One Direction: The Unexpected Love Story

Chapter One: The Discovery

It was a Tuesday; I had just finished up my last individual session at the local rehab center for snorting horse poop. I walked inside my house and my mother came and hugged me.

"Michael Jackson is dead" she said.

"I know," I replied

"Tanya, did you take your pregnancy test today?" my mom asked my sister.

I went to my room and then came back upstairs. I then went to the kitchen and then outside. Then I came back inside and sat down. Then I got up and went outside on my porch and I sat on my glider.

I decided to call up my best friend Louis Tomlinson and tell him about my success in rehab and how I never want to snort horse poop again.

"Hello Love" he said as he answered the phone. I could hear Niall Horan farting in the background.

I was just about to confess my love for Louis, I already knew he loved me back ever since that night at the local club TRASH™, when Harry Styles appeared on my porch….naked.

I held the phone in my hand.

I set the phone on my juicy thigh.

"What are you doing here?" I asked trying not to look at his massive toe.

He smiled that cheeky smile of his and replied by saying "I love you". He came over and took my hand with his toe. It was still hard not to look at that humongous toe.

I got up while he held my hand with his toe and walked over to my plant.

I watered the plant.

I was just about to tell Harry I loved him back, even though we had only known each other for exactly 69 seconds, when he grabbed my glider and jumped up on the rail of the porch.

Before he jumped down he looked deep into my eyes and said "This doesn't change things".

But it did…for me, because right then I realized Harry Styles was a terrorist.

I picked up my phone again and listened for about five minutes as Louis chomped on his gum.

"Louis?"

"Love?"

"Harry just stole my glider"

"I told him to" Louis then hung up.

My heart then stopped. My mom did CPR to make it go again. I couldn't believe this. Louis was working with Harry! They were both terrorists.

Chapter Two: the Call

I lay in my room trying not to cry, I knew if I cried I would flood the room. My mom always told me that whenever I cry there would be a flash flood. Its genetic I guess. So I always held my tears inside of my eyeballs. But, I just couldn't believe that my best friend and potential lover and his best friend and another one of my potential lovers were terrorists. Like, OMG.

I decided to call up my therapist and tell her how I was thinking about getting some poop to snort again. However, when I dialed the number on my Hot Pink Motorola Razor I realized I had typed in the wrong number. I didn't hang up cause I was willing to talk to anyone right about now.

When I heard the voice on the other end I was as surprised as my cousin was that one time when the doctor told him it wasn't his child. The voice belonged to that of Zayn Malik.

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god I CANT BELIEVE ITS YOOOUUU" he said.

I knew I was rather famous from my stint on "My Strange Addiction" but I didn't realize Zayn was such a fan of my work.

"Would you like an autograph?" I asked despite the fact that we were on the phone.

"YES", he said "but I would also like a date because I am in LOVE with you"

I thought about it for a second.

"Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider" I replied

"You know Mama always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them"

"What do you mean?" I asked

"You know, it's funny what a young man recollects, 'cause I don't remember being born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas, and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic but I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the world"

"Thanks" I said.

He hung up and I realized Zayn Malik was also a terrorist.

Chapter Three: Where Am I?

The next morning I woke up and I didn't know where I was. I looked around and realized I was in Flavor Flav's Flavor of Love mansion. I got up and walked to the kitchen for some purple drank. As I was walking I let my swag show.

I opened the fridge and I looked inside and saw the familiar Vikings hat and oversized clock and I knew it was Liam Payne.

"Surprise!" He shouted as he stepped out of the fridge.

"You should sit down" I said referencing his one kidney.

"Okay" he said already out of breath from only having one kidney and talking.

I sat down and started checking my breasts to make sure I didn't have breast cancer.

"CLEAR!" I shouted when I didn't feel that unholy lump.

"Would you like some vodka?" I asked Liam.

Liam grabbed the whole bottle and chugged that shit like a baby chugs breast milk.

We high-fived and then started holding hands.

"Neat!" I yelled. I couldn't believe how soft his hands were. I was in love but I knew I was holding the hands of a terrorist.

Chapter Four: Shit Just Got Real (SJGR)

I apparated from my spot at the table holding Liam's hand to downtown Mumbai where I knew I could find the final horocrux.

Just when I was about to stab the snake with the sword of Gryiffendor that would finally eliminate the last piece of Voldemort's soul, Niall Horan stepped out of the Mumbai Nandos holding the hand of a cow.

Now I knew that cows were sacred in India and that it was illegal to kill them but something inside me told me that cow was up to no good and that I must stab that cow with the sword of Gryffendor.

So I did.

Niall started crying and farting. It smelled good. Then I grabbed his nose and told him I had it and I wasn't giving it back. This only made him cry more. I gave it back and he smiled at me. We looked into each other's eyes and I put my hand in his pocket. I felt around and found some keys, a wallet, a magic lamp, some happy 50th birthday cards and MY GLIDER. I pulled it out of his pocket.

How did it fit in there? I thought

Niall grabbed my ankle and started whispering in my ear.

"No one has to know about this" he said "I love you"

He kept trying to tell me everything I wanted to hear but before I did anything with him I needed to talk to Zayn. He always knew just what to say.

I dialed his number and he picked up.

"Hello" he said

"I think I want to sleep with Niall" I said

"What do you mean?" he said. I knew this was breaking his heart because he loved me too.

"I want to sleep on the top bunk and I want him to sleep on the lower bunk and I want us to talk about the time we went to see the Blue Man Group together."

"When did you guys see the Blue Man Group?" Zayn asked.

"Never, I just met him" I replied

"I don't know if mama was right or if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze. But I…I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. But I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away." Zayn then hung up.

I don't know who Lieutenant Dan or Jenny is, but Zayn really said something that made everything clear to me. Niall Horan was a terrorist.

Chapter Five: The Decision

It was official, my worst fear was happening, six boys were in love with me. Not only that but all of them were terrorists except DeQuan.

I decided to call up DeQuan to get his input on this but he was busy running around with his gang. Unfortunately by the time his mother told me this DeQuan was shot and died in the streets of East St. Louis.

I was somewhat thankful because now I only had five men to deal with. I decided to take a walk and clear my head. I went to the local bakery for a snack and Peeta Mellark handed me the signature bread.

I then walked to the Eifel Tower to eat Peeta's signature bread. I was sitting there with my guitar in hand playing and singing My Lips Like Sugar by Flo Rida. I had just gotten through the line This Candy Got You Sprung when Louis, Harry, Zayn, Liam and Niall all pranced up to me at once.

I looked at them and my head exploded because I couldn't choose which one to love.

When I got to heaven I realized that my head in fact didn't explode out of shock but they had all thrown grenades at me and my head exploded because of my five terrorist lovers.