Haha … I put this under Spiritual. I will surely go to Hell for this fic.

Please read: Just to warn everyone, this fic is about a very religious, Christian version of America. Kind of like an AU, except everything is the same but religious!America. If you are easily offended by the mocking of religion (specifically Christianity) I do not recommend reading.

Also please read: Additionally, because this version of America is homophobic, he says a lot of anti-gay remarks. So again, if this offends you, do not read. They're not serious as I'm actually making fun of homophobia in this story, but I wanted to warn anyway just in case. His beliefs are certainly not my own!

This is only the first half of the fic. This was originally supposed to be a long oneshot like I normally do, but it just got a little too long, so I decided to post it in two parts instead. The second half will be posted sometime this weekend.

Anyway, it's in America's POV, enjoy!

X

It was Saturday night.

Germany and Prussia were out somewhere drinking Satan's breast milk. (They call it beer.)

France was out chasing women. And men. Anything that moves, really. Actually, it doesn't even need to move, probably. I could see him doing a bean bag chair or something. Filthy lecher.

Japan was at his house pleasuring himself to cartoon porn. Yes, cartoon. That he drew himself. I mean, pornography is wrong in and of itself, but I don't even get the cartoon part. They just remind me of Pokemons! Team Rocket didn't blast off like that. Creepy pervert.

And Russia … well, I don't really know what Russia was up to that Saturday night. And since it's Russia, I want to keep it that way. That sinfulness should be very much kept between him and God. I sleep better not knowing what things he does with that water pipe!

I don't know what Canada was doing either but whatever. It's just Canada, who cares. I bet even God asks who he is when he prays, haha!

What was I doing on a Saturday night, you wonder? I was home alone, sitting on the floor of my living room, acoustic guitar in hand. I was finishing up writing my song about the importance of abstinence. It was for the children. Children love abstinence!

I was chewing on my pen, trying very hard to think of a word that rhymed with 'fornicate' when I heard a knock at the door. It was the middle of the night! 8:30 PM! Who on God's great white Earth could it be?

I set aside my guitar to answer it. When I opened the door, England fell into my arms, because apparently he had been using the door to stand.

"My goodness!" I exclaimed. "England, what's wrong?"

England was snickering. He looked pretty rough. His tie was unbuttoned, his clothes were wrinkly, his face was flushed, he stank like … oh, now it made sense! He'd been drinking!

"Take good care of him, America!" called a voice with a French accent. That was France, if it wasn't obvious. I looked up to see him leaning out the window of a car. With him were a couple ladies of the evening. Read: HARLOTS.

"Gosh darn it!" Please excuse my vulgarity, you guys. "GOSH DARN IT ALL TO HECK! France, why would you let England get this drunk? ! And then dump him on me? !"

"I don't want him spoiling my evening! I met some lovely ladies here." He motioned to the women, who looked like painted up whores.

Painted up AMERICAN whores. "Quit fornicating with my women!" I yelled back.

"No thanks," he said. "I like yours. Zey actually shave!" He was rolling the window up. "Ta-ta, America!" Then he sped off, cackling. Which made me mad. Because it was bad enough that he'd dropped off a drunkard at my house so that he could have sinful premarital sex with multiple women … but to speed too? ! I mean, speeding is a terrible sin. It even says so in the Bible, I'm pretty sure. 'And ye shall never approach speeds over that which are determined by thy governing state, lest ye be judged' … or something, I dunno. Shut up, it's in there. Trust me.

England was still leaning on me. He was starting to lose his balance and slide down me, so I caught him and held him. He snickered again.

"Heh heh … America … I am so pissed …"

"What?" I said, confused. "Why are you mad? I'm the one who should be mad here!"

"Nooooo …" he whined. "Pissed … it means … shit, what is it your country says … 'drunk.'"

"Then you shouldn't have gone out drinking!"

His fingers were really digging into my shirt to hold on. Almost all his weight was against me. I sniffed and smelt the alcohol on him. Ugh, it was rank. Then, I guess because he saw me do it, England leaned into me and sniffed. Like really intensely. Took a big whiff, looked up with me with eyes that weren't fully open, and said, "Mmmm … yeah."

So with that, I promptly dumped him on the couch. I mean, that almost seemed gay! And I do not swing that way!

England didn't mind being tossed like that. He chuckled and did his best to sit up, but he was pretty drunk, so he leaned back against the cushions.

"You need to stay there until you sober up!" I said, standing over him and wagging my finger accusingly. "What were you thinking? Going out and getting drunk? Don't you know how bad that stuff is for you? Remember what it says in the Bible. 'Though shall not imbibe. No spirits shall pass your lips, even Seabreezes, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and Bahama Mamas, or ye shall drink in Hell.' I think that's … Corinthians or something, I can't remember."

"Shhhh," he shhhed.

"DON'T YOU SHHHH ME!" I exclaimed. "IT ALSO SAYS IN THE BIBLE NOT TO SHHH ME!"

I didn't like the way England was smirking. "Just … come're." He waved me over with one finger.

"For what?"

Now I didn't like the way England was looking at me. "I think you know what."

"I don't." I started to turn away. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go back to writing my song. Maybe if you listen you'll learn something while you sit there and think about what you've done."

"No, wait!" England called. "Don't leave!"

I faced him again. "What is it, England?"

So then he just blurted it out.

"I'm horny."

Somehow I had a feeling it was going to come to that. I just didn't wanna admit it out loud.

I sighed. "Well, this calls for only one thing then," I said. "I think you know what I mean."

"Yeah?" He squirmed a little more. "You're serious?"

"Um, duh, I'm serious," I said as I got on my knees.

I'd never seen him grin as wide as when I got down on my knees like that. "Oh damn," he said, fiddling with his zipper. "I knew I'd crack you one day."

"CHEESE AND CRACKERS, ENGLAND!" I exclaimed. "WHAT THE GOSH DARN HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? !"

He looked hurt. "You're … you're not gonna suck my dick?"

"Um, NO! Gross!" Didn't England see that my hands were clasped together? And not in … whatever way they look when they grab a penis? (Whatever way that is. I'm not gay so I wouldn't know, of course!) "I was getting ready to pray for you!"

"Pray for me?" England was getting all huffy. "There are better things you can do with that mouth …"

"SHUT UP WHILE I'M PRAYING!" I snapped. Then I bowed my head. "Dear Lord, forgive England for his sins. He knows not what he does …"

England rolled his eyes. "Oh, here it goes …"

"… because he's stupid. So you gotta forgive him. I mean, it's your job, anyway, right God? I don't think you have much of a choice, haha!"

"That's how you pray?" England was so annoying making dumb little comments during my prayer! So disrespectful, am I right?

"Anyway, God," I continued praying. "Please give him the strength to stop drinking. Give him the strength to resist temptation, embrace temperance, and quit going to TGI Friday's happy hour."

"They have good drinks," England slurred. "And it's not happy hour, that's only Mondays through Fridays."

"Well, you would know, huh!" I snapped back, then bowed my head again. "Sorry for that rude interruption, Lord. Where were we? Oh yeah. England's sinnin'. Also please forgive him for being a sodomite."

"Now wait a minute!" England interrupted angrily.

But he didn't get to continue because I shhhed him. "Shhh, England! It's bad enough you're a gay drunk, but do you gotta interrupt my praying too? I mean, you're probably going to Hell but better not push your luck, ya know?" Anyway, back to my prayer: "Dear Lord, please give him the strength to resist all those penises out there. I know he wants them and all but please fill him with your love instead all of those penises. And it's gonna need to be a LOT of love to fill that hole -"

"Enough!" shouted England. "America, I don't know what you think of me, but I am not like that!"

"Oh, come on. I'm sure you get sodomized like every day."

"Sodomized? Really?" England scoffed. "People still use that word?"

"I noticed you didn't correct me."

"It is not every day -"

"NO BUT YOU WISH IT WAS!" I bowed my head again to continue my prayer. "Also, God, I want an iPhone 4S – that's the one with Siri so I can talk to it - for the holiday. That'd be great. Kaythanksbye!"

"He's not Santa Claus …" said England. "And you should say 'amen' when you end a prayer!"

I stood up. "What do you know about praying, England? I mean, look at you!" I wish you guys could have looked! "You're sloppy drunk on my couch, at an ungodly hour, with your pants undone, and you got the nerve to tell me how to talk to God? Screw you, England."

"I don' think it's very holy for you to say 'screw you' to somebody."

"IT DOESN'T SAY THAT IN THE BIBLE!" I sighed. "Now if you'll EXCUSE me! I need to finish up my song for church tomorrow."

I sat back down on the floor and strummed a few notes on my guitar. England lazily watched, his eyelids hung at different lengths because he was drunk out of his mind.

I was on the line about how babies conceived out of wedlock are total bastards, when England interrupted my singing.

"Hey," he said, still watching from the couch. "You're singin' a song about … abstinence?"

"Mmmyep." I went back to strumming. "You should listen and learn. And keep your legs closed!"

"Hmmph." England stared hardcore at me. "So. You've never had sex before, America?"

When he said that, I accidentally strummed all the strings really loud out of shock. "Wha!" I startled. "What … what a dumb question. Of course I haven't. Premarital sex is a sin and I'm not married sooooo …"

"But you're a country. We don't get married." He shrugged. "Not unless two countries officially join, I suppose."

I went back to strumming, but I strummed in an annoyed way. "What's your point?"

"It's pretty unlikely you'll ever be married. So that means you won't ever have sex."

GRRRR! Why was England so interested in my sex life? My nonexistent sex life. What, is he gonna judge me for being a 275 year old virgin? That's like that movie the 40 Year Old Virgin but a lot more years! Though it would be cool if Steve Carrell played me … he's funny.

Anyway. It's not like I wanted to be a sinning WHORE like England and the rest of those countries who go frolicking all over the place sodomizing each other! Please.

"Oh well," I said with a shrug. "Guess I'll just go without then."

I went back to singing my song. Such an awesome song! The kids were sure to love it tomorrow! Kids love hearing about self-control and restraint and STD's and why condoms fail. It's their favorite!

"Wait a minute," said England, interrupting my song again. SO RUDE!

"Tsk. What is it NOW?"

"You still masturbate, don't you? That's a sin. Why not just go a little farther?" He looked at me hopefully. "… with me?"

"WHAT THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS? !" I exclaimed, dropping my guitar and knocking it out of tune. Darn it, now I gotta tune it all over again because of England's dirty perverted mouth … "Okay, first of all? If I was gonna have the sex I wouldn't have it with a DUDE, okay? Because that's kinda GAY. And secondly, I DO NOT MASTURBATE!"

"The fuck? !" startled England. "You're lyin'. Everybody does it."

"Not me."

"Liar! It's natural. To have … urges …"

"Look," I said, getting really cheesed off. "I'm not saying I don't have urges. I just don't DO anything about them."

"You repress your sexual urges …" England looked disgusted. "No wonder you're so fucked in the head …"

"Don't call it repressing! I prefer to think of it as … well, I dunno. But whenever I get tempted I do something else instead like pray or read the Bible or go to Church's."

"Eh? How many churches do you go to?"

"No — Church's Fried Chicken. Mmm yeah … I love just peeling the crispy skin off and eating it by itself …"

"My God …" said England, TOTALLY TAKING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. "So … so you've never had an orgasm? !"

Here I am talking about fried chicken and England brings up orgasms! ORGASMS YOU GUYS! So what if I don't know what it feels like? I'm sure it's overrated. I'll take Church's Fried Chicken over that any day. No one ever got an STD from eating fried chicken! The Colonel knows what I'm talking about.

I sighed. "The Bible says lust in your heart is adultery." I set down my guitar. I suddenly didn't feel like playing anymore that night. "So I'm assuming lust in your k-o-c-k is also adultery." If you spell a naughty word, it doesn't count. That's in the Bible too.

"Damn. I had no idea you were so repressed. You have got to let me help you …"

"EEW NO! Don't you try to RECRUIT me! I know how you gays like to do that!" Gosh, they're just like the army. Like that famous poster, they both say they WANT ME! Sorry but I am all aboard the Hetero Express. CHOOO CHOOOO!

"Just explore your sexuality a little bit …"

"NO LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I looked to the clock. It was 9:00! That's my bedtime! It was time for me to go night-night.

"Well, it's getting late," I said to England, who was back to pouting on the couch.

"Um, no it's not—"

"I'm gonna get ready for bed."

England suddenly looked at me very strangely. Like … pleadingly. His eyes were like *o* Wow, was he drunk …

It made me uncomfortable. I took a step back. "What the heck is with that look?"

He squirmed a little. "Can … can I join you?"

"WHAT!" I exclaimed. "Hell — I mean HECK no you can't sleep with me! Look you went and made me cuss! Now God is gonna be pissed at me and give me bad luck."

"God will forgive you." That statement seemed all well and good, until his eyelids lowered halfway and he licked his lips. "He'll forgive any sin you commit, heh heh …"

I rolled my eyes at England's faggotry and left the room. I heard him call after me, "No! Wait! Come back!"

And I did. To toss a pillow and blanket in his face.

"What're these for?" slurred England, one in each hand.

"For sleeping on the couch, DUH!"

"Why can't I sleep with you?"

"BECAUSE!" I exclaimed. "Haven't you read the Bible? It says 'A man shall not lie with another man, for that is detestable and totally gay.'

England smirked. "Then we don't have to lie down. I can sit in your lap, or you can do me against the wall—"

"GROSS!" I yelled. "Eeew, enough of your talk of sodomy! The only reason I am letting you stay at my place tonight is because you're drunk and heroes don't let people drive drunk. It says so in the Bible, 'and ye shall not let thy inebriated neighbor take oneself home, for that is a dick move.' (Can you believe they said 'dick move' in the Bible? It's true! Check Leviticus something or other ….)

"Idiot … they didn't have cars back then."

"NO BUT THEY HAD CAMELS! And believe me. You do NOT want to drive a camel drunk."

England closed his eyes and sank into my couch. "You are hopeless …"

"Psssh. You're the pervert drunkard. You're the hopeless one."

I walked away then. I went to go do my night-night routine so I could go to bed. You know, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting on my jammies. When I was done with all that, I clasped my hands together and kneeled before my bed.

"Dear God," I started praying. "Are you there? It's me. America. We just spoke a little while ago, remember? Anyway, what's up? Nothing much is up with me. Except … well … England. I really need to talk you about him. I mean, I guess you already know since you're God and all, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, okay? Well, he's gay and we all know that's a sin. Can you fix him of that? Or at least … make him not come on to me so much? It's very … distracting. I mean, not like I'm tempted or anything! God no! I mean you no! Didn't mean to take your name in vain. Anyway, also make him stop drinking. Basically I'm asking you to save him and make him less gay. I know that's asking a lot but you're God so you gotta do it." I smiled. "AMEN."

I stood up and climbed into bed. "I hope God grants my wish," I said, pulling the covers over myself. "And the only dude England will love is Jesus!"

:D

X

In the middle of the night, I woke up and had to take a wicked pee-pee. My bladder was so full it was painful. You know that feeling? And it wakes you up? But you're sooooo tired and you think 'oh if I just go back to sleep it'll go away' but it doesn't. Stupid trolling bladder …

So I sighed and made myself get out of bed. I made my way down the hallway, but when I got to the bathroom, I saw that the door was closed. And there was a light on. I could see it through the crack at the bottom of the door.

Then I heard England's voice on the other side. It sounded weird. A way I've never heard before.

"Oh God," he said. "Oh God yes …. YESSSSS … fuck yeah, oh God …"

My goodness! I've never heard someone pray so … so … so PASSIONATELY before! You should have heard the way he said those words! He was practically moaning them!

"Christ — oh yeah. Shit," he said behind the door. "Oh yes, God, yes, yes, yes … Oh God …!"

I couldn't believe it! I mean, yeah, he could have left out the bad words, but still! England was PRAYING! So with so much enthusiasm! SO MUCH! Even more than me. I never whimpered my prayers like that.

"GOD YES! !" I heard him exclaim. "Fuck YES! So good, oh shit …"

Yes, yes, God is good. I guess that's why they're only one letter different, am I right?

"Fuck yeah … mmm … so close … oh God …"

Did you hear that, boys and girls? ! England was so close to being saved! Jesus was entering his heart at that very moment! Such a passionate way to accept him. I had to witness this glorious event!

So I threw open the door. "CONGRATULATIONS ENG — WHAT THE FUDGE? !"

I couldn't believe it. I expected England to be on his knees, midway through a religious epiphany. Instead, let me describe to you the horrifying image I saw: England, sitting on the toilet, pants around his ankles, his erect you-know-what in his hand, stroking away! HE WAS MASTURBATING IN MY BATHROOM.

My face instantly went from :D to D:

His changed too. When he saw me he froze like O_O but then … after a few awkward seconds … he smirked. "Oh. Speak of the devil," he said. "I was just thinking about you."

"Don't call me the devil!" I shouted back. "You're the one who is doing the sinning here!"

That smirk … my gosh. I'd never seen anything like it. Such sinfulness! "Care to join me, America?"

I couldn't tear my eyes away from that …that THING between England's legs. You know. His you-know-what. Okay, I'll spell it so you can follow. W-e-i-n-e-r. No wait … i before e. You know that saying. I also learned that from the Bible.

Anyway, I just couldn't look away from it. I was like … hypnotized. I'd never seen anybody else's except my own. And to be honest, I never looked at my own for very long either. I felt like if I looked at it that made me gay, ya know? But England's … it was so hard … and flushed all red … and was leaking a little bit of clear fluid … oh my goodness why couldn't I stop staring …

There was only one thing to do in this situation. I grabbed my shower head massager … thing, and aimed it right between England's legs. And sprayed cold water full force.

"Just like when I catch the neighbors' dogs humping in my yard," I said, still aiming that cold water at his crotch. "I get the hose and spray them until they stop."

"FUCK!" exclaimed England. His whole body tensed up. He gripped the edges of the toilet and groaned.

"I don't blame you, England," I said. I still didn't let up on the water. "This is the devil's fault. The devil is inside of you and making you do these sinful things. I don't know how he got there, he probably crawled up your butt because you seem to like that sorta thing, but that's neither here nor there. What matters is getting rid of him."

"Shit," whimpered England. His head had been drooping, but he slowly raised it. He looked me in the eyes with a look I'd never really seen. Half-lidded eyes and a flushed face, staring sinfully into my soul … "Put … put it on warm," he panted. "And set it on pulse. That'll feel so good …. nnnn ….yessss …"

I immediately turned the water off. He looked disappointed. "You pervert! I was trying to STOP you!"

England was shivering now. He had little bumps all over his skin. Goosebumps. And his nipples were really hard — WAIT … is nipples a bad word? Should I have spelled that out? WAIT WHY DID I LOOK AT HIS NIPPLES TO BEGIN WITH?

"You make everything perverted," I said. "What's next? You gonna take my toothbrush and shove it up your butt?"

"Heh heh …" England panted. "Is it one of those electric ones? Those vibrations would feel really nice …"

"UGH!" I exclaimed, dropping the shower head. "You really do make everything perverted! I have to get out of here. Before I catch your gay or something."

England wrapped his hand back around his … you know. "Wait! Don't leave!"

Too late! I was already out the bathroom door. "If you continue please don't think of me!" I yelled to him. "You don't have my permission!"

"What goes on in my head is my business!" England called back.

I turned around. I popped back in the bathroom for a quick second. Just enough to see that, yes, he did continue. And to grab my toothbrush and leave. I did NOT feel safe leaving it in there with him.

Then I peed in the kitchen sink and went back to bed.

X

I woke up to the annoying sound of my alarm. AAAENNNT AAENNNT AAAENNNT! it buzzed.

I fumbled with my eyes still closed and hit the snooze button. Ahhh. Nine more minutes of peace!

I hadn't slept too good since that whole … incident with England in the bathroom. All night long I was plagued by terrible nightmares! Nightmares filled with penises! Just flopping all around! A ton of them, like a penis forest! I couldn't believe it! Freud would have had something to say about all that. I think you know what. It's pretty obvious what those dreams meant (Post traumatic stress disorder, of course.)

Nine minutes later my alarm went off again, and I had to get up. I yawned and rolled over … right into a warm body beside me. And it wasn't blubbery enough to be my whale.

No, it was England.

"WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST!" I exclaimed. "What the heck are you doing in my bed? !"

England stretched and groaned. He didn't even bother opening his eyes! He just kept laying there, right beside me, his head on one of MY pillows! "I was lonely."

"Lonely? ! You're never lonely because God is always with you. He's always watching, you know. He's like Google Earth but even better."

England opened his eyes just so he could roll them at me! GRRR! "Oh, it's too early in the morning for that shite."

"NO! You listen to me! God is always watching, okay? You should keep that in mind when you're touching yourself. He's looking at you do it!"

"Heh. Who's the pervert now?" said England like a jerk. I hit him in the face with a pillow. "Oof—"

"How dare you call God a pervert!" I yelled. "He's not watching your sinnin' like 'oh yeah I like that!' EEW! He's watching like 'Shame on you! Bad human! Get yer hand outta yer pants!'"

"God's just going to have to forgive me," said England. He threw back the covers and I noticed something very odd … "He shouldn't give me morning wood every day if he doesn't want me to have a wank."

You guys. There was a bulge in England's pants. Gosh, he just 'took care of business' last night! How often does this guy need to — well, you know! Do some … self-loving.

"That's it." I hopped off the bed. "I've had enough."

"Where are you going?"

I disappeared into the closet. I came out of it (literally — don't take that line for an innuendo! If you do it's a sin) and tossed a suit at England.

"You're going to church with me."

England held out the suit in front of him. It was too big for him, but oh well. God doesn't care what you wear to his house. What's important is that you're THERE. I learned that when my church had pajama day, hehe! Everybody wore their jammies and slippers and it was so much fun! :D

Then England tossed the suit on the bed. "I'd rather just go back to sleep. I have a nasty hangover."

"PSSSH! That's God's way of saying 'LOL THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DRINKING EVEN WHEN I SAID NOT TO!' True story, check the Bible."

He flopped back on the pillow. "No thanks."

"It's not optional! Plus, I bet you'll like it! I'm not going to the regular boring grown-up part today. I'm going to Bible school class to sing my abstinence song for the childrens. They're gonna love it! Especially the part about herpes and how you can get it even with a condom even during not an outbreak, did you know that England?"

"No. How the hell did you?"

"Wikipedia! And you know what else is cool about the kids' part of church? They get to do all the fun stuff. Like watch Veggie Tales and make macaroni art of the Stations of the Cross or glue cotton balls to a piece of paper in the shape of a sheep and say that's the Lamb of God. HAHA GET IT? LAMB? So much more fun than singing old hymns and listening to a preacher but hey it's church, it's not supposed to be fun. That's why God makes us go. To punish us for our sins."

"I'll pass."

"YOU CAN'T PASS! If you do, you'll miss out on the best part! I always go to IHOP after church for brunch. Mmmm … their Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N' Fruity is so good it's almost a sin. You know that's why IHOP is shaped like a church, right? Because you should go there right after church to reward yourself for going with some delicious pancakes."

"I'll still pass."

All I was trying to do was save England and his drunkard sodomite self. Doesn't he understand how important this is? I remember when I was a kid, it was England himself that showed me the Bible. I remember this clearly because when he read it to me, I had nightmares all the time. Y'all ever read the Bible? It's SCARY! God's always smiting someone or horsemen are chasing you to eternal damnation or Satan's turning into a snake and offering you apples. Snakes are scary! The stuff in that book could put Stephen King and Dean Koontz to shame.

I don't know where England went wrong. I mean, he knows the Bible. He knows what it says. Yet he does all this sinning. It doesn't make sense. I had to explain it to him.

"England," I said, looking him right in the eyes. "Don't you understand why I want you to be saved? It's very important."

"Oh, here it comes …"

"It's like a brownie point system! For every person I save, God gives me a little leeway to do my own sinning. Like a give-and-take sort of thing, ya know? I get someone to accept Jesus in their life … and I can accept devil's food cake into my mouth. You get it?"

England did not look amused :/ "… that is not what I expected you to say."

"Now come on!" I went back into the closet and shut the door. I didn't want England to see me changing. He was excited in his netherbits enough as it was. "Get dressed so we can go! We need to fill you with all of God's love."

"Heh," I heard England say on the other side. "I'd rather you fill me with your thick, hard—"

"DON'T SAY IT, ENGLAND!"

X

So I drove England to church. In my big Hummer. Big SUV's are the COOLEST! I'm sure everybody is jealous of me when I drive it down the street, looking all kinds of awesome. It gets crap gas mileage, but hey, driving to the gas station is just one more opportunity to drive around and look cool! :D

I was happy as a clam, driving like VROOOM VROOOM. But England just stared lazily out the window, leaning on his arm. I dunno why he looked so sad. I mean, we both looked so good in our suits! (I don't mean that in a gay way, just that we looked spiffy, okay!)

I hummed along to my Christian radio station, "Jesus loves me yes I know … 'cause the Bible tells me so … something something … darn it, I forgot the lyrics, haha."

England kept staring out the window like a grouch. "I don't see what's wrong with just experimenting."

"Jesus loves me — WHAT!" I near about swerved off the road! "You mean experimenting with like homo stuff? !"

England shrugged. "Well, yeah. I know you think it's a sin, but all Christians pick and choose which rules to actually follow, so why not let this one slip just once?"

"NO!" I shouted. "It doesn't work that way! Look, the Bible is pretty clear about the gays, okay? I mean, think about it. Noah put two of every animal on a boat – a male and a female of each. He didn't put two dude animals on there for some big gay animal buttsex orgy, now did he? No, he put a male and female, and you know why, England?"

"To reproduce, but you're missing the p—"

"Because THEIR PARTS FIT. Like perfectly. Like puzzle pieces, or plugging something in an outlet, or a Pop Tart into a toaster. It just fits."

England finally looked at me. But I tried not to notice because I was looking forward at the road. "You know they fit with two guys too, right? I don't think it's a coincidence that not only do we have a place that fits a cock perfectly, but feels so good when you do—"

"EEEEWW!" I exclaimed. I accidentally almost pictured England's sick perverted description. "That's an exit! Not an entrance!"

He smirked. "Oh, it can be both …."

Clearly I had not gotten through to England and his sodomy-loving ways. I needed to quote more the Bible, of course! Scare him straight. Like, literally. Scare him away from penises and to … whatever girls have.

"England, let me tell you a story," I started. "From the Bible. Once upon a time, there were two cities, called Sodom and Gomorrah. They were the gay cities where all the homos lived. All day long they just made out with each other, had crazy buttsex, and listened to Lady Gaga together. All day, every day."

"America—"

"SHHH DON'T INTERRUPT ME! I told you that's a sin. Now where was I?" I hesitated. "Oh yeah. So one day, God got tired of watching them humping each other while singing about marrying the night, whatever the heck that means anyway, and sent down a couple angels. Male angels. You know what the cities did then? They tried to RAPE the angels! GAY rape! That's when God said 'GAME OVER.' He smote them, England. He smoted them so good. He lit them on fire and everybody died. It smelt like smoke and burning Astroglide, but they all went to Hell for gaying it up. You understand now?"

"No." England saw the church out the window and sighed. "You're a fucking idiot."

I turned into the church's parking lot. "Watch your mouth in the house of the LAWD! Also the parking lot of the LAWD! He owns all this property, all the way to the end of that playground over there."

I looked around and saw four parking spaces open. As a Hummer owner, I always park in the middle of four spaces, because I have a big vehicle and am special. Everyone needs to know this and they will when they can't find a parking spot because I took up four, haha!

I pulled in and reached over to put the gear shift in park. But when I did, my hand grabbed something I wasn't expecting. It was hard, but I could tell it wasn't my gear shift. I looked down and England was leaning over the middle of our seats, pressing his crotch right where my gear shift was.

He still had morning wood. And my hand was grabbing it.

:O

I held it there in shock for a few seconds. He looked me in the eye and smirked. Then I got cheesed off and pulled my hand away.

I wiped the gay germs off on my pants. "EEW! You did that on purpose!"

"Oops~" said England, sounding fake. "How clumsy of me!" He climbed out of his seat. In fact, he was crawling into mine …

When his hand reached for my fly, I grabbed him by the wrist. "DUDE! What are you doing? !"

"Just go with it."

England swung his leg, and then he plopped right into my lap. Yes, England was IN MY LAP! Facing me! Now I almost regret getting such a big vehicle so that there was room for this ..

"Look, England," I said. "I told you, I'm not gay. The only guy I will get on my knees for is Jesus. He's the only guy I want inside me. You understand?"

He sat back and fiddled with my tie. He was making that look again … horny and sinful … "That sounds pretty gay to me. But how about I make you a deal?"

"Umm … what kind of deal?"

I could feel England's morning wood pressing into my tummy. "You let me have my fun with you … and if you don't like it, I will give up gay sex for the rest of my life."

:O

"You're … you're serious, England? Are you even sure you can do that? I mean, I know how much you love the penis."

"That is how confident I am that you will enjoy yourself." He slid my tie off and dropped it to the floor. "Hell, I'll give up drinking too. I'm that sure you will love it."

"Hmm."

Now I know what you're thinking. But don't you judge me! That's God's job! And he hates it when other people do his job because that's HIS! Now, yes, gay sex with England would be a sin. Buuuuuut … if that meant he gave up all gay sex and drinking the rest of his life, it's less sins total. I mean, one sin in exchange for a lifetime of them? This is just math, you guys.

I'm not saying two wrongs make a right. I'm saying one wrong is a lot less worse than a bunch of wrongs. You can't argue with that logic, right?

I prayed to God for England to be saved. Now I had the opportunity to do it.

But then again. That actually required me to … you know. Put my penis inside of England. (That is how gays have sex, right? I'm assuming they don't just slap around their penises together like some sort of manmeat swordfight. Someone correct me if I'm wrong here.)

I'm straight and righteous. How could I possibly go through with that?

Hmmm.

(That meant I was thinking.)

Could I do it?

Hmmmmm …

(Still thinking.)

Could I really get gay with England? And like … actually put my penis inside of him?

Hmmm.

... NOPE.

There was just no way! I mean, I'm not a homo! Um, eew! Doesn't England know what that hole is really for? It wasn't meant for stuffing penises and dildos and breakable jars up there! Ugh, y'all seen that video 'One guy one jar'? It's disgusting! France lied to me and said it's about the guy who invented peanut butter and jelly together in one jar (real thing by the way! Mmm!) So I Googled it. He tricked me! That is sooooo NOT what it was about! My butt hurt just watching and also I threw up a little bit.

"I can't do this, England," I said. "Get off of me."

England didn't get off of me. Instead he jerked his hips once, grinding his morning wood into me again. Eew, I felt it! I felt his shaft again! WHOA DUDE.

I grabbed my Bible and put it in between our faces like a shield. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" I chanted.

"The fuck?" said England. "I'm not a vampire."

"Psssh, whatever! You guys both like to suck and sparkle! According to the best writer ever, Stephanie Meyer."

England grabbed my Bible and threw it in the passenger seat of my Hummer. Crap I just realized there's another definition of 'hummer.' Why the heck did they name the best SUV after oral sex? What's next, the BJ-BMW? Rimming Explorer? The Rav4 Rusty Trombone? I could do this all day but three jokes is God's limit. Also don't ask me how I know what a Rusty Trombone is. Another misled Google search … thanks France …

"Hey, my Bible!" I exclaimed. "You can't throw it! That's against … well, the Bible, duh!"

"Oh, it's fine."

"GET OFF OF ME!" I shouted, trying to push him off, but just pushing him a couple inches into the steering wheel.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

FUDGE, I pushed him into the horn! I hope no one looks this way …

Thank goodness my Hummer has tinted windows.

"Seriously, England! Get off of me! It says it the Bible it's a sin for a dude to sit on another man's lap."

England resituated himself on my lap. Yep, he just made himself real comfortable! Like he was right at home! And I felt just the slightest brush of his … you know … against my tummy again.

"It does not."

"Yeah huh!" I said. "I mean, I can't remember the exact quote. But it's probably in Leviticus. It's always Leviticus. Yep, that's right! Right by the very important passage about whether or not three ways with two guys and one girl are gay. 'And lo, a tryst between three individuals, two men and one harlot, shall not be of the faggotry unless balls touch.' Very important to remember, England."

"That's enough!" he snapped. "I've had enough of you misquoting the Bible!"

"Huh? I'm not misquoting! I mean, maybe I'm paraphrasing, but close enough."

"No, you are completely misquoting." He glared at me. "I know the Bible much better than you. I read it long before you existed. Stop lying about what it says."

"I'm not lying!"

"Let me tell you something about the Bible."

I did not like the look in England's eyes … "Uh …"

X

To be continued! Second half will be up soon! That's the part with the smut so look for it ;)