It isn't until after he's watched them for a good ten seconds and lets out a strangled cry of disgust that Cooper grasps enough sense to slam the door shut. Three months. Kurt and Blaine have been living with him for three months and he's already caught them in the act eight times. He figures they'd have enough sense to at least go to their room when they know that eventually he'll return with the groceries and walk right through the front door.

Cooper leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. He taps his foot impatiently while he waits for Kurt and Blaine to put their clothes back on and let him in. Tonight, it seems like they're taking their time, because fifteen minutes later, Kurt finally opens the door with an innocent smile.

Cooper glares at him before picking up his groceries and stomping through the doorway. He continues forward to the kitchen, where he slams the bags down on the counter.

"This is my apartment, you know," he says.

"Yes, but we pay two-thirds of the rent," Kurt says as he closes the door.

"And I'm the one working two jobs while also attending school," Blaine adds as he struggles to get his sweatshirt back over his head. Kurt rolls his eyes and moves forward, grabbing the hem of Blaine's sweatshirt and pulling it down.

"And I have the steady job at Vogue that puts food on the table," Kurt says smugly. "Not to mention that raise I got last week."

"You also have a bedroom," Cooper retorts. "A bedroom with a door and a lock that is supposed to be used for your privacy."

"We're sorry, Coop," Blaine says insincerely. "It won't happen again."

"You said that the last seven times," Cooper says dryly. "And look where we are now – number eight."

"Oh, come on, Cooper," Blaine says, sitting down on the couch. "You're not actually angry, are you?"

"I'm sick of bearing witness to you two trying different sex positions," Cooper snaps, frustrated. "I had it after the reverse cowgirl. But now we're up to sixty-nining, and I'm way beyond my limit here."

"Look, honestly – we'll try to remember to keep everything to the bedroom, okay?" Blaine says.

"No."

Blaine looks at him, confused. "What – what do you mean 'no'?"

"I mean trying to remember isn't good enough," Cooper replies. "You two are going to sleep out on the terrace for week. See how fun sex is out there."

Kurt and Blaine stare at him, open-mouthed and unsure.

"Cooper, you're not – you're not serious?" Kurt says, taking a step forward.

"I'm dead serious," Cooper says, crossing his arms.

Blaine jumps up, walking forward. "Cooper – "

"Ah-ah," Cooper says, holding up a finger. "A week. A week on the terrace."

"But – "

"No 'buts,'" Cooper says sternly. "I let you guys move in here, and the least I ask is that you keep your sexual activities to yourselves. But since you can't do that, why don't you take a taste of what being homeless feels like. Because if after this week, you can't keep things to the bedroom, I'm kicking you out completely."

"Cooper, that's so not fair – " Blaine starts, raising his voice.

"Oh, but it is," Cooper replies, smirking. "Because now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bleach my eyes."

He stalks off to the bathroom, and as soon as the door shuts with a slam, Kurt and Blaine turn to each other. Immediately, they burst out laughing.

"I can't take him seriously," Blaine says, wiping at his eyes.

"I still can't tell if he is serious," Kurt replies.

"Oh man, I haven't seen him this riled up in a long time," Blaine says with a sigh. He collapses back onto the couch, resting his arm along the back of it as Kurt joins him. "It's kind of hilarious."

"He's not really going to make us sleep on the terrace is he?" Kurt asks, starting to look nervous.

Blaine scoffs. "No. Give him an hour and a couple of drinks – he'll be crashed out on the couch and we'll be sneaking off to our room."

.

.

But four hours later, Cooper is still insisting on them sleeping outside.

"For the last time, Cooper – this is ridiculous!" Blaine stands with his arms crossed, glaring at Cooper –who's leaning against the front of Kurt and Blaine's bedroom door.

"No, what's ridiculous is me walking in on you and Kurt having sex every other day – in our living room, on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom – is there a place in this apartment you haven't had sex?"

There's no answer, and Cooper shakes his head.

"See my point?"

"Actually, we've never had sex on the terrace," Kurt pipes in from the bathroom, sounding oddly muffled with his toothbrush in his mouth.

"Ah, well, there you go," Cooper says with a smile. "You guys can try that tonight."

"It's cold," Blaine replies.

"Well, then you better stock up on the blankets," Cooper replies.

"We're not sleeping out there, Cooper."

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

"I'll kick you in the balls."

"I'll pull yours off. Then I won't ever have to see them again."

"Cooperrr," Blaine whines. He throws his head back, letting out a loud noise of frustration. "Cooper, come on – be reasonable."

"I am," Cooper says calmly. "I've let it slide seven times before, but you guys aren't learning your lesson."

"You're not our parents, Coop," Blaine says.

"I'm your roommate, and I refuse to let you two sex-crazed idiots defile my brain anymore."

"Cooper, why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Blaine asks, raising an eyebrow. "I discovered gay porn on your computer when I was eight years old – this isn't anything new to you."

"Um – watching my baby brother come is not the same thing as watching a pornstar, okay?" Cooper says, widening his eyes for emphasis. "That is not something I ever wanted to see – not once, not twice, definitely not eight times." He shudders, closing his eyes for a second.

"You're really going to make us sleep out there, aren't you?" Blaine asks, crossing his arms again.

Cooper nods.

"Blaine, don't do it!" Kurt calls from the bathroom.

"Fine, if this is some way of you cleansing yourself or whatever, I'll do it. But promise me you won't ever freak out like this again?"

"Only if you promise not to have sex anywhere besides your bed."

Blaine hesitates.

"Blaine."

"Blaine."

"Fine, fine," he says quickly. "As long as you're home, Kurt and I won't have sex anywhere else besides our bedroom."

"Blaine, are you seriously giving in?" Kurt steps out of the bathroom, looking both surprised and angry. "Blaine, I'm not sleeping – "

"It's just a week, Kurt," Blaine says with a shrug. "It won't be that bad."

Kurt narrows his eyes. "Oh, you won't have to worry about a thing, Cooper. Because Blaine here won't be getting any sexual satisfaction from me for awhile." He stalks past both of them and into the bedroom, heading for the closet where he grabs his winter bathrobe. "Why did I ever think getting myself involved with two Andersons would be a good idea?" he mutters under his breath.

"Because you love us." Blaine sneaks up from behind, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist. "Especially me." He presses a kiss to the back of Kurt's neck, but Kurt squirms and pulls away.

"You're not getting off that easy," Kurt says. "I have to work a twelve-hour day tomorrow, and sleeping on that goddamned terrace isn't going to help me any. Especially the bedhead – it's windy out there."

"No it's not," Blaine says with a scoff. "You'll be fine Kurt – it's one week."

"One week too many," he mutters.

"Kurt, come on – it's Cooper. You know him. He just wants some satisfaction in revenge. We give him one or two nights of this, and he'll be fine. It's not a big deal."

"It might not be to you," Kurt replies, walking past him to grab a few pillows off their bed. "You only have two classes tomorrow."

Blaine groans, shaking his head. "You can't both be mad at me – it's not my fault Cooper's insane."

"I'm not mad at you," Kurt says with a small smile. "Frustrated, yes. But not mad." He pauses, straightening up. "And in fact, this could be fun." He's got that look on his face – the one he gets when he's planning something. Blaine knows. He got that same look the time he got drunk and decided to try and break into Marion Cotillard's trailer while she was filming in Central Park and got himself a restraining order instead.

"Oh, God – what are you planning?"

.

.

"Kurt, you said you have to work a twelve-hour day tomorrow," Blaine hisses in a whisper.

"Cooper won't buy this if it's too soon," Kurt retorts. "Just five more minutes, Blaine."

"Kurt, he's not going to buy it anyway," Blaine points out. "It's freezing out here. He's not honestly going to believe that we'd do this."

Kurt shoots him a glare as an answer.

A minute passes before Blaine protests again. "This is a waste of time, Kurt. Come on, let's go to sleep."

Kurt turns to look at him, disbelieving. "Are you honestly that afraid to fake an orgasm?"

Blaine splutters out a few incoherent words before firmly saying, "No. I've faked one before, you know."

Kurt raises an eyebrow. "What are you trying to say, Blaine?"

"No – not with you," he says quickly, his face going red. "I mean, I – onstage. I'm – I'm an actor, Kurt."

Kurt shakes his head, rolling his eyes. "Just shut up and pretend to have sex with me."

He stands up, shivering a little at first. He walks over to the patio door, pressing his back against it.

"What are you doing?" Blaine asks, hesitant.

"You're going to fake fuck me against the door."

Blaine blinks. "What?"

"Just, come on – get up here, Blaine."

He sighs, throwing the blankets off himself before standing up. He steps up in front of Kurt, placing his hands on Kurt's waist. "You ready?"

Kurt nods, and carefully begins thrusting, banging his ass against the glass door. "Oh, God," he murmurs breathlessly. "Oh, God – Blaine."

Blaine stands frozen, unsure what to do. Kurt shoots him a frantic look, urging him to follow his lead.

"Ugh, you feel so good, Kurt," he says in a low, growling voice. "Yeah – yeah, just like that." He bangs a fist against the door, then flattens his palm on the glass.

"Harder," Kurt moans. "Go harder, Blaine."

Blaine growls as Kurt moves his hips faster.

"Like that?" Blaine asks.

"Y – yeah," Kurt replies. "Just like that. God, Blaine. Fuck."

Blaine bites his lip to keep from laughing. Kurt looks up, slowing down his hips but not stopping.

"Blaine," he hisses in a whisper. "Get it together."

"Mmmm," he replies, unable to say anything else for fear of cracking up. "So good," he says. "Ah – so good."

"Don't stop," Kurt pants. "No, oh, God, Blaine – don't stop."

"Kurt, I – Kurt, I'm going to – "

"Keep going."

"I'm going to come," Blaine says through clenched teeth. "Kurt, I – " He lets out a grown, and then after a beat – a long, drawn-out cry.

They freeze, waiting to hear the footsteps, and sure enough, within a few seconds, they hear someone approaching the door. They scramble to get underneath the blankets, and Blaine yanks off his shirt, pulling up the bottom of the blankets to show their legs tangled up.

Cooper opens the door just as Blaine positions himself over Kurt.

"Would it kill you to keep it down out here?" he asks. "I don't want any neighbors calling the police on us."

"We'll try," Blaine says with a smirk.

Cooper stares at them, eyes narrowed, for a moment before sliding the door shut again and going inside. The blinds rustle as he disappears, and Blaine collapses on top of Kurt, laughing obnoxiously. It takes them a good five minutes to get ahold of themselves, but eventually Blaine rolls off of Kurt, curling up into a ball as the lasts of his laughter dies away.

"I can't believe that worked," he says with a sigh.

"I can't believe you can fake an orgasm that well," Kurt replies.

It's Blaine's turn to glare.

.

.

The next morning, both Kurt and Blaine wake up with cricks in their necks and pounding headaches. Cooper smiles smugly as they struggle to get ready.

"How you liking the terrace?" he asks over breakfast.

Neither Kurt nor Blaine reply.

Soon, it becomes warfare.

Cooper teases them the rest of the day, saying things to get them to turn their heads fast, laughing when they grimace and reach up and massage their necks. That night, Kurt and Blaine pull the same stunt, but Cooper isn't as polite. He opens the door and throws a cup of water on them, soaking their blankets and adding to the chill.

The third night, Blaine and Kurt don't do anything, and Cooper stays quiet the morning after.

After the last night, Kurt and Blaine trudge slowly inside, exhausted.

"Hey, guys," Cooper says brightly. "Sleep well?"

Kurt ignores him, and Blaine sneezes before he replies bitterly, "I think I'm coming down with a cold."

"Should have brought more blankets out there, bud," Cooper replies, sipping on his coffee.

Blaine gives him the biggest bitchface he can muster.

"Hey, don't blame me," Cooper says, holding his hands up in surrender. "I just wanted you to learn your lesson."

"Well, the only thing I've learned," Blaine says, "is that sleeping outside in the middle of October doesn't make you any less horny – it just makes you sick."

Cooper throws a banana at him.

.

.

The third night back in their bed, Kurt and Blaine are sleeping soundly. That is – until Kurt is awoken by a peculiar noise. He sits up, listening until he hears it again.

"Blaine," he whispers, reaching out and shaking him awake. "Blaine."

"What?" he asks, rolling over.

"Listen."

A giggle.

A groan.

A low voice.

Panting.

"It's coming from the living room," Kurt says.

"Cooper brought a girl home, didn't he?" Blaine says, still a little disoriented.

"Yes, he did," Kurt says with a smirk. "And where are they having sex?"

"Not in Cooper's room."

Kurt laughs slightly. "Not in Cooper's room," he repeats. He throws the covers off of himself, getting up and heading for the door.

"Kurt?" Blaine asks. "Kurt, what are you doing?"

He doesn't answer, just heads quietly and carefully out of the room. Blaine jumps up, darting after him. Kurt's inching down the hallway, moving closer to the living room entrance. He's got his hands against the wall, moving slowly and stealthily.

"Kurt?"

"Shh," he replies. "Don't let them see you."

"Why?" Blaine asks. "What are you going to do?"

"You'll see."

A loud grunt reaches their ears, and Kurt takes his opportunity, rounding the corner and walking into the living room.

"Cooper, babe?"

He and the girl look up, surprised.

"Oh, god."

The girl reaches for her clothes, throwing her shirt quickly over her naked breasts. Cooper freezes, still straddling her.

"Cooper?" Kurt asks, sounding almost scared. He swallows hard. "Coop, what's going on? Is this what I – are you cheating on me?" His voice breaks on the last three words, and Blaine raises his eyebrows, impressed.

The girl looks up to Cooper, suspicious. "Cooper, what's going on?"

"No," he says quickly, evidently still in shock. "Kathleen, it's not – he's not – I – "

"You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend," Kathleen says, clenching her jaw.

"I don't!" Cooper says loudly, eyes wide. "Kurt's not – he's my brother's boyfriend."

Kathleen scoffs. "Likely story."

"I'm not kidding," Cooper says desperately. "Blaine?" he calls. "Blaine, get out here! This isn't funny!"

Kathleen shakes her head. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I kept thinking you looked sleazy. God, I feel so stupid." She crawls out from underneath him, and throws her clothes back on, continuing to mumble under her breath. " . . . can't believe you bring me back here . . . boyfriend is asleep in the next room . . . so stupid." She leaves with a huff, but not before grabbing the TV remote off the coffee table and chucking it at Cooper's head. "Have a nice life, you jerk!" And she's gone with the slam of the front door.

Kurt doubles over, laughing hysterically.

Cooper jumps off the couch, pointing a finger at him. "You," he says in a low voice. "I swear to God, Kurt Hummel – "

Kurt shakes his head, continuing to laugh. "Cooper, I can't take you seriously until you at least put on some pants."

Cooper scowls, and reaches down to quickly put on his underwear and jeans. "Kurt," he starts, closing his eyes with frustration.

"Oh, don't even scold me," Kurt interrupts. "Excuse me, Cooper, but where are we standing?"

Cooper blinks, confused. "The . . . living room?"

"And where are we not supposed to have sex when other people are home?" Kurt asks.

Cooper grinds his teeth together, scoffing. "Right – fine, whatever. I won't have sex out here anymore."

"And not while Blaine and I are home sleeping," Kurt adds.

"And not while you and Blaine are home sleeping," Cooper repeats, almost mockingly. "But you're gonna call that girl back, Kurt. And you're gonna tell her that you're dating Blaine."

Kurt looks thoughtful for a second, pursing his lips together. "Nah, I don't think I will."

"Kurt," Cooper says warningly.

"Sorry, Coop. I'm just trying to teach you a lesson."

A/N: I've been thinking way too much about the possibilities of a Glee spinoff, and one involved Kurt, Blaine, and Cooper living together. Things just kind of spiraled then.