Homestuck (KanayaxRose)
Summary: Kanaya feels the overwhelming need to confess her flushed feelings to Rose, but is afraid of destroying their friendship… when it occurs to her that she can confess to Rose whenever she wants.
Despite the many times she had sworn never to immerse herself in Trollian's temporal chat bullshit again, Kanaya Maryam was at odds with herself.
The game had ended and their remaining numbers had decided they were best off integrating themselves into the new universe that had been created during the human's alpha play through of the game. True to their intense development of the human emotion called friendship for one another they had all decided to stay geographically close. This had a number of advantages for them, mostly to do with the ability to visit one another on a regular basis and hold entertaining social gatherings.
For Kanaya, it meant she could continue her regular contact with Rose, which was of particular interest to her.
Though her feelings for the mysterious tentacleTherapist had been sparked the day she'd read that insightful game walkthrough, Kanaya had since ridden a metaphorical human rollercoaster of emotions regarding the issue. There had, of course, been the choppy beginnings of their friendship, played out over several disjointed conversations in which Kanaya had tried to assess Rose's true intelligence with surprising results, though eventually the two of them had found a mutual ground on which to host an exchange of friendly discussion, and Kanaya had enjoyed that. It had been nice to make a human friend, especially when several of her troll friends had been in the process of getting killed off by one bloodthirsty troll or another.
Kanaya had been acutely aware that her feelings were not of the pale intent, however. Her flushed feelings for Rose had snuck up on her, having hid themselves in the shadow of the failed remains of her once flushed feelings for Vriska. Honestly, Kanaya would have been perfectly sated in laying off flushed feelings for an indefinite period of time, but her emotions apparently had a mind of their own and had decided to work overtime on establishing concupiscent feelings in yet another fruitless red quadrant. Kanaya wasn't pleased with the situation, but there wasn't much she could do about it.
Their time in The Veil had done absolutely nothing to squelch those feelings. Considering her asteroid-mates had been Karkat, Terezi, Dave (the three of whom were so busy amongst each other that they hardly had time for anything else), a psychotic clown troll who knew better than to show his face around Kanaya for quite some time, and Rose… well, it was no surprise who received the majority of her time. The two of them had spent many, many hours talking, reading, knitting, sewing, and whatever else they could find to pass time on the lonely rock they had called home for three years.
Of course, Kanaya was desperately flushed for the human girl, she had no doubts in her mind about that. However, even after all this time, she couldn't be certain of Rose's feelings for her in return. Everything between them had been merely friendly activities, as Kanaya understood it from a human perspective. She didn't know exactly what actions composed normal human quadrant propositions—and even if she did, she probably still wouldn't feel secure in applying those norms to Rose's actions, as the girl was anything but a normal human.
So once more in her life, Kanaya found herself in the sharp, slobbering jaws of an unrequited redrom. Once more, she was forced to have that daily debate with herself about the best course of action on the matter. And once again, she was forced to come to the conclusion, over and over, that there was simply nothing to be done.
To act and expect a positive outcome of the situation was beyond her, but even with that firmly situated belief, she still felt the needs to blurt the words, if for no other reason than to keep her head from its continual spinning, as the dizzying process of talking herself in circles around the matter was quite unseating.
However, speaking her beliefs meant facing rejection, which in alone was not the worst thing she could experience, of course, as that would at least give some finality to her partial desire to get over Rose, but it had the unfortunate side effect of also having a detrimental effect on their current friendship. Kanaya had learned long ago how the confession and spurning of romantic desires could effectively destroy even the strongest friendship, and Kanaya was completely sure it was a risk she wasn't willing to take currently. Beyond being an intense romantic interest, Rose was also a superb friend and Kanaya loathed the idea of losing that simply because she couldn't keep her mouth shut.
Still, just sitting around, keeping her feelings bottled up, was taking a toll on her mental health, a toll whose effects Rose had been questioningly more and more recently.
This was an adequate summation of events that had led Kanaya to her current predicament. She was staring at the chat client's temporal abilities, as she had been for the past ten minutes, debating what she should do.
The other night, a thought had occurred to her. She wished to confess her emotions, but refused to do so to the current Rose for fear of losing their friendship… however, Trollian gave her the option of talking to Rose at any point in time she so desired. Obviously, confessing to a past Rose would be counterproductive, but… there was a lengthy future to Rose's timeline that Kanaya might choose from. If Kanaya could simply pick some point on that timeline to spew her untamed feelings to, she could perhaps get over this mess and move on with her life. She could perhaps be more appreciative of the friendship she currently had with Rose instead of this constant wanting for more that was slowly driving her mad.
Kanaya could think of no better option, leaving the only question left being at which point it would be best to confess to Rose. She wanted to be sure to pick a time far enough away from their current moment, as there was a chance that Kanaya confessing to Future Rose might then disrupt their friendship at that time. More or less, Kanaya would be planting the seed of destruction of their friendship, so she wanted to make sure she gave herself enough time to enjoy spent by Rose's side before inevitably losing her.
After thinking for a while longer, she decided to go ten years into the future. Ten years should be enough time to prepare herself for the eventual abandonment she would need to face.
Kanaya opened a chat with Future Rose, took a deep breath, and began to type.
/
- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -
GA: Rose
TT: Yes?
GA: I Have Something Id Like To Discuss With You
GA: Well Perhaps Discussion Is Not The Proper Word For It As There Is Probably Not Much Back And Forth Dialogue To Be Exchanged On The Issue
GA: In The Overall Scheme Of Things I Suppose This Should Be Colloquially Referred To As A Confession
GA: Though The Connotation Of The Word Is More Likely To Give You An Idea As To The Subject Matter I Wish to Breach
TT: Dear, you're rambling.
GA: Yes I Am I Apologize
TT: Go on, then. What would you like to talk about?
/
Kanaya took a long moment to decide if she should explain to Rose she was messaging her from the past or if she should just leap in head first. Considering that her nerves were trying to get the upper hand, it would probably be best if she got the confession out of the way first.
/
GA: Well I Have Had An Overwhelming Desire To Tell You This For A While
GA: But It Seems As Though
GA: I Have Some Rather Persistent Flushed Feelings For You
GA: That Have No Intentions Of Fading
/
There was a long pause, each passing second making Kanaya more and more uncomfortable, until finally Rose replied, though it only served to confuse Kanaya brilliantly.
/
TT: And?
GA: …
GA: And What
TT: And, as in what comes next?
GA: Nothing Comes Next
GA: That Was The Entirety Of The Confession
TT: Oh.
GA: What Do You Mean Oh
GA: Were My Words Not Enough For You
TT: No, that's not it at all.
TT: It's just that confessions typically contain information that the confessee is not already aware of.
/
That line left Kanaya absolutely speechless for a moment, before she finally managed to coordinate her fingers long enough to type.
/
GA: What
TT: Don't get me wrong, darling.
TT: I'm always happy to hear about your continued romantic interest in me.
TT: But I don't think it's something that counts as a confession at this point in our
TT: ...
TT: And you just came downstairs with your computer folded under your arm.
TT: Yet you are clearly still online.
TT: It seems I've been trolled.
TT: Well played, Kanaya.
/
And then Kanaya was more confused than ever. Future Rose already knew that Kanaya was flushed for her? Future Her was at Rose's home? Actually, when she thought about it in such simple terms, the pieces fell together quite easily, even with her denial insisting that it couldn't be true.
/
GA: Im Sorry I Believe Ive Missed Something
TT: No need to apologize. This is Past Kanaya, is it not?
TT: Well, I suppose to you, you are Current Kanaya, and I am Future Rose, but that's beside the point. You're messaging me from some period of time before mine, correct?
GA: Yes That Is Correct
GA: You Are Approximately Ten Years In My Future
TT: Wow
TT: Has it been ten years already? I hate to use cliché sayings, but the time really does fly.
TT: I can't wait to tell future you about this. We've promised to have a good laugh about it together when you finally messaged me.
TT: Now, allow me to elaborate before you start stuttering at me.
TT: As soon as we end this conversation
TT: You're going to go to my house and confess to me. I'm going to gratefully accept and return your feelings.
TT: We'll be incredibly happy together. Eventually, we'll move in together. There will be fights from time to time, but that's how every couple works and ultimately, we'll make it through and love each other more every day.
TT: And then, at some point ten years from your now, I get a message from you in the past and we have a conversation that convinces you to confess to me in the first place. The very conversation we're having right now.
/
Kanaya sat back in her chair, absorbing everything Rose had just told her. Well… Trollian had done it again, that was for certain. Kanaya had tried to avoid this time mess (she was the Sylph of Space after all and despite physicist claims that space and time were two halves of the same coin, she preferred not to involve herself in such messes), but here she was regardless.
More importantly than that, however… was that Rose just told her that they were together. Kanaya would confess and it would have the happy result that she hadn't dared to dream of. Her mind reeled for a moment as she tried to put her thoughts together and put a lid on the ridiculous burst of joy she felt at hearing that.
/
GA: So
GA: What Youre Saying Is
GA: Ive Just Created A Stable Time Loop
GA: In Which I Orchestrate Our Relationship In The Future By Discovering That We Have A Relationship In The Future
TT: Pretty much.
TT: Good old time paradoxes, right?
GA: Yes
GA: Well If You'll Excuse Me
GA: I Have A Confession I Need To Make To A Beautiful And Intelligent Blond Human Girl
TT: Even across paradox space, you know just how to make a girl blush.
GA: With Whom Im Happily Destined To Spend At Least The Next Ten Years Of My Existence
TT: At least that long. Longer if I have any say in it.
GA: It Sounds Like An Astute Plan To Me
TT: Then get off your computer and make it happen. I'm waiting for you.
GA: Of Course
GA: Ill See You In Ten Years
TT: You too.
- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -
/
Kanaya quickly messaged Rose, her Rose, asking if she could come over, all while dressing and feeling more frantic than she had in years. As soon as Rose gave her clearance, Kanaya pulled on her coat and was out the door to enter the flushed quadrant she'd been seeking to join with Rose all along.