Rated: K

Warning(s): Crossover (Lilo and Stitch & Avengers), AU

Agent Phil Coulson, S.H.I.E.L.D. etc. are Marvel's property. Cobra Bubbles, Lilo and co. are the property of Disney. I am merely playing in the sandboxes.

Synopsis: It's thanks to Agent Bubbles and Kokaua Town that Agent Coulson is as composed as he is when working on the Avengers Initiative. [Oneshot]

Kokaua Town

Kokaua Town, Kaua'i, Hawaii : April 17, 1996

Within the extremely confidential workspace of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (they're working on the name) there are 8 Levels of Clearance. However, if you have Level 7 Clearance you will know that there are, in fact, 12 Levels of Clearance.

Agent Bubbles of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division is one of the few within the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division to achieve Level 11 Clearance, though few have earned – or will ever earn – the privilege of knowing that. The 46-year-old African-American man known only as Bubbles to those who work with him is built like a refrigerator. He is 6'5" tall, weighs at least 200lbs, has the word 'COBRA' tattooed across his left knuckles, is rarely seen without his dark sunglasses, expertly pressed suit and buffed shoes, and has a shining bald head that could probably be seen from space. The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division's grapevine says that Bubbles once single-handedly held off an alien invasion without firing a single shot from his standard-issue sidearm. The grapevine also says that when Bubbles took a "leave of absence" five years ago for "health issues" associated with a confidential mission in "Mongolia" he was actually thwarting a second alien invasion through the sheer force of his right pinky finger.

Bubbles is a legend.

Agent Phil Coulson is a short, compact, white 30-year-old with buzzed brown hair who shares Bubbles' appreciation for well-tailored suits and buffed shoes. He is also a large fan of Captain America. With a dedication that could topple mountains through sheer force of will he is slowly amassing an impressive collection of vintage Captain America trading cards. He spent most of his teen years hunting auctions, collectors, dealers and the basements of his fellow fans for the 1972 replicas of Captain America's iconic round, star-spangled shield. Only 36 were ever made. His mother, Madeline Coulson, tells him that in September of 1972, five months after he turned 6, he refused to wear anything but his Captain America costume. He has spent most of his twenties – and now the first 8 days of his thirties – hunting down original Captain America action-figures and propaganda posters (along with a decent index card case for his various pastry recipes, but that's beside the point).

He still has no idea why the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division was interested in him in the first place. Maybe it was because of his vast knowledge of Captain America and World War II and the accompanying ability to unearth virtually any piece of information and confirm it as fact. Maybe. He doesn't really know. Regardless, he has been a part of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division for the past five years and nothing has managed to come even close to breaking or bending his admiration, respect and, well, "obsession" (as his sister calls it) with Captain America.

He has spent a grand total of forty-two minutes and twenty-six seconds with Agent Bubbles and already he is seriously considering the possibility that he may have to switch out the poster of Captain America that is plastered in his locker at base for a poster of soap bubbles.

Not Agent Bubbles himself, of course. The man probably doesn't have an image of himself, nor will he permit a lowly Level 6 Agent to take his photograph and then tape said photograph into his locker at base. Soap bubbles will have to do.

"What you are about to see is Level 7 Clearance information," Agent Bubbles had said upon picking Agent Coulson up. He had paused, considered what he had said for a moment, then added in his usual low timbre that reverberated within the confines of the nondescript black vehicle, "Possibly Level 8, if Agent L is feeling particularly rambunctious."

The fact that Agent Bubbles wasn't completely clear on what Clearance Level the mission was going to be was unnerving enough. The fact that Agent Coulson hadn't even heard of Agent L just cinched it for him. He had no idea what was going to happen. That was alarming.

With a ball of nerves settling in his stomach, the formerly dominant pencil-pusher named Phil (after his paternal grandfather) Ashley (after his maternal great-uncle) Coulson (Son of Coul, from his paternal side) settled into the passenger seat, remained silent, and merely observed the surrounding area as Agent Bubbles pulled onto the highway.

They drove past a sign that read 'Kokaua Town, pop. 4682' and that was when things started to get, for lack of a better term, odd.

There was a spiky ice-looking creature sitting on top of an ice cream stand that seemed to be duplicating the ice cream cones and selling them to people who seemed to have absolutely no issue with being served ice cream from a living icicle. There was a giant walking, talking, leg-possessing, grey-skinned creature with a head that looked oddly like a whale's head, dressed as a police officer and carrying what was definitely not a standard-issue sidearm. The sidearm was yellow and orange, for one thing.

"Sir?" Agent Coulson questioned, staring through the tinted windows at the gigantic whale-creature.

"Officer Gantu. Officially, he has a condition," Agent Bubbles explained. He slowed and came to a stop next to the gigantic whale-creature, gesturing simultaneously for Coulson to lower his window.

Gantu crouched down and a man who looked positively normal and probably was normal, appeared, having been hidden prior by Gantu's legs.

"Chief Kaiiko," Agent Bubbles said, nodding to the normal-looking man. "Officer Gantu."

"Bubbles! Aloha," the Chief of Police, Kaiiko, grinned, "how've you been? Visiting the Pelekai place?"

"Who is he?" Officer Gantu questioned, gesturing with one massive hand-flipper-thing to Agent Coulson.

"Coulson," Agent Bubbles introduced. "He's new."

Chief Kaiiko laughed, "Aha! That explains the expression then! Well, Kokaua Town welcomes you, Coulson, with an Aloha."

Agent Coulson nodded stiffly, "Likewise, Aloha."

"Be sure to check out Reuben's Sandwich Shop before you go, Coulson. Reuben makes the best sandwiches."

Officer Gantu grunted in dissatisfaction, "That's just because that trog gets the best ingredients from Mrs. Hasagawa."

"He could make a sandwich made out of rocks taste good, I swear," Chief Kaiiko chuckled.

Coulson glanced at Bubbles. Bubbles nodded, "I'll be sure to get him to try one of Reuben's sandwiches."

"You do that!" Chief Kaiiko stood and almost immediately waved a greeting to someone else as Bubbles and Coulson drove off.

After a moment, Coulson repeated incredulously, "A condition?"

"Officially," Bubbles nodded, unbothered by Coulson's disbelief.

They drove through the woods, twisting and turning, until turning onto the driveway of a large two storey house. The house was built on a platform so that beneath its technical first floor vehicles could be parked and various gardening and mechanical tools could be stored. The slats were pale green and the roof was coral red while all the windows were painted plain white alongside the white door that had a doggy-door cut into it. Jutting up at the rear of the house was a round pillar with an observatory-type roof that seemed to be retracted part-ways to look out onto the sunny sky overlooking the ocean.

Balanced atop of the roof was a fit Hawaiian man in his twenties with a tattoo around his right bicep. He seemed to be adjusting the satellite dish and shouting periodically, "This good, Jumba?" along with, "Why isn't Stitch doing this?"

A woman shouted from inside the house, "Because he's busy learning how to cook, David!"

David sighed and turned, spotting the vehicle stopping behind a beat-up faded cherry red Volkswagen Bug. He waved immediately, "Hey! Bubbles!"

Bubbles looked at David critically over the top of his sunglasses. David shrugged, "Jumba's doing some experiment again and says the signal isn't right. But hey, this'll give me an excuse to get off the roof!" With remarkable agility David skidded off the roof and landed on the porch just as Bubbles and Coulson reached the door. David brushed his hair back from his eyes and questioned, walking forward, "Who's this?"

"Coulson," Bubbles explained. "I'm training him."

David raised an eyebrow and reached out to shake Coulson's hand, "You aren't starting your training here, right?"

With Bubbles not protesting revealing that information Coulson nodded, "Yes sir, I am."

David winced, "Ouch. Come in then, may as well get it over with." He called as he led the agents into the house, "Hey, Nani, Bubbles is here!"

A fit woman with heavier hips and legs darted out of the kitchen and grinned anxiously, "Bubbles! I didn't expect you to be-" she stopped abruptly, spotting Coulson, "Ah, hello. Welcome, Aloha, uh, I'm Nani. Please, pardon the mess," she gestured to the living room where pillows and what seemed to be a trunk of clothing exploded. "You've already met David, ah, my husband."

Coulson nodded, "Pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

"This is Agent Coulson," Bubbles introduced. "He's being trained."

"Uh, hi," Nani said again. She gestured back to the kitchen, "Would you like some lemonade? Stitch just made a pitcher."

"Sure," Bubbles said, pulling off his sunglasses. Coulson stared for a moment, having never seen the man without his sunglasses. When Bubbles raised an eyebrow at him Coulson promptly looked away.

Nani moved into the kitchen immediately, followed by Bubbles and Coulson. David retreated quickly, moving immediately to the clothing and pillows and pulling a one-eyed, bulbous-headed, antenna-bearing alien out of the mass of clothing, "Pleakley, what are you doing?"

Coulson stared, wide-eyed, at the one-eyed, antenna-bearing creature. Bubbles promptly grabbed him by the shoulder and said into his ear, "Aunt Wendy. Most people call him Pleakley."

Wendy?

Coulson took a seat next to Bubbles. Unlike Bubbles, Coulson was obviously stiff and about as far away from home as possible. Bubbles seemed right at home.

"I'm really sorry, this must be really weird for you," Nani apologized as a two-foot tall furry blue creature with four arms, two legs, claws, two massive rabbit-esque ears and large, round, nearly completely black eyes plucked a pitcher of lemonade from the counter. The creature balanced the pitcher of lemonade in his upper two arms while his lower two arms and legs were used to climb onto the table.

Nani slid a couple glasses over to the agents while taking one for herself and the creature promptly moved to fill Bubbles' glass. Bubbles took the full glass and nodded to the creature, "Thank-you Stitch."

With a voice that sounded like it was chewing on rocks the creature named Stitch responded, "Stitch welcome."

Stitch scurried over the table to the glass in front of Coulson (who was still trying to get past the "Aunt Wendy" in the living room) and poured a glass of lemonade for him before standing back and pouring some for Nani. He set the pitcher down as soon as possible and scurried back to Coulson, his round nose twitching as he sniffed the agent then promptly crawled off the table and sniffed around the agent's feet. Suddenly, Stitch was on Coulson's lap, reaching into his jacket, and pulling out Agent Coulson's standard-issue sidearm.

In an instant the agents were up and Nani was shouting as Stitch crawled onto the ceiling and inspected the weapon, "Stitch! Give that back! You know that's not polite or safe!"

"What is the little monster doing now?" Aunt Wendy or Pleakley exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen alongside David. Almost immediately upon seeing Stitch fiddling with the firearm Pleakley squealed, "OH NO! The little monster's gone bad again! Stitch has gone bad! Everyone, RUN!"

David deftly moved out of the way as Pleakley ran on three legs, flailing his thin arms in the air while flinging his head back and screaming.

"What is going on down here?" a girl of about 11 shouted, appearing in the doorway of the kitchen that led to the back hallway. "You know, some people, have to review the past two centuries of the Tyräshiaön peoples' history!"

Everyone in the room froze.

Save for Bubbles, naturally, who merely stated, "Level 9."

Coulson blanched.

The girl looked around the room, her eyes wide, her chest heaving. Her eyes focused on Coulson. Almost immediately she straightened up and pointed at him, "Someone tell me he went temporarily deaf."

"It was unexpected, but is nothing we cannot handle," Bubbles said smoothly. "Agent Coulson, meet Agent L." Bubbles gestured to the young girl.

Coulson blinked. Agent L was a little girl?

He was honestly expecting Agent L to be an alien (or a human with a "condition") sooner than a little human girl.

The girl sighed, "Hi. I'm Lilo Pe-" she stopped abruptly, staring up at the ceiling where Stitch was still standing. "Stitch? What are you doing?" She frowned, "Did you take that gun from Coulson?"

Stitch didn't say anything.

Lilo frowned, "Give it back. Now."

Stitch scurried down from the ceiling and promptly handed the weapon to Coulson, carefully ensuring the safety was on. Stitch lowered his head and apologized softly, "Sorry."

"Uh…" Coulson stared. "Just, don't do it again."

A large, purple-skinned, four-eyed creature lumbered into the doorway behind Lilo, all four eyes wide, "I have heard that there is new government agent, heh heh heh."

"Dr. Jumba Jookiba, meet Agent Coulson," Lilo introduced. "Coulson, meet Jumba."

"Pleasure," Coulson nodded sharply.

Jumba chuckled darkly, "Heh heh heh, it will not be so pleasant, you will be finding this soon."

Nani slowly raised an eyebrow then turned to Coulson, "I'm pretty sure he's joking."

Three hours later Agent Phil Coulson was sitting in the passenger seat next to Agent Cobra (his first name was actually Cobra, who knew?) Bubbles and eating an excellent sandwich (Reuben did not mess around when it came to sandwiches, that was for certain). As he ate, Bubbles explained that Coulson now not only had Level 9 Clearance (yes, there are, in fact, 12 Levels of Clearance) but he would be trained in assisting and later taking over for Agent Bubbles in the protection of the Pelekai family (including the resident aliens). Also, Bubbles did single-handedly defend the Earth against an alien invasion without firing a single shot. Mosquitoes, apparently, were an endangered species.

Coulson never did find out whether Bubbles thwarted a second alien invasion through the sheer force of his right pinky finger in 1991.

He always figured it was just better if he didn't know.

A/N: I don't even know. I don't…yeah, this just sort of came from the Land of Supremely Odd Ideas. But seriously, how did Coulson become as calm as he is? I want Coulson backstory.

R&R