AN: In the name of The Morgan let there be silliness... and murder(s)... and many naked Fae (jk?).

Already nearing the end of the abysmal mire that had so harshly assaulted their senses for at least the last hour the agitated, slightly cold, definitely wet... 'thank you four foot deep submerged fucking path twenty minutes back' ...Jade declares bitterly, "I hate swamps." Glad to see the thin forest greeting them.

In near perfect unison Kyle and Erika shapely agreed, "Seconded."

"No opinion." Tori states, whilst easily being the driest one present thanks to Jade lifting her nearly completely overhead earlier. Seeming to magically sense Jade's silent response she continues, "Don't look at me like that, I can't see or pretty much feel anything, so no opinion." Though she could still smell it, that part wasn't ever going to leave her memory , and before her transport could voice that part of this merry walk through nature's cesspit, the d-mage gets to the bit she thought they might have needed, "However, Jade?"

While thoughtfully considering what she might say to Tori's ridiculous disagreement with the suckiness of the swamp she thoughtless responds, "Yeah?"

"Have you been feeling me up?" Tori delivers in the most straightforward, no nonsense tone she has ever used.

For a second Jade has trouble processing what in the hell she was just asked, "Wha-what?"

"I think it's a perfectly valid question."

"How?" The d-knight barks indignantly.

"I can't feel anything below my neck. Or see." Objectively these would be pretty good circumstances in which an unscrupulously person might take advantage.

Irately the goth mocks, "So of course the first thing I thought was, 'hey, groping time.'?"

"Yep."

At that Jade realized what her cargo was doing, and smiled inwardly as well as out, but speaking cavalierly , "You realize you don't have a lot to actually grope, right?"

"Meanie." Tori breaks her facade with an out-stuck tongue.

With a sinister grin Jade adds, "Hey, don't get huffy with me because you didn't get your sister's assets."

Despite not being able to see her Tori whips her head up to look right at Jade, and furiously growls, "You've checked out Trina!?" How could she betray their sacred relatively new friendship that was less friend more ship... but whateves that's not the point, the point is this is a massive breach of relationship les-be-lovers trust.

Knocked off-guard by the intensity of what she could swear was genuine hurt in the spell-castor's voice the swordswoman-to-be answers, "What? No."

There's an uncomfortable pause in which Tori accesses her own words and reaction... and slightly blushing tries to get back on track, "But you just said." Even if it's super awkward for all involved, perhaps except for the silent duo, who both choose to remain so... for now.

"I'm merely stating the obvious." Pretending the outburst totally didn't happen.

More composed, yet still a bit red eared, she huffs, "You better be glad we aren't a couple, because I would so totally deny you stuff."

"Like?" Jade entices teasingly, rather enjoying the reddened bits... but not for the reason she would normally enjoy someone else's discomfort. However she was in no way going to overthink it, because... 'nope'.

"Like..." Tori finds herself scrambling for what she would be denying her, and finds herself a tad more embarrassed as she begins actually picturing things you shouldn't with a person you know, totes rude that. Eventually she just stammers out, "L-l-like... things." While starting to wonder when she started imagining these kinds of things... 'talk about oral no problem, actually think about it... oh chiz.' ...and how she would know the logistics of those things, since they had never crosse... 'oh, right, that movie that... that might have been porn... yeah, thinking that was porn now. My god, I watched the whole thing... How?!'

Before Jade has a chance to say anything, almost assuredly naughty, Erika bursts out laughing uncontrollably, doubling over and nearly falling down. And even if she had she would have most likely been rolling around in the mud still laughing.

This unexpected blessing provided Tori with a massive sigh of relief as Jade turns her attention to the laughing fool's bestie, "Uh... is she okay?" Partially wondering if maybe the swamp was giving off Ventec goofy-gas.

"Erika?" He asks tentatively, fearing a mental breakdown brought about by the lovers seemingly constant disregard for the danger they were still in simply for their antics.

With a big stupid happy as hell grin the mermaid chuckles out, "Sorry, I just..." Pausing to fight a new wave of hysterics as she catches the duo looking over at her obliviously, getting out, "...they're just so..." Unable to stop herself she keep laughing. Eventually she regains a fair bit of composure, "Sorry, I couldn't stop. My sides are kinda hurting here."

Tad bit annoyed by the outburst, Jade begins, "Okay, and why the fuck did you..."

However the blonde cuts her off sharply, "I don't know, you two were just being so stupid and flirty that I..." Erika bites back a snicker, "I couldn't stop myself."

Smirking rather joyfully himself, Perk infers, "Unreal levels of fuck it?" Very happy she went the other way of a mental breakdown.

"Yeah." Not wanting to mince words here, but she wasn't suicidal. However if those two idiots can word-bang each other like a TV detective and medical examiner eye-sexed, when death could be looming then sure, fuck it all let's live!

"She's fine. We're good now." He gives a reassured nod to the two still bewildered pair.

In what can only be described as cosmically amusing a stalker had been perched atop the branch of a sickly beech tree just ahead of them for the last few minutes. His lips had curled into a delighted little grin as he enjoyed watching, with sharp inhuman eyes, the exchange of his soon to be victims. Deciding that they were just about done, and given the earlier stunt he probably shouldn't keep the audience waiting, so he announces his presence with a loud clear, "Well that's sweet, buuuttt..." And perhaps it was the look on Erica's face when she registered the extra being's location that caused Jade to react to him with a quick turn and a fireball... or the wind shifting and her nose catching his scent.

Regardless if he wasn't at least semi-prepared for it he might not have been able to avoid it in time. Recovering from the gentle jump to another branch he turns back to them, sharing a toothy grin, "Not too bad. But really if that's the best you got, then this is going to be a really boring game."

"We have not yet begun to remodel your insides!" Tori barks.

He might not get much out of the fighting, but this whole situation was at least entertaining for him, so net gain, "You got a purrty mouth." Because yeah, this guy is about as original as Ray's.

"It'll look even prettier covered in your blood." Tori snarls as Jade re-positions her so that her back is flush with Jade's chest and their arms are sorta intertwined, so that she can hold her up, while interlacing their fingers.

Mildly confused and slightly more amused he inquires, "What are you doing now? Puppet show?" As he leans a shoulder against the tree, sleeveless arms and combat boots crossed.

Not one second after landing his shoulder to the bark he scurries to leap away from the tree before a massive blue fireball blasts it in half, the top half crashing into the murk. Twisting around from his panicked landing he shouts, "Fucking cheap shot." Only to have Jade, minus Tori, slamming her shoulder into his chest. The force of the sudden impact threw him back, landing on his stomach he began gasping for air.

"Nothing I do is cheap, fuckface." Jade bites, as she slyly snatches up the gun that fell free from the back of his cargo shorts, where it was haphazardly holstered. As he rolls over she greets him with two JHP rounds to the face, "And that's why we don't break the number one rule of survival..." Pausing for effect, "...Don't fuck with Jade West!"

Despite knowing that Jade had fired two rounds from a handgun, but not knowing they were fatal, then again given the circumstances it was a fair bet they were, she interrupts Jade's moment, "Excuse me?" Laying on the muddy ground haphazardly, chest down face to the side.

Rolling her eyes with a slight smile she amends, "Don't fuck with Jade and Tori West..." Then corrects, "I mean Jade Vega..." Or rather tried to, "I mean... Fuck it! The moment's gone. Thanks, Vega!" Growling in frustration, for more than one reason honestly.

"Welcome, luv." Dropping her smile, she offers more seriously, "He's dead right?" Better safe than sorry.

After a fireball that effectively incinerates his head, and removes the hoodie bit of his sleeveless hoodie, she answers, "Yeah, lootin' time." Then proceeds to see if there was anything else on his body that could be of use to them, magic stuff, map, com device, more ammo, anything would have been nice... 'except condoms, because eww, sick fuck.'

"There are no words." Kyle vocalized the basic sentiment he and Erika had for what just happened, 'Stalker shows up, gets blasted at by massive fireball, survived only to get slammed by Jade... who moves waaay too fast, then killed by her like it was her job... like she's actually an effing assassin or something, fuck.' True besties pretty much react the same way to crazy shit... that's probably why they're besties... right?

"Could someone pick me up?" Tori inquires, as she begins to taste swamp... 'Fuck this place, hard.'

Back at the Stalker staff tent the onsite dickbag... I mean producer, had his eyes glued to the monitors, "That didn't just happen? Tell me I'm seeing shit, and that didn't just happen." He pulls his eyes away to glare at the others present willing them to tell him that he had a stroke and it wasn't real.

Unfortunately for him the answer was, "No, sir. We saw it too."

"They just... she..." He pauses to regain his composure, "She just killed a stalker in record time. With his own fucking gun." Like totally what the actual fuck?

"Talk about owned." One of the more seasoned personnel offers.

"No shit." Another brave soul replies.

"Wh-what do we do?" The poor bastard that was closest to the dickba... er producer asked.

"We..." He pauses , reconsidering stabbing him in the eye with his own thumb, instead ordering, "Cut to the others." As he moves away, trying to think up what to do with these annoying fucking contestants, "We need better stalkers."

"He was Kiithe." The vet informs.

Semi-disregarding whatever the vet said he barks, "I don't care if his ancestors fucked razor wolves for fun he just got dropped." Narrowing his gaze he demands, "In fact hunt down and kill his family." Redirecting back to the problem at hand, "Where's Dave?"

"Dave's not he-"

"Fuck him. Cain?"

"Busy."

Growing more agitated, "Rooster?"

"Crapper. And he's Niage. So that's going to take some time." As the vet answers the poor bastard nearest the producer jumps out of his chair to get out of reach before he went all murdery again.

"Peabody?" This was his best chance to get a stalker to deal with them, one of the best stalkers assigned to this round.

"That... that was Peabody." Not exactly sure how he could not know that... shock maybe?

With his left eye twitching he bellows, "...FUUUUCCCKK!"

"Should we still kill his family, since he is-was your cousin?" Another brave soul inquires, as the vet merely snickers to himself.

His answer is a low growl and a more than a little murderous look in his eyes.

The vet moves off to get some guys to remove the soon to be new body, and find someone to take his place.

AN: So this story is not abandoned merely in the hands of a very lazy, easily distracted jackass, who is unable to properly translate the stuff in ye ole brain onto yonder page and is by now well aware of how poorly I do actually write. In spite of this I will continue to write, goddess save us all.

Also I'm such a dork. That is all. Carry on.

-May Dread watch over you-