Dude, Where's My Cereal?, a gakuen alice fanfic

Something I thought of on a 30-minute ride home because I was dizzy and nauseous from consuming too-greasy peanut butter M&M's (again, BLECH) plus now it's summer so I guess 3:23 AM is a perfectly reasonable time to be finishing up some unfinished fics (also meaning that I more or less was too lazy to proofread this and stuff lol good night)

Yeah ok.

Dude, Where's My Cereal?

by foxtrotelly

Ruka wakes up to the sound of loud banging on his bedroom door.

BANG! BANG!

"Ruka!"

He checks his clock, and the digital 7:00 AM burns red behind his eyes when he attemptsto close them again and go back to sleep.

"RUKA, YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

Rolling over, the accused traitorous bastard sighs. Dragging himself out of bed is tedious, and so is throwing on a shirt as he shuffles five feet towards the door.

Ruka opens it, and as he does, he is greeted by none other than a very upset-looking, bed-haggard Koko holding what seems to be a Kellogg's Coco Chex cereal box. "And what pleasure may I do you for this wonderful Sunday morning, Koko?"

He holds up his cereal box. "Care to explain this?"

Ruka rubs an eye absently, leaning heavily against his doorframe. "Well, for starters it's a monkey eating a bowl of Coco Chex, but let's not even get started on the mere probability of an ape having an apparent liking for cereal and base—"

"Not the point, Nogi," Koko snaps impatiently. Admittedly, his sudden formidable aura takes Ruka by surprise. Not to mention the sudden last-name calling. (Sheesh, cold much?)

"—ball caps..." Ruka continues, uncertain on how else to respond. They stare at each other for a stretched moment until Koko re-furrows his brows and grits his teeth:

"The box is empty, Ruka. "

So that's what it was. Oh.

...Oh.

He is in deep trouble. Though he isn't at apparent fault here and just so happens to be trapped under siege alone, still Ruka fears for what Koko may have in store for him.

It all started when they became roommates the start of freshman year, actually, and it wasn't until four and half months later that he realized one vital precaution, save for the dirty socks and discarded Trigonometry homework all over the place, in living with Kokoro Yome: Never, and he means never, finish his cereal.

And being well into their sophomore year now, Ruka could claim witness to Koko's immediate and unanticipated revenge on those who have wronged him on this sacred ordinance. Mochu, for instance, suffered a slipper beating on the first occasion he had eaten all of Koko's Cap'n Crunch. One minute they were playing video games, the next Koko already had him pinned face down to the ground, footwear-to-the-tuckus, repeatedly screeching, "YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN ALL MY CAP'N CRUNCH!"

Another time was when Sumire Shouda from Communications had unconsciously munched on his Low-Fat Cheerios until there were none left and Koko came on to her with a full-on smack on the lips ("With tongue," Koko had proudly disclosed to them afterwards) until she ran out of the room, screaming hysterically. Given, this showed just how relentless Koko could get on his culprit, regardless of gender, college course and personal relationship status.

"Look," Ruka begins carefully, holding up his hands in innocent surrender, "I didn't—and I repeat—didn't, finish your Coco Chex."

Koko exhales a breath and laughs, uncharacteristically grim. "Like you and I both don't have a single blonde hair on our heads. Like Mochiage isn't bald. And like I'm actually an illegitimate child of the Emperor of Japan off a lowly servant girl, destined for greatness from birth to save our empire from the clutches of evil." He chuckles darkly again. "Real funny, Nogi. Real funny."

By that time, Ruka was already inching his way out his room and safely away from Koko. His back now on the recliner in their living room, he continues backing away from his friend. Koko, however, also continues following him, taking numbered yet ominous steps towards Ruka.

"Let's try talking about this rationally, ok?" Ruka offers, his hands still held, palms out, before him. It isn't long before he finally feels the cold marble of the kitchen countertop against the small of his back. Koko further advances at him, but Ruka is quick to leap over the counter and across to the other side. The former boy mirrors the latter as he makes a move to his left, then his right, then his left again until Ruka bore a resemblance to that of a corralled chicken.

"Like you were rational last night when you finished my cereal!"

Ruka stops at this. Koko was missing a big point here. "But, Koko—"

"That was a really shitty move, Nogi, a really shitty move!" Koko snarls. "Don't think—"

Ruka still tries his best to stall. "Look man, I'm sorry about the cereal. Say you and me go down for coffee and waffles—"

"WAFFLES ARE WAFFLES AND CEREAL IS CEREAL! They're fucking not the same, Ruka!"

Keep calm, Ruka reminds himself. He'll spring at the slightest hint of panic.

He has to think fast. He can't let Koko sense his fear because Koko can in fact smell fear (really, he had this way of sniffing you before he jumped you) and the moment Ruka starts thinking he's guilty was the moment Koko springs into attack.

Because without a doubt, Koko was a ruthless killing machine the moment he was deprived of his multigrain.

"O-ok, how about I go down to the store and get you some more Coco Chex, huh? Then maybe so mi—"

Koko screams bloody murder. "YOU LIE, NOGI! The store people told me they wouldn't be restocking til next Tuesday, you flipping liar!"

"But—"

"NO MORE EXCUSES, TRAITOROUS BASTARD."

"I was at Kitsuneme's party last night too, ok!" Ruka exclaims.

"PREPARE TO— Wait, what?" The hellish, white-hot fury on Koko's expression dies down just as fast as it blazed up, like a large bushfire suddenly doused by much rain. He slumps from his position that was ready to strike at Ruka just a second ago. "You mean that you weren't here at home last night to finish my cereal?"

At least Ruka finally got across. "I wasn't."

Koko reverts partially to his murderous self, making Ruka flinch in turn. He narrows his eyes. "Prove it."

"Last night you and Mochu laughed because you were both wearing striped sweaters then you sang that Spongebob song that says the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time," Ruka quickly supplies.

"You could've seen us in the hall before we left," Koko readily counters.

"Sumire Shouda was wearing a frilly pink top that you unknowingly said she looked cute in," Ruka tells him, undeterred.

"Lucky guess. Next."

"I helped Tobita clean his shoes after you threw up on them."

Shame flashes across Koko's face.

"And I dragged you back here again at the end of the party," Ruka goes on. Koko opens his mouth to say something, but Ruka lifts a finger to silence him. "Because you were so drunk that you apparently hit on Hotaru Imai then she bonked you upside the head when you turned around, making you lose consciousness."

"Again," Koko deadpans. "I always hit on Hotaru at parties, remember? And it's always your job to bring me back to the dorm so," he reassumes his glare, "that is not enough, Nogi."

Think, Ruka, think.

"Kitsuneme served fried Cheetos."

"Kitsuneme always serves fried Cheetos," Koko explains. "Dude, he even served them when his parents came over."

Ruka has to distract him until he could prove his innocence. "What? No! What kind of son would even—?"

"And the guy wonders why his folks think sending him to college was a joke!" Koko remarks.

"Nah," Ruka disagrees, "I actually think Kitsu's got some purpose to live up to."

Koko raises an eyebrow. "That purpose being...?"

"Making people think, you know? With all the philosophical stuff he gets from his existentialism and theology classes," Ruka says.

"Well if you say so. He does make me ponder sometimes about the infinitesimal human being as but a grain of sand along the beach shore that is the universe."

"Not to mention the invariably consequential effects of every action, be it minute or colossal, made by every person on the natural balance and order of things?"

"Plus," Koko adds fervently, "the presence of a greater being and plan behind every event in time." He shakes his head in what was almost disbelief. "Sheesh, that kid sure is full of ideas."

"Think about it though: has a day ever passed when he didn't spout some little nuggets of theories that constantly made us conclude that he'd been taking trips to "Room 420" after each class to help him "breathe in" the essence of all the stuff he's been learning?"

"Yeah," Koko replies, tracing an imaginary pattern on the countertop between them rather thoughtfully. "I do smell it on him when he— Wait a minute."

"Uh..."

"I smell a diversion, and a glutton," Koko spits venomously. He leans forward, sniffs at Ruka and gets ready to—

"Crested ibis!" Ruka calls out and points to the window. True enough, the bird perches on their ledge, pecking at its wing.

"Where?" Koko's head whips at that direction. "I— Holy smokes, that is one beautiful bird!"

"Right?" Ruka jives. "What do you think that little fellow's doing right smack in the middle of Tokyo though?"

"I don't know, but seriously man they haven't bred that much these past few years and although their numbers are steadily increasing in China their lacking population here could still really do things to Japan's ecosystem and..." Koko trails off, his eyes returning to Ruka, narrowed. "You're sending me off track!"

"What? No...I— That bird could be hurt! We have to do something, Koko!" Ruka gestures an arm towards the window, but Koko grabs this with a vice grip and twists it in a painful angle.

Ruka gives a strangled cry and Koko returns this with a darkly satisfied smirk. "Hurts don't it, Nogi? I feel the same way too about you hogging down my breakfast."

Gritting his teeth in pain, Ruka looks around the room to find anything that could possibly save him at the last possible minute. Koko's hold on him is so strong he just knows that would definitely bruise later on—given if he could still be conscious to know then.

"Any last words, traitor?" Koko asks harshly. "Before I knock you out into 5 PM this afternoon?"

"46!"

"What?"

"46!" Ruka blurts out again."Those are the last two digits to Anna Umemomiya's phone number."

Koko's angrily bemused expression remains intact. "What?"

"...which you were never to decipher on that wet table napkin," Ruka adjoins.

Koko's face looks less mad and more perplexed. "How did you..."

"You fancy her, right? Umemomiya-san from Culinary Arts?" Ruka wheedles. Koko's fingers loosen around his arm the slightest bit.

His friend blushes pink. "A-as if you don't fancy Mikan Sakura from Humanities!" he returns, clearly flustered.

It's now Ruka's turn to go red. "That was grade school, Koko!"

"I'm sorry; didn't," Koko amends sarcastically. "Bah! But enough distraction," he says menacingly. "One jump, and I have you, Nogi. One jump—that's all it takes."

Which is true, because in one move Koko could easily have Ruka in a sleeper hold, what with his arm already locked in Koko's deadly clasp. Already the feeling in it is slowly vanishing, numbing...

"YOU'LL PAY FOR YOUR HUGE MISTAKE, NOGI AND—"

"Would you two buffoons just shut the hell up?"

Both boys crane their necks to get a view of where the voice came from in the spot on the floor by the coffee table being blocked by the sofa. When he sits up, it is revealed to be none other than a very dishevelled-looking Natsume.

"What?" he gruffly acknowledges the other two's gawks of astonishment. "I didn't make it to my room last night, ok?"

A minute drags on in the room.

"And by the way we're out of cereal."

You know the world would considerably be better if the GA canon had more Koko and Ruka dynamic in it plus if we all got to eat good cereal for the every day of the rest of our lives.

And just to share, my favorite cereals are Coco Chex and Banana Nut Clusters.

Reviewwwwwwww?