A/N: This is my first Harry Potter fanfiction, and my first fic period in a very, very long time. So... don't hate.Disclaimer: Everything is the property of Jo Ro and her many wonderful publishers, etc.

Chapter One, the Beginning

"Mudblood."

Lily stormed away from the mob of fifth years. Her initial shock quickly wore off as she pushed her way through them, lips pursed and trying to hide her shaking hands even as she used them to part the sea of people who had just seen her heart break. Utter devastation took its place. Dimly, before she forced herself to push the thoughts back, she realised that her life had just changed dramatically. Fuck, stop thinking, Lily.

"Mudblood."

How could he?

Lily gasped raggedly. She couldn't help it. Her body wasn't working correctly. Her lungs were frozen and the muggy June air wasn't defrosting them. Her feet tripped over each other as she hurried across the uneven grassy lawn. She was halfway to the castle. Sure that someone was still watching her walk away (Is Sev? Oh dammit. No.) Lily kept her back resolutely straight. She crossed her arms, holding them painfully tight against her ribs. Stop shaking, she ordered herself.

But who was she kidding? She had absolutely no control over herself anymore.

Lily realised that thought with the rough wood of the castle doors against her hands as she pulled them open. Overcome and unwilling to fight it, Lily let out another sob. A small group of younger students in the Great Hall looked up at her, but their faces didn't register. Terrified of the tears she felt burning her eyes, she ran clumsily up the main staircase.

By the time she reached the landing, Lily's vision was blurred past the point of being able to call it vision, and her entire body was shaking. Stumbling forward, she guided herself by memory. She slammed carelessly into the nearest unused classroom and, trying to call up even a little bit of anger, Lily slammed the door shut as hard as she could. Anger would be so much simpler than this, this helplessness. The pure agony of betrayal. Immediately, she collapsed against the abused door and slid to the floor. She wasn't angry. Not even a little. Pretending to be anything other than totally devastated was laughably outside her realm of possibility.

Lily lost herself. She curled her legs up and braced her elbows on them as she sobbed into her hands. The scary, broken wails echoed softly off the stone walls and came back to hit her all over again, just like the one word that her mind was mercilessly replaying to her, over and over again. Mudblood. She wasn't even thinking. She was just falling apart.

Suddenly, the doorknob just above her head rattled. Instantly, Lily was terrified that her best friend had come after her. But he's not your best friend anymore. Another violent, involuntary cry fell from her lips, even as reason told her that it would be one of her friends. Not Sev. But she didn't want to see them either. Scrambling, she twisted around onto her knees, reaching up to lock the door. Before her fingers could touch the brass though, the door pushed open.

Still shaking madly, Lily pushed herself off the floor and turned away from whichever of her dorm mates had just come in. "Go away!" She tried to sound forceful but her voice was wet, and it shook, and everything about it begged for comfort, even though she insisted to herself that was the last thing she wanted or needed. No one could possibly comfort her.

The voice that replied was the only one that she hadn't anticipated hearing.

"Lily... Lily, please."

It was James Potter.

Immediately, Lily sucked in a breath to prepare herself for the force of her own anger. But as she braced herself against a desk, wiping her eyes and trying desperately to stop her tears, she realised that she wasn't. There was no part of her whole enough to be angry anymore.

She made herself look at him. A dim part of her shrieked that this was his fault, but it wasn't, and she knew it. Sev had chosen that word, not James. All the same, his face hurt to look at. She could barely glance at him before tears welled up hotly again and took away all the details of his appearance. He was just a blur of nearly-tanned skin with a slop of black on top of it. She didn't take in his wide eyes, his pulled at hair, or the odd shape that his mouth was hanging open in. His mixed expression of shock, pain, and regret didn't sink in. She could think of no words to say and, for several moments, it seemed that neither could her new companion.

James was frozen. He felt his stomach twist painfully as he watched Lily collapse against a dust covered desk. He saw the manic trembling of her hands as she tried to hide her red, blotchy face. Her entire body shook and James had no. idea. what. to. do. He'd known that she would be crying, but he hadn't prepared himself for the sight that he was now faced with. It was so… violent.

How was he supposed to make this better? All his previous knowledge told him that if he touched her, she would slap him. But the anguish in her slumped, quivering shoulders broke him, and he couldn't not try to comfort her.

Cautiously, James moved closer. He snapped his mouth shut and braced himself for her physical reaction. Lightly, he put a hand on her shoulder. "Lily?"

Still, she wasn't thinking. She didn't hear how scared and desperate James's voice was saying her name, and she didn't really know if she'd consciously made the decision to jut her upper body forward into his. All she knew at that moment, even if just subconsciously, was that their history didn't matter. Their animosity was so unthinkably petty right then that they both realised pointlessness of it. They didn't hate each other, and even if they had, this stuffy classroom was no place for it. Lily's face in his shoulder and James's arms slowly coming up around her shoulders was no place for it. It didn't matter who they were, or who they had been, because both of them were now irrevocably different than who they had been an hour ago. Parts of both of them recognized this fact, but for the most part they just didn't know what to do, so they let the moment happen.

Frantically, Lily tried to stop her crying. "James," she sobbed brokenly, not bothering with the pretense of surnames, "I- I can't. He- how could- my best friend!" Her words were barely intelligible, not to mention the fact that she was at a complete loss to form them into coherant sentences. But James hardly needed her to tell him what was wrong.

He had never felt so guilty in his entire life.

"I am so, so sorry, Lily."

This time she did pick up on the earnestness in his voice, and it confused her. The flow of her tears slowed infinitesimally. Lily pulled back slightly and instantly James withdrew his arms from around her. "I'm sorry," he repeated, this time for the offense of touching her. He was so frustrated: with what he had done, with his horrible stupidity, with his complete ineptitude at dealing with the one person that he would have done anything to make laugh at this moment. Laughing, even if it was just for a second, was not crying, and all he wanted was for Lily to stop crying. For her to stop hurting.

He knew how foolish this was, but he still wanted it. He racked his brain for any idea of how to make up for the last 30 minutes. If I wasn't such an arrogant prat, he berated himself as her insults out on the lawn reverberated through his brain.

She was crying because of him. God, I can't believe how badly I've just fucked this up. Inwardly, James cursed himself and everything that had made him that way. Inexpressible disbelief colored his thoughts. Out of habit, James pulled a hand through his already disheveled hair. He opened his mouth to say something—Jesus, anything—but Lily was shaking her head.

"Don't," was the only thing she said. Then, surprising both of them, but infinitely more so James, she pushed herself away from the grimy desk and back against his chest.

By instinct, he hugged her back. Tightly, because God knows, he thought, the next time she would allow him to be near her. When she was back in the right mind, everything about him would disgust her again, just like it had for the last five-

James cut that tired line of thought short. This was not about him. If he didn't manage to make everything he saw about him, Lily would not be standing here, frazzled hair and leaking eyes, in his arms in a dingy classroom on the second floor. He couldn't believe himself. He didn't even want to think about himself.

So instead, he focused all of his attention on Lily. Her forehead was pressed against his shoulder and she was still crying. The horrible sobbing had stopped, but James could still feel her shoulders shaking and the warm plop of tears on his t-shirt every few seconds. Her arms were bent at the elbow between them, resting on his chest as she breathed heavily. James moved his hands up and down her back, pressing her firmly to him in such a thoroughly friendly and unromantic way that they were both a little surprised. But the longer they stood there, the calmer Lily seemed to become, so James didn't stop.

When her tears had finally dwindled to a manageable pace, Lily sighed. She continued to concentrate on the warm, comforting movement of James's hands over her back. His hands were warm and they worked to sooth some of the tension that locked down Lily's frame, moving smoothly up to her shoulder blades and then back down, continually overrunning that path of the other hand but never going too low. As her facilities came back to her and she was able to think about more than… more than one thing, that is, she was thoroughly surprised at the position she found herself in.

She was even more surprised when she recognized that she enjoyed it.

With her sigh, James pulled back, but just barely. He rested his forearms on her shoulders as he looked her in the eye, the most somber expression on his face that Lily could ever remember seeing. She didn't think to remove her hands from his chest.

"Are you..." James started, but of course that was a stupid question. Of course she wasn't okay. "Are you going to be alright?" he finished. His voice was careful, and so sincere that, once again, she was surprised that she was standing here with James Potter, of all people. Casually though, as she saw the vague outline of her red hair reflected in his glasses, she scolded herself. This is the same person, you dolt. You just haven't seen this bit before, she thought.

Sniffling, Lily shrugged and brought one hand up to wipe at her face. Her voice was still unsteady as she answered. "I don't know," she said helplessly, and once again the tears threatened to overwhelm her. But James saw them glistening and, with a pang of his own, he pulled her back to him. She hugged him more fully this time, her arms circling his waist as one hand delved into her flyaway hair and pressed her into his shoulder again.

"It'll be okay," he whispered. "I promise."

And for some reason, despite years and years of knee-jerk reactions and second-guessing even his most obviously truthful statements, Lily believed him. She tried to think of why and startled herself when she named what was different in this moment: James Potter felt safe. Despite her complete and utter breakdown, he made her feel able to handle whatever might get thrown at her.

She squeezed her arms around him tighter.

After another long minute or two of embrace, they both started to loosen their grasp on the other. Just before he pulled away, without thinking about it, James dropped a soft kiss into the hair just above Lily's ear. Upon realising what he had just done, both parties stilled. You fucking idiot, James thought to himself. You had to, didn't you? Fucking hell…

Lily, however, had no such negative thoughts. For part of a second she was confused, but she knew that she had no room left for her to be confused, so she let it go. She would not fight with him, or however it was that she might have normally reacted if he kissed her so casually. Instead, she tightened her arms just a tiny bit and pressed her own soft, chaste kiss into the crook of his neck. James stopped mid-breath.

Not noticing, Lily delicately stepped out of James's embrace and he let his arms fall limply back to his sides. He tried to reign in the nervous confusion he was feeling now as Lily looked shyly up at him. He assumed that he'd succeeded when she gave him a weak smile. Weak, but sure. James allowed himself to breathe again and both of the Gryffindors turned to the door.

Sedately, both of them stepped back into the corridor. Lily wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she felt sure that when she looked at a clock, she would feel it had been either much longer or much shorter than it actually proved. When she caught glimpse of the darkening sky through a high window a few minutes later, she decided that it felt much shorter.

The two walked slowly in the direction of Gryffindor tower, their bodies much closer than Lily would usually allow. James wondered if she noticed. He certainly did. The seemingly sudden lateness of the hour had not passed him either, and he worriedly wondered if he had been reveling in being alone with Lily, even if she was crying. He didn't think he had been, and it certainly hadn't felt like it in that classroom, but it seemed quite like something he would do, he thought. Then, he wondered why he thought that. Nothing occurred to him, but he continued to puzzle over it as they turned into the seventh floor corridor leading to their Common Room, the self-deprecating tone still in his thoughts.

Abruptly, Lily stopped. James walked a step or two further before realising and turning back to look at her. She looked like hell, James realised, but she was also very beautiful. She held up no pretenses here, with her uniform wrinkled and her eyes bloodshot. She suddenly looked very embarrassed.

"You haven't got to be embarrassed, Evans." His voice was reassuring, but Lily smiled weakly again and shook her head.

"I know. I'm just, going to go clean myself up." She gestured to a girls' loo that they were just about to pass and James nodded. "I'd rather not go in looking like…" she paused, not sure what she didn't want to look like, so James finished for her.

"Looking like you just cried into the shoulder of probably the one bloke you've ever hated in your life?" he suggested, and Lily chuckled, surprising them both once again.

"Yeah," she said, "I supposed that's what I meant."

James nodded a second time and, completely unsure of what goodbye he ought to give, began to turn away without one. Lily, with an unbidden surge of guilt, took a swift step forward to stop him. Her thin fingers gripping his elbow, she tried to correct him. "Potter, I don't really-"

He swung around at her touch and her words stuttered to a stop when she found herself much closer to him that she was expecting. James's eyes flickered with surprised at the proximity, but he didn't move back. They stared at each other for a long moment before Lily realised that he was waiting for her to continue. Falteringly, she did.

"I never… What I'm saying is that I never really hated you, Potter. You- You ought to know that."

Her voice sounded mildly unsure despite the truth of her statement, and James raised his eyebrows at her. Not mocking her, but surprised that their walk had taken this route. Lily swallowed. Maybe she should have just let him walk away. They both stayed there though, and after a moment the motherly side of Lily's brain kicked in. Okay, get along then. Don't just stand here.

Before she started to walk away though, Lily shifted imperceptibly closer and, blinking very, very slowly, looked at James directly again. "Thank you," she breathed faintly, and then, blushing, stepped past him and shuffled into the loo. When she walked away she let her hand fall from his elbow in a way that was just barely unnatural, so that her fingertips grazed the inside of his hand before she continued on. The tingling trail remained on his hand as he blankly watched her walk away.

James didn't move until several moments after the door had swung shut behind her. He simply watched her retreat, lips slightly parted, not entirely sure exactly what the fuck had just happened, and even less sure why it felt like things had just changed between them, again. Blinking himself back to reality, James continued down the corridor, rubbing his right hand with his left, fingering the trail that Lily had left on his palm.

A/N: I hope you liked it. I published this legitimately right after I finished writing it, so if there are little mistake then please forgive me. Let me know what you think, how I could improve it, all of that. Thanks. :)