Dear Tori

A/N: There will be a sequel.

Dear Tori -

Hi. It's me, Cat. I hope you can read my handwriting…I'm trying to keep it as neat as possible but I'm sure you understand that sometimes my thoughts come quicker than my hand can write so things can get rambly and rushed and sloppy. Kind of like that. But I'm not in any hurry right now as I write you this letter, so it should look nice. I really want this letter to look nice for you. I hope you can read it.

I guess I should probably get to the point of this, huh? I bet you're wondering why you found a letter from me in your locker this morning and where I am. Well, I won't be at school today. Probably not tomorrow, either. Or the day after. I think you get my point. You always did.

I love you, Tori. I love you in a very bright and succinct way. I bet you're surprised that I even know that word! Well I do. I know a lot of words when it comes to you. You actually helped me learn things, Tori. Like…when I needed to pass a vocabulary test and the word incandescent was on it. I hope I spelled that right! Anyway, it means emitting light as a result of something being heated. I was having such a hard time with that word a few months ago, but then one day when we were all at lunch you laughed really hard at something Andre said. Your eyes really lit up. So whenever I needed to remember what incandescent meant, I thought of your eyes being heated up from your laughter and the way they glowed. I would have told you that sooner but I didn't think you'd understand.

I'm sorry about that. Not thinking you'd understand, I mean. You always understood me. Well, not always. But when I took the time to explain myself, you did. You were really great about that, Tori. I loved how you would sit outside with me and let me explain my thoughts to you. It was always a lot different with you. Everyone else would just pat me on the head – literally! – and walk away. They never bothered to listen to what I meant when I said something "crazy". But you did. Remember the first time you asked me to explain what I meant by saying the clouds were like cotton candy, and I cried? I remember the look on your face. Priceless! I felt so bad…but how was I supposed to explain that you were the only person to ever do that? How was I supposed to tell you that you were the only person to ever ask me what I was thinking without looking terrified?

How was I supposed to tell you that I loved you like I did? It would have seemed too crazy. Maybe then you would have just given my head a pat and walked away. God, maybe not though. Tori, I need you to know some things…. I need you to know some things about yourself that I don't think you know.

I have a list here that I was just going to stick with this letter but I decided not to do that. The list I have is the one I've been carrying around for a year now, so it has soda stains on it and lots and lots of doodles. Not bad ones! But you know. Oh, right. Anyway.

I think you need to know that your eyes look like hazelnut toffee in the sun. Under the lights of the Hollywood Arts hallways though, they look like dark chocolate. Not the cheap kind that melts too quickly, but the nice kind. The kind that comes like $5 per bar. Did you know that? Did you know how brightly your eyes shine when you laugh? You need to know that, Tori.

You also need to know that your dimples make me happy. I think I told you that once, but it was right before you were going onstage for a play and I think you were too distracted to hear me. But your dimples make everyone happy! And not just because that means you're smiling, but because they make my stomach feel like it's full of butterflies. Really! It got to the point where every time I saw a butterfly I thought of your dimples. It made me really love butterflies, and really love you. Mostly you though, Tori.

You know what else I love about you, Tori? Your boots! No pair in particular, though. I just loved them because whenever you wore them, I could hear you coming. It's like how you can smell a thunderstorm in the air before it actually starts raining; that's what it was like to hear the click of your boots behind me. Oh, maybe that's a bad comparison, but I think you know how much I love thunderstorms. There's so much energy in the air, and the whole world feels at peace. Kind of like me!

Speaking of thunderstorms, I'm sure you noticed your leather jacket was in your locker, too. I know you never forgot that I had it, but I know you're too nice to have ever asked for it back. Well, I've used it all I could. I would wear it every time there was a thunderstorm. It kept me warm in the rain, and it made me feel safe. Plus it smelled like you.

To be honest, Tori, it doesn't smell like you anymore. I put it on yesterday during the evening rainstorm and I realized it didn't smell like you anymore. That's kind of how I knew it was time for me to go. Does that make sense? Maybe not. But I'm digressing. You always told me I digressed, and I guess I do. I'm sorry about that…but you know how I am.

I have a few more things to say about you, Tori. Things you need to know! This one might be one of the most important things. You know how you started wearing that feather in your hair? Well, there's more than one because I know you have at least five different colors. But you get it. The point is…is that I never knew that I could fly until I saw that feather, Tori. You would think that as "spacey" as I was that I would have frequently felt like I could just fly away. But I didn't. I never felt like I could soar through the sky (and the cotton candy clouds!). Yet, when I saw that feather on you I took that as a sign. It reminded me of a bird, and then the next time I saw birds they reminded me of you. I looked at birds flying away and thought of you. It was in that moment that I knew one day I would find the strength to fly away - just like the birds. Did you know that you gave me the strength to fly away with the birds?

I hope you know that. Don't be sad, Tori. I know you're probably crying by now, and I hate that! I wish I could be hugging you and telling you not to be sad. But I can't. It's not my job to. That's what was so sad, really. But you don't have to worry about me anymore, Tori. I know you were always worrying about whether or not I was OK, and whether or not I was happy – or stable. I'm happy now, Tori. I was so tired of being stuck in a place where I didn't belong. I wanted to fly like the butterflies and soar like the birds, but I never thought I could. Everyone told me that I needed to be "better". I still wonder what they meant by that.

How would I have been "better"? I was just me. I was just Cat. But you never told me to be "better", Tori. You know that, right? You never made me feel bad about myself. It's so opposite of how you made me feel! You made me realize that I could soar like the birds. You made me realize I could become a butterfly, Tori. And that's what I did. I flew away. That's all. That's really all there is to it. I know people are going to be sad, but I wish they wouldn't be. To tell you the truth, I'm not. I get to fly now, Tori! I get to taste the cotton candy clouds, and I get to touch the sun. I know you told me it would be too hot to touch, but I want to try anyway. I want to shake hands with the sun for doing such a good job of lighting up your eyes when you laugh. I'm sure you understand.

Please don't be sad, Tori. I know you never loved me like I loved you, but that's not at all why I did this! I just had to leave. I needed to fly away; I needed to be free. I wasn't where I belonged, but I am now. I know I am now. And I'm still with you, Tori. Every day I'll be with you. I'll be a butterfly flying around your Mom's garden! Or I'll be a bird flying overhead. A pretty bird, though, and not one that poops on your food. I promise that bird-me will never do that.

You know how Jade once told me that my head was up in the clouds? I loved that! I wanted that more than anything, and now I have it. All you have to do is look up into the sky and you'll see me. I'll be the pink cloud in the sunset right above your house.

Speaking of Jade…. Will you tell her that I love her? And tell her thank you for being so sweet to me. You'd be surprised how sweet Jade was to me. But for that matter, tell everyone else I love them, too. Tell them all that I'll still be here. I'll always be here; they just have to find you to find me. I'll be the smell of rain before the storm, or the sunlight making your eyes shine. I promise I'll always be here, Tori.

Oh! That reminds me. The very last thing that you need to know about yourself Tori is something that you need to promise me you'll never forget. So, stop crying and promise me this. Tori, promise me you'll never forget that your laugh is the best sound in the world. I know that you won't want to laugh for a while…and I feel super guilty about that. But I need you to keep laughing. True story, Tori. Everyone else is going to need your laugh, too! It's going to be really sad around the lunch table before everyone realizes I'm in a better place now. But I know how your laugh used to make me feel, and I know everyone's going to need that. You know your laugh made me want to sing? It made me want to dance in the hallways and shake hands with the sun.

There was nothing better in the world than your laugh, Tori. Please never forget that. Never forget to laugh. Ever. And maybe if you think you've forgotten how, then watch our videos together on The Slap! (dot com). They always made me laugh. You always made me laugh, Tori. You always made me so happy, and maybe that's why I loved you. I loved you more than anything else in this world. And I owe you everything. You made me realize I could fly away from the buttheads and the jerks who told me to be "better". You made me realize that I was a bird, and that I wasn't stuck in a cage anymore.

Tori, you gave me the wings that I needed to fly away from here. I'll never be able to thank you enough, but I'll try and repay you. I'll make sure the sun shines a little bit brighter when you walk outside, and I'll make sure the thunder never sounds more powerful than your laugh. I'll make sure the butterflies land on your nose and I'll make sure that the sunset is always as pretty as you are.

I will miss you, Tori. A lot. More than you'll ever know. I wish things had been different. I wish I hadn't had to leave you like this. But we'll meet again! Don't worry about that. I'll be waiting for you up here in the sky. Take your time coming up here, though. The whole world needs to hear your thunder laughter first. It wouldn't be fair for you to leave before everyone could see how your eyes sparkle like hazelnut toffee in the sun.

I love you, Tori. If you ever need me, just come outside and talk to me! I promise I'll answer you somehow.

Love always and forever,

Cat.