The Author has but one warning for ye, Reader: and that is crack. Yes, I can write it. Who'da thunk?

i.

It was a brilliant idea. Loki wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of it before. He had noticed the Midgardian creatures called cats before, wondered briefly whether or not they were intelligent, and then ignored them.

Not anymore. He had realized the massive cleverness of the creatures—even if they were of Midgardian origin—and decided that one would make a companion suitable for his purposes. Of course, he wouldn't settle for a mere Midgardian cat, he wanted something a little more special.

And he had found it. This cat was stronger and sleeker than Midgardian cats, with a markedly intelligent face and a pair of watchful eyes. Also, its fur was a very dark green, the same as Loki's cloak. It matched him perfectly. The only thing he had trouble with were the eyes, which seemed to be constantly warping between colors.

How had Loki gotten himself a cat? Well, he had managed to persuade Thor, and the Asgardian had unwittingly given Loki a tool of havoc. There wouldn't be a deed regretted more.

Loki set his new pet down on the balcony steps in his chambers, stroking its smooth green fur, so dark it was almost shining.

"You are mine," he purred.

The cat's eyes solidified, maintaining an icy blue identical to Loki's. It looked over at him, its expression bored.

"Thor neglected to inform me that I was hooking up with a diva," a dry voice said in the Trickster God's head.

Loki blinked. "What?"

ii.

Thor entered Loki's prison chambers, thinking it was time he visited his errant brother.

"Thor!" Loki cried. "Thank whatever deity that is more powerful than us that you've come!"

"Uh, that might be the 'God' person Captain Rogers refers to," Thor said, puzzled by Loki's frantic greeting. His little brother's appearance was disheveled, and Thor was fairly certain that he could smell smoke. "What is the problem?"

"The—problem?" Loki hissed disbelievingly. "The problem, my dear Thor, is the pet you gave me!"

"Oh, the cat?" Thor asked.

"YES! The CAT! The #&!)$)!$)&%!_!_*&$^&!#$$ CAT!"

Thor blinked at him. "I didn't know we had a curseword that long," he said.

"We do now," Loki growled.

"I'm pretty sure that was all just made up."

"Shut up, Thor. Just shut up."

"What's wrong with the cat?" Thor wondered. He gestured to it, sitting demurely in front of one of the various pillars in the room. "I thought it was a rather nice choice—he even matches your outfit."

"Thor, his tone, his attitude—it's as though that accursed Tony Stark has moved into my brain!"

The cat blinked mellowly and licked its paw, beginning its oft-repeated cleaning ritual.

Then Thor noticed the scorch marks. "Loki, where did you get explosives?" he demanded.

"Who cares where I got them, the point is that I have used them all up trying to kill the cat!" Loki wailed. "Nothing has worked! Nothing! This cat is invincible!"

"Not invincible, just durable," Thor replied. "I thought that due to your longevity, you would appreciate a companion with a lifespan that matches."

"You mean… one that…" Loki slowly turned and stared at the cat. "…doesn't end," he whimpered.

"Yes, and the marvel with these cats is that they are even tougher than Asgardians are! Extraordinary, isn't it?"

"Yes," Loki mumbled. "Extraordinary." He winced, as though someone unheard had said something that caused him pain.

He pointed a finger at the cat, his eyes narrowed in a venomous glare. "I will kill you," he swore.

The cat, Thor was certain, smirked in reply.

iii.

Thor jerked to a halt. Loki's new cat was fully encased in a block of ice. Loki stood in front of it, watching it with a patient smile.

"Loki…" Thor said slowly. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the cat to suffocate," Loki replied cheerfully.

"I see." He looked at the cat, suspended in the air by four feet of ice below it, then over at Loki. "So how's that going?"

Loki's smile waned. "He hasn't stopped snarking yet."

iv.

"So, Goldiloki," the cat said one day.

Loki glared at it. "My name is Loki," he growled.

"Goldilocki's more fun to think," the cat responded.

"I am not golden."

"You are whenever you put that fancy space-lightning rod on your head."

Loki's mouth dropped open. "It's not a—have you no respect for ceremonial dress? For battle armor?"

"Nuh-uh. You Asgardians do have a penchant for looking primitively ridiculous." The cat yawned, its startlingly pink tongue curling into its mouth. "Oh well. I suppose something's got to keep me entertained. Got to hand it to you though, Goldiloki, you certainly provide a lot in that department. Melodramatic and all, you know."

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound whenever you call me that?"

"Do you have any idea how stupid you look when you put that helmet on?"

Loki scowled at his cat. "Right, that's it," he said, standing up abruptly.

"What are you going to do, toss me down The Destroyer's throat again?" The cat yawned a second time, tail lazily stroking the floor. "That didn't exactly work last time."

"Nope," said Loki. He walked around behind the cat and kicked it, sending it sailing out the window.

"You know this can't possibly work," the cat pointed out as it gained altitude.

"No, but it still makes me feel better!" Loki shouted back. A passing Asgardian gave him a funny look. Loki made a snake appear in her hair, and cackled in satisfaction at the scream that resulted.

v.

"Thor, are you sure it was a good idea to let Loki run free through Asgard?" Odin asked doubtfully. "He's dangerous."

"Oh, we have nothing to worry about, Father," Thor assured him, unsuccessfully restraining a chuckle. "As long as he's kept busy trying to kill his cat, he won't be able to focus on cosmic domination."

"Thor, you're a genius!" Fandral cried.

Author's Note: So, um, this is total crack. A thing that latched itself onto my brain and refused to let go. Even more so than Stalken Moffat and Mark'd Gatiss, or even the four Raptors—Tom, Ben, Bobby and Raptor.

Yes, this was one of those obscure, crack!ficcy ideas that simply would not settle for merely existing in my mind, or even being an inside joke between me and members of my family. No, this crack was determined to be known.

Well, it is Loki, after all.