Disclaimer: Yes, I own Fairy Tail. Yes, I am really Hiro Mashima. *hides her boobs* Really, I am. Ask Happy.
Happy: "Not unless you give me more fish than Hiro-sensei pays me." =^._.^=

This mathematical equation was told to me by AJlovesKakashi, who in turn learned it from her friend. Weird things inspire me.

Do the Math

a Fairy Tail fanfic

by Rhov

"I'm just sayin'," Gray slurred in a drunken stupor. "It adds up. You like Lucy, I like Lucy, so why not?"

Loke sipped his drink with sophistication, although the empty glasses in front of him showed that he had twice as many as the Ice-Make mage. He was a Celestial Spirit, so his tolerance was simply better. Still, even he was feeling the effects of too much alcohol.

"Gray/Lucy + Loke/Lucy = Gray + Loke over Lucy… Am I getting that right?" the Lion asked, slowly trying to process this convoluted sense of mathematics.

Gray grinned, slumping slightly. "Yup. Basic algebra."

"She'll never go for it," Loke pointed out.

"Sure she would. Hey, Mira!" he shouted over, bringing the attention of the white-haired bartender.

"No, Gray, you're past your limit," she answered instantly.

"Not that." He waved. "Come 'ere." She settled an ale in front of Macao and walked over to him and Loke. "Mira," Gray purred with a syrupy smile. "I know you an' Erza are into—whatchamacallit—yaoi, yeah?"

Mira blushed and looked around to see if anyone had overheard him. Luckily, the other guild members were too noisy in their own conversations. "Yes, why?"

"Say ya had an opportunity to watch two guys makin' out. Would you say no?"

"Do you mean just watching, or a threesome?" she whispered as her cheeks turned even more pink.

"Watching that could lead to a threesome."

"Are … Are you and Loke offering?"

Loke harshly coughed out his martini. "Whoa, hold up! You're a gorgeous woman, Mira, and back in the old days I would have done you in a heartbeat, but I'm Lucy's prince now."

"Ooh, I see." Mira smirked, her blushing gone, now replaced by a devious gleam to her pretty blue eyes. "You two want to snag Lucy at the same time. You realize, she's far too inexperienced to agree to a threesome. I think she's still a virgin."

"That's why I said," Gray sighed in drunken annoyance, "I wanna know if she'd agree to watch, with the option of joining if she wants. Plus this way, Loke and I can see for ourselves which one she'd pick. If she wants Loke, I'll back off, but if she wants me, Mister Suit-and-Tie here takes a hike."

Mira held her chin and nodded thoughtfully. "And if she picks both?"

Loke choked and coughed again. "Dammit, I can't drink in peace with you two talking like this!"

Gray gave an exaggerated shrug. "If she picks both, I don't mind. Loke's sexy. That's why I'd only suggest this with him. No way in hell would I team up with that flame-brain who's never even been kissed."

"Whoa, wait," Loke interrupted. "You think I'm sexy?"

Gray looked over to him in confusion. "Of course I do. Why do you think I asked you to be my partner in the S-class trial?"

"Because I'm … strong?" guessed Loke.

"Yup, strong and firm, graceful in movement, agile and flexible. If the chicks you brought here were right, you're just as good in bed as you are in fighting."

Mira smiled politely to Loke and explained, "Gray swings both ways."

The ice mage shrugged. "I simply don't discriminate by gender."

Mira looked up. "Lucy just stepped outside. Maybe you two should try your plan. Offer to walk her home and…"

Loke shot off first. Escorting his princess was his specialty, after all. Gray would take a moment to find his clothes, so Loke would score the first point toward winning Lucy's heart. Luckily, she had paused on the guild steps to stare up at the sky and inhale the night air. Loke crept up behind her like a lion on a gazelle.

"The stars shine brightest when you smile at us," he said in his suavest voice.

Lucy jumped, looked up to him, and blushed a little. "You and your silly pickup lines."

"It's not a line if it's the truth," he answered. "It's dark. I'll walk you home."

"I can call Plue," she argued, pulling away slightly.

Loke turned the charm up even more. "Why settle for the Little Dog when you can have the Lion? It's a lovely night, and I always thought your smile looked warmest by starlight. Besides, I'd like to know you're home safely before I head back to the Spirit World. It's my job as your Spirit, after all."

That won her over, and she gave a small, consenting nod. He offered his arm for her to hold, and she was just about to take it when the guild doors banged open. Gray stumbled forward, his pants thankfully on, his shirt inside out and unbuttoned, and a glazed look in his eyes.

"I'll walk Lucy home," he insisted.

Loke glared at him. "You need to sober up."

"And you need a hooker to fuck you so you stop obsessing over Lucy."

"Oh really?" scoffed the Lion. "A hooker? Is that what you use? I'm not so crude and indiscriminate. I pick only the best women, and there is none better than my Lucy."

"Lucy doesn't belong to you.

"But I belong to her."

"Hey, hey, you two!" Lucy scolded. "You can both walk me home, just keep your voices down. It's late."

Both looked triumphant as they walked on either side of her. Lucy rubbed out a throbbing vein as she let them do whatever they wanted. Gray was obviously drunk, plus she could smell the alcohol on Loke, although he walked straight and kept a pleasant conversation going as they strolled over to Strawberry Street. When Lucy entered her house, the two followed in.

"Eat whatever you want. Natsu does that all the time anyway," she said, waving them aside as she headed to her bedroom to change into something more comfortable.

Loke took a regal seat on the couch and surveyed the small house as if it was his domain. He saw a small glass bowl where Lucy had set out a pile of hard candies. He took one, opened the wrapper, popped the candy into his mouth, and began to suck on it. Gray got himself a big glass of water to fight the hangover he knew would torment him in the morning. For now, he was still nicely drunk, and Loke was looking unbearably tempting.

Gray walked over and took a seat beside him. "Whatcha eating?"

Loke held the hard candy ball between his front teeth to show him. "Cahn-deh," he said with the sweet in his mouth.

"I wanna taste."

Abruptly, Gray lunged forward and attacked Loke's mouth. When the ginger-haired Spirit panicked and tried to fight back, Gray held his arms down by force.

"Hey," he whispered, staring down into Loke's huge, shocked eyes. "Remember what we said earlier. Me over Lucy plus you over Lucy equals me plus you … over Lucy."

"I thought you were drunk and joking," Loke cried out in a soft voice, hoping dearly that Lucy would not step out right at such an awkward moment.

"I wasn't joking," Gray said dead seriously. "You're hot, and we both like Lucy. We'll tempt her and see whom she picks."

Loke glared. "That's horrible! I won't…"

Gray shut him up with another fierce kiss. Loke tried to shake his head away, but those cold lips were surprisingly soft. His struggles lessened as Loke realized that Gray was an amazing kisser. When he opened his mouth, Gray's tongue lapped up the sweetness of the candy. That agile tongue sought out the hard ball, flicked it into his own mouth, and then he pulled back to smile at Loke.

"Sweet," he said.

"Very!" Loke purred back.

"Kyaaaaaaaaa!"

They both looked over to see Lucy standing in a short nightgown and soft robe. Her hair was completely down, and her face had gone pale.

"Wh-what … you two … what are you…?" She closed her mouth as she realized this scene was a little too obvious to even bother questioning it. Another question hit her instead. "Why are you doing that in my house? Out! Both of you! There are hotels for that sort of thing."

"I'm broke," Gray answered bluntly.

"Then do it at your house!"

"My neighbors get upset, and Loke doesn't have a home in this world. There's no choice. It has to be here."

"No!" Lucy shouted, and her cheeks began to turn red. "Besides, since when did you become gay? And Loke, I thought you were all over me."

"I definitely am," the Lion insisted loyally. "This stripper attacked me by surprise."

"Lucy." Gray's voice was soft, deep, chilling her until goosebumps rose on her skin. He got up off of Loke, walked over to her, and rubbed her arm as if knowing precisely how his voice was affecting her. "Are you jealous? Did you think we both liked you?"

She looked away petulantly. "I thought you at least had some feelings. Guess I was wrong. No big deal." Her pout tightened more.

"You weren't wrong." Gray leaned in closer, and his blue eyes sought out her face. "Did you like having two men wanting you?"

"What…? That's absurd!" she snapped.

Gray suddenly grabbed her around the waist, lifted her slightly, and rushed her back into her bedroom. With a shout of protest, Loke scrambled off the couch and ran after him. Damn stripper, stealing Lucy when he said they had a plan for her to pick! Loke would rather have Lucy honestly pick between them than fight over her.

He entered the bedroom and saw Lucy forced down on the bed with Gray on top. Loke's hand lit up golden, and he gave Gray a hard punch to get him away.

"How dare you!" he shouted. Then Loke sat at Lucy's side. "Are you hurt, master? Did that drunken oaf scare you? Your knight is here. It'll be fine."

Lucy was stunned at both of them. Gray was drunk, so she could dismiss his bizarre behavior, but why did Loke look like he was really enjoying Gray earlier? She had so many questions, but her heart was beating too hard to catch enough breath to speak.

Gray rubbed out the bruise forming on his cheek. That would hurt in the morning, but for now the alcohol masked the pain. He grabbed Loke by the tie and yanked on him, ready to punch him back. Instead, he paused to gaze at that loyally stubborn face. The ice mage snatched a handful of the fluffy orange hair and grabbed the Lion Spirit into another harsh kiss.

Loke again tried to struggle. "Wait, what…?"

"Go with it," the ice mage muttered into the protesting mouth.

Gray was kneeling to Lucy's right, Loke on his knees at Lucy's left. She watched with anger, fluster, embarrassment, and blushing arousal as the two shared a passionate kiss right over her. Gray moaned as Loke's hands traveled over his bare stomach and up to his chest. Loke gave a soft grunt when Gray snagged around his pants' belt loops to pull him a little closer, although Lucy's prone body separated them. Lucy squirmed at the way their hands worked on each other.

"H-hey, wait," she said softly, choked up with saliva that wanted to drool out her mouth. "Hey, don't. Not here. At least not on top of me like this. It's … weird."

"I like being weird," Gray groaned. His hand drifted down and grabbed the hardening bulge in Loke's tailored trousers. The Lion's spine arched in pleasure, and his head leaned back to roar a shuddering moan.

"Ahh!" Lucy cried out, and she covered her eyes. "Get off. You can use the couch if you want, just … not here."

They ignored her protests. Gray was quick at removing Loke's shirt and tie, then he had his own clothes off before anyone could see how he did it. Lucy realized she could have hit them to get off of her bed, kicked them out, maybe even forced Loke's gate closed, although he was good at resisting that. There were many ways to get them out of her room, yet she hardly protested besides her feeble requests. She squirmed as her thighs heated up and her stomach twisted tightly. Their kisses were getting wilder. With a few tugs from Gray, Loke's belt was off and his pants pulled down to his knees, unable to go any lower. Then Gray's hand slipped down into Loke's tiger print boxers. The Lion moaned hotly, and a small stream of saliva dripped out of his mouth down onto Lucy's stomach.

"St-stop it," she whispered, twisting her thighs together. "It's … not fair."

The two young men paused in their foreplay and looked down at her.

"Not fair?" asked Loke.

Gray had a huge smirk. "Because we're leaving you out? Then pick one of us," he insisted. "Pick which one you want tonight, and the other has to leave."

Her eyes glared in fierce anger. "Is that what this is all about? You just want me to pick between you two, so you're doing all this?" She folded her arms stubbornly and looked away. "You two are awful. Obviously I can't pick one."

"If you're afraid of hurting one of us, don't worry. We agreed to do it this way," Gray said to reassure her.

"Not just that," she grumbled. "I … can't pick. I like you both, and … and it's not fair. I almost wish I didn't have to pick just one."

Loke and Gray exchanged surprised looks. "Then," the Lion said cautiously, "what if … if you picked us both?"

Lucy looked over in surprise. "That wouldn't work."

"Of course it can," chuckled Gray. "Your call, Loke. Top or bottom half?"

"Top."

The two men switched positions. Gray slithered down to Lucy's legs while Loke shifted up to her head.

"Wait! What are you doing?" Lucy cried out in shock.

Loke smiled in a way to calm her down and stroked her head to soothe her uncertainties. "I prefer to gaze upon my lovely master. Plus I'm a cat. I like to play with toys, and these," he said, caressing her breasts, "look like they can truly entertain me."

"You two!" Lucy shuddered as she began to understand what they had in plan. "You're both drunk."

Gray chuckled as he slid Lucy's nightgown up to her hips. "Actually, I thought of doing this before drinking tonight, but if it doesn't turn out, we can always blame it on the alcohol in the morning."

Hooking her panties, he gently ran his hands down her thighs. Surprisingly, she arched her hips to help him take the underwear off. Then Loke tugged on her gown, and she let it be pulled over her head. Lucy tried to cover herself up, but both men took her arms to pull them away.

"Don't hide yourself," said Gray.

"You're too lovely to cover up," Loke agreed. "We both adore you, Lucy. So let us worship you just for tonight."

Gray spread her legs apart until he saw the juiciness glistening on the inviting pink lips. "So beautiful," he sighed, and he leaned over to begin licking her.

Lucy's back arched at the touch of his tongue, and that smashed her breasts into Loke's face. He smiled at the moan that shivered out of her, and he wanted to make it louder.

"Do you like what Gray is doing?" he asked. Blushing brightly and with her mouth pursed tightly closed to hold back her moans, she nodded fast. "Then I better do my best to match him."

Loke licked both of her tensing nipples, then sucked on one while teasing the other with his fingers, rolling it between his thumb and index, giving small tugs. Despite trying to keep quiet, Lucy gasped at his touches and shivered out a moan. Gray heard her and hummed, vibrating right against Lucy's sensitive areas.

"No!" Lucy wailed. "Stop!"

Both men looked up in confusion. "Who should stop?" they asked at the same time.

"Gray, you amateur," yelled Loke. "Were you hurting my Lucy?"

"Shut up, pervy Lion! You've been with so many whores, you probably don't know how to treat a virgin like Lucy."

"I've been with more virgins than you'll ever meet in your entire life. I know how to treat the most delicate noblewoman. I'm not tainted by porn anime like kids these days."

"That makes you sound like an old man. Lucy doesn't need a geezer; she needs a young stud, someone who can truly appreciate her, not someone who sees her as just another conquest."

"I would never think of any woman as a mere conquest, and certainly not the woman I love. Lucy is my master, so my job is to cater to her every desire. A cold-hearted bastard like you could never understand the bond we have."

"Lucy is my best friend. I know her needs far better than anyone."

Lucy screamed over their bickering. "Will you two shut up and keep going?"

They looked at her in confusion again. "But you said to stop," Gray pointed out.

Loke nodded in agreement. "When a woman says stop, a man has to stop. It's the law."

"And I'm saying now go!" She looked away peevishly. "Neither of you understand a woman's needs."

Gray and Loke shared a wink, and they continued with their activities. Loke gave Lucy a kiss while his hands played with her abundant breasts. Gray lapped at her entrance, licking up the sweet juice that was already making her sheets wet. Slowly, he tested a finger at her entrance. She felt tight, and he did not want to hurt her, so he coated himself in her juice first, then carefully slipped it in.

Lucy cried out over Loke's kiss at the burrowing finger. "Gray … nnngh! C-Careful."

"I won't hurt you," he promised.

"If he does," Loke said loyally, "I will personally castrate him … with my foot."

"And there goes my boner," Gray muttered. He raised up a bit with his finger still teasing her inside. "Hey Loke, you've gotta taste how good she is."

Still tweaking her nipples with his fingers, Loke leaned over and licked Gray's mouth. The ice mage's tongue went out and twirled around the Lion's, letting Loke savor the feminine sweetness. Below them, Lucy watched the passionate kiss and felt even hotter. Her thighs tightened at how sexy these two looked together. She suddenly understood why Erza loved reading yaoi so much.

"She's getting tighter down here," Gray chuckled, lapping at Loke's mouth.

"And her nipples are harder up here," Loke agreed, sucking off all the juice he could get.

"Hey, Lucy," Gray asked, "how far do you want to take this?"

Her brown eyes went huge, and her cheeks turned fiery red. "I … dunno. I guess … you know … not all the way. I'm still … still a … a v- … virg-…"

"Got it," Gray interrupted to save her the embarrassment. "Loke, you wanna jack me off?"

Loke sighed in annoyance. "You are immensely crude, and I can't touch your dick right now when my hands are busy with Lucy's bosom."

Lucy squirmed since they were not paying as much attention to her again. "I can do that much. A handjob, right? I … I think I can do that."

"But Luuuucy," Loke whined. "What about me?"

"I'll suck you off," Gray offered, dropping down so he could admire Loke's erect cock. "I told you before, I think you're hot."

"But I want Lucy to … fuck!" he howled as Gray devoured him with no warning. "Wait, wait, we need to figure out logistics. You need to be close enough for Lucy to reach you, I need to be angled to where I can still play with her and kiss her, but I need to be able to twist so you can … no, that won't work. Lucy, lie on your side."

Gray released Loke as all three readjusted positions. "Look who's an expert on threesomes," he teased.

Loke shrugged. "Normally it's with two women, but I can figure at least this much out."

He also laid on his side so he could face Lucy and kiss her while his hands fondled her breasts. Gray flipped head down so his dick was close to both Lucy and Loke's faces, while his head was down by Loke's cock and his hand could keep fingering Lucy. Once in position and everyone was comfortable, they continued.

Loke kissed and licked Lucy all over her face and chest, until he realized she made the loudest moans when he suckled one breast while pinching the other. He would lick and suck the left, biting it softly from time to time, which apparently did something because Gray would also moan when she reacted … and moan right into Loke's cock. The vibrations drove Loke insane. Meanwhile, Lucy wrapped her hand around Gray's shaft and stroked him, hesitantly at first. Loke realized she was too timid, she had probably never touched a penis before in her life, and he felt Gray deserved as much pleasure from her as what the Ice-Make mage was giving to him.

"Like this." Loke showed Lucy by taking Gray's cock and giving him a few firm thrusts.

"Oh God, Loke!" Gray moaned.

"I'm only showing her. I'm not jacking you off," Loke insisted. "If you wanna suck on me, I have no qualms against it, but…"

Gray shut him up by massaging his balls. Loke tensed, got the message to keep quiet, and went back to suckling Lucy.

"You two," Lucy moaned, overwhelmed and unable to think clearly enough to scold them.

She knew this was perverted and oh-so-wrong! Erza would kill her if she found out what the three of them did. Natsu might not like her purely because she chose Gray over him—she hadn't, Gray just offered first is all—and Cana … no, Cana would probably cheer her on and ask to join in next time. Levy would talk her into adding a little spicy three-way love affair into her novel. Mira … she had a suspicious feeling Mira was behind part of this.

Still, Lucy had to admit that she loved it too much to tell them to stop. Gray's finger in her kept finding her special little spot, and every time he hit it, flashing stars blinded her eyes. Meanwhile, Loke was making her quiver with his tongue and hands. Instead of admonishing them, she could hardly help herself.

"More," she shuddered.

Gray hummed happily, making Loke's hips snap in a thrust. Carefully, Gray slipped a second finger into Lucy. She moaned at the stretching, but she was so wet, she took it in fast. Loke switched, giving her right breast a wet lavishing while on the left one his fingers slid over the slippery wet nipple. Lucy gasped and screamed in pleasure. Her hips began to buck at Gray's fingers, and her nails clawed at Loke's shoulders. Then Loke slipped his free hand down and joined Gray. He was busy with her inside pleasure zones, but Loke knew the spot that really sent a girl over the edge. He nestled down through the curly tuft of hair, found the little button, and began to rub it in circles.

Lucy's whole body jolted as if she had been electrocuted. She yelled so loudly, surely people on the street could have heard her. Gray felt her thrust down harder onto him, and Loke realized her breasts were pressing up tighter.

"Bite … bite it," she whispered to Loke. "Softly."

The Lion took the stiff nipple between his teeth and gave it just a little erotically painful nip. Lucy moaned loudly again. The two men panted as her shouts affected them, making both of them tense up.

"Gray," Loke warned.

A muffled hum was enough to let the Lion know he understood. Gray sucked on Loke more, bobbing his head faster.

"Lucy," Loke huffed. "Stroke Gray faster. We're both … about to come."

Between panting shouts, she obeyed and rubbed Gray's cock faster while precum leaked all over her hand. Gray moaned loudly at her stroking, which made Loke almost lose it.

"Guys," Lucy whimpered. "I … feel weird. It's too much. I feel … like I'm gonna … black out."

Both men smiled, realizing they had to last just a little longer for Lucy's sake. Loke steeled his abdominal muscles to hold back. Gray thrust harder into Lucy, urging her on.

"No! You guys, I … I can't…"

"It's okay, Lucy," Loke purred. "We're both here, and we both want you to completely lose control. Don't hold back."

She made a whinnying sound as her whole body struggled against the utter abandonment toward animal instincts.

"G-Gray!" Loke warned in a shout. As Lucy moaned and scratched him, Loke lost it. The coiled tension in his gut snapped, and he felt spurt after spurt fill Gray's mouth. Down below, he heard the ice mage choking on the cum, yet he felt him trying to swallow it down.

While Loke was high on his euphoria, he suddenly felt something wet hit his cheek. Gray had come too … and right into his face! Loke realized he should have been more careful on where he was positioned.

Still the two worked on Lucy, who was going hoarse with her cries. They redoubled their efforts. Loke sucked and nipped her a little harder, while relentlessly rubbing her clit. Gray moved around so he could angle into Lucy better, hitting that spot inside her that drove her crazy. As they both watched Lucy struggle against the utter loss of control, Gray gave Loke a kiss on the cheek, licked off the splattered cum, then playfully nibbled his way up to the Lion's sensitive ear.

Lucy watched Gray kissing and licking Loke, and that same erotic heat pooled down in her belly. She felt ashamed to fully lose control, but it overwhelmed her too suddenly.

"Ahhh!" she cried out in shock as an orgasm unlike any she had ever given herself shivered all the way down to her curled toes, then back up her spine again in a massive wave of ecstasy. "Gray! Loke!" she shrieked. Lucy grabbed both of them, digging her nails into their skin as the pleasure became so intense, she felt like she could die in this moment of bliss.

"Lucy," they whispered together. Both stroked her hair as they felt her whole body shiver and convulse. Then Loke looked over to Gray, smiled proudly at their job, and gave him a passionate kiss.

Once Lucy had calmed down, they pulled the blankets over their sweaty bodies. The two men laid on either side of Lucy, languidly playing with her breasts, her hair, stroking her skin, and just admiring her glowing happiness.

Loke looked over Lucy's chest to Gray. "You were right. The math worked. Gray over Lucy plus Loke over Lucy equals Gray plus Loke over Lucy."

Gray chuckled. "Told you."

"And Gray," Loke whispered, smiling over at him. "Thanks. You weren't too bad."

"Maybe next time you'll repay me."

"If Lucy lets us have a next time." He smiled down as her closed eyes.

"We don't necessarily have to have her around too."

Loke chuckled and closed his sleepy eyes. "Don't push your luck, kid."

"Kid? You sound like an old man again."

"I think I just proved how virile the Lion can be."

"You were the first one to come."

"If I had been sucking you off, you'd have blown in under a minute."

"Wanna test that theory?"

"You wish!"

Lucy grumbled. "Shut up, you two."

"Yes, Lucy," they both answered and gave her kisses on each cheek.

"Next time…" she mumbled sleepily.

Loke had a huge grin in anticipation. "Yes? Next time?"

Gray sighed in relief. "Then you really do want a next time."

"Next time," Lucy muttered into her pillow. "Maybe … also … Natsu."

Gray and Loke looked to one another in shock. "Oh, hell no!" they both answered, but Lucy was already asleep with a smile on her face.

End