Author's Note: Written for a prompt on the Mass Effect kink meme. Beta'd by Dia2blo.

His head felt…heavy. His face felt heavy and it dragged his head downwards. Down and oh…his head had just hit something. The bar…right, he was at the bar. His head was now on the bar. He heard laughter to his right and turned his head to see what was so funny. Next to him sat Garrus. Ah, good old Garrus. And next to Garrus sat…who was that again? Kaidan tried to concentrate. He knew who that was just…what was his name again? Big, muscled, pig nose…that was…that was…no. He couldn't remember. Or wait, maybe…no, no. Garrus and…pig nose were looking down at him, the laughter slowly fading.

"Whatso funny?" Kaidan slurred, provoking another round of laughter, or maybe not exactly laughter…was that Garrus giggling like a little schoolgirl? The two slowly calmed down again, the giggling, or the laughter – Kaidan really couldn't tell, subsiding when suddenly pig nose started laughing again and Garrus chimed in again and yes, that had definitely been him.

"Nothing, Major," the Turian answered, holding his belly, "Nothing."

Commander Shepard exited Starboard Observation. He had hoped to find Kaidan there but the Major was nowhere to be found. The two had confessed their feelings for each other not too long ago and they were still trying to get to know each other. Sure, they had known each other for more than three years, but that had been as colleagues, comrades. This whole lover-thing was still new to both of them and Shepard hadn't gotten used to it yet. That was also why the two kept their relationship a secret from the rest of the crew. They wanted to figure it out themselves before facing their reactions. Shepard was just about to return to his cabin and call it a day when he heard loud laughter coming out of Port Observation. He entered and saw Vega and Garrus sitting at the bar, laughing their arses off and to their left sat Kaidan, slumped over the bar, obviously very, very drunk which made the commander smile. Shepard came closer, sitting down between Garrus and Kaidan.

Suddenly there was movement somewhere at the edge of Kaidan's peripheral vision and he recognised Shepard's smell before he had even seen his face. Shepard smelled so good; of sweat and of warmth and of everything Kaidan longed for. The smell felt like…like home.

"John," Kaidan almost shouted with joy, sitting up, because now that John was here his energy slowly returned, the heaviness leaving the muscles in his face, leaving his head.

"Kaidan," Shepard smiled at him before creasing his face into a grimace upon smelling the other man's breath.

"Shepard. Do you also want something to drink?" Garrus purred, almost sounding sober.

"Scars is the barmaid tonight," Vega added gleefully and he wasn't quite sure whether calling him Scars or calling him a barmaid earned him the Turian's elbow to the side.

"No thanks, I was just looking for Kaidan," Shepard answered.

"Take some, John. You need to loosen up," and suddenly, Shepard felt a hand on his shoulders, kneading the tense muscles there and oh god yes, that felt good. Until he remembered that they were not alone. He quickly turned his back away from Garrus and Vega to hide Kaidan's advances from them. What did his lover think he was doing? Well, considering his current state of drunkenness, he probably didn't think much of anything but damn! They had agreed to keep their relationship hidden. Another part of Shepard's brain though, filed away the information that a drunken Kaidan was apparently a very horny Kaidan for later investigation.

"Kaidan," he warned in a quiet voice, trying to make his lover stop.

Something in Kaidan's drunken brain seemed to have understood the mention of his name as an invitation to proceed, however, as his hand moved further and further down Shepard's back.

"You heard the Major. So, what do you want to drink?" Garrus asked a second time.

"No, really, I don't," and right then Kaidan's fingers reached the top hem of his trousers and slid inside his trousers, travelling along his crack. Shepard took a sharp breath, his eyes widening, before he was able to regain his composure, "I don't want to drink anything. Thanks."

He tried shifting forward in his bar stool, away from Kaidan's fingers which burned against his skin, away from those fingers pushing and pushing, trying to reach his opening, but Kaidan held him in place by his trousers.

To his horror, Shepard had to discover that his dick seemed to care just as little about the situation they were in as Kaidan did, as it began to grow harder and bigger, pushing against the confines of his trousers, creating a very obvious bulge. Shepard's discomfort must have shown on his face because Vega suddenly asked "Yo, loco, you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Shepard answered, putting on a badly faked smile.

The fingers in his trousers disappeared and Shepard was already breathing a sigh of relief when he felt Kaidan's lips against his ear.

"Commander," Kaidan whispered in an irresistibly sensual tone that only aroused Shepard further. He could feel the Major's hot, wet breath on his skin, "have I ever told you how cute you are when you blush?"

Kaidan's tongue darted out of his mouth, licking along Shepard's earlobe and Shepard quickly pushed Kaidan's head away, hoping that neither Garrus, nor Vega had noticed anything.

"Did he just lick your ear, man?" Okay, that didn't work. "Ew, that's gross," Vega continued, though he seemed to be more amused than disgusted.

"Yeah, I guess the Major," Shepard made sure that his voice was especially stern, "has had a bit too much to drink," he tried to keep a straight face but between Kaidan's still too hot, too close breath making him horny and Garrus' shrieking laughter being goddamn contagious, that proved to be quite a challenge.

"So Shepard, any word on the Crucible?" Garrus asked once he had managed to calm himself down once again, his voice sounding more serious.

"Well, they have just…"

"I want your cock in me," Kaidan whispered, "Your big, fat cock. I want to ride it." And fuck he was going to pay for that!

"On second thought, Garrus, I think I would like to drink something," Shepard announced quickly, as there was no way in hell that he would be able to sit through this any longer without even an ounce of alcohol in his system.

"A Garrus Surprise coming right up at ya," the Turian winked at him.

"I wann-u balls-deep in me."

"Here you go," a glass filled to the rim with purple liquid was placed in front of him.

"Thrusting into my tight hole."

"Uh, thanks. Thanks, Garrus," Shepard took a sip.

"I wanna be your slut, Commander. You could tie me up and fuck me. Again…"

Shepard nearly choked on his drink, coughing loudly.

"…and again…"

Garrus patted him on the back.

"And again."

"Careful, loco. Can't have you choke to death on a cocktail," Vega said and something about that must have been awfully funny, because Vega started laughing once more, "Choke to," he couldn't stop laughing, "Choke to…to death on a COCK…tail," he screamed, barely able to breathe.

"Want me to do that, Commander? Suck your cock?" Oh god and back was Kaidan, "I could do that, you know. Or you could hold me in place; ram your cock into my mouth until I start gagging," fuck, his trousers were beginning to feel tight…and wet.

And then he felt Kaidan wrap his arms around him from behind and okay, he had to get out of here, preferably with Kaidan to prevent him from any further stupidities.

"Now is really not the time, Major Alenko," Shepard said, trying to keep his voice calm and failing miserably.

Vega started laughing (had he ever really stopped?), watching Kaidan mouth a wet trail along the commander's neck.

"Man, he's," Vega started having difficulty laughing, breathing and talking all at once "he is," he tried again but failed to keep his laughter under control. "He's molesting Shepard," Vega finally burst out and Garrus resumed his giggling from earlier, slapping the lieutenant on the back as if he'd just told him the funniest joke he'd ever heard.

Shepard wasn't quite as amused. In fact, he was anything but. He tried removing Kaidan's arms from where the major had wrapped them around him but his lover just reacted by moving his hands lower, the beautiful, long fingers getting dangerously close to Shepard's bulge.

"Okay, Major, I think you've had enough. I'll get you to your quarters," he said, grabbing Kaidan's wrist and sliding off his bar stool.

"No, I wanna stay," Kaidan said aloud, pouting.

"Yeah, I just don't think that's a good idea," Shepard replied.

"C'mon, loco! Be a sport! Let the major stay if he wants to," Vega interjected.

"You heard the man, John. Let's stay! I could make it worth your while, you know," Kaidan said, getting off his bar stool, as well, before dropping to his knees in front of Shepard and reaching for the commander's zipper. He looked up at him with those beautiful, brown eyes, pleading, and a lesser man would have lost control right there and then. But not Shepard, no. Not him, damn it. He just had to remind himself why it wasn't a good idea to let Kaidan suck his dick right now. (A dick which was now unbelievably, achingly hard, by the way.) Why was that again? Oh right, they were not alone. Garrus and Vega were in the room.

Speaking of which, the two had grown suspiciously quiet and when Shepard turned his head to look at them they were outright staring at him and Kaidan. When Garrus noticed the commander staring back, he burst out in laughter and, of course, Vega followed his example.

Kaidan had used Shepard's distraction to try and open his lover's zipper which had, however, somehow gotten stuck in the process and now the major was pulling and tucking at it forcefully. It fortunately didn't get him anywhere and Shepard was able to pull Kaidan back up by the shoulders.

"That's it, Major, we're leaving."

"No! " the major sounded like a little kid, pouted like one, too, "There's so much stuff I still wanna do, Shepard. I wanna suck your cock," did he have to say that out loud? "I wanna hear you moan my name and shout," he had problems holding himself upright, "shout orders at me while I take your big dick down my throat," he almost sounded angry. Like he had every right to demand giving the commander a blowjob right here, right now and if Shepard hadn't felt so awfully embarrassed and frustrated at that moment, he would've found it adorable.

"Okay, that's, uh lovely, But..." the commander shut his eyes. Was this really happening right now? Couldn't it just be a terrible nightmare or something? Had the Reapers killed him and he had ended up in hell? "Kaidan, would you, maybe, let me convince you to do that somewhere with less audience? Please?"

"You know what?" Kaidan asked, "Boring!" Oh yes, he was so going to pay for this.

He staggered along the wall, away from the bar to the opposite side of the room.

"I would much rather do it right here for everyone to see! Yes, let them all watch," he began to shout as he kept staggering towards the poker table, "We're here, everybody! C'mon and," he hiccupped, "watch. I want you to see it all! I want you to see the commander bend me over the table," he still shouted as he reached the poker table and bent over it, holding his buttocks up into the air suggestively, "and fill me up with his big," he slapped his own bottom, "fat," another slap, "penis!"

That was when Shepard, who had rushed to the other side of the room as soon as Kaidan had begun shouting, managed to grab Kaidan around the waist and haul him over his right shoulder, much to the other man's protest.

Garrus and Vega watched in anticipation, as if they were watching a gripping extranet show as the commander made his way towards the door, carrying Kaidan with him.

"I love you, man! I love John Shepard and his cock!"

The door opened and Shepard made his way to the elevator. Unfortunately, Kaidan's shouting seemed to have awoken some of the crew members.

"And I love your balls and your cum tastes so good!" Kaidan exclaimed as Dr. Chakwas walked towards them and oh great, that was another person Shepard would never be able to look in the eyes again. He smiled at her apologetically as he made his way into the elevator.

"Shepard's cock is the best!" Kaidan managed to shout before the doors closed. There was silence for a few seconds, wonderful, heavenly silence, and John let Kaidan down, holding him to give him some support, before Kaidan's voice sounded again, much quieter this time, a little bit hoarse from all the shouting.

"It needed to be said, John. They had to know the truth."

"Yes, I know Kaidan, I know."

"I mean, your cock is the best."

That made Shepard chuckle. "Thanks, honey."

"You're welcome."

The elevator doors opened again and Shepard manoeuvred Kaidan into his bed before ridding himself of his clothes and lying down next to him. After what had happened tonight, he hoped he would never have to wake up again.

"Ah, Kaidan. How are we today?" Garrus grinned mischievously.

"Hungover, why?"

"So…you don't remember last night?" the Turian asked.

"No. What happened?"

"Oh, nothing out of the ordinary," Garrus answered.

"Hm, so you don't know why Shepard won't come out of his quarters, either?"

"Not the faintest idea."

"Hey, Kaidan," Vega called and when the major looked at him he added, "Poker table," and winked at him.

All of a sudden, Garrus cracked up in front of him and…was he giggling? Kaidan couldn't believe it! Garrus Vakarian was giggling like a little schoolgirl and yet, something about that sound seemed terribly familiar.

I wanna suck your cock! Bend me over the table and fill me up! Shepard's cock is the best!

Suddenly Kaidan's face was drained from all colour and he felt sick to the bone.

"I, I have to go," he said, jumping up and rushing towards the elevator as the laughter of the crew resounded through the mess.

Author's Note: I hope you liked it. Please comment :)!