Disclaimer: I don't own How I Met Your Mother.

A/N: An AU scene from 7x22: "Good Crazy."

Rap-a-tap-tap-thud. Rap-a-tap-tap-thud. Rap-a-tap-tap-thud.

The noise sounded as though an angry bird was repeatedly flying into his door.

Barney walked over to the door and peered through the peephole to see a red-faced Lily Aldrin standing outside and raising her fist to knock again.

"Lily, what a pleasant surprise!" Barney said, opening his apartment door. "What brings you here?"

"Ugh, Marshall's gone crazy," Lily groaned, striding past him and over to the kitchen, where she slammed her purse down on the kitchen counter. "He's going overboard with training regimens to prepare for the baby and it's driving me insane. You've got to help me!"

"But what can I do?" Barney asked. "Not that I don't sympathize with your plight, you understand."

"I need you to take him to Atlantic City and get him to freakin' relax," Lily said. "Also, I need you to bake me cookies, preferably molasses spice. And don't you try to weasel out of it; I know you can bake, mister!"

"Let's say I do this for you," Barney said slowly. "What do I get out of it, Aldrin?"

He raised an eyebrow lecherously, but Lily didn't laugh.

"You get to keep your balls intact, that's what you get!" Lily snapped. She took a deep breath then said, "Sorry, I'm just in a really bad mood. Marshall's suffocating me."

Barney shrugged slightly and said, "Well, love makes guys do some pretty crazy things."

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" Lily said, fixing him with an uncomfortably sharp gaze.

"Huh?" Barney stuttered.

"Look, I've been trying to stay out of your relationships," Lily said with a sigh, "but I can't do it anymore."

"Oh yes you can," Barney replied firmly, regaining his confidence. "What about your broath, huh? Huh?"

"I crossed my fingers with the hand behind my back and I crossed my toes," Lily said smugly. "Your little broath doesn't bind me."

Barney let out a gasp of horror that was only partially exaggerated.

"It's just… I think that you're making a big mistake with Quinn," Lily continued.

"I thought you liked Quinn now," Barney said with a pout.

"Oh, she's nice enough," Lily prevaricated, "but that isn't the point."

"Then what is the point?" Barney snapped.

Lily sighed and said, "The point is that you guys are moving way too fast. You only met this woman a few months ago and now you're living together and talking about marriage. Marriage!"

"Aren't you the one who said that when you know, you know?" Barney asked with a scoff. "Little bit hypocritical there, Lily."

"But that's the problem," Lily told him pityingly. "Can't you see, Barney? You don't know with Quinn and I think you know why."

"What?" Barney asked, frowning slightly. "That's crazy talk. Stop speaking in riddles, Lily."

But he felt his stomach sink in suspicion of what was coming.

"Fine," Lily said, clearly bracing herself. "Maybe you love Quinn, maybe you don't… I don't know. But I do know one thing and that's that you still love Robin. And marrying one woman while you're in love with another is a pretty shitty thing to do."

"I… I do not love Robin," Barney scoffed weakly. "Where are you getting this stuff?"

Lily just fixed him with a sad, knowing look.

"You've been telling yourself that a lot lately, huh?" she said. "But it's been getting harder and harder."

Barney's mouth tightened and his eyes darkened.

"My personal life is none of your business," he muttered.

"Of course it's my business!" Lily exclaimed. "You're my friend, Barney, and so is Robin, and the two of you are making each other miserable. Well, I'm sick of it! Enough is enough; you need to shit or get off the pot."

"What if I've already done both?" Barney asked in a quiet voice.

Lily's eyes narrowed and she said, "What do you mean?"

And so he told her the whole sorry story. When he'd finished, he said, "So what do I do now, huh, Lily? Am I supposed to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life just because she doesn't want me?"

"Of course not," Lily said, mind visibly whirring with the information she'd just received. "But you can't just replace her either. If you really want to get over Robin, you need a proper mourning period, not a blonde distraction."

"Quinn isn't just a 'blonde distraction,'" Barney said in pained tones. "I really do care about her."

"I'm not saying you don't, but I don't think you care about her as much as you think you do," Lily said carefully. "After you've had your heart and ego crushed, it's nice to feel wanted; it's easy to mistake that feeling for something deeper."

Barney frowned.

"What do you know about her, anyway?" Lily pressed. "I mean, really know about her."

Barney opened his mouth to speak but Lily cut him off.

"Besides the fact that she's a stripper," she added. "What's her favorite color? What was her childhood like? What are her hobbies? Does she have any allergies? Do the two of you want kids?"

Barney slowly closed his mouth.

"Look, remember when Ted and Stella got engaged and we were concerned because they didn't really know each other yet?" Lily said. "This is like that to the tenth power."

"Maybe we don't know each other very well yet," Barney said, "but isn't that what marriage is for?"

"No, it isn't," Lily replied, nostrils flaring. "Yes, you learn things about yourself and your partner when you get married, but that isn't a reason to get married!"

For such a petite and heavily pregnant woman, she bore a startling resemblance to a fire-breathing dragon in that moment.

"OK, OK, calm down Lil," Barney said.

She took a deep, calming breath and said, "I'm worried about you, Barney. It's like you're pretending that none of that stuff with Robin ever happened. It's unhealthy."

"Well what are my alternatives?" Barney asked bitterly. "Be an ass to her like Ted? Hole up in my apartment and bawl?"

"No, but you can't just stuff your emotions down and pretend that everything's fine, either," Lily said. "You need to talk to Robin and settle this once and for all."

"What good would that do? It'll just stir things up again," Barney said.

"Did you ever stop to think that that might be a good thing? Talking will get everything out in the open," Lily said simply. "You can't start healing until you've done that. And you never know, maybe both of you miscommunicated somewhere along the line."

"I think Robin's been more than clear about her feelings," Barney muttered.

"And I think that you don't have the full story," Lily replied. "Talk to her."

And with these words she grabbed her purse and swept out of the apartment.

The door had just slammed behind her when he heard it again:

Rap-a-tap-tap-thud. Rap-a-tap-tap-thud. Rap-a-tap-tap-thud.

"Yes?" he said, opening the door.

A somewhat sheepish-looking Lily said, "You are still going to help me with Marshall, right?"

"Yeah," Barney said, sighing.

Lily beamed. "Thanks, Barney! I'll send you an email with more information. And talk to her, for God's sake."

And with a brisk wave of farewell, she waddled off towards the elevator and out of his sight.