Warnings: Angst, Talks of suicide.

Been a long loooooooooooong time since I've updated. Sorry.

Knock Out came online suddenly, like a sleeper ripped from dreams. He sat up, gasping as his optics went wide, staring. He had a full moment to realize he was somewhere completely unfamiliar before the pain slammed into him. Shocking in its intensity, it was enough he actually cried out.

"You shouldn't be online."

He didn't even register the voice as his frame shook. His lines burned from the neglect of having gone dry as his energon had burned away and now refresh energon was being pumped in. That sensation was relentless and stretched out to the tip of every limb making relief impossible. His vents were ragged as he struggled to remember what exactly had happened-

Breakdown.

He'd heard him, talked to him, seen him, felt him. But not here… No, no, no….this was all wrong. His frame felt heavy, a disgusting unwanted weight unlike the soft airy weightlessness he'd felt when he'd been with Breakdown. No…NO! He didn't want to be here. Shouldn't be here. He wanted to be with Breakdown.

'There's more for you to do yet.'

"Knock Out, you have to lay back down."

No. He didn't want to be here anymore. He hated it here….HATED IT. Sharp tipped fingers began to claw at the lines feeding into his frame, ripping them away with determination, energon leaking in rivets down his body. He needed to get out of wherever here was and set things right. He shouldn't be functioning. He didn't want to be. Not when he knew Breakdown was waiting for him. When all he had to do was die-

The hands suddenly grabbing him and trying to forcing him back down on the berth genuinely shocked and surprised him, as did who those hands belonged to, Ratchet. In a panicked bid for freedom, Knock Out twisted from the CMO's grasp. Sliding sideways, his foot caught the edge of the berth and he pushed away with all his might, tearing himself from both the other medic's grasp and the lines that had been pumping energon into him.

He landed on the floor with a jarring painful thud, energon splattering. His vision spun, vents faltered as he gasped for cool air, body curling inward for a moment as pain radiated outward. He probably would've lain there longer had Ratchet not come around the berth and started reaching for him again.

"NO! Don't you TOUCH me!" The red medic snarled, lurching backwards away from the Autobot.

"Stop. Just stop." The Autobot spoke in what was probably some attempt to be calming but Knock Out paid no heed. His vents labored as he scrambled to get up, his legs shaky, slipping in the energon on the floor as he moved.

"Stop! Just stop already!" Blunt dark digits reached for him and the Decepticon reacted, a clawed hand lashing out, swiping blindly in his enemies direction, making no contact.

"Get away from me!" He stumbled away, crashing into a counter. Leaning against it, panting, frame shaking, as he tried to force his vision to focus and will the pain away. He glanced up and in his washy vision he saw a familiar object laying carelessly on a tray across the room. A polishing cloth. His polishing cloth. The one Breakdown had given him. It suddenly became the most important thing in the room.

They had no right to touch it or try and take it from him.

Pushing off the counter, he stumbled toward it. Shoving the other medic away when he tried to stop him, jerking his arm from the other's grasp. Nearly diving for the tray in a desperate attempt to take back what was his and no one else's. He grabbed the cloth, gripping it tightly, clumsily tipping over the tray and sending its contains clattering to the floor.

"Knock Out! Will you just calm down! I'm trying to help you!"

The red mech turned to face his factional counterpart, leaning back against the wall for stability, the polishing cloth held tightly and close. "You can't have it!" He sneered. "He gave it to me. It's mine!"

The Autobot medic shook his head, face stern. "I don't give a damn-"

"Ratchet? What's going on in here?"

The voice and entrance of the large green mech caught both medic's attention.

"Bulkhead, I don't need you in here-"

"YOU!" Knock Out detached himself from the wall and shoved Ratchet out of his way with a new found strength entirely fueled by anger and hate and feelings of injustice at the hands of this moronic Wrecker.

Because of him, he couldn't be with Breakdown.

"You idiot! Do you have any idea what you've done!? Do you!?" Grabbing the nearest item, which happened to be a tray full of tools, he flung it at the Wrecker. Who actually had to audacity to look shocked and a little hurt even though the tools scattered around him and the tray was easily deflected with a forearm.

"Hey! I saved your life!"

"You weren't suppose to! All you had to do was pull the trigger or walk away and you fragged that up!" He grabbed a monitor and flung it, the screen shattering as it impacted green armor and fell to the floor amidst Ratchet's loud protest. Knock Out stumbled, the pain breaking through as he leaned against a wall, drawing in deep breaths, feeling woozy, but still managing a nasty glare at the green mech.

"You…you're a coward! Can't even…can't even kill a Decepticon." Knock Out sneered with undisguised disgust. "You're pathetic!"

The large mech squared his shoulders, hands curling into fists as he glared back, the anger obvious in those blue optics. "It's a mistake that can be corrected." the Wrecker spoke lowly.

"Then correct it!" The red medic pushed. "Go on! Do it! Do it now-" And arm wrapped around his neck from behind and he felt the sharp prick and slide of a needle into a line, an abrupt surge as something was injected.

"No…no…ssssssstop…" Time and world around him suddenly slowed down and he quickly found himself on his knees then his back, optics staring up as blurred shapes and muffled sounds moved around him, eventually giving way to a warm welcomed darkness.

The three stood in what served as their med bay. The mess of spilled and splattered energon and broken equipment still lay on the floor. Knock Out had been carefully moved back to the medical berth and was currently being hooked back up to various energon feed lines.

"I told you to leave. I did not need you in here. You didn't listen. And look what happen-"

"Aw, come on!" The Wrecker crossed his arms, frowning. "I walked in and said like three words and he exploded. That's not my fault."

"You're presence was a trigger."

"Oh, come on, Ratchet! How was I suppose to know he'd go insane?"

"You should have listened to me when I -"

Optimus finally had to step in and stop Ratchet and Bulkhead from arguing.

"Enough. Both of you. Bulkhead, go and see that the child don't wander in here. Given the state of Knock Out's condition, he may be a danger to others."

With an unhappy sigh, Bulkhead turned and left the room, mumbling sourly about crazy Cons. Ratchet waited a moment then spoke. "He's only a danger to himself."

Optimus shook his head as he stepped closer. "He could still cause others harm." He paused looking at the unconscious medic. "Do you really think…."

"Yes, I do. He would have died out there if Bulkhead hadn't stumbled upon him when he did during patrol. He's lucky we were able to even keep his spark going. If Bulkhead had walked away or found him later, his spark would have flickered out." He worked for a moment in silence. "The bigger question here is, what would drive a mech a like Knock Out to suicide?"

The Autobot leader considered for a moment. "Are we sure this isn't some ploy? Get a Con on the inside. Like Makeshift."

"I wondered that myself but…..I did a little digging in Knock Out's processor to find out just that and came across deleted messages from Megatron. He's promised death upon capture for desertion. Rather serious. And also remember he's their medic. If this is a mission, he's not a wise choice to send. And…..you didn't see him earlier. He…He really wants to die." Ratchet looked at Optimus. They both knew it was one thing to be struck down in the heat of battle and another to willfully orchestrate ones own death.

Optimus nodded, a troubled gaze settling on the unconscious mech. "We'll watch him. Do what we can for him."

****Author's notes****

The Autobots don't know yet that Breakdown is dead.

I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this.