Holy whopper of a oneshot, Batman! I'm not kidding, though, this is easily the longest oneshot I've ever written, at twenty pages...Gee whilikers! Anyway, here's to you fellow Kingdom Hearts fans who were even a little disappointed by 358/2 Days, and to anyone who wishes these random characters were also in Kingdom Hearts...and to everyone who just wants a good laugh.

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Fullmetal Alchemist, The World Ends With You, Legend of Zelda, Final Fantasy VII, Sherlock Holmes, Star Wars, Pokemon, Twilight, Batman, Death Note, Mario, Blue's Clues, Final Fantasy V, Final Fantasy VI, Final Fantasy IX, Final Fantasy X, "Dynamite", or Beauty and the Beast. Just some DVDs and games and a motherload of memorabilia.

Rated T for violence, three uses of a certain anagram for Xemnas's name, and mild language.

This takes place after Roxas joined but before Xion was created.

The Organization Interviews

Interview #1: Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist)

The room was dark, creepy, and rather on the tasteless side - just like its lone occupant. Xemnas placed his gray cup of espresso on the gray table and took a seat in his gray chair. Actually, the only items in the room that weren't a shade of gray were Xemnas's cup of espresso, his black coat, and his fake-baked skin.

Xemnas placed a clipboard and a pen on the table, prepared to take meticulous notes in order to select the fourteenth member of Organization XIII. What they would do once they selected the fourteenth member - they wouldn't be thirteen in number anymore, but Organization XIV just sounded silly - was still a mystery to the Superior.

Well, no matter; it was time to scour for the newest member! "Come on in," he spoke into an intercom system. Moments later, candidate number one entered the cube of doom.

His bright appearance sharply contrasted with the room's dull features. A sleeved red cloak covered his rather short body, gloves of the purest white concealed his hands, a golden braid hung down over his back, and eyes of molten gold examined Xemnas with intense scrutiny. His footsteps sounded bizarre to Xemnas, as if one foot seemed to clank whereas the other just made a pat. He was probably just imagining things.

"Let's begin, shall we?" Xemnas asked as the teenage boy leaned back in a chair across from Xemnas, arms crossed. He tossed his feet onto the table, and again Xemnas heard the peculiar clank. "What is your name?"

The boy jabbed his toward toward his own chest. "The name's Edward Elric. And who're you?"

How very rude of him! Xemnas thought. Oh, the last thing we need is another Axel... "I am Xemnas, Superior of Organization XIII - OH, STOP LAUGHING!" Ed's genius mind had already pierced together a certain naughty anagram for Xemnas's name. "It wasn't even funny the first time someone pointed that out..." He consulted his clipboard of interview questions. "Anyway, do you have any previous job experience, Edward?"

Ed smirked slightly; it seemed to be his favorite facial expression. "Well, I'm currently an alchemist for the military of Amestris." He proudly waved a silver pocket watch for Xemnas to ogle. "Other than that, no. I've been in the same position since I was twelve."

Alchemy, excellent! The Organization needed more scientists like himself, Vexen, and Zexion. Xigbar, Xaldin, and Lexaeus had decent brains, but the rest were...lacking. Sorely. Also, the fan girls would squeal over Ed's bishonen young solider persona. "And what skills do you have?"

Ed began ticking off fingers. "Martial arts, alchemy, sarcasm, I can pretty much do everything under the sun."

The boy was perfect! Still, Xemnas had to be sure. "Edward, what would you consider your shortcomings?"

Xemnas, unlike a certain ice cream-craving, key-wielding blond in the Organization, retained full memory of his Somebody's life. He could still recall every emotion, from joy to grief to envy.

It didn't take a genius to realize Edward was experiencing pure, unadulterated rage, for the alchemist has only heard the evil s-word.

"SHORT? WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT, YOU JERSEY SHORE REJECT?" Edward clapped his hands together and pressed his left hand to his right arm, producing blue light, and Xemnas finally understood how a young brat (brat? Funny how, mere seconds ago, he had considered Ed a brilliant, wonderful chap) had succeeded in the military.

Ed's arm, which happened to be a metal prosthetic, had been transmuted into an enormous, fearsome blade, and Xemnas also remembered what fear was.

Ed continued to rant as he went off in pursuit of the fleeing Superior. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT FLEAS GO TO THE ED CIRCUS? WHOS' SO TINY THAT HE HAS TO HAVE TWO STEP STOOLS SO HE CAN USE ONE TO GET ON THE OTHER? WHO'S SHORT ENOUGH TO..."

Interview #2: Neku Sakuraba (The World Ends With You)

"Tell me," said Xemnas while he demonstrated multitasking skills by taking a swig of his third espresso of the day and adjusting the bandages on his forehead, "when did you go ginger, Roxas?"

The teen in sporty purple and white attire with gigantic shoes, enormous headphones, and obnoxious orange hair groaned, agitated. "I'm not Roxas!"

"Right. Sorry, Sora," Xemnas said, correcting himself.

Carrot Top bashed his head against the table. This was why he hated people! "My name is Neku. NEKU SAKURABA! N-E-K-U! Not Sora, not Cloud, and certainly not Roxas!"

Xemnas raised one of his silvery eyebrows, making the universal "Oh, really?" expression. "Tell me, do you have any other aliases?"

Neku gritted his teeth but marched onward. He really needed the munny. The CD shops in The World That Never Was refused to accept yen, and he had to concur that the Nobodies had excellent, albeit morbid, taste in music. "Phones, Orangey, Black and Blue, Blue..."

"Okay, Ventus-"

"NEKU!"

"Sorry, Vanitas-"

Neku huffed and stood up. "Screw this, I'll just look at the notice board and do that skateboard mail delivery!"

Yet another candidate stomped out in a huff.

Interview #3: Link (The Legend of Zelda)

Xemnas shakily set his mug of coffee on the table and eyeballed the young boy before him. A pointy green hat protected a blond-haired skull, a sword and a shield were carried on his green tunic, and he appeared to be wearing tights. How quaint.

"So, your name is...?" Xemnas queried.

"HUUUUT! HYAAAH! HIIIIH!" the blond cried in response, though Xemnas was unfamiliar with what language he was speaking. Blondie rose from his chair and added, almost like an afterthought, an additional "HEYAH!"

Xemnas recorded the answer verbatim, not pausing once to glace at the young'un, which he sincerely regretted once he gazed back up and feasted his eyes upon the boy hurling one of Xemnas's vases at the wall; it shattered with a series of tingles. "What're you doing to my decor?"

"HIIII! HRAAAAAAAH! HAAAAAAAAH!" the blond continued to howl as he obliterated the rest of Xemnas's furniture.

"Oh, for the love of..."

Interview #4: Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Xemnas and the fourth interviewee were already familiar. "You!" Xemnas bellowed furiously (or pseudo-furiously, rather). "You stole my thunder from my final boss battle!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes as he pranced over to the chair and popped a squat. "You merely failed to meet the standard I set."

Xemnas ground his teeth. Everyone in the realm of video games knew who Sephiroth was; people complained about his time-wasting Super Nova attack enough to make him infamous galaxy-wide. Sephiroth was aware of this, and the memetic awesomeness status had inflated Sephiroth's head so much that only space itself was large enough to contain his ego, and even that was debatable. He was always an annoyance at Villains Anonymous meetings.

Xemnas kept his cool. "Why do you want to join the Organizaton?"

Sephiroth was just as levelheaded as Xemnas. "I wanted health benefits."

Coming from the man who didn't even need to breath? Unlikely. Despite the annoyance factor, Xemnas did realize that Sephiroth would be a powerful ally, and the Organization could betray Sephiroth when the proper time arrived anyway! It was all like a game of chess; sacrifices would be necessary in order to win. "Okay, you're hired."

Sephiroth smirked. "The orchestra comes, too."

Quizzical, Xemnas inquired, "What orches-"

His eardrums were suddenly assaulted by a blast of music. "Estuans interius ira vehementi! Estuans interius ira vehementi! SEPHIROTH!" Indeed, Sephiroth had crammed his one hundred-man orchestra into the dinky waiting room, Latin choir and all.

"Oh, that orchestra..." Xemnas had a sudden change of nonexistent heart. "Never mind, you're fired."

No Organization member was allowed to have cooler boss music than the Superior.

Interview #5: Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes)

Xemnas's lip curled upward in distaste. This man before him has a HORRENDOUS sense of fashion! Gingham hat and trenchcoat of disgusting shades of green, brown, and red, and add that to the pipe sticking out of the man's pocket...well, this didn't bode well for the lanky, dark-haired stranger.

"Name?" Xemnas questioned.

"Holmes. Sherlock Holmes."

Sherlock...Xemnas didn't dare believe for a second that name would anagram well. Cokxresh? Locxkshre? Ay-ay-ay, what a nightmare! Even so, he dutifully jotted it down. "Areas of expertise?"

The man intertwined his fingers and leaned forward. "I am a master of the art of deduction, if I dare say so myself. You couldn't find a finer mind in all of London."

Xemnas would see about that. "Read me, then." He would beat this sucker, he swore to!

Holmes rose from his seat and gave Xemnas an up-close-and-personal examination. First, he lightly yanked at a strand of Xemnas's hair. Next, he upturned the bottom of Xemnas's designer cloak. Finally, after all this plus much rifling through pockets and peering into eyeballs, Holmes backed off. "My, my, this is simply bizarre!"

"What?" said Xemnas.

"Well," began Holmes, "for starters, your earlobes tell me that you are actually two different people, fused into one. You are a scientist as well as an evil mastermind, and in both fields you excel." Xemnas was openly gaping at Holmes's gall, but Holmes still prattled on anyways, smiling dryly. "You are a very dramatic, narcissistic man, lacking any emotion, and you have no friends, only pawns and foes."

Xemnas stood up forcefully, having a feeling that he should be feeling offended...if that made any sense. "That's enough-"

"You recently had a horrible run-in with spray tanning equipment, you have a secret fetish for elephant plushies, you're currently suffering a caffeine rush, you're in love with Ariel the mermaid-"

Xemnas bodily hurled Holmes from the room.

Interview #6: Darth Vader (Star Wars)

"You should know that this position requires occasional intense physical activity..." said Xemnas. "Your asthma will be a hindrance."

The man in the black hybrid of robotics and samurai armor, AKA Darth Vader, pounded his fist into the table, leaving an imprint of his balled up hand. "It's a respirator, you fool!"

"Sure..." Xemnas muttered audibly, scribbling the word "asthmatic" into an area designated for shortcomings on his clipboard. "Can you hold your own in a fight? Anything from sniping skills to virtuoso abilities can aid a member of Organization XIII, otherwise I would've shipped Demyx out on the short bus ages ago." He imbibed a portion of his ninth cup of joe, pausing momentarily to sigh with rapture. Caffeine was truly a holy drug. "List all skills, Vader."

Vader crossed his arms defensively, still seething over the asthma comment. "I am a user of the Force's Dark Side, the ultimate ally. I could strangle you to death where you stand, throw you out the window without laying a finger on you, or invade your innermost thoughts and rip out whatever I desired."

Xemnas could've sworn the room temperature dropped, because he shivered a smidgen as he wrote "mind rape" under Vader's skills. He'd have to talk to Vexen about fixing the thermostat.

"I am also a proficient swordsman-"

"Where's your sword?" queried Xemnas.

If Vader had eyebrows, he'd raise them. "What?"

Sheesh, was this Sith Lord clueless or what? "This is a JRPG series, you blundering oaf! Each sword has to be at least five feet by three feet minimum! For light's sake-"

Snap-hiss! Thrum... Xemnas dared not move, gaping at the lightsaber at his jugular. "The Sith have always used the lightsaber, the weapon of true mastery and prestige. Not that an ignorant dunce like yourself would-"

Vader backpedaled only just in time to avoid Xemnas's twin Ethereal Blades. "My condolences," Xemnas growled, "but that's my trademark weapon!"

And so an incredible duel ensued. It truly was epic; in fact, it was too epic for a simple parody oneshot on Fanfiction. All I will say is that it took Xaldin, Lexaeus, Saix, Axel, Larxene, and Roxas to break it up, and Xemnas had to go fetch another Starbucks for much required caffeine, each shot of espresso spiked with healing Hi-Potion.

Interview #7: Ash Ketchum (Pokemon)

Xemnas wouldn't lie: this boy would easily blend in with the other members of Kingdom Hearts's main cast. Big anime eyes, spiky hair covered by a red and white hat, bright blue vest, and a handy dandy green backpack. Also, the yellow mouse creature perched on his shoulder reminded Xemnas of Larxene, though he couldn't place his little finger on why.

He downed an entire cup of coffee in one fantastic swig and asked, with much energy, "Name, please? Need your name. Your name! Por favor, chico!"

The boy pointed his thumb at his own chest; the action reminded Xemnas of the red-cloaked imp from earlier, and he shuddered visibly. "I am Ash Ketchum, of Pallet Town, and this," he gestured to the yellow mon on his shoulder, "is Pikachu!"

"Pika!" Pikachu greeted the Nobody.

Ash was a bit too hotblooded for a Nobody, in Xemnas's opinion...meh, he'd be more emotionless after the heart extraction. "What is your current goal in life?"

"Well," Ash began, "I wanna be the very best that no one ever was!"

For Xemnas, this did not compute. "Wait, wait, wait, elaborate please because I am confused, so very bamboozled!"

Ash, inwardly, groaned. This man was so ignorant to the ways of a Pokemon trainer! "To catch them is my very test! To train them is my cause!"

Caffeine fueled Xemnas as he wrote this down faster than a speeding Gold Chocobo on speed and red mushrooms from Mario Kart. "Yes yes yes! And how will you accomplish this goal?"

Ash grinned, the idea of more adventure heating his very blood! "I will travel across the land, searching far and wide! Each Pokemon to understand the power that's inside!"

"That's so interesting, Mister A-"

"POKEMON! It's you and me!" Ash hoisted Pikachu above his head, letting the positive vibes of best friendship flow between them. Speaking of Pikachu, the adorable little mouse was shooting Xemnas a furious glare that, for some odd reason, seemed like a bad omen.

"Ash Ketchum, if you do not cease immediately I will-"

"I KNOW IT'S MY DESTINY!"

Xemnas summoned his Ethereal Blades.

"Pokemon! Oh, you're my best friend-"

"Shut up!" Xemnas cried, preparing to land a crushing blow to the Pokemon master. Unfortunately, Ash refused to concede to Xemnas's demands.

"IN A WORLD WE MUST DEFEND!"

It was unfortunate that Ash didn't stop singing...unfortunate for Xemnas, that is. Pikachu went into overprotective mode at that precise moment and transformed from cute, mostly harmless rodent of cuddliness into a vicious, pint-sized blood knight of extreme carnage. "PIKA!" A blue and white bolt of lightning sizzled forth from Pikachu and collided with Xemnas, instigating a large explosion. The blast had enough force to shoot Xemnas through the roof like a cannonball.

"Team Mansex's blasting off again!" Xemnas said as he hurdled away from the Castle until all that was visible was a bright twinkle.

Interview #8: Edward Cullen (Twilight)

Upon hearing from Xigbar that the next candidate was named Edward, Xemnas refused to see him, assuming it was the return of the lethal midget.

Demyx, who heard this bit of gossip from Axel, sighed with wonderful relief upon hearing it. His Somebody had read Twilight, and Demyx was still mentally scarred to this day.

Interview #9: Batman (Batman...duh)

Xemnas had seen the mother load of bizarre sights in all of his ten years of nonexistence: worlds consisting of chocolate and glue, whales in space, giant mice capable of human speech and unspeakable destruction, and Vexen in a bathrobe two inches too short for him. This, however, was a first.

"Why is your underwear outside of your tights?"

The shady figure in a bat mask, tights, and Kevlar growled in a deep, scratchy voice that sounded like he had swallowed sandpaper, "Because I'm Batman."

Xemnas got the gist of this. "Oh, you're a masked vigilante with a broken soul, fighting crime with all the angst you can muster!"

Batman huffed irritably, "Yes! I get it! I'm angsty! Now quit screwing around and get down to business!"

Xemnas, unfortunately for Batman, was still too intrigued by Batman's superhero feats. The caffeine only fueled his enthusiasm. "Which villains do you fight?"

Batman replied with his ultra gruff tone, "Well, there's the Joker, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, the Penguin-"

"The Joker!" Xemnas interrupted the Dark Knight rather rudely. Batman's shadowed eyes narrowed in distaste. "What's his power, anyways? Super speed? Mind control? Teleportation?"

Serious as ever, Batman responded, "He's an evil clown!"

Frankly, Xemnas was disappointed. This super tough masked man fought a maniacal clown for a living? That was it? "What, no actual powers? No magic, no mutation, no genetic enhancement?"

Xemnas's lack of respect left Batman flustered. "Well, err...he's a threat! Gotham trembles in fear at his name and, uh, that's why they deserve, not need, me. A hero they deserve. Dark Knight and stuff. Yeah."

Xemnas scratched down "inexperienced" on his clipboard. "What about you, huh? Powers? Powers? Powers?"

"I have a jet!" cried Batman.

"Powers?"

"And a glider!"

"Powers?"

"And a submarine!"

"Powers?"

"And a load of money!"

"...You're just a guy in a bat costume, aren't you?"

"...I can breathe in space!"

"Yeah...no. Get out.

Interview #10: Light Yagami (Death Note)

Xemnas, on impulse, cackled maniacally. "WOOHOO! You're the tenth interviewee person dude guy! Gold star for you, buddy!"

Light raised an eyebrow, but otherwise refrained from reacting to Xemnas's insanity. "Yes. I'm Light Yagami."

Xemnas rapidly nodded his head, to a point that his silver hair was a blur. "Cool beans, Light! So, yeah! Tell me aaaaalllllllll about the assets you will bring to the Organization and stuff like that crap!"

Light waved a notebook in the Superior's face. "This...is the Death Note!" he exclaimed, as hammy as to be expected.

Xemnas's eyes widened to the size of tennis balls as he applauded Light's hamminess. Grabbing some snacks, he said, "Go on! Go on! Show me more of the handy dandy notebook, Steve!"

"Excuse me? Steve?" Light questioned as he sat back down.

Sitting, however, proved to be a fatal mistake.

"It's the thinking chair, Steve! Think...think...thiiii-iiii-ink!" Xemnas sang off-key.

Light facepalmed. "You idiot, treating me like a child! Don't you know that I possess the almighty power to kill you without direct contact?"

"Blue skidoo, so we can too! Whoo!"

Light snatched up the Death Note and stormed out, already plotting vengeance. Xemnas, meanwhile, plucked up a potato chip and...

Well, Death Note and meme fans all know what he did then.

Interview #11: Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

The half-life for caffeine is approximately six hours. As one can tell, that much time had already passed since the first hectic interview. This dramatic decline in caffeine left Xemnas feeling worse than a kid who had just been told that Santa Clause isn't real and, to pour salt on the wound, the victimizer had told the child that he/she/it was going to be lunch for a velociraptor.

So he truly couldn't be blamed for being rather cross with Square-Enix's socially awkward poster boy, known to the masses as Cloud Strife. Cloud was wearing his usual indigo sweater and pants, with the famous Buster Sword slung across his back. Xemnas shot figurative daggers of irritation at Cloud's spiky blond hair. "What the -bleep- are you doing here, Blondie?" Too bad he was in a Disney game, else his curses wouldn't be censored!

Dear Kingdom Hearts, his temples were killing him agonizingly slowly! Caffeine withdrawal sucked!

Cloud set his bandaged Buster Sword on the floor and sank into his seat, reveling in its cushiness. "Um...hi. I'm here to talk to you?"

Xemnas snorted in ill humor. "As if!" And now he was emulating Xigbar? The crap? "What would YOU, Cloud Strife, world-renown emo mercenary douche-bag, possibly gain by joining our lowly ranks? You're already paid more than the entire Organization!"

"I, err, don't want money," Cloud sighed. He massaged his temples, trying to decide how to word his motives. "I came here because I want some help."

Xemnas banged his forehead against the table and gazed at his woefully empty coffee mug. "Help? They make support groups for people like you, not criminal organiza-"

"NO!" Cloud exclaimed. "I want to overthrow Square-Enix's executives!"

This was even more unexpected than a panda bear with Gatling gun arms waltzing into Starbucks and ordering Americano coffee. "What," was Xemnas's totally flat response.

Cloud sighed yet again. Where to start? Well, he would come out of his shell for one good tirade. "I thought you guys, of all people, would understand, what with the ludicrous amount of Kingdom Hearts spin-offs yet no true third title. Innumerable spin-off games tend to wear on somebody, and when a company tries to milk your franchise, plenty fans become hipsters and say 'it's popular, now it sucks!'

"I would be okay if it ended at that, but nooooo, I'm all emo and ultra-angsty in the spin-offs, ranting on about Sephiroth and my sins and despair! I'm Cloud Strife, I don't do that -bleep-! Angst isn't one of my hobbies! I'm just a shy guy who likes Chocobos, brunettes, and the word 'mosey!'"

Cloud fidgeted in his eat and scratched the back of his head. This long speech felt awkward coming from him, but he had to finish with his proposition. "It's not just me, either: Aerith, Kairi, and Terra Branford feel their aura of innocence is overdone in spin-offs; Yuna thinks her attire in X-2 is too skimpy; the entire cast of Final Fantasy IX wants their own remake; and Gilgamesh just wants to cause some anarchy and acquire more swords.

"So here's the deal: You and the rest of Organization XIII help us get executives who will remake our good old games instead of releasing Final Fantasy XIII-5, stop making me emo, and restore character rights, and we'll get you your own series...Are you even listening?"

Xemnas had fallen asleep, aching terribly from his crash. Cloud threw his hands up in the air (though he didn't say "A-oh, gotta let go!"). "Aerith, it's a no!"

Aerith peeped in, in the midst of cleaning black Heartless slime off her quarterstaff. "Kay!"

"Let's mosey!"

Interview #12: Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

Xemnas wouldn't be sleeping during this one. After Cloud had left, Saix had marched into the room, slapped Xemnas awake, and sneered at him for losing the best potential member they had seen all day. Hopefully the Red Bull Vexen had literally injected into the Superior's veins would keep the gears in Xemnas's cranium whirling. "So, Gaston, what are, in your opinion, your best qualities?"

Gaston flexed his muscles, making one of his overdeveloped biceps wink at Xemnas. "Well..." he entered Disney song mode, a visible change in which the background transforms from one's actual surroundings into a series of mind-boggling scenes that one would normally only experience while on acid.

"No one's smooth like Gaston! No one grooves like Gaston! No one's great at spit shining their shoes like Gas-"

"NO! NO. MORE. MUSIC!"

Interview #13: Alphonse Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist)

Xemnas had always considered Lexaeus big, but that brute was like plankton compared to the seven foot colossus in armor before him now. The giant's soul fire eyes seemed to be staring into the depths of Xemnas's nonexistent soul, sensing that Xemnas's core was blacker than the devil's stool sample.

As you can tell, the Red Bull was already wearing off and was causing intense paranoia. "Name?"

The armored man shifted with a few clanks in his too-teeny chair. "I'm Alphonse!" he said in a high voice that echoed within the armor.

Geez, did this guy lose his manhood or something? "Previous occupations...sir?"

"None."

"What are you, a bum?" said Xemnas with disgust.

"I'm only fourteen!" Alphonse explained defensively.

Huh. That explained the voice. "Haven't hit puberty yet, huh?"

Al shrugged. "I never got the chance."

...What the heck was that supposed to mean? "Well, what would you consider your strengths?"

Al shrugged, tilting his helmet as if deep in thought. "Well, I know martial arts and alchemy-"

"Second alchemist I've seen today," Xemnas muttered.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing!" said Xemnas. "You just remind me a bit of someone I saw earlier today, only taller and a whole lot nicer..."

Al shrugged. "Okay..."

"Now," Xemnas, for the umpteenth time, consulted his clipboard. "Who would you say is your biggest influence?"

For this question, Al actually had a straight answer. "That's easy: my older brother Edward! Edward Elric...Actually I'm pretty sure you already met him..."

Xemnas brought his pen down on the paper and began to write that down. Edward El...

Wait. Wait one frickin' minute...

ELRIC?

Speak of the devil, the door banged open, and Ed himself sprinted in. "Al! You won't believe what I just heard in the city about this guy harvesting souls..." He trailed off upon spotting Xemnas. "YOU."

"What?" exclaimed Al, sitting up faster than Xemnas's eyes could track.

"Meep!" Xemnas went. Getting into his defensive stance, Xemnas summoned four of his crimson energy bolts. "Stay back, you little creep!"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP, FOR THE LAST TIME-"

Xemnas fired the bolts, with varying results. Bolt number one zoomed right toward Ed, but the blond alchemist dodge rolled, clapping his hands in the process and constructing some cover for himself; bolt number two careened harmlessly over Al's head; bolt number three only hit the ceiling; bolt number four, though, succeeded in knocking off Alphonse's helmet, sending the boy soaring backwards.

Ed leaped up from his cover and caught Al's helmet. "AL!"

Xemnas chuckled and flew over to the armor. Looking inside, he found...

Absolutely nothing. Even so, a voice issued from within its bowels, "I'm all right, Brother!" The armor sprang to its feet, and Al walked over to Ed to get his helmet back.

Xemnas did what any other brave, bold member of Organization XIII would do in that situation: he ran away shrieking like a baby without milk as Ed hurled spears at him. He did hear tidbits from the brothers about the Philosopher's Stone and human transmutation and himself...whatever that all meant, but he cared not for anything but his own skin.

Vexen carefully examined the test tube, which was frothing with a light cyan foam. Ah, today was a great day...aside from injecting the Superior with Red Bull, which was a process he never wanted to repeat again. After all, the injection had to go through one's butt...

The door of Xemnas's laboratory crashed open, and Xemnas dashed in, quickly shutting the door behind him and bolting it. Annoyed, Vexen asked, "What is your prob-"

Xemnas darted over to Vexen, grabbing him by the shoulders and throttling him. At this close range, Vexen could make out various cuts, bruises, and breaks galore, but Xemnas only screamed, "Here's a bright idea: how about we just MAKE a new member instead of interviewing those NUT JOBS!"

Then he passed out from exhaustion.

And that is the story behind Xion's creation.

Will Light succeed on his quest for vengeance? Will Cloud overthrow the Square executives? Will Link ever stop breaking pots? The world may never know!

EDIT: Did anyone catch the use of the word "tingle" in the Link section? I only caught it after editing for grammar errors months after publishing. Tingle...how we Americans dislike you.