*Slowly crawls out of bottomless pit* I LIVE! *Collapses on the ground* So yeah, heh, it's uh been a while *cough* yearandahalf *cough*. How's everybody doing? I have no excuse for the loooooooooooooong lack of updates except that GROWING UP SUCKS! But I'm slowly waking the plot bunnies up from their hibernation and hopefully we'll be posting these chappies on a (somewhat) regular basis. I just want to send the biggest thanks to all the readers who have kept with this story; you all are amazing, there's no other word for it.

Sorry if the flow of the chapter seems off, I'm just getting back into the swing of things. And sorry for any and all grammatical errors.

I don't own Transformers.

That whole "trying to find a middle ground with the Decepticons" thing that I'd thought of earlier? Yeah, I didn't think that was going to cover Knock Out. Because I really wanted to beat the crap out of that medic. When he wasn't making death threats at me and blaming the whole situation on me, he was whining about the lack of light or bemoaning the fate of his paint job. And Primus and Gaia forbid that anything worse should happen to it. We had stumbled into this one cavern that's roof, from the sound of it, was covered in hundreds of bats. And where there are bats there is sure to be bat poop. Guano. It's a fact of life. Apparently nobody told Knock Out this and boy was he not a happy camper.

"How long have we been stumbling around here?" the red mech demanded, as we trudged out of the smelly cavern, the 'Con now sporting a layer of fresh bat fertilizer.

"Just over three hours." Breakdown sighed, even his patience was starting to wax thin for his friend.

"Three hours? That can't be right! It feels like it's been weeks, months, years even, since we've last seen the sun."

My left optic twitched (don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him), but I kept up the pace, leading them through the dark with my heightened senses. "If you keep up that chatter this'll be over a lot sooner but not in the way you want. The basilisk may be attracted to artificial light but even if it had the worse sense of hearing in the entire monster kingdom it could probably find us with your blabbering."

From somewhere behind me, Knock Out's engine revved threateningly. "Well since you seem to know so much about this thing, why can't you kill it? Or are you Autobots too soft to even exterminate a monster?"

Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I told you, it's a friggin' catch twenty-two."

"Not that I know or care about human phrases, but what's a catch twenty-two?"

"It's a novel by Joseph Heller. Kinda funny actually." Breakdown said.

A long stretch of silence followed.

I heard the big mech shuffle self-consciously. "What?"

"You read?" Knock Out asked in disbelief. "For fun?"

Breakdown grumbled something unintelligible.

"Well, it also describes a paradoxical situation, like the one we're in." I said. "In order to kill this thing I need to be able to see it, but if I look at it and even so much as glimpse at its eyes…"

"You'll be pushing up lugnuts." Breakdown finished.

"Exactly." I sighed. And those were my chances if the basilisk could even be killed with dragon fire. There was so little information on the creature, really only theories at best, so if the snake was flame-retardant, we were screwed.

"Well I've had just enough of crawling through this cave like a grungy scraplet." Knock Out snapped. "We're getting rid of this thing now!" He turned his headlights on, high beams and all.

I hissed and covered my optics from the sudden light. "What the flying frag are you doing? Shut those off!"

"I want this over and done with!" the irate medic yelled. "So here I am! Come and finish me off."

Breakdown grabbed his friend. "Have you fried your processor?" He struggled to hold on as the vain mech flailed his arms.

A soft hiss could be heard in the distant end of the tunnel.

"Quick, knock out Knock Out." I squeaked.

"Here snakey, snakey, snakey!" Knock Out shouted.

The hissing got louder and much, much closer.

I'm not proud to admit that a small whimper escaped me right then. "Ok, you've had your nice little vacation from sanity, but now we really need you to come back to your senses."

"No!" the medic shoved me away. "If I have to live looking like this," He glanced down at his guano cover chassis and shuddered. "Then I don't want to live anymore!"

Breakdown rolled his optic and looked at me. "Well, you gonna take care of this?"

"Pardon?" I squeaked, most rational thought leaving me as the hissing continued.

The large mech pointed down the tunnel. "It's coming up the same way we were; it's a straight tunnel, a clean shot. Do what you need to do."

"R-right." Trying (and failing spectacularly) to calm my nerves, I shifted into alt mode, trembling from my snout to the tip of my tail. The hissing was coming directly in front of us, down the darkened tunnel. By all accounts it should've been an easy shot to make.

But when has anything in my life, ever been easy?

I opened my jaws and a small shower of sparks flew out.

"Well that was rather anticlimactic." Knock Out grumbled, now calmed from his hissy fit.

I shot him a panicked glare then tried again. There was a gurgle somewhere in my internals. The hissing got closer, and my throat cables tightened in fear. I made a sound similar to a cat coughing up a hairball and spat out a few more sparks.

"That can't be good." Breakdown muttered.

The hissing sounded more like a roar now, and from the light of Knock Outs high beams I caught the faintest glimmer bouncing off of oily scales.

That did it for me.

I spun, transforming as I did so, and bolted down the opposite direction. "Run for it!"

The Knock Out and Breakdown followed my lead, and we booked it out of there like characters that Michael Bay was planning on killing off in a spectacularly explosive manner. Knock Out still had his high beams on, but at that moment I couldn't have cared less. We stumbled down the passage ways, taking one turn then another.

I caught sight of an opening with a massive boulder beside it. "This way!"

We dashed through; I turned and threw my weight against the boulder. Breakdown came up beside me and together we managed to block up the entrance. Knock Out flicked off his lights and the three of us stood motionless, listening to the sound of a massive body sliding past our hiding place. The hissing slowly faded away.

I sunk to the ground and rubbed my face. "That was bad."

"No that was pitiful." Knock Out spat. "That was pathetic. That was positively—"

"Ok, ease off." I picked up a stone to throw at him then stopped.

How could I see anything?

Knock Out lights were off yet I still could see the outlines of him and Breakdown as well as the cave. The chamber we were in seemed massive at first, but upon closer inspection I saw that the stone here had an almost mirror-like quality though much of it was covered in grime and other cave sediment. Glancing up, I saw where the dim light was coming from and for a moment I thought we'd somehow wound up outside.

Far above us, the ceiling of the cave was covered in thousands of glowing dots. A whole set of stars twinkling hundreds of feet beneath the earth. After a moment of staring, I realized that these points of lights were ever so slowly moving. "Glow worms."

"Huh." Breakdown gazed up at the miniscule creatures.

"Yes that's all very well and fascinating, but those squishy little organics can't help us find a way out of this pit-forsaken cave." Knock Out snapped, he turned to me. "Since we obviously can't depend on you to off this thing, is there any other way take down this basilisp?"

I rubbed the space between my optics. "Basilisk. And just..just give me a few minutes to look over what I have, alright?"

I opened up the monster encyclopedia file and skimmed over the information on basilisks, not that there was much to begin with. Every single person that wrote anything on this creature wrote the same damn thing: big ass snake, impervious to almost everything, dragon fire might be able to kill it but if not, you're screwed, good luck. It was on my third time reviewing the entries that I noticed a small blurb, not even a paragraph worth of data, in the file for the king of serpents. The few sentences were written by an unknown Spiritus in the late 17th century.

My colleagues do not concur with my theory on why the basilisk keeps to the shadows. It does not use the complete dark merely as tool for the hunt, but to keep it from using its own weapon against itself. Surely, if the basilisk kills with its eyes then would it not, when catching a glimpse of its own reflection, shrivel and die like the wretched worm it is?

A basilisk wouldn't be able to stand the sight of its own reflection. It seemed like a grounded enough theory and perhaps the only one that might get us out of here alive. Only problem was I wasn't in the habit of carrying full length mirrors around with me, and as vain as the Knock Out may be, I doubted the medic carried a fun house worth of mirrors with him. I glanced at the cavern walls; although the stone was somewhat reflective it was too dull to be of any use. I sighed and slumped against a stalagmite.

Breakdown sat down beside. "Anything?"

"I'm afraid we're a few pieces short of a whole puzzle." I sighed.

Knock Out opened his subspace and withdrew a rag and container of polish. "Well, if I'm going to offline here, at least I can go to the Well looking somewhat presentable."

From the miniscule light provided by the glow worms, I watched as the medic wiped away the muck on his forearm then, dipping the rag in the polish, slowly rubbed the cloth against his armor. Soon his finish gleamed dully, reflecting the pinpricks of light on the ceiling.

Reflecting…

I stood so quickly I almost got a head rush (or whatever the Cybertronian equivalent of that was). Marching over to Knock Out, I snatched the cloth from him.

"Hey what—"

"Can it." I rubbed the rag against the cold stone; Breakdown stood behind me, peering over my shoulder. After several minutes, and some serious elbow grease, I could see myself staring back at me in a near perfect reflection. "I think I've found our mirror."

Breakdown withdrew another container of polish from his subspace. "It's a good thing that Knock Out makes me carry a spare."

"Will it be enough?"

The big mech grinned. "With this stuff a little goes a long way."

"Do you two mind? I'm trying to look decent for my execution!" Knock Out huffed.

"Your finish can wait." I handed the rag back to him. "Right now these walls need more polishing than you do. I have an idea that just might get us out in mostly one piece."

The medic groaned and dropped his head into his servos. "Primus please, don't let me offline helping in this harebrained Autobot's scheme."

Several hours later I stood in the tunnel a couple dozen yards from the entrance to the glow worm chamber. The Con's were in position; all that was needed was for the bait to lure in the prey. Said bait was desperately trying to take deep, cleansing breaths in order to slow her pulsing spark. After this was all said and done, a trip to a shrink might be in order. With a quick shake of my head, I squared shoulders; time to channel my inner Indiana Jones. If he could handle his fear of snakes then I could at least attempt to.

One more deep intake, then a flipped on the makeshift flashlight (made out of one of Breakdown's headlights, they needed to give this guy a raise). "Hey, worm! Let's see who's the superior monster: the dragon or the slimy snake!"

Nothing. Not even the slightest hiss.

I began to wave the light around, swinging my arms light airport runway director. "Yoohoo, Snakey! Come get a nice bite of Val!" that last bit came out in a bit of a squeak. "Come on you legless lizard! Your mother was a warty toad and your father was nothing more than an idiot rooster that obviously couldn't differentiate between species." Not the most biting of insults but apparently it worked, at least, judging from the angry hiss echoing from the other end of the tunnel.

Good thing to know: basilisks don't like cracks about their parents.

Every instinct in me screamed to run, but I held my ground, pointing the beam of light down at the tunnel floor. The hissing grew louder and soon I could pick up the accompanying stench. I locked my limbs and began to count: one, two, three…

The tunnel echoed with the sound of scales slinking over rock.

Four, five, six, seven…

A wisp of hot, fetid air brushed against horn sensors.

Eight, nine, TEN!

I spun and took off back towards the cavern with the basilisk right on my tail, literally.

I stumbled past the opening. Breakdown and Knock Out waiting in their alt modes, facing the cave walls "You guys ready? All optical sensors off?"

"Yes!"

"Then let's light 'em up!" I shouted, and ducked behind the massive boulder that had been our door just as something large and scaly slid through the entrance.

With a rev of their engines they fired up their headlights. I shielded my eyes as the beams bounced off the walls and lit the whole chamber. A stuttering hiss of surprise was the only sound that the basilisk emitted. My spark sank; the plan had failed.

My horn sensors twitched as I picked up the sound of a high pitched whistle, almost like the sound of a steaming kettle, fill the air. An ear-splitting shriek echoed through the cave. Something hard knock against me, sending me tumbling. Without thinking, I looked around to get my bearings. My optics locked onto the giant form in front of me.

The creature's scales were a death grey and vomit brown color that covered a massive body that was at least two meters thick and a dozen yards long. As if on their own accord, my optics traveled up its body.

It had wings.

Grimy, molted chicken wing-like appendages that flapped uselessly against its body. From there, scales gave way to mottled grey feathers that covered the basilisk's head. Though most of it was on fire now, the source of the blaze was its eyes which burned in either socket. The serpent writhed on the cavern floor, curling in on itself as flames raced down its body. With one last screech it exploded into dust, leaving behind nothing more than a pile of ash and feathers.

I walked over to the pile and poked it with my tail. "Uh, you guys can look now."

Breakdown and Knock Out transformed and slowly crept over to the remains.

"That's it? After everything we've been through all we get is a pile of ash for a trophy?" Knock Out huffed.

"I don't know about you, but I'd rather not have any reminders about this little outing." I sighed.

Breakdown rubbed the back of his helm. "So, heh, do either of you remember where the exit is?"

I'd never thought the moon had ever been so big, like a giant white bowling ball glowing in the Texas night sky, as I crawled my way up out of the cavern. And the air, it was amazing how sweet it smelled when not laced with the odor of bat crap. I crawled a few measly feet from the cave entrance before I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stars, finally being able to relax.

That was, until a crackling energon prod was hover directly above my optics.

I just groaned. "Seriously?"

"This," Knock Out seethed. "has easily ranked into my top five worse days in existence! And it's entirely your fault!" The glowing weapon sunk a little closer.

"My fault? You got yourself stuck in this jam, I tried to help!" I snapped.

"Lot of good you did!" The prod now hovered directly between my optics, so close I had to go cross-eyed to see it.

A servo was placed on the irate medics shoulder. "Knock Out, let's just go." Breakdown sighed tiredly.

The red mech glanced back at his companion incredulously. "But she—"

"Just leave her be."

"But she's an Autobot, I mean; we have to at least attempt to kill her in a painful manner." Knock Out whined, but he pulled his weapon away.

Breakdown shook his head. "We'll call it even, alright? Besides, the sooner we get back to the ship the sooner I can get you cleaned off."

Those words had the magic effect on the medic; he flicked his weapon off and sauntered off as only one could whilst cover in a half inch thick layer of bat shit. A moment later a groundbridge whirled to life in front of him. "Coming?" he called over his shoulder.

Breakdown just huffed, sparing a glance at me; he nodded once then followed his companion into the swirling green vortex.

Groaning I closed my optics and just spaced out for a bit. After a few minutes a soft tap drew me out of my stupor. I looked to see Rhapsody hovering above me, a quizzical look on her elfish face.

"Between you and me, Rhap, this hasn't been one of my finest moments. I got my aft saved by a can of polish. Let's not tell the others about this."

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

(Dirty little secret)

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret."

I gave the pixie-pod a weak thumbs up. "You got it, partner." I slowly stood up, feeling a thousand years old and smelling worse than a port-o-john at a heavy metal music festival. "With any luck, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-don't-you-dare-touch-my-paint-job would repress all of this unpleasantness and we could get back to killing each other." I sighed.

"The Union of the Snake is on the climb

It's gonna race, it's gonna break

Gonna move up to the borderline."

Rhapsody went to settle on my shoulder but took one look at my less than appealing appearance and instead, hovered around my head.

I opened a comm. Link. "Ratchet, I need a groundbridge."

A moment later the swirling green vortex flashed to life in front of me. Dragging my pedes, I slunk through the bridge. Ratchet stood on the other side. He opened his mouth, but after giving me a once over just grumbled: "Be sure to scrub in the seams, you don't want any buildup."

I trudged through the halls of the base with one destination in mind: wash racks. I may not have been as vain as Knock Out but I was quite certain that being covered in bat poop and cave debris did not rank too high on the hygiene scale. And a nice long, hot shower was about as welcoming as, well, a long hot shower would be after running through a maze of caverns.

If I hadn't been so tired I would've come up with a better anecdote, but right then all that was going through my mind was, lather, rinse, and repeat, lather, rinse, and repeat. I nearly mowed down Optimus in my hurry.

"Val how was—"

"Don't wanna talk about it." I called over my shoulder. "I just hope I never see another snake ever again."

"What—"

"Never again!"

Optimus strode back into the main hangar to find Raf studiously scrutinizing every nook and cranny of the area. "Is something the matter, Rafael?"

The young computer genius looked up, glasses askew, from where he had been peering under the couch, a concern frown etched on his face. "I'm looking for Reggie."

"Reggie?"

"He's the class pet; each of us takes turns taking him home and caring for him. My family isn't too big on animals so I thought I could keep him here for now. But he got out of his tank." Raf gestured to the small terrarium that sat on the table. "And now I have no idea where he went."

"I will help you look, but I advise you not to bring any more animals into the base. Ratchet is already displeased about our resident coyotes." Optimus said.

The boy nodded. "Thanks Optimus."

The Prime turned to begin his search but paused. "What exactly is Reggie?"

"Oh, just a little old king snake."

Optimus froze. "A snake?"

"Yep."

"Then we must make haste, if Val were to stumble across—" He was interrupted by a piercing shriek that echoed throughout the base. "Too late." The great Prime sighed, his broad shoulders slumping. "Come, Rafael, we shall see if Agent Fowler can buy you a new class pet, one that is, perhaps, a bit more sturdy."

And that's all for now folks. I'll get to work on the next chapter of Darby Family Vacation. Hopefully I'll have it up in a day or two. Again, thanks to everybody who's stuck with this story.

Songs used:

Union of the Snake by Duran Duran

Dirty Little Secret by The All-American Rejects

Reviews are always welcome (even if you just want to yell at me for the hiatus).