So, my friend and I got into a conversation about Final Fantasy XIII-2, and it led to the amazingly ridiculous story you are about to read. This was not meant to be serious or in character or completely accurate to the game, so don't read it with that in mind. Enjoy!

Noel held Serah, tears in his eyes, as she exhaled for the last time. He took in a heart wrenching breath and screamed her name, his voice cracking from agony.

"SEEEERRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He felt his lungs drain as he uttered her name. He looked back down at the scantily clad pink-haired girl. "Now I'll never get it in." He sniffed. He held her limp body close and imagines how he could have totally taken her at almost any time; she was so naïve and stupid.

"Uh, Noel?" Noel looked up to see Hope, his luscious white hair blowing in the wind as his sea green eyes studied the handsome Noel.

"What is it?" He asked, still holding the dead Serah, still regretting not doing her in Oerba or Bresha or even the Coliseum.

"This is probably a bad time to mention that I'm sexually attracted to you." Hope looked down, a bit saddened.

"Yeah, probably."

"Would it help if I could, like, get a Serah wig or something? They're only like thirty dollars online." Hope scratched the back of his neck, searching for a solution. "I'd get a good one, not a bright pink one in a crappy ponytail. It'd be almost the same, kinda."

Noel studied Hope's face for a moment longer before looking back down at Serah and feeling her hair. She hadn't showered throughout the duration of the game so her hair was really greasy and gross.

"Yeah, just make sure it's clean." He pushed Serah's corpse off of him and got to his feet, brushing himself off. "Let's get out of here." He grabbed Hope's hand and together they skipped off toward the distance.

Lightning and Snow appeared, laughing about how the timeline is all good now or something.

"I really have no idea how anything happened." Lightning said.

"It was too confusing to keep up with; all I really care about is screen time." Snow shrugged. "The timeline storyline is a total bust, but it kept the sequel afloat and made more people buy the strategy guide."

"Definitely a wise marketing move." Lightning nodded.

"And Serah's DLC outfits, totally hot." Snow added and Lightning shot him a look.

"She's still my sister, that's one thing a confusing storyline can't change." Light barked, Snow cowered. They finally arrived at Serah's dead body and stopped.

"The fuck?" Snow said.

"MY SISTER!" Lightning dropped to her knees and held her dead sister.

"Is dead." Snow added, oh so helpfully.

"Shut up. My sister…" Lightning's eyes began to water.

"Is totally dead." Snow added again. "Can I keep her body?"

"What the fuck?" Lightning got up quickly, knocking Serah's limp body hard to the ground. Blood starts to leak from her face from the impact.

"Well before I would always hurt her during-"

"Shut up!" Lightning cut him off.

"It'd just be nice not to hear screams while I-"

"Snow!"

"What can I say? I'm fucking hu-"

"PLEASE SHUT UP!"

They stood there for a moment, looking at the now bleeding Serah.

"But seriously, all I need is ten minutes." Snow added quietly.

"You're a sad, sad man." Lightning stated before turning away and seeing a flash of light. A person walks forward from the light.

"Lightning?"

"Caius?" She asked, stunned. Snow kneeled down to Serah. "How are you here?"

"Even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand. This timeline shit is crazy as balls." He said in his deep voice. Snow silently picked Serah up and started to inch away from the duo.

"I understand." Light said. "But why are you here?"

"Will you please just do me already?" He whined, purple hair flapping in the wind.

"This is how the whole feud between us started! Won't you ever learn?" Lightning crossed her arms.

"Please! All I need is ten minutes." He got to his knees.

"Dear lord, fine. Let's go." Lightning started to walk away, with a cheering Caius in tow.

One Week Later

Hope got his Serah wig, even though the site said it would come in 14 business days. He somehow went through time again and got it quickly. Noel decided he didn't want fake Serah hair and told Hope to get real Serah hair or he wouldn't sleep with him. So Hope went to Snow and asked to shave Serah's head. Snow agreed, saying that he was taking a break from her. So Hope washed her hair, shaved it, and then wore it.

He got laid.

Serah's body was later found on the shores of New Bodhum, her head shaved and her body mysteriously split in half. Snow was nowhere to be found. He's assumed to have gone back to Sunleth Waterscape to continue his affair with the somehow surviving Giant Flan.

He got laid.

Lightning quickly got sick of Caius, and their angry sex turned into an angry murder. Caius was found where Serah's body was dumped, with no head. The villagers from Oerba began to call her the Praying Mantis. Lightning travelled there and ruled the villagers as a God.

We can assume she got laid too.

The world became less annoying, more confusing, and ten times more sexual for some reason. Noel and Hope later discovered fanfiction and began to write their own. Hope's first publication was a story called More for Hope, where he gets laid many times.

Noel thought it was funny, so he told Hope to get the wig on once more for sexy times.

The End.

Yeah, so there's the ridiculous ending I had promised, with a bit of self-promotion. I hope you enjoyed this pointlessness.