A/N: I have a question for my readers, what do you think Michael writes
about in his Webzine, Crackhead? Oh and my format's gone all funny, so
please excuse some mistakes.
Prince Diaries
Tuesday, September 23
There are days when I wonder about my parent's sanity. Yes, it's true that they're psychoanalysts but there are days when I wonder why they don't psychoanalyze each other when Lilly (my sister) and I are asleep. Why you ask? Well technically you can't ask because 'you' are really a diary. And that's why I wonder if my parent's are completely insane. Mom and Dad are making me write in a diary. Dad says I can call it a journal if it helps with the whole male ego thing, but I would still know it's a diary, so why bother calling it something that it's not? They say it would be good for me, since I never tell them anything, nor do I tell Lilly. I tell Pavlov, my dog... Sometimes. But then I start to question if it's really sane for me to talk to an animal. There are days when I think talking to animals is easier then talking to humans. Take Mia for instance. Mia is Lilly's best friend. She is the source of every problem in my life so far. Well not every problem but pretty close to it. The problem with Mia is that I'm in love with her. She doesn't realize it, even though I do stuff like walk around her with no shirt on and tease her more then Lilly. It really sucks. Well, Lilly's calling me for dinner so I'm going to hide this...book under my bed, work on my web-zine Crackhead, and write in here tomorrow night.
Reasons I love Mia:
1.) She's smart.
2.) She's funny.
3.) She puts up with Lilly's crap everyday and still is friends with her.
4.) She's near the same height as me so if I were to kiss her I wouldn't need to bend in half, like I have for the few other girls I've kissed.
5.) She has beautiful gray eyes.
6.) Whenever she's gone I miss her a lot.
7.) She smells like peaches and I love peaches.
8.) She has this way of rambling on then switching the subject for no apparent reason that for some reason makes me melt inside.
Wednesday, September 24
Lilly says she thinks Mia is having a breakdown, but when I asked her why she told me to go away. (Actually she said something a bit more colourful, but that's not polite to write) So today I'm just going to write about Mia. Mia. Amelia. Amelia Thermopolis. God I love her name, just writing it makes me quiver inside. Oh God. I sound like one of the cheerleaders talking about the first time they screwed--er-- kissed a jock. I want to kiss Mia. DAMMIT! I can't get her out of my mind! I'm going insane, and I'm writing it all down in a diary/journal that could very well be found by Lilly and read on live TV on her show Lilly Tells It Like It Is as a special on the male adolescent's psyche. Shit, here comes Lilly. Under the bed you go. I'll write more later.
Later on Wednesday
I could never be with Mia. That makes me depressed. I have no courage to tell her how I feel, and no way would she feel the same way. She likes pretty (stupid) guys like Josh Rickter. I don't get her. To tired to write any more.
Things to do:
1.) Stop thinking about Mia.
2.) Stop torturing Lilly.
3.) Stop setting impossible tasks for yourself.
4.) Make sure to thank Maya for helping me with my geography homework
5.) Feed/walk Pavlov.
Thursday, September 25
Today I learned, by the wonders of overhearing, that Mia's mom is dating Mr Gianini. Sweet, lovable, and very conservative Mr Gianini, the algebra teacher, dating wild, funky, and, sad to admit, sexy Miss Thermopolis? Ha! I'm laughing even as I write this. I laughed when I learned it too, but I think Mia was really upset. She asked me not to tell anyone, and the temptation was more then I could resist. So I kept asking her "What are ya gonna do for me, huh Thermopolis?" She didn't get it. As much as I love Mia, she can be kind of dense sometimes. She kept on offering me to do stuff for me like walk Pavlov, or clean my room. I got kind of sick of listening to her offer stuff like that so I left. I heard Lilly telling Mia that I was sexually harassing her and she just didn't notice. Thanks a lot Lilly, I really needed that. Yep, that's my sister. I call it flirting, and she calls it sexual harassment. Might I add this is the woman that tortures her stalker. I'm too frustrated to write any more. 'Till next time.
Things to do:
1.) Stop thinking about Mia
2.) Torture Lilly more
3.) Work on 'Crackhead'
4.) Help Maya make supper
Friday, September 26
Today in G & T (gifted and talented, also the only class Mia and I have together because she's a freshman and I'm a senior) I was supposed to be working on 'Crackhead', my online webzine, when all I did was typed some random stuff, then delete it all and re-type it, looking like I was busy. I was just watching Mia's reflection on the computer screen. I've heard her say that she thinks she has, and I quote, yield sign hair, but I think it's very pretty, very different from the women that I've met before. I swear she has some kind of inferiority complex. Ha! I just realized this book was given to me to write down my thoughts, and it's all about Mia. Yep, that's about all I think of.
Things I think of during the day:
- Mia
- Creative ways to torture Lilly
- Mia
- Creative ways to walk into Lilly's room when Mia's over, shirtless (me, not Lilly or Mia)
- Mia
- What it would be like to kiss Mia
- Mia
- Buffy
- Mia
- Xena
- Mia
- Some way to kill Josh Ricter without being caught
- Mia
- 'Crackhead'
- Mia
- Sex (I'm a teenage guy!)
- Mia
- Sex with Mia
Saturday, September 27
Today Mia and Lilly are going out to film something Lilly calls, The Green Witch Project, for her TV show, Lilly Tells It Like It Is. It's supposed to be a spoof of The Blair Witch Project. The Blair Witch Proj. was a documentary style movie where a bunch of students go looking for the legendary Blair witch and get turned into a pile of sticks. What Lilly (and Mia) is (are) doing is standing around a corner, and when tourists come up to them and ask them where the Greenwich village is, they'll run away screaming. It's actually pronounced Gren-itch village, but tourists always get it wrong. And then when their done all that's going to be left is a pile of metro cards. Lilly says now no one will look at metro cards the same way. My sister is stranger then I am.
Things to do:
-Find and hide Lilly's camera
-Walk/feed/brush/talk to Pavlov
-Thank Maya again for helping me with my geography homework, and help her make supper
-Stop thinking about Mia
-Take out trash
-Clean room
-Work on 'Tall Drink Of Water'
Sunday, September 28
Today I slept in so late Mom and Dad were worried that I had contracted something from my less then sanitary school, Albert Einstein Private school. I decided to just stay inside today and live in my room until it's time for school. I'm depressed. I need morphine.
Monday, September 29
Mia was writing in her diary in G & T again today, which is kind of ironic. I mean she and I both have diaries (never mind the stupid 'journal' crap), but she has the guts to write in it AT SCHOOL. I on the other hand don't even take this diary to school. Hell, I don't even take it out of my room, lest Lilly find it, and I know all too well what she'd do if she found it. But I stated that in other entries so no point in restating it. Anyway, I'll tell more about my family, since I want to waste space because Dad said that once this was filled I never had to write in another one. Thank you god. My parents are psychoanalysts and my sister is a genius with a local cable show that only reaches about 12 people, myself and Mia included. It's called 'Lilly Tells It Like It Is' and I think is mainly to torture Lilly's stalker, who has a fetish about her feet.
Overall I'm proud of my little sister. She picked a fight with Whiny (Lana) and would have beaten the stuffing outta her if the stupid jerk-off jock named Josh hadn't interrupted. Oh well, better luck next time Lil'.
I have a dog named Pavlov, after the psychologist, and we have a maid named Maya. She's really good at geography and her son is imprisoned in her home country.
That's about it. I think I might start another diary when this one is over. I kind of like having somewhere to vent.
Tuesday, September 30
Ah Mia... She's so cute. Today in G & T she was all spaced out and when Lilly talked to her, it was like she was in her own little world. I wish I could be there with her. AUGH! I've officially become obsessed. But I can't help it. The only person who knows about my crush is Pavlov, who is more a person to me then a lot of people, such as Josh "My personality is in my other pants, but I have some condoms" Richter. I hate him. A lot. I hope ravenous dogs tear out various (important) parts of his anatomy. Slowly. Yes my book of thoughts, I'm viciously hatred and jealousy prone to Ol' JR. Not because of his staggering IQ or his buff body (I posses both of them in abundance), no, because he holds a sweet and darling woman's heart in his calloused, dirty-under-the-fingernails hands and doesn't realize it, or more likely doesn't care. What a stupid bastard.
Wednesday, October 1
Today in G & T I got to stick my nose in Mia's hair when we were leaving. I know I'm obsessed, but her hair smells so delicious, like ripe peaches. It's sweet and poignant, just like Mia. She can rip some very powerful emotions from me, even though Lilly says I deadpan and act emotionless to hide my true thoughts and feelings because I have a fear that other people won't care about them. Yeah Lilly, and I'm going hitch-hike to Toronto and jump off the CN tower next week. Jesus.
Thursday, October 2
I would give up meat for Mia. I would move to Antarctica. I would fly. But does she notice? No! Yes diary, one might think it'd be enough for me to walk around shirtless and make up excuses to touch her and hang out with my ever annoying sister just to hang out with her, but no.
I think maybe the next step is tattooing to my forehead "I LOVE MIA". I have a feeling that would verge on desperate though. I would ask for forgiveness from you diary, but considering I'm already addressing you as if you were an actual deity, I think I've verged on insanity enough for this entry. But the reason I would ask forgiveness for my foul mood is because I've had some very disturbing dreams lately and it has caused a lack of sleep for me. And I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my Mia situation. (Or lack thereof.)
More later.
Reason's I can never be with Mia:
- She's a freshman and that would be robbing the cradle (in some moral eyes)
- She's Lilly's best friend, and has been for the majority of both their lives
- Mia has this strange obsession with Josh "I think with my zipper or my ego" Richter
Reason's I shouldn't be in love With Mia:
-
-
-
-
-
(more later diary, under my bed you go)
After school, still Thursday
Well I'm still blank for ideas on why I shouldn't be in love with Mia, but I have slightly more pressing issues at hand.
LILLY READ MY DIARY!
She says there's nothing in it that she hasn't heard before. I'm about ready to strangle her. I wonder if the courts would convict me if I explained why I did it. I wonder if I could do it without being caught.
Too distressed to write more.
Friday, October 3
After getting over the initial shock of learning Lilly read my diary (which took some time and pounding of pillows) and having a rather long and terrifying conversation with her, I have discovered a few things.
- Lilly has known (or at least strongly believed) that I am in love with Mia since she read my article in Crackhead about teen's high school relationships and how only 45% of them last after high school -She hasn't told Mia because she fears that if she gets into a relationship before she is fully self actualized it could affect her later on in her life. Plus I'm her brother and she wouldn't want to betray me, even to her best friend lest I become psychopathic. -She swears if I tell anyone that she likes Boris the Annoying (my title, not hers) from G & T she'll use her cable show to tell the world that I'm in love with her best friend. -She, contrary to my belief, has no desire to do an expose on the male psyche as it is "Obviously merely clogged with primitive sexual desires and mindless blather, as you have so rightfully proven." Still, she says she will do it if I say anything about Boris.
But most Importantly:
Lilly regrets breaching my privacy, and swears that she will never do it again on pain of torture. Though, she has been known to "forget" sometimes.
I am a good deal calmer then I was before. Actually, that's a lie. I'm still freaking out, but not as much. Or at least in a different way.
I will write more later, but I must go get ready for school.
Friday, October 3, 5:56 pm
So it appears Lilly is having Mia over tonight. I can tell Lilly's worried about her, because when Lilly worries about someone her lips press together until the skin around them turns white and her eyes scrunch up and you can just tell she's psychoanalyzing you in her head. Maya just went out to the store to get vegetarian lasagna for Mia, and she told me to watch them so they don't get into trouble. Yeah, right. Like I could stop them from getting into trouble. It seems that Maya is having a selective memory about certain things. Like my previous 'bouts with rebelliousness and some rather interesting experiments with watermelons and the gravity of the world. I should probably clarify. Tonight Maya is going home at 6:00 and Mom and Dad are out at the Puck Building for another of their obscure benefits, which leaves me as oldest being and thereby, most responsible. At least to Maya. I, fortunately, have other things to do then obsess over Mia. Besides, why do I need to watch them when all they're talking about is the James Bond Marathon they're starting? I heard popcorn popping in the microwave and I noticed Lilly had gotten an entire stick of butter, salt shaker and our biggest bowl out, so I figure they're going to be occupied for a while, which is good for me. I have to get cracking on my webzine's next article. I'm not sure what it should be about, so I'm probably going to end up surfing the net or answering fan mail until I'm inspired.
That's enough for tonight. I'm going to an Astrophysics' lecture tomorrow, which should be awesome!
Saturday, October 4, 6:45 am
Last night was interesting. Just about the second I got offline the phone rang and it was Mia's dad (who last time I checked was ruling some town in Europe) sounding really pissed off. I have to admit that was kind of irritating, I wanted to get some sleep. But when I went into Mom and Dad's room (where Lilly and Mia were having their Movie-a-thon) and told Mia that her dad was on the phone, she looked pretty sick. I took the hint and covered for her, telling Mr. Renaldo that "I'm sorry, Lilly and Mia have gone to bed." I wondered if he would buy it, since I know for a fact when Mia comes over she rarely goes to sleep before the wee hours of morning... But I guess he doesn't know his daughter that well, since he just apologized for calling so late, said he'd talk to Mia in the morning and hung up. Okay, I admit my weakness. Mia in a bed (any bed, even my parent's bed with Lilly beside her) was a little too tempting for me to resist. Plus Mia really looked unhappy so I called Pavlov in, an action I know I'll catch crap from my parents for, but it was worth it to see her smile. Then I sat down and joined them. Of course Lilly couldn't just let me enjoy being around Mia, she had to taunt me. "Michael, in the interest of science, which is more attractive to you, the blonde Bond girls who always need to be rescued or the brunettes who pull guns on him?"
The brunettes of course. I can't resist a woman with a weapon. On that note, I gently steered the conversation towards all three of our favourite heroines, Buffy, the vampire slayer and Xena, warrior princess. Then Mia asked me a really weird question, if it were the end of the world and I had to repopulate with Xena or Buffy, who would it be? I let her know how odd she is and the of course said Buffy. Duh, as hot as Xena is, didn't you ever notice that she usually ends up killing the guys she sleeps with? Plus she's slept with just about every war lord across the world, can you imagine the kinds of STDs she would have picked up? Despite my best efforts however, the who would you chose game went as follows.
Mia: Harrison Ford vs. George Clooney, Harrison Ford (a la Indiana Jones, not Star Wars)
Lilly : Same question, Harrison Ford a la Jack Ryan from the Tom Clancy movies.
Okay, so here's where I get kind of sneaky.
I ask, Harrison Ford or Leonardo Di Caprio?
They both chose Good Ol' Harry (Leo is so passé)
Then I ask, Harrison Ford or Josh Richter? (I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.)
Lilly: Harrison Ford, because he used to be a carpenter and he could build a house.
Mia: Josh Richter (DAMMIT!) because Harrison Ford is like, sixty, and Josh would be able to give a hand with the kids.
I have to admit that peeved me off a little, and I couldn't help but rant a little about how Josh Mia-likes-me-and-I'm-a-idiot Richter would probably pee his pants if he had to face nuclear Armageddon, and of course my dear sweet sister had to pipe up about how fear of new things is not an accurate measure of one's potential for growth, and I agreed. I did let them both know that they were idiots if they thought that Josh would give them the time of day, because he only likes girls like Lana Whine-Berger who put out. To which Lilly shocked me by saying that she would put out for Josh, provided he basically washed in bleach and wrapped his unit in saran 100 times.
However, this did give me the chance to ask if Mia would put out for Josh. I swear, my heart stopped beating as she paused for the answer. It's scary to think if she said yes. I mean, not that he would ever hit on her (because thankfully, he's got the IQ of a lima bean) but because that would mean that she likes guys like him. Do I really have to be like him to date Mia? I hope not, because although regular sex would be nice, I don't think I could ever treat Mia like the piece of meat that Josh treats Lana. Mia ended up saying she would, under these conditions.
They'd been dating for at least a year. (I could wait a year.) He'd pledged his undying love for her. (Done and done.) He took her to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway and didn't make fun of it. (What?)
I told her that the first two sounded okay, but the third was kind of ridiculous, and if that was a criteria for a boyfriend, she'd be a virgin for a very long time. I can't think of anyone (least of all JR) who can watch Beauty and the Beast without projectile vomiting. Then Lilly hits me with the most absurd question of who would I chose if I had to, Lana or Mia. The answer was simple. "Mia, of course." Then she kept asking me, who would it be, Mia or Madonna? (Mia) Mia or Buffy? (Buffy. Sorry Mia, but it's BUFFY!)
Then Lilly, my own sister, who know my deep dark longing for her best friend goes and asks Mia this.
Michael or Josh?
I'm shocked! I'm appalled! I have to know!
Alas, at that moment, my parents came in and yelled at us for having popcorn all over the bed and letting Pavlov in. So I went to bed with the question burning in my mind, Michael or Josh and Mia's face behind my eyelids.
I hope the Astrophysics lecture is all it's cracked up to be.
Saturday, October 4, 7:53 pm
It wasn't.
Saturday, October 4, 8:06 pm
Well Lilly wasted no time this afternoon (after Mom and Dad had stopped analyzing her need to torment her stalker, Norman) telling me that Mia had chosen Josh over me in the privacy of her bedroom and to stop lusting over her friend because it was obviously hopeless if she'd chose someone like Josh over someone like me... Now that I look at it, she's almost complimenting me. But no, my hurt heart is overshadowing all else.
Reasons I shouldn't be in love with Mia:
- She chose Josh Richter over me.
- She's highly unattainable, being both a freshman, and my sisters best friend.
- She hates people eating meat, and sometimes I just need a big juicy steak, no matter how many rainforests they cut down to create the feeding grounds, or how the amount of grain they feed to the cows in a month, if fed directly to a person could feed an entire African village for a month...
-
-
Note to self: Next Crackhead article on carnivores vs. herbivores, what would happen if the whole world reverted to one or the other.
Saturday, October 4, 9:15 pm
Speak of the devil! Mia's online and IMing me.
CracKing: What do you want, Thermopolis? (I admit, I'm bitter.)
FtLouie: I want to talk to Lilly, please go off-line so I can call her.
Yeah right. Like I'm going to cater to her I-prefer-an-idiot-to-you self.
CracKing: What do you want to talk to her about?
FtLouie: None of your business. Just go off-line, please. You can't
hog all the lines of communication to yourself. It isn't fair.
You know what isn't fair? Loving a girl who doesn't love you back.
CracKing: No one ever said life was fair, Thermopolis. What are you
doing home, anyway? What's the matter? Dreamboy didn't call?
FtLouie: Who's Dreamboy?
Who's Dreamboy. Pah! She breaks my heart and doesn't even bother to remember why? I think I'll remind her.
CracKing: You know, your post nuclear Armageddon life-mate choice, Josh Richter.
FtLouie: Would you please go off-line so I can call Lilly????
CracKing: What's the matter, Thermopolis? Did I strike a nerve?
Okay, she logged off. Fine... Damn, I just read over what I said and... Well I kind of sound like a jerk. I guess I'll be a nice guy and tell Lilly to call Mia. After I finish my Crackhead article. Besides, Lilly's so down about Mom and Dad telling her that she can't do her Feet Episode of Lilly Tells It Like It Is
Sunday, October 5
To do:
-Take out trash
-Get Maya to help with Geography homework
-Walk/feed Pavlov
-Stop thinking about Mia
-Sabotage Lilly's camera
-Work on 'Tall Drink of Water'
-Sleep
-Stop thinking about Mia
-CRACKHEAD ARTICLE!!!
Prince Diaries
Tuesday, September 23
There are days when I wonder about my parent's sanity. Yes, it's true that they're psychoanalysts but there are days when I wonder why they don't psychoanalyze each other when Lilly (my sister) and I are asleep. Why you ask? Well technically you can't ask because 'you' are really a diary. And that's why I wonder if my parent's are completely insane. Mom and Dad are making me write in a diary. Dad says I can call it a journal if it helps with the whole male ego thing, but I would still know it's a diary, so why bother calling it something that it's not? They say it would be good for me, since I never tell them anything, nor do I tell Lilly. I tell Pavlov, my dog... Sometimes. But then I start to question if it's really sane for me to talk to an animal. There are days when I think talking to animals is easier then talking to humans. Take Mia for instance. Mia is Lilly's best friend. She is the source of every problem in my life so far. Well not every problem but pretty close to it. The problem with Mia is that I'm in love with her. She doesn't realize it, even though I do stuff like walk around her with no shirt on and tease her more then Lilly. It really sucks. Well, Lilly's calling me for dinner so I'm going to hide this...book under my bed, work on my web-zine Crackhead, and write in here tomorrow night.
Reasons I love Mia:
1.) She's smart.
2.) She's funny.
3.) She puts up with Lilly's crap everyday and still is friends with her.
4.) She's near the same height as me so if I were to kiss her I wouldn't need to bend in half, like I have for the few other girls I've kissed.
5.) She has beautiful gray eyes.
6.) Whenever she's gone I miss her a lot.
7.) She smells like peaches and I love peaches.
8.) She has this way of rambling on then switching the subject for no apparent reason that for some reason makes me melt inside.
Wednesday, September 24
Lilly says she thinks Mia is having a breakdown, but when I asked her why she told me to go away. (Actually she said something a bit more colourful, but that's not polite to write) So today I'm just going to write about Mia. Mia. Amelia. Amelia Thermopolis. God I love her name, just writing it makes me quiver inside. Oh God. I sound like one of the cheerleaders talking about the first time they screwed--er-- kissed a jock. I want to kiss Mia. DAMMIT! I can't get her out of my mind! I'm going insane, and I'm writing it all down in a diary/journal that could very well be found by Lilly and read on live TV on her show Lilly Tells It Like It Is as a special on the male adolescent's psyche. Shit, here comes Lilly. Under the bed you go. I'll write more later.
Later on Wednesday
I could never be with Mia. That makes me depressed. I have no courage to tell her how I feel, and no way would she feel the same way. She likes pretty (stupid) guys like Josh Rickter. I don't get her. To tired to write any more.
Things to do:
1.) Stop thinking about Mia.
2.) Stop torturing Lilly.
3.) Stop setting impossible tasks for yourself.
4.) Make sure to thank Maya for helping me with my geography homework
5.) Feed/walk Pavlov.
Thursday, September 25
Today I learned, by the wonders of overhearing, that Mia's mom is dating Mr Gianini. Sweet, lovable, and very conservative Mr Gianini, the algebra teacher, dating wild, funky, and, sad to admit, sexy Miss Thermopolis? Ha! I'm laughing even as I write this. I laughed when I learned it too, but I think Mia was really upset. She asked me not to tell anyone, and the temptation was more then I could resist. So I kept asking her "What are ya gonna do for me, huh Thermopolis?" She didn't get it. As much as I love Mia, she can be kind of dense sometimes. She kept on offering me to do stuff for me like walk Pavlov, or clean my room. I got kind of sick of listening to her offer stuff like that so I left. I heard Lilly telling Mia that I was sexually harassing her and she just didn't notice. Thanks a lot Lilly, I really needed that. Yep, that's my sister. I call it flirting, and she calls it sexual harassment. Might I add this is the woman that tortures her stalker. I'm too frustrated to write any more. 'Till next time.
Things to do:
1.) Stop thinking about Mia
2.) Torture Lilly more
3.) Work on 'Crackhead'
4.) Help Maya make supper
Friday, September 26
Today in G & T (gifted and talented, also the only class Mia and I have together because she's a freshman and I'm a senior) I was supposed to be working on 'Crackhead', my online webzine, when all I did was typed some random stuff, then delete it all and re-type it, looking like I was busy. I was just watching Mia's reflection on the computer screen. I've heard her say that she thinks she has, and I quote, yield sign hair, but I think it's very pretty, very different from the women that I've met before. I swear she has some kind of inferiority complex. Ha! I just realized this book was given to me to write down my thoughts, and it's all about Mia. Yep, that's about all I think of.
Things I think of during the day:
- Mia
- Creative ways to torture Lilly
- Mia
- Creative ways to walk into Lilly's room when Mia's over, shirtless (me, not Lilly or Mia)
- Mia
- What it would be like to kiss Mia
- Mia
- Buffy
- Mia
- Xena
- Mia
- Some way to kill Josh Ricter without being caught
- Mia
- 'Crackhead'
- Mia
- Sex (I'm a teenage guy!)
- Mia
- Sex with Mia
Saturday, September 27
Today Mia and Lilly are going out to film something Lilly calls, The Green Witch Project, for her TV show, Lilly Tells It Like It Is. It's supposed to be a spoof of The Blair Witch Project. The Blair Witch Proj. was a documentary style movie where a bunch of students go looking for the legendary Blair witch and get turned into a pile of sticks. What Lilly (and Mia) is (are) doing is standing around a corner, and when tourists come up to them and ask them where the Greenwich village is, they'll run away screaming. It's actually pronounced Gren-itch village, but tourists always get it wrong. And then when their done all that's going to be left is a pile of metro cards. Lilly says now no one will look at metro cards the same way. My sister is stranger then I am.
Things to do:
-Find and hide Lilly's camera
-Walk/feed/brush/talk to Pavlov
-Thank Maya again for helping me with my geography homework, and help her make supper
-Stop thinking about Mia
-Take out trash
-Clean room
-Work on 'Tall Drink Of Water'
Sunday, September 28
Today I slept in so late Mom and Dad were worried that I had contracted something from my less then sanitary school, Albert Einstein Private school. I decided to just stay inside today and live in my room until it's time for school. I'm depressed. I need morphine.
Monday, September 29
Mia was writing in her diary in G & T again today, which is kind of ironic. I mean she and I both have diaries (never mind the stupid 'journal' crap), but she has the guts to write in it AT SCHOOL. I on the other hand don't even take this diary to school. Hell, I don't even take it out of my room, lest Lilly find it, and I know all too well what she'd do if she found it. But I stated that in other entries so no point in restating it. Anyway, I'll tell more about my family, since I want to waste space because Dad said that once this was filled I never had to write in another one. Thank you god. My parents are psychoanalysts and my sister is a genius with a local cable show that only reaches about 12 people, myself and Mia included. It's called 'Lilly Tells It Like It Is' and I think is mainly to torture Lilly's stalker, who has a fetish about her feet.
Overall I'm proud of my little sister. She picked a fight with Whiny (Lana) and would have beaten the stuffing outta her if the stupid jerk-off jock named Josh hadn't interrupted. Oh well, better luck next time Lil'.
I have a dog named Pavlov, after the psychologist, and we have a maid named Maya. She's really good at geography and her son is imprisoned in her home country.
That's about it. I think I might start another diary when this one is over. I kind of like having somewhere to vent.
Tuesday, September 30
Ah Mia... She's so cute. Today in G & T she was all spaced out and when Lilly talked to her, it was like she was in her own little world. I wish I could be there with her. AUGH! I've officially become obsessed. But I can't help it. The only person who knows about my crush is Pavlov, who is more a person to me then a lot of people, such as Josh "My personality is in my other pants, but I have some condoms" Richter. I hate him. A lot. I hope ravenous dogs tear out various (important) parts of his anatomy. Slowly. Yes my book of thoughts, I'm viciously hatred and jealousy prone to Ol' JR. Not because of his staggering IQ or his buff body (I posses both of them in abundance), no, because he holds a sweet and darling woman's heart in his calloused, dirty-under-the-fingernails hands and doesn't realize it, or more likely doesn't care. What a stupid bastard.
Wednesday, October 1
Today in G & T I got to stick my nose in Mia's hair when we were leaving. I know I'm obsessed, but her hair smells so delicious, like ripe peaches. It's sweet and poignant, just like Mia. She can rip some very powerful emotions from me, even though Lilly says I deadpan and act emotionless to hide my true thoughts and feelings because I have a fear that other people won't care about them. Yeah Lilly, and I'm going hitch-hike to Toronto and jump off the CN tower next week. Jesus.
Thursday, October 2
I would give up meat for Mia. I would move to Antarctica. I would fly. But does she notice? No! Yes diary, one might think it'd be enough for me to walk around shirtless and make up excuses to touch her and hang out with my ever annoying sister just to hang out with her, but no.
I think maybe the next step is tattooing to my forehead "I LOVE MIA". I have a feeling that would verge on desperate though. I would ask for forgiveness from you diary, but considering I'm already addressing you as if you were an actual deity, I think I've verged on insanity enough for this entry. But the reason I would ask forgiveness for my foul mood is because I've had some very disturbing dreams lately and it has caused a lack of sleep for me. And I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my Mia situation. (Or lack thereof.)
More later.
Reason's I can never be with Mia:
- She's a freshman and that would be robbing the cradle (in some moral eyes)
- She's Lilly's best friend, and has been for the majority of both their lives
- Mia has this strange obsession with Josh "I think with my zipper or my ego" Richter
Reason's I shouldn't be in love With Mia:
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(more later diary, under my bed you go)
After school, still Thursday
Well I'm still blank for ideas on why I shouldn't be in love with Mia, but I have slightly more pressing issues at hand.
LILLY READ MY DIARY!
She says there's nothing in it that she hasn't heard before. I'm about ready to strangle her. I wonder if the courts would convict me if I explained why I did it. I wonder if I could do it without being caught.
Too distressed to write more.
Friday, October 3
After getting over the initial shock of learning Lilly read my diary (which took some time and pounding of pillows) and having a rather long and terrifying conversation with her, I have discovered a few things.
- Lilly has known (or at least strongly believed) that I am in love with Mia since she read my article in Crackhead about teen's high school relationships and how only 45% of them last after high school -She hasn't told Mia because she fears that if she gets into a relationship before she is fully self actualized it could affect her later on in her life. Plus I'm her brother and she wouldn't want to betray me, even to her best friend lest I become psychopathic. -She swears if I tell anyone that she likes Boris the Annoying (my title, not hers) from G & T she'll use her cable show to tell the world that I'm in love with her best friend. -She, contrary to my belief, has no desire to do an expose on the male psyche as it is "Obviously merely clogged with primitive sexual desires and mindless blather, as you have so rightfully proven." Still, she says she will do it if I say anything about Boris.
But most Importantly:
Lilly regrets breaching my privacy, and swears that she will never do it again on pain of torture. Though, she has been known to "forget" sometimes.
I am a good deal calmer then I was before. Actually, that's a lie. I'm still freaking out, but not as much. Or at least in a different way.
I will write more later, but I must go get ready for school.
Friday, October 3, 5:56 pm
So it appears Lilly is having Mia over tonight. I can tell Lilly's worried about her, because when Lilly worries about someone her lips press together until the skin around them turns white and her eyes scrunch up and you can just tell she's psychoanalyzing you in her head. Maya just went out to the store to get vegetarian lasagna for Mia, and she told me to watch them so they don't get into trouble. Yeah, right. Like I could stop them from getting into trouble. It seems that Maya is having a selective memory about certain things. Like my previous 'bouts with rebelliousness and some rather interesting experiments with watermelons and the gravity of the world. I should probably clarify. Tonight Maya is going home at 6:00 and Mom and Dad are out at the Puck Building for another of their obscure benefits, which leaves me as oldest being and thereby, most responsible. At least to Maya. I, fortunately, have other things to do then obsess over Mia. Besides, why do I need to watch them when all they're talking about is the James Bond Marathon they're starting? I heard popcorn popping in the microwave and I noticed Lilly had gotten an entire stick of butter, salt shaker and our biggest bowl out, so I figure they're going to be occupied for a while, which is good for me. I have to get cracking on my webzine's next article. I'm not sure what it should be about, so I'm probably going to end up surfing the net or answering fan mail until I'm inspired.
That's enough for tonight. I'm going to an Astrophysics' lecture tomorrow, which should be awesome!
Saturday, October 4, 6:45 am
Last night was interesting. Just about the second I got offline the phone rang and it was Mia's dad (who last time I checked was ruling some town in Europe) sounding really pissed off. I have to admit that was kind of irritating, I wanted to get some sleep. But when I went into Mom and Dad's room (where Lilly and Mia were having their Movie-a-thon) and told Mia that her dad was on the phone, she looked pretty sick. I took the hint and covered for her, telling Mr. Renaldo that "I'm sorry, Lilly and Mia have gone to bed." I wondered if he would buy it, since I know for a fact when Mia comes over she rarely goes to sleep before the wee hours of morning... But I guess he doesn't know his daughter that well, since he just apologized for calling so late, said he'd talk to Mia in the morning and hung up. Okay, I admit my weakness. Mia in a bed (any bed, even my parent's bed with Lilly beside her) was a little too tempting for me to resist. Plus Mia really looked unhappy so I called Pavlov in, an action I know I'll catch crap from my parents for, but it was worth it to see her smile. Then I sat down and joined them. Of course Lilly couldn't just let me enjoy being around Mia, she had to taunt me. "Michael, in the interest of science, which is more attractive to you, the blonde Bond girls who always need to be rescued or the brunettes who pull guns on him?"
The brunettes of course. I can't resist a woman with a weapon. On that note, I gently steered the conversation towards all three of our favourite heroines, Buffy, the vampire slayer and Xena, warrior princess. Then Mia asked me a really weird question, if it were the end of the world and I had to repopulate with Xena or Buffy, who would it be? I let her know how odd she is and the of course said Buffy. Duh, as hot as Xena is, didn't you ever notice that she usually ends up killing the guys she sleeps with? Plus she's slept with just about every war lord across the world, can you imagine the kinds of STDs she would have picked up? Despite my best efforts however, the who would you chose game went as follows.
Mia: Harrison Ford vs. George Clooney, Harrison Ford (a la Indiana Jones, not Star Wars)
Lilly : Same question, Harrison Ford a la Jack Ryan from the Tom Clancy movies.
Okay, so here's where I get kind of sneaky.
I ask, Harrison Ford or Leonardo Di Caprio?
They both chose Good Ol' Harry (Leo is so passé)
Then I ask, Harrison Ford or Josh Richter? (I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.)
Lilly: Harrison Ford, because he used to be a carpenter and he could build a house.
Mia: Josh Richter (DAMMIT!) because Harrison Ford is like, sixty, and Josh would be able to give a hand with the kids.
I have to admit that peeved me off a little, and I couldn't help but rant a little about how Josh Mia-likes-me-and-I'm-a-idiot Richter would probably pee his pants if he had to face nuclear Armageddon, and of course my dear sweet sister had to pipe up about how fear of new things is not an accurate measure of one's potential for growth, and I agreed. I did let them both know that they were idiots if they thought that Josh would give them the time of day, because he only likes girls like Lana Whine-Berger who put out. To which Lilly shocked me by saying that she would put out for Josh, provided he basically washed in bleach and wrapped his unit in saran 100 times.
However, this did give me the chance to ask if Mia would put out for Josh. I swear, my heart stopped beating as she paused for the answer. It's scary to think if she said yes. I mean, not that he would ever hit on her (because thankfully, he's got the IQ of a lima bean) but because that would mean that she likes guys like him. Do I really have to be like him to date Mia? I hope not, because although regular sex would be nice, I don't think I could ever treat Mia like the piece of meat that Josh treats Lana. Mia ended up saying she would, under these conditions.
They'd been dating for at least a year. (I could wait a year.) He'd pledged his undying love for her. (Done and done.) He took her to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway and didn't make fun of it. (What?)
I told her that the first two sounded okay, but the third was kind of ridiculous, and if that was a criteria for a boyfriend, she'd be a virgin for a very long time. I can't think of anyone (least of all JR) who can watch Beauty and the Beast without projectile vomiting. Then Lilly hits me with the most absurd question of who would I chose if I had to, Lana or Mia. The answer was simple. "Mia, of course." Then she kept asking me, who would it be, Mia or Madonna? (Mia) Mia or Buffy? (Buffy. Sorry Mia, but it's BUFFY!)
Then Lilly, my own sister, who know my deep dark longing for her best friend goes and asks Mia this.
Michael or Josh?
I'm shocked! I'm appalled! I have to know!
Alas, at that moment, my parents came in and yelled at us for having popcorn all over the bed and letting Pavlov in. So I went to bed with the question burning in my mind, Michael or Josh and Mia's face behind my eyelids.
I hope the Astrophysics lecture is all it's cracked up to be.
Saturday, October 4, 7:53 pm
It wasn't.
Saturday, October 4, 8:06 pm
Well Lilly wasted no time this afternoon (after Mom and Dad had stopped analyzing her need to torment her stalker, Norman) telling me that Mia had chosen Josh over me in the privacy of her bedroom and to stop lusting over her friend because it was obviously hopeless if she'd chose someone like Josh over someone like me... Now that I look at it, she's almost complimenting me. But no, my hurt heart is overshadowing all else.
Reasons I shouldn't be in love with Mia:
- She chose Josh Richter over me.
- She's highly unattainable, being both a freshman, and my sisters best friend.
- She hates people eating meat, and sometimes I just need a big juicy steak, no matter how many rainforests they cut down to create the feeding grounds, or how the amount of grain they feed to the cows in a month, if fed directly to a person could feed an entire African village for a month...
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Note to self: Next Crackhead article on carnivores vs. herbivores, what would happen if the whole world reverted to one or the other.
Saturday, October 4, 9:15 pm
Speak of the devil! Mia's online and IMing me.
CracKing: What do you want, Thermopolis? (I admit, I'm bitter.)
FtLouie: I want to talk to Lilly, please go off-line so I can call her.
Yeah right. Like I'm going to cater to her I-prefer-an-idiot-to-you self.
CracKing: What do you want to talk to her about?
FtLouie: None of your business. Just go off-line, please. You can't
hog all the lines of communication to yourself. It isn't fair.
You know what isn't fair? Loving a girl who doesn't love you back.
CracKing: No one ever said life was fair, Thermopolis. What are you
doing home, anyway? What's the matter? Dreamboy didn't call?
FtLouie: Who's Dreamboy?
Who's Dreamboy. Pah! She breaks my heart and doesn't even bother to remember why? I think I'll remind her.
CracKing: You know, your post nuclear Armageddon life-mate choice, Josh Richter.
FtLouie: Would you please go off-line so I can call Lilly????
CracKing: What's the matter, Thermopolis? Did I strike a nerve?
Okay, she logged off. Fine... Damn, I just read over what I said and... Well I kind of sound like a jerk. I guess I'll be a nice guy and tell Lilly to call Mia. After I finish my Crackhead article. Besides, Lilly's so down about Mom and Dad telling her that she can't do her Feet Episode of Lilly Tells It Like It Is
Sunday, October 5
To do:
-Take out trash
-Get Maya to help with Geography homework
-Walk/feed Pavlov
-Stop thinking about Mia
-Sabotage Lilly's camera
-Work on 'Tall Drink of Water'
-Sleep
-Stop thinking about Mia
-CRACKHEAD ARTICLE!!!