Hey, it's me yet again (:
I don't know where it came from but I was going to write a happy fluff-filled Tiva fic with loads of humor in it...so basically the stuff I usually write
BUT
When I started writing it turned out nothing like that. Instead it's angsty and sad and so different from what I usually write.

Also, I decided to make it a two-shot now..because I just always find ways to continue my one-shots and this seems to be no exeption.

I am not at all sure about this, so please tell me your thoughts in a review. It would really help me.

Disclaimer: Is it wrong to wish that I owned these characters? Well I don't think so, but it's still just that. A wish. I don't own them and probably never will.

~ Alive ~

She didn't know what he wanted when he knocked on her door at 3 am but she knew that she had to let him in because he had that look on his face. The one that made her heart break for all the sadness it held. She stepped aside, letting him in and he kicked off his shoes and threw his jacket on a chair. She watched him patiently as he started pacing her small living room, not saying a word. His unusual lack of rambling bothered her.

"What is it, Tony?" she finally asked after what had to be more than fifteen minutes of silence. She was now sitting on her couch, legs folded underneath her, facing him. He looked at her for a moment before shaking his head and walking around her side of the couch. As he passed her, their knees briefly touched and she was surprised by the tiny electric shock she felt. He sat down next to her but left enough space between them so they wouldn't accidentally touch. This used to be different. Usually he would sit as close as possible, their shoulders brushing with every intake of air.

She looked away, out her window where even at this time of the morning the streets were still filled with cars. It was a busy night. For a while she was fascinated by the lights that rushed by and her eyes were glued to the scene that unfolded itself outside. Then she felt his gaze heavily on her and she ripped her eyes from DC's streets to meet his. She couldn't quite place the look he was giving her. Describing it as sad would be wrong but it was far from happy. All she wanted to do was reach out and touch him and make that look vanish but instead she balled her hands into fists and let them stay in her lap.

"Would you, ah, like something to drink?" she tried again to get something out of him, even a simple 'yes' or 'no' would have done the job and made her worry less but instead he only shook his head in a movement she wouldn't have detected if she hadn't been that focused on him. She sighed in frustration and got up. Now she was the one pacing, but her eyes never left him even after he looked away. With a quick glance at the clock on her wall she realized that he'd already been there for more than thirty minutes and still hadn't said a single word. "God, just talk to me please!"

His head snapped up and for a second he looked like a scared child, eyes wide and glassy, before he focused on her again and swallowed once. This was really freaking her out. What could possibly have happened for him to be that…broken? Yes, that's what he seemed to be. Broken. When he looked away again, staying silent, she almost lost it.

"I am going to make some tea for myself. Do you want some too?" She wasn't surprised when there was no answer and she didn't exactly want to leave him in her living room all by himself, but she just needed to do something to distract herself.

In her kitchen she roamed through her cupboards in search for his favorite flavor and found it in the small blue tea box he'd got her for Christmas a couple of years ago. She owned a lot of such boxes but from the moment that she had unwrapped it, it had been her favorite. Just like she loved his favorite movies in her shelf more than her own and wore his OSU sweater to bed sometimes when she felt drained out from a particularly challenging case. Of course he was never to know that because it just wasn't the kind of thing they talked about anymore. Too much had happened in the past. But she would be lying if she said she didn't miss it.

She dropped the teabags into the hot water and added several spoons of sugar into his cup before taking it back into the living room together with her own cup. He didn't look like he had moved an inch and only his slightly shaky breathing and occasional blinking showed her that he hadn't died right there, sitting on her couch. She put the cup on the coffee table in front of him and sat down, closer than before. He didn't move to take his cup, so she reached out and handed it to him. She was almost surprised when he actually accepted it from her and raised it to his mouth, taking a cautious sip. His eyes closed and he sighed and some of the tension seemed to leave his body with every small sip of tea. She gulped her own drink down at once, too nervous and worried to even care about the sharp pain she felt in her tongue as the hot liquid came into contact with it.

As he finished his cup he actually moved to put it back on the table and reached out to take one of her hands in his. She looked up in surprise and almost pulled away in a reflex, but let him hold her hand in the end.

"I-"he started in a whisper but swallowed hard and she thought she could see tears glistening in his eyes for a second before he looked away. She gave his hands a reassuring squeeze, nudging him on to continue. He searched the room for a second but she didn't know what he was looking for. "I almost lost you."

His voice broke twice as he choked the words out and she herself was the one lost for words now. Their case had been pretty tough but she hadn't even for one second been scared for her life. "Tony, I was never in danger. Gibbs-"

He shook his head sadly, interrupting her. "I didn't mean today." His grip around her hand tightened and she felt like he was going to crush her fingers but she also knew that he needed the contact right now and so she let him hold onto her as if for dear life.

"Then what did you mean?" she asked softly when he didn't make any attempt to continue. He looked at her again and now she was sure that there were definitely tears in his eyes. She had never seen him cry before. Not after Gibbs got blown up, not after Jenny had died, not after Franks. Only once had his eyes been that dead, his expression that helpless…

He didn't have to say it for her to understand now. And she could finally make sense of his lack for words. She wouldn't be able to talk about it either. Even after more than three years the memories of that cell still haunted her and she still found herself waking up screaming sometimes, even though it was happening less frequently than it used to. She closed her eyes briefly, pushing the images that flashed through her mind away. When she opened them again his gaze was empty and he seemed to be looking right through her.

She raised a shaky hand, the one he wasn't holding on to, and brushed her fingers tentatively across his skin. His fingers tightened even more around hers for a second before he made a move to pull his hands away with a sigh. She stopped him, taking his right hand and lifting it, pulling it closer until she could place the palm of his hand right over her heart. She ignored it when she felt her heartbeat speed up at the touch and just held his hand there, breathing steadily in and out until he looked at her again with questioning eyes.

"I am here," she said softly, "I did not die back then. I am sitting here right next to you with my heart still beating."

"Only a day later and…" again his voice broke before he could finish the sentence and she just held onto his hand a bit harder.

"I'm here, Tony," she repeated, her voice gaining confidence, "Because of you."
He nodded hesitantly as if he didn't believe her words. They sat perfectly still, just staring into each others' eyes and listening to the other's breathing. She would have found it quite pleasant if it hadn't been so out of character for him to be that tense and on the verge of tears. When she couldn't stand the silence anymore she shifted into a more comfortable position, never taking his hand off her heart. "What happened?"

It was clear what she meant. Something had to have been triggering him or else they wouldn't be talking – or not talking -about all of this now, at 4 am on a Thursday night, after years of clamming it up inside and denying that it ever happened. He brushed his thumb absentmindedly back and forth over her skin; raising goose bumps in the process and making her suppress a shiver.

"I had a dream tonight, a nightmare," he stopped and searched her eyes for a moment in case she decided to laugh at him. She didn't even think about it. "We, Tim and I, we burst into that cell and that bastard just smiled at us. He smiled and said 'I have been waiting for you'. I was furious and started shooting at him until he dropped to the ground and didn't move. I still added another couple of rounds for good measure even though I was sure he was already dead and then Tim-"He seemed to be somewhere far away and she felt him starting to shake violently but she couldn't bring herself to move, in some state of shock herself. "He pointed in a corner and I couldn't see anything because it was so damn dark and I took a step closer and there were you, lying there with your arms and legs spread from you at impossible angles and all beaten up and bloody and…dead!"

The last part was such a low whisper that she had to read his lips to make out the last word. Tears were threatening to spill from her eyes and she bit down hard on her lower lip to keep it from quivering.

"I tried to revive you but there was no use and when I held you your body was cold and limp and far too light-"
Suddenly he jumped up and made a run for the bathroom. She didn't register that he was gone until she heard him retching from across the apartment and regained her senses. With a sniff she got up and walked slowly down the hallway. She stopped in front of the door to her bathroom where she covered her face with her hands for a moment, trying to stay strong for both of them. With a heavy sigh she laid a hand on the doorknob and pushed the door open when she heard the toilet flush.

Inside she had to swallow hard. He sat on the tiles beside the toilet, head leaning against her bathtub and sweat glistening on his forehead. She felt her heart break time after time with every tear that fell from his eyes. When he noticed her he quickly wiped a hand over his eyes and blinked a couple of times. With a weak smile she held a washcloth under running water and filled a plastic cup with the cold liquid as well before she knelt down next to him, handing him the cup. His attempt to smile failed but she appreciated the try more than anything. After he'd run out his mouth, he put the cup down next to him and she touched his shoulder lightly, making him turn his head towards her. She touched the wet cloth to his forehead and felt him relax under the contact. With a sigh he closed his eyes and leant his head back against the cold bathtub.

When she was sure he had calmed down completely again, she put the cloth away and stared at him for a moment before shifting closer and hesitantly leaning her head on his shoulder. In a reflex his arm came around her and pulled her even closer while she put her hands around his neck. She never knew how much she had missed having him this close until that moment and she suddenly felt like she could breathe again even though she hadn't known that she had suffered under the lack of air in her lungs.

"I'm still here," she whispered confidently and buried her face in the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply so she would never forget his scent again.

"I know," he whispered back before brushing his lips over her forehead in the mere ghost of a kiss. "I know."

TBC