharp pointy things of various shapes and sizes.

If you find that your unit is lacking the eyepatch and robotic leg, congratulations! You have been issued the rare Pre-Accident model. It is recommended you keep your Pre-Accident model away from cars. If the Pre-Accident model does happen to end up in a vehicular accident and incur damage, send the damaged unit in to JOE INC, and we will install the eyepatch and robotic leg free of charge.

Activation of Unit

It is strongly recommended that you make sure that the switch on your BILLY unit is set to the "Unbrainwashed" mode; this is the default mode, and one can expect the most 'normal' behavior in this mode . The unit has come packaged in a white gi; it is not recommended that you remove this yourself, unless you want the BILLY unit to think you're making him an offer. While he might be quite amiable to this sort of thing if you're a female, unless the unit is set to "slash" mode this might result in unpleasantness for a male.

It is recommended that you choose an open, well-lit place to activate your BILLY unit. After activation, it is recommended that you stand back, with your hands in a position that does not suggest that you are about to make an unarmed attack, and speak in a calm, soothing voice, asserting that you are a friend and mean no harm. It is recommended that you offer the BILLY unit a Coca-Cola and/or a Snickers bar, assuring him all the while that there are no STORM SHADOW units about; this will help bond with your new unit.

Care of Unit

Your BILLY unit is quite capable of feeding and cleaning itself. You may offer to aid with the cleaning function, however, particularly if you are an attractive female. Such offers are usually viewed with enthusiasm. Again, if you are a male, make sure the unit is set to "Slash" mode, or risk spontaneous blood-falling-out-itis.

You may wish to purchase metal polish on occasion. The BILLY unit takes a great deal of pride in its titanium leg.

Modes of Operation

The BILLY unit has several modes of operation. They are as follows;

Unbrainwashed;

This is the default mode. In this mode, the BILLY unit will exhibit relentless good humor, an irreverent sense of humor, and a talent for snarky one-liners that would make the Governator proud. The unit will also display a marked dislike for any COBRA units, while at the same time holding out hope that any COBRA COMMANDER units may not yet be beyond the capabilities of modern psychiatric care and anti-psychotic medications to save. The unit will also display impressive ninja abilities.

Brainwashed;

This mode can be spontaneously unlocked by being trapped by any COBRA COMMANDER and DOCTOR MINDBENDER units. In this mode, the BILLY unit will be subservient to the whims of any COBRA COMMANDER unit in proximity and hostile towards enemies of COBRA. If a Brainwashed! BILLY unit and a Brainwashed! STORM SHADOW unit are brought into close proximity, this can occasionally trigger the STORM SHADOW unit to spontaneously switch to Unbrainwashed! Mode, which can spell sudden messy demises for any nearby COBRA units.

Dead;

Unlocked if the unit remains in the "strict canon" setting and is exposed to Blue Ninja units. JOE INC recommends that if you do not wish your unit to expire on contact with Blue Ninja units, you set the 'canon' switch to the 'Fanon' position, and then possibly invest in a pickup truck. You're going to make quite a bit of money hauling the robot parts that build up in your lawn to the scrapyard.

Interactions With Other Units

Generally speaking, your BILLY unit will get along well with most other GI JOE units. The unit will not get along with any COBRA units, however, and bringing a COBRA unit into proximity with a BILLY unit will usually result in the COBRA unit sustaining heavy to fatal damage. There are a few units that are particularly compatible with the BILLY unit, however.

STORM SHADOW; the BILLY unit and the STORM SHADOW units are very compatible. When brought into proximity, the STORM SHADOW unit will almost immediately switch itself into 'Sensei' mode, and the BILLY unit will accept the STORM SHADOW unit as a mentor and surrogate father figure, because Lord knows the COBRA COMMANDER unit does a piss-poor job of it. The STORM SHADOW unit, for its part, will protect the BILLY unit at all costs, and angst on and off about whether or not he is doing a good enough job of it.

JINX; A JINX unit brought into proximity with a BILLY unit will easily befriend the BILLY unit and assume the role of an elder sister.

KAMAKURA; while on the surface a KAMAKURA unit and a BILLY unit will seem to be quite incompatible, the glaring and rivalry will eventually develop into a grudging respect and eventually genuine friendship, though one still heavy on the snarking and occasional tiffs. Any nearby SNAKE EYES or STORM SHADOW units will break up the fights if they threaten to escalate too badly. If this happens, expect to see both the KAMAKURA and BILLY units running laps of the neighborhood for the next six or seven hours, followed by four or five hours of combat training under the watchful eyes of the SNAKE EYES and STORM SHADOW units.

SNAKE EYES; the BILLY unit will respect the SNAKE EYES unit as a senior member of the Arashikage clan and secondary instructor.

It is recommended that you keep the BILLY unit away from the following units; DOCTOR MINDBENDER, COBRA COMMANDER, BLUE NINJA (Unless the BILLY is set to 'Fanon' mode, as previously advised)

FAQ's

Q; My BILLY unit is helping me brush up on my karate skills but he keeps daring me to kick him in the shin. Is this normal?
A; This is completely normal. The BILLY unit knows that its titanium leg makes it more or less invulnerable to leg kicks, and finds exploiting this to be an endless source of amusement. Don't take him up on the offer; JOE INC is not responsible for any broken legs incurred by use of its product.

Q; Since I purchased my BILLY unit, I've noticed that a STORM SHADOW unit has been hanging around, and my BILLY unit seems to be doing a lot of pushups and training with a wooden sword.

A: This is completely normal. The STORM SHADOW mode has been switched to 'sensei' mode by the presence of your BILLY unit, and is now training your unit in the ways of the Arashikage clan. This will result in your BILLY unit becoming even more lethal and will form a lasting bond between the two units that resembles the most pointy-object filled father-son relationship ever.

Q; My BILLY unit keeps demanding my clothes, my boots, and my motorcycle. What's up?

A; Uh oh. It seems you have accidentally been issued a TERMINATOR unit. We'll dispatch a SARAH CONNER unit and a KYLE REESE unit to your location to deal with the issue immediately. In the meantime, it is recommended that you surrender the clothes, boots, and Harley.

Q; My BILLY unit has been switched to Brainwashed! Mode by a DOCTOR MINDBENDER unit. How do I restore him to normal?

A; This is a common issue. Remove the offending DOCTOR MINDBENDER unit from the area, cautiously approach your BILLY unit while offering a Coca-Cola, and while he is distracted quickly flip the switch at the base of his neck back to the Unbrainwashed! Setting. A few dots of superglue or some duct tape can help prevent this issue from happening again.

Final Notes;

With proper care, your BILLY unit will remain a friend and companion for many years to come, and will serve as an excellent protector and home security system. We fully expect that you will come to regard your BILLY unit as a valued member of the family.

If you have any further questions or concerns regarding your BILLY unit, feel free to contact us at JOEINC/TOTALLY LEGIT dot COM