Summary: Arthur's cousin Kilhwch comes to Camelot and is presently knighted. This is a problem since the new "Sir K" is a bully, a liar, and secretly courting Lady Morgana on the side. At the same time, Arthur begins to collect a very deadly variety of lawn ornament. Can Merlin, Gwaine, and Leon put a stop to this revenge of the forest before Arthur ends up on the gnomes' dinner menu? And what has Sir Galehaut so hot and bothered, anyway?

A/N: If this is your first time here, welcome to the "Friday Knights," a spin-off series which jumps off from the end of Season Three of Merlin. We are all huge fans of the show, and this story comes out of a play-by-post roleplaying game I am in with a few friends. This is the fourth installment, so you may want to stop, back up, and read Episodes 1-3, "The Odd Couple," "The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship," (both posted by me) and "The Unquiet Castle," (posted by B.A. Murdock), but you don't have to.

If you've been here before, thanks for your patience with me and with this series! We're in the middle of this episode now, so updates will probably be slow but steady. There should be some good times ahead, though: hope you enjoy!

Acknowledgements: Thanks of course to my co-writers, B.A. Murdock and Caitydid. Also thanks to our beta-readers, EffervescentAardvark and Chocolate Honey Apples!

Warnings: Sexual content, violence and language are slightly amped up from what we expect from Merlin. I blame Gwaine.

…

THE FRIDAY KNIGHTS:

A DISH BEST SERVED COLD

…

Tables groaned with the weight of food, drink, and decoration that, under Galehaut's watchful eye, had become rather more ornate than Gwaine's original plan of daisy-in-a-pint-glass. Despite a misbehaving castle, errant round table, and the ineptitude of more than a few knights and a wizard at grasping the concept of "event planning," the feast was going off without a hitch. It might have helped that Leon and Galehaut had both stepped in to mostly take control in the flurry of activity that was Arthur and Gwen coming back from their honeymoon. Arthur had certainly been of little assistance, since he'd been running around checking that everything was as he left it, although that was a surprisingly easy task. Gwaine and Leon had done a good job running the castle while he'd been off honeymooning, and there wasn't much to fix. But he found better things to do than help organize the feast anyway.

So far, the feast was going off without a single hitch. It was going so well that Merlin was just waiting for something unexpected to happen. At any minute, he was sure, someone would just have to come running in to cause absolute uproar with the announcement that a troll had broke in and was running amok in the armory. But nothing happened. Everyone ate, and drank, and made merry. Then Arthur stood up to make a speech, and everyone hushed and turned to look at him. Even Gwaine stopped chattering at Percival and turned to listen.

Merlin stifled a yawn and stared across the hall. To the side and behind Arthur's seat stood a short table with two weapons. Well, three, really, but two of them were a pair and so Merlin was counting them as one weapon. The crossbow, clearly a master's work, was for Leon. The pair of short swords, again clearly crafted by a master, was for Gwaine. Arthur couldn't just simply say 'Thank you' and hand them over, though. No, first he had to prose on at length about this, that, and the other thing. Not even half listening, Merlin heard a couple of 'bequeath's, a 'portend', some 'wherefor's, and a lot of other really formal words that Arthur only used when giving extensive speeches. Since he was clearly going to be talking for at least the next ten minutes, Merlin didn't need to pay attention.

"…Merlin!" someone hissed, and he refocused, looking over at Arthur, who was glaring at him with the air of someone who has said his manservant's name at least three times without being heard.

"Sorry, what?" he asked, while everyone stared.

"The crossbow, weren't you paying any attention?" Arthur hissed under his breath, pretending to smile for the benefit of everyone else who couldn't hear him getting annoyed with Merlin.

"Of course I was," Merlin said, a little too innocently. The only response he got from Arthur was a roll of the eyes. As if the minor delay had been intended, Merlin picked up the crossbow, which he took first to Leon, who grinned and immediately started investigating it like a child with a new toy. Then he went back for the short swords, and took these down the table to Gwaine.

"He's going to have you polishing his armor for the next twenty years," Gwaine muttered as he took the swords.

"He said thirty, actually," Merlin responded and returned to stand around looking responsible. But Arthur wasn't done talking.

"And for accompanying the Queen and I on our honeymoon, as well as defending the camp against a truly giant elk beast that no doubt would have laid waste to everything were it not for his quick thinking, I bestow upon Merlin this," and here Arthur pulled something out from under the table, "Golden mop." To the laughter of all, he handed Merlin a very tacky, very gold-painted mop. Merlin, who told himself he'd known Arthur too long to not expect this, took it with a graciousness that was far too thorough to be serious or sincere. The king clapped him on the shoulder, still laughing at his own joke, and took something that Gwen, who was trying to mask a laugh behind a polite cough, handed him.

"You didn't think I was serious, did you, Merlin? Honestly, where is your sense of humor?" Arthur asked as he ceased laughing, and handed over a knife, simply decorated, in a tooled scabbard on a sturdy belt. Merlin stared at it in confusion. "Go on, take it," Arthur said, and set it in Merlin's open hand.

"Er… thank you, Sire," he responded, quite serious this time. Then Arthur clapped him on the shoulder again and grinned suddenly.

"Gwen said it should be a sword, but we can't have you taking out half the army on accident," he joked, completely spoiling the seriousness of the moment, and then turned and sat back down. On his other side, Gwen caught Merlin's glance and looked briefly at the ceiling in amusement, then smiled as he stepped back from the table to look at the knife.

"A double-action repeating crossbow with composite lath, a recovery spanning lever and ivory stock! How did you know?"

Ignoring the sound of Gwaine's palm hitting his face in exasperation, Leon hugged the new crossbow to his chest, and gave Merlin a hug too.

"Don't mention it," Merlin said, "I know you've had your sights set on a new one."

Leon laughed and started fiddling about with the mechanisms. It didn't take long at all to get used to the lever—one pull and he'd done what usually took him at least ten times longer before.

"Looks like you got short-changed, Leon!" Gwaine said, his new swords gleaming in his hands. But he was apparently dissatisfied that there were no mechanisms or gadgets associated with them like Leon had with his crossbow, and, feeling he needed to be doing somethingwith them, took the opportunity to slice an apple in half with a hearty "Kah-cha!"

"Stand and deliver!" Leon said with mock seriousness, and while Gwaine took a few fake swings at him with the swords Leon fired off a few nonexistent rounds of crossbow bolts at him, both of them adding their own realistic sound-effects.

"Pshoo! Pshoo!"

"Ha! Shing! Gotcha!"

"Gwaine, that's enough!" said Arthur, to whom playing mock-war was a bit much, even at a feast. Leon quelled his giggles and lowered his crossbow obediently as Gwaine sheathed his swords.

"Why does he always yell at me?" Gwaine said petulantly.

"Well, it's always you acting out, isn't it?"

Gwaine sighed. "At least I'm building a reputation." He suddenly smacked Leon in the chest with the back of his hand. "'Ey, is it time to—you know—"

"Everyone else is ready," Merlin said in a low whisper.

"Let's get to it then!"

They had the plan for what the Friday Knights were going to play weeks ago, and so the start of the program was business as usual. Gwaine opened up the evening with "Hello, I Love You" (a particularly fitting song for Gwaine, considering his developed preference for anything with two legs he met at the tavern). Leon sang a more rural song while he beat a fast rhythm on his lute, but during the fast verses of "I've just seen a face I can't forget the time or place where we just met" and so on he tended to speed up—seeing Elaine in the audience made him almost unbearably nervous. Thankfully Lancelot and Galehaut, who had recently become the Friday Knight's dynamic vocal duo, chimed in helpfully on the chorus and he managed to just get through it without his fingers falling off from the speed of it. The rest of the set went on all right, with Merlin helping to move instruments and directing backup musicians in the background. He stubbornly refused to help do anything more than the occasional cowbell for Galehaut when he sang, "I'm Burning for You."

Except for the last song, which was the reason for the Friday Knights' secrecy.

As they got ready for this last song, Leon's mind flashed back to a few days ago, when the final program was being finalized. "I don't know if ending with Percival's song really has the right ring," he said. "I think we need something a bit more personal—to show Arthur our loyalty."

Leon couldn't forget the grin that spread over Merlin's face. "Oh—I've got something you can sing!"

"What?" Gwaine asked.

"That song that I always hum. I can't think of the name, but you should see his face whenever I start to hum it accidentally, it's priceless!"

"What, that song?" Leon laughed. "Come on, Merlin, that song's for sweethearts!"

"It is about loyalty. And everyone knows it. Actually, I wouldn't mind singing it myself…"

Well, with an offer like that, how could they refuse? The thought of seeing Arthur blush to his ear-tips with such a serenade was too much for any of them to pass up.

"Everyone ready?" Leon said, snapping back to the present as Merlin looked up and down the line of the Friday Knights. None of them played instruments on this song, playing back-up singers instead. They even choreographed a few moves, just to see the look on Arthur's face.

The instruments came in, and as they did Merlin started to do his own dance moves. Merlin wouldn't be winning any dance competitions any time soon, but his ridiculous moves seemed to fit the song perfectly. a few members of the audience gave whoops of approval at this severely dated, but catchy, classic tune.

"We're no strangers to love,
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of,
You wouldn't get this from any other guy…!"

Arthur, who usually couldn't be bothered with his Knights' musical inclinations and had been staring out the window in boredom, sat up. "What? What's that—?"

"I just gotta tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand!"

Arthur pressed into the back of his chair as if he was being threatened with a sword. "Oh, God, no—"

"Never gonna give you up!
Never gonna let you down!
Never gonna run around and desert you!
Never gonna make you cry—"

"SILENCE!" Arthur shouted, and everyone including the musicians went silent just as Percival was belting out "Never gonna say goodbye!" before he realized and also shut his mouth.

"What was that?" Arthur demanded.

Merlin grinned. "You know—that song I'm always humming accidentally, and you always get it stuck in your head—"

"Yes, I can see that! Shut up, you lot!" Arthur said, suddenly turning on Leon and the other knights, who quickly tried to cover their laughter with coughs.

Merlin's grin had faded. "Don't you like it?"

"No!"

"Oh. Well, couldn't we just—?"

"NO!"

"Ah. Right."

The Friday Knights dispersed, somewhat more informally than they expected. Arthur was glaring at them, so no one dared give applause, but it was clear that behind her napkin Gwen was laughing her head off.

"What was all that about?" This came from Gaius, who caught Leon, Gwaine and Merlin on their way down from the stage they had been performing on.

"The Princess is just sour, that's all," Gwaine said.

Leon laughed at Gaius's disapproving expression. "Come on, Gaius, a little bit of fun never hurt anyone!"

Gaius raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling alright, Leon?"

"It's the ale," Merlin said, jabbing Leon in the ribs.

"It's the fact that he's got a seat next to Lady Elaine!" Gwaine said with a grin.

Leon blushed. "Well—she just asked if I would like to join her—"

"—In bed!"

Before Leon could reply with a sufficiently witty comeback, or reply at all, the doors to the great hall were thrown open with an almost deafening crash.

…

A/N: Yes, you read that right.

Arthur just got Rick Roll'd.

No, we're not sorry.

Especially Gwaine.