Chapter 2: Soap Operas and Mayonnaise

The Dark Lord Voldemort was sitting in a chair in the middle of the main room, watching a soap opera with a glass of tea in his shakey hand.

'Please don't do this! I didn't know he was your brother!' A Latino woman said on the screen.

"She did too know! The lying harlot!" Voldemort spat at the television set, spilling his tea on his lap.

"Master," Severus said quietly, "Could you please stop with the yelling?"

"I am not yelling, Severus! I am giving a personal commentary on the show."

"My Lord-"

"Just shut up and eat your mayonnaise!"

"My… my what?" Severus asked confused.

"There, in that cup." Voldemort said pointing to Severus' cup in his hand filled with… mayonnaise?

"My Lord, this is puddin-"

"I don't give a damn what it is! I am trying to see what happens!"

Voldemort scowled at Severus and then went back to watching his show.

'Marissa? Why is my brother Todd here?'

'I- he was just visiting-'

'Charlie? So it is true! You're dating my brother!'

{"Nagini!,"} Voldemort called in Parsteltongue, {"Come watch the show with me, my love!"}

{"Yes, master."}

Nagini came from under the sofa an slowly slithered to Voldemort's chair and into his lap.

{"See here Nagini? Marissa was caught in the act by Charlie! Todd had no idea!"}

{"Oh. Sorry master but could you tell Severus to hurry up and eat his mayonnaise. The smell is obnoxious."}

"Severus," Voldemort called, "Hurry up and eat your blasted mayonnaise!"

"It's not-"

"Just hurry! The smell is getting to Nagnini!"

Severus held his tongue and ate the rest of his pudding rather fast.

'Todd! No! Not this! We can work this out! He's your brother!'

'Shut up, bitch! I'm just getting rid of some… competition.'

BANG

'Charlie! No!'

The Dark Lord chuckled, "That's right, you harlot! She got what she had coming to her!"

"I'm leaving." Severus said shakily getting up to his cane.

"Take your mayonnaise cup with you!" Voldemort said not taking his eyes off the television screen.

"Pudding!"

{"Nagini, I am really glad I have you as a friend. All these fools give me headaches."}

{"Your welcome, Tom."} Harry said as he took Severus' empty chair.

{"Potter. If I weren't in the middle of my story-"}

"Did Todd find out?" Harry asked suddenly.

"You… You watch 'Wandless' too?" Voldemort asked.

"But of course! Marissa is so hot and that one girl! Muy caliente!" Harry said easing into the chair.

Voldemort looked from Harry to the television screen and sighed.

"So, tell me what's happened." Harry said when a commercial brake came on.

"Marissa was with Todd and then Charlie came over. Now Todd has killed Charlie and Marissa's second cousin Elizabeth came up pregnant with Charlie's twins."

"What? Man… I liked Charlie."

"Which is why he is dead."

Harry scowled at Voldemort then turned his attention the television to watch the show.

"Here you are." A healer said handing Harry some vanilla pudding.

"Thanks!"

{"Oh, not more of that retched stuff!"} Nagini cried.

{"Potter! Either leave or rid of the mayonnaise!"}

"Mayonnaise? This is pudding!"

"What?" Voldemort looked back at Harry and eyed his pudding cup skeptically, "Lucius told me it was mayonnaise so I gave him mine… THAT LYING WANKER!"

Harry began laughing at the sight of The Dark Lord getting to his walker and scooting to the back of the room where Lucius and Narcissa were doing a puzzle.

"Lucius! I demand your pudding for the next week for the trick you pulled!" Voldemort said.

"What trick, My Lord?" Lucius asked examining a puzzle piece.

"You told me that the pudding was mayonnaise so you could have mine! You're a lying wanker and you should be castrated!"

"… for cheating you of pudding?" Narcissa asked.

"Yes!"

"Fine, My Lord. You can have my pudding for the next week."

Voldemort faltered, not expecting such a prize in pudding, "Yes. Well, I'll be going back to my show now."

Voldemort scooted back to his chair and eased into it sighing with contentment.

What do you think? Review please?