Sam: We're back!

Eric: But why were we gone?

Sam: Dunno.

Ralph: Piggy, haven't you prepared an excuse?

Piggy: Why's that my job?

Roger: Well, we could say that posting something sixty years in the future messed up the time.

Sam: Or that we've just been ever so busy in school...

Jack: We've been in school the whole time, you ninny! I'll just say it was like a test. To see if they really liked us. They ought to be excited to hear from us again, oughtn't they?

Ralph: I suppose so, but—

Simon: Shan't we tell them the truth?

Roger: What, the truth that we were just lazy? They wouldn't take too kindly to that.

Simon: They wouldn't take too kindly to being lied to, either!

Piggy: We should've got together sooner, though; we had a lot of questions last time.

Sam: I'll bet they won't even listen to us anymore.

Eric: Not after us abandoning them.

Jack: We didn't abandon them, not really. We just...took a break from them; that's all.

Roger: Well, it hardly matters—it wasn't your fault, anyway.

Ralph: Of-of course. You were locked away in a mental institution and Simon was at the hospital; Jack was on a trip to Germany and I was busy with my schoolwork. So were Samneric and Piggy.

Simon: Ralph, we can't lie to them. They may have thought we were dead!

Ralph: I'm not lying! I'm just—oh, never mind. It doesn't matter anyway. We aren't dead, and they can stop worrying or being angry...

Roger: You're delusional if you think they'll let us off the hook that easy. They'll want to know the truth.

Jack: (muttering) You're delusional anyway, Roger.

Roger: What?

Jack: Never mind. What have we to look at today?

Piggy: Just getting to that. Here's the tab.

Ralph: First question was mine! For Kate, it was. The one about Simon's past.

Roger: Thought we'd decided not to talk about people's pasts...

Sam: What's the big deal?

Eric: Did your mum and dad yell at you lots?

Simon: (to Samneric) It's Roger; I wouldn't press him further. (to everyone else) Well, what did they think 'bout me?

Ralph: Scarlett thinks you had a nice family, but that people like Jack 'ud bother you.

Piggy: I can't remember the nickname—catsbygatsby—said that you prolly had nice big brothers or sisters. Did you have siblings?

Simon: Lots. They didn't pay much attention to me, though, unless I was in the hospital or at a choir concert.

Ralph: I had a younger sister. Mum always made me watch out for her.

Jack: Wonder why your parents didn't stop having kids after you.

Sam: (to Simon) Well, Seer thinks your family was weird—

Eric: and Oceanfur thinks you stayed inside a lot. Didja?

Simon: No; I liked being outside where it was pretty and I could get away from all my brothers and sisters. Don't think my family was weird, though...Daddy was a pastor. I dunno.

Piggy: If your dad was a pastor, then I don't expect Sophie to be right, about the violence.

Simon: No. Well, my siblings would fight sometimes, but Mama and Daddy always told 'em off.

Jack: Humph. Eve didn't even answer my question. She just said I was ugly and jealous of Ralph. Jealous!

Roger: No one in their right mind 'ud be jealous of Ralph, not unless they'd prefer to be dead.

Jack: 'Sides, red hair isn't so bad. I'll just ask them all; they'll defend me. 'Cept the impostor. Funny how none of you are being impersonated.

Ralph: (sighs) I'm pretty sure you were the biggest troll, Jack Merridew. Piggy wasn't a troll 'cause he didn't try to be annoying. Roger is just...Roger. And all I wanted was to be rescued.

Piggy: I'd actually side with Oceanfur about the beast being a troll.

(pause)

Eric: Piggy's question was hard!

Sam: Why you gotta ask ones like that?

Piggy: 'Cause them questions are the ones that get people t' think, that's why. Mos' of 'em jus' wanna know what 'innocence' and 'maturity' mean, anyhow.

Jack: I'm mature, Ralph's not. Question answered. Now get on with it. I've got a question for them.

Piggy: Fine. Anyways, on to Simon's question. Lots of 'em think Roger was jus' born crazy.

Simon: I'm not so sure. I mean, near everyone became savages, but Roger just stood out.

Roger: And so did you.

Ralph: Well, we shan't discuss Roger's past, but I do agree with Jazz about abuse and such.

(silence)

Roger: Let's move on, shall we? I thought we had them devise ways to annoy Simon since he's so patient.

Piggy: I dunno 'bout you, but I wouldn't annoy Simon. He might snap.

Jack: What, and kill someone? Please. Even you could break his neck with almost no effort. Ass-mar and all.

Roger: Let's try it out.

Simon: Um...

Roger: Look there! I annoyed him. Mission accomplished.

Ralph: No, you frightened him. That's different from annoying someone.

Roger: Then what Lazy Bum said wouldn't be annoying.

Piggy: That's psychological torture. So no, not real annoying.

Ralph: I like what Holly said. That was the funniest: 'specially the waking up at 3 AM.

Jack: Scarlett said that leaving him with me long enough would make something happen.

Piggy: With you and Roger combined, nobody would live to see the next day.

Roger: Tell this to Midnight—I already did all the things she suggested.

Everyone: *poker face*

Ralph: All right, that's enough. Moving on.

Sam: Our question's next!

Eric: What's incest?

Sam: Oh, and Jamie said we should've died and not Simon and Piggy!

Ralph: Wonder why...

Simon: Well, I like what Nala said—that they're the weakness of people. Kind of similar to what Midnight and Oceanfur said.

Ralph: Okay, let's talk about their little notes to us.

Roger: All right. This is to Eve. I DO NOT KISS JACK'S BUTT.

Jack: And why do you call me "Bozo the Clown"? I'm not a clown. Ralph might be, though. I also want to say something to my impersonator: who are you? You obviously aren't me, and—

Roger: Catsbygatsby, why do you think I need to get a hobby? This way works fine for me. People don't do what you say unless you scare them.

Simon: (to Roger) Scarlett says we have a 'thing'. Does that mean we hate each other? 'Cause I don't hate you...I just think you should be nicer.

00000000000000000000000000

Question time, finally...

Ralph: What kind of job do you think we'll have as grown-ups?

Roger: Do you think I'm power hungry?

Piggy: Was Simon killed with weapons?

Simon: Did you read the book or see the movie first?

Samneric: What would be our names if we were girls?