Chapter Fifteen

"I want you to do the breathing therapy I showed you every morning," Dr. Pitt told Tony. "I also want you to use hot water and eucalyptus in a bowl breathing it in with a towel over your and your head over the bowl. It works to open up the lungs and loosen phlegm. Otherwise your lungs are in good shape."

"Okay, doc," said Tony without much enthusiasm.

"Now," Brad said then he turned to look at Ziva, "I hear he is staying at your place until he gets a new apartment. Make sure he eats properly and gets rest. His body took a lot of trauma and we want him back to one hundred percent."

"I will take care of him," Ziva said.

"Well, I'll get your paperwork and you are free to go," said Dr. Pitt, who then exited.

"I need to get dress," he stated it simply.

"I'll step outside," Ziva said and stepped out of the hospital room and into the hallway.

Tony was still distant with all of them, though he had at least started to engage in some conversation. His walls were up high and thick and getting through them wasn't going to be an easy task. It was as if he didn't trust anyone anymore.

"You can come in," he yelled.

Ziva re-entered the room. Tony was dressed in jeans, OSU tee shirt, and a leather jacket. He had gained a few pounds back in the hospital but he still looked too thin.

"Come, Tony, let me take you home," Ziva said.

NCIS

Ziva showed him into her spare room. Her apartment was located in Reston, VA. She lived in alcohol distillery converted into apartments. It was a roomy two bedroom with exposed brick walls and hardwood floors. Her piano was in the corner of living room and there was even a TV and Blu-ray player, things her old apartment didn't have. They were there because of the influence of Tony who got her interested in movies, not all movies like him, but in some movies.

Tony had never been to this apartment of hers. The last apartment he had been to of hers was in Georgetown and Mossad helped pay for it and he killed Michael Rivkin there. Mossad blew that one up. After that incident he never even asked to see her new apartment and when she had a house warming dinner, she didn't invite him and he didn't complain this time that he wasn't invited. He understood that they had a baggage to deal with.

Their history with each other was deep and often painful. Now Ziva regretted never inviting him to this apartment because the moment he entered it he seemed uncomfortable in it. It was as if he thought he didn't belong there and she wanted him to belong there.

"After I talk to Vance and see if I have a job at NCIS, I'll start looking for a place of my own," he told her, as he put his bag in the corner.

"Tony, please unpack. Gibbs has already left some of your suits, shirts, and ties in the closet. You can stay here as long as you want," Ziva said.

"No," he snapped. "I really need a place of my own."

"I want you here, Tony," she said.

"Thank you, but I like being alone," he said.

"Director Vance told me that he did expect you at NCIS for a therapy session tomorrow," she said to him.

"Fine. Do you mind if I have some privacy?" he asked.

"Okay," she said then shut the spare bedroom door leaving him alone in there.

He was far from himself. Ziva refused to think of him as a defeated man, but then again she couldn't phantom living as he did for as long as he had. She had gone through torture and things in Somalia that made her want to die, but she came to a sense of peace there and was ready to die. He did not seem at peace as he seemed broken.

She took her smartphone out to call Gibbs as she promised him she would.

"Gibbs," he answered.

"I have him home," she said.

"How does he seem?" he asked.

"Gibbs, he seems like a shell of the man he was," she said.

"Rachel Cranston warned me that he might be like that. She said what they did to him would have re-enforced every negative thing that happened to him as a kid. He always had problems with guilt and self-worth but now she's afraid those perceptions have been cemented," Gibbs said.

"I am not going to give up on him, Gibbs," she said.

"Then you'll be the one to bring him back," Gibbs said then hung up.

The rest of the day and night she waited for him to leave his room but he never did. When she woke the next morning, he was already gone. He left a note telling her he had taken a bus to NCIS.

"Damn it," she mumbled.

NCIS

Rachel gave Tony a long appraisal. Gone was the defense of humor and the many masks he'd slap on to hide behind. He no longer needed masks to hide, she thought. He no longer even bothered with masks.

"Tony, do you still want to be a special agent?" she asked him.

He looked at her with an expression of surprise then thought about it.

"I don't know," he finally answered.

"You know you didn't deserve what happened to you," she said.

"I didn't deserve it but I walked into it. That says something about me," he said.

"You did that for someone you love," she said.

He didn't respond to her but looked down at the floor of the room they were in. The indoor-outdoor carpet was beige and ugly.

"I want to get back to work. I need something to do and I'm a cop by nature. It's who I am," he said.

"I could recommend that you work cold cases for a while once you get the okay from doctors. We can do therapy sessions in the morning and then you can work cold cases until you're ready for more. How does that sound?" Rachel asked.

"That's sounds fair to me," he answered.

"Not fine or peachy?" she asked.

"I haven't been fine or peachy in a long time," he admitted.

"Good. I'm glad you can admit that, Tony," she said.

"Rachel do you think I'll ever sleep without nightmares?" he asked.

"In time," she smiled.

"I'd like to just get to that point. That would be enough for me," he said.

"I think we can do better than that," she said.

NCIS

Tony sat in Vance's office as Vance read Rachel's recommendations. He nodded to himself then put the folder down and looked at Tony.

"OSP DC wants you back. Your people want you back as SAC. I was thinking of turning the SAC position into a non-field position and just letting you run the operations. Would you have a problem with that?" he asked.

"No, I wouldn't. I want to get back to work, but I don't necessarily have to go back out into the field," he said.

"There was a time when you were a field agent and only field agent," Vance said.

"Times and people change. I could be an office bound special agent in charge, especially when it's something like OSP," he said.

"I agree with her recommendations to a point. Instead of cold cases, I'd like to get you back involved with OSP DC. Ast. Director Granger has been running the office without you," Vance paused and searched for the right word, "gone. Do you mind working beside him for a time?"

"No, sir," he said.

"Once you get the medical okay then therapy sessions in the morning and working yourself back into OSP," Vance nodded.

"Thank you, sir," he said.

"You have a bit of back pay coming to you. I recommend you go to personnel and get those checks released," said Vance.

"Good. That will let me get an apartment of my own," smiled Tony.

Tony got up and exited Vance's office, walked past Cynthia and stood on the mezzanine taking a deep breath. Below him Abby, Ziva, McGee, Gibbs, and Orr spied him. They waited for him to come down but instead of walking down the steps, he went to the elevator down from Vance's elevator and pressed the button. The doors opened and he got in.

"He avoids me in my apartment," Ziva said. "He went into the spare bedroom when I brought him home and never came out."

Gibbs heard that and sighed. He couldn't let Dinozzo continue to live in his shell.

"Ziva, go out for a drink tonight with Abby," Gibbs said. "I need to talk to DiNozzo."

He got up and walked away. Abby broke out into a big smile, while Ziva stared at Gibbs' empty desk.

"He'll fix him," Abby said.

"I hope so, Abby," Ziva said.

NCIS

Tony grabbed a sandwich and soup at a local dinner then returned to Ziva's place. She wasn't home when he entered which was a relief. He didn't want to talk about what happened or have people feel sorry for him. He'd rather avoid people then have to be stared at with sympathy or be asked about it.

"Enough hiding, DiNozzo," Gibbs said to him as he came out of the kitchen.

Tony had almost jumped out of his skin as he saw his boss with a mug of coffee in his hand.

"Not hiding, Gibbs," he said.

"Yes, you are. You're hiding from yourself, form what happened, and form those who care for you," he said.

"I don't want to do this," Tony stated.

"Too bad because we are doing this," Gibbs snapped. "You survived, DiNozzo. You did more than survive; you beat him. Lapin is dead and you're not. That's worth celebrating not avoiding," Gibbs said.

"He took something from me, boss, and I don't know if I can get it back," said Tony.

"What did he take from you, Tony?" Gibbs asked.

"He took my ability to protect myself. They ripped it away from me, all my fucking ways of keeping the pain away, and they ripped that away from me," Tony said with his voice filled with pain.

Gibbs understood this. He had his ways of keeping the pain away.

"Tony, they didn't take everything, but you are letting them take everything," Gibbs said.

He walked over to Tony. Placing his mug down, he didn't bother to ask, or wait, but he wrapped his arms around the younger man and hugged him like a father hugs a son. Tony started sobbing. He buried his face on Gibbs' shoulder, who gently patted his head.

"Let it all out then move on. It's what we go. We get up and we move on and do what needs to be done," Gibbs told him.

"Boss, they hurt me," he cried.

"And we took care of them. Now come back to your family. Stop avoiding us," he said.

"Okay, boss, okay," he continued to cry and Gibbs held onto him.

NCIS

Ziva got into her apartment there was a note waiting for her from Gibbs.

He's on the mend. Take care of him.

Gibbs.

She read it and smiled. Walking down the hallway she got underdressed, grabbed one of Tony's OSU tee shirts that she had gotten in the habit of wearing to bed while he was gone, and slipped into bed. She wasn't sure what time it was when she heard the cry, but she knew it was Tony.

Bolting out of bed, she grabbed her Sig Sauer and rushed into the spare bedroom. He was lying there sound asleep wrestling with the sheets and a nightmare. In the blue darkness of the bedroom, she could see he was sweating and in anguish as he relieved what happened to him and tried to deal with it in his sleep.

Ziva placed her gun down on the bedside table then sat down on his bed. He continued to move thrashing about in the bed. She could see the permanent scars on his back and ribcage and wanted to kill Lapin again and again, for what he put Tony through. Caressing his face, she tried to calm him.

"It's a dream, Tony. Wake up. It's a dream," she said.

She knew something about nightmares that could almost destroy you. She dealt with them after Somalia.

His eye shot open and he stared at Ziva. She wiped the sweat away from his brow.

"It is alright. You are safe here with me," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, as if it was the first thing that popped in his head.

"There is nothing to be sorry for," she said. "I am here for you."

"Jesus, I really have a get my own place if I'm going to end up having nightmares that made you scream," he said.

"You don't have to leave here," she said. "I'll help you deal with them."

He sat up in bed and stared into her eyes. There was a time he'd have felt like the luckiest man in the world to have Ziva in his bed, but now he was no longer sure of himself.

"You don't have to," he said quietly.

"Yes, I do," she said.

"Why?" he asked as he stared into her eyes and saw something, there he had always wanted to see.

"Because I love you, Tony," she said then kissed him.

It was a simple kiss, a slight pressure on the lips, yet it broke a dam of bent of passion. Tony brought his hand up to the back of Ziva' head, interlaced his fingers in her hair and drew her mouth back to his then he devoured her mouth. They kissed deeply and until their lungs needed oxygen then they separated to fill their lungs with air.

"I shouldn't have done that," he said.

"Yes, you should," Ziva replied in a hoarse voice then she kissed him again.

He lay back down and she joined him in the bed. This was the start of his healing and something more. Pain was still there but Tony felt something stronger than pain pushing it aside to make room for her. As they kissed and slowly discovered each other neither one of them had the feeling that they would be sleeping alone again. It had been a long time in coming but Tony and Ziva were finally together.