Funk
Be a Mice Elf, Again?
a/n – OK, you can firmly blame this one on the Pandora online music service, specifically the lyrics as provided by Gracenotes. I was listening to Sly and the Family Stone's "Thank You". Clicking on the link for the lyrics, I was overcome with laughter and this story was born, because when I read the lyrics, the vision of Hermione funking out with the stereo on 11 and a bottle of wine in her hand wouldn't leave my head.
And while Pandora is responsible for this particular plot bunny, JK Rowling is the proud owner of all things Harry Potter, along with her corporate partners. A special thanks to the musical genius that was Sly & The Family Stone.
Chapter One – Where's That Powdered Wig?
12 May, 2008 – Peregrine House, Otter Ferry, Scotland
As Harry arrived at the front of the two story cottage overlooking the bay, he took a deep breath and walked up to the front door with all of his Gryffindor courage firmly in place. Knowing that Hermione was scheduled to receive the final results of her quest to be admitted to the practice of law in Scotland, England and Wales, he closed his eyes and sent off a silent prayer. Remembering how she had been before their OWLS in their fifth year and when she sat for her NEWTs after the war, they both had decided it would be better if she was home, alone, while she waited for the delivery of the news.
There was still a five inch deep gash in the wall in the sitting room from the accidental magic outburst she suffered through while waiting for the results of her apprenticeship as an Advocate before the Wizengamot last fall. All Harry had done was stick his head in the sitting room to see if she wanted some tea and he ended up rolling out of the way as a purple and green bolt of … something came rushing at his head.
Placing his hand on the door, he could feel vibrations from inside the house through the heavy duty wards he and Bill Weasley had placed on the structure when he gave it to Hermione back in 2000 as a birthday present, and feared the worse.
Taking a deep breath, Harry opened the door quickly and stepped in to the entrance hall, the sound coming at him was almost a physical presence as it pounded into him.
Stepping forward, Harry stopped in amazement in the doorway of their sitting room at the sight that greeted him.
Hermione Potter, funking out to Sly & The Family Stone's "Thank You", dancing on the top of her prized grand piano, wearing a vintage mini-dress that he vaguely remembered her and Daphne coming back with from one of their shopping trips to London last summer, a bottle of Penfolds Grange 1971 in her hand, using it as a microphone as she belted out the lyrics over the stereo which was set firmly on '11'.
The three empty bottles of wine sitting on the piano bench helped explain the exuberance of her performance
Noticing that he had entered the room, she did a half hop move, turned to face him, leaned over and joined Sly & family on the chorus.
"Stiff all in the collar, fluffy in the face
Chit chat chatter tryin', stuffy in the place
Thank you for the party but I could never stay
Many thangs is on my mind, words in the way
"I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
"Dance to the music all night long
Everyday people, sing a simple song
Mama's so happy, mama starts to cry
Papa's still singin', you can make it if you try
"I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin"
As the horns broke into a funk chorus, Hermione jumped down from the piano into Harry's arms.
"Harry, I did it!"
Trying not to laugh, Harry looked around and smiled. "You cleaned out the wine cellar?"
Rolling her eyes and swaying a bit unsteadily on her feet, she gave him a push and almost fell back into the piano.
"No, you goof. I passed. I'm wonderful, I'm masterful, I'm …"
When she stopped to think of another word, Harry helpfully supplied, "Blotto?"
"Nonsense. I'm an officer of the court and admitted to practice before the Queen's Bench. We don't get blotto." Hiccupping, she blushed and added, "And if we do, no one's plebian enough to mention it."
"And just what were you singing there?" Harry replied, trying to change the subject. While Hermione was an excellent singer, her almost eidetic memory for facts and spells seemed to fail her from time to time when it came to song lyrics, often with humorous results.
"I was getting in the mood to go clubbing with the girls tonight. Daphne, Astoria, Luna, Parv, and I are going to that new disco in the West End to celebrate, so I was just warming up with a bit of funk. Nothing like Sly & The Family Stone to get one's motor revved."
Waving her hand in the general direction of the stereo, which George and her father had modified so it could survive in a magical household, the music came back up and she was back to funking out.
As Harry stepped back, Hermione very energetically picked up with the band, singing for all she was worth into her wine bottle
"Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
"I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin."
As the track looped back to the top, Harry stepped forward and retrieved the almost empty bottle of wine from his wife and kissed her on top of her head.
"I'm very proud of you, but before you go into London with the girls, you're going to take a sobering potion. I still remember what happened that night in Sydney when you had too much of this wine."
"Nonsense, Harry. I'm perfectly capable of painting the town red." Pausing for a moment, she added, "In a perfectly dignified and professional manner, of course."
"Of course, princess," Harry chuckled as he nodded to Kreacher who was peeking warily from the door to the hall. "And you probably should go a bit light on the lyrics tonight."
"Nonsense, my darling auror. I've a perfect command of the deep and meaningful lyrics for such classics as "Thank You" and "Disco Inferno"."
"Mice Elf?"
"You obviously don't speak jive, Harry. If you had any funk in your soul, you'd understand."
Muttering something that sounded suspiciously close to "Next thing she'll be blathering on about resonances and my 'inner eye'," Harry just shook his head and said, "I think the line is 'I want to thank you for letting me be myself, again."
"Blasphemy!" Shaking her head, and sending her hair bouncing out of control, she looked around and spotted her wand sitting on the bookcase.
Summoning it to her, before Harry could intervene, she took the wand, held it across her chest so her hand was over her heart, and declared, in time to the music, "I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin!"
As she finished, there was a flash of light, and suddenly Harry couldn't help but laugh.
Hermione was standing there, covered in short grey fur, with whiskers around her nose, a long tail lashing behind her and cute little pointed elf ears on either side of her head, a mice elf.
Visions of second year and the polyjuice incident flashed through Harry's mind as he snickered and said "You're a mice elf"
Muttering, "I think I'm going to be sick," Hermione turned and bolted from the room.
Shaking his head, Harry suddenly remembered why they had Poppy Pomfrey's cell number on speed dial as he followed her out of the room as Sly & The Family Stone funked on.
a/n2 – And this is why friends don't let friends transfigure drunk.