This is my first completed fic. I wrote it while taking a break from
another SW fic that is currently unfinished. I needed a simple angsty/mush
break and this was the result. After getting my feet wet at another site,
I decided to post here as well. Hope you enjoy (
Title From this Moment
Rating G
Genre Angst/Mush
Disclaimer All recognizable characters belong to GL
Summary It was the will of the Force not his own that Qui-Gon Jinn take another apprentice. He would give his knowledge, but he refused to give his heart. Little did he realize that he never really had a choice.
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Deciding his desk was not very comfortable, Obi-Wan Kenobi grabbed his data pad and sprawled across his bed on his stomach. Resting his chin on his hand he continued to work on next weeks lessons.
He was tired, but he wanted to finish this last set of problems. He heard movement in the outer room and realized that his master was still up as well.
He had not spoken with his master since evening meal, and even then it was only polite conversation initiated by him to break the awkward silence.
It had been two weeks since he had returned from Bandomeer as Qui-Gons padawan. He was so happy that Qui-Gon had finally accepted him. It didn't take long however for him to realize that perhaps his master had accepted him begrudgingly.
~The Force, with a little help from Yoda, may have willed that he take me as his padawan, but that doesn't mean he has to like it I guess.~
His breath hitched slightly as he thought of how his master had showed no interest in getting to know him as a person.
It had hurt him terribly, it still did, but he had gotten past it. He was a padawan, and he had a great master....the greatest as far as he was concerned. That was what he wanted. He told himself that it didn't matter that his master didn't seem to care about him personally. ~He's supposed to train you, not baby you.~ he thought.
So Obi-Wan had decided to be the best padawan he could be. He did not want to give Qui-Gon any reason to regret his decision to take him on.
Though he was most definately not a morning person Obi-Wan would rise early every morning and prepare breakfast for his master. After cleaning the dishes he was off to his classes for the day. He would meet Qui-Gon for afternoon sparring, then it was back to their quarters to prepare for the evening meal.
Once he had cleared those dishes he would retire to his room for the evening to meditate and work on the lessons he was way ahead in.
He longed to be close to Qui-Gon, but every attempt he had made was rebuffed. After awhile he felt like he was being a nuisance so he had just stopped trying.
Obi-Wans eyes began to droop as he stared at the blinking light on the data pad. Straightening the arm he had been resting his chin on he slowly bent his head, using the same arm as a pillow.
He told himself again that it didn't matter that Qui-Gon didn't seem to like him. He would fulfill his duty to train Obi-Wan as a padawan. That would be enough.
He knew he was lying to himself, that he wanted so much more. As his eyes closed and he allowed sleep to finally claim him, he allowed himself to dream. He dreamt of what could be.......if his master would only let him in.
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Qui-Gon Jinn had finished his tea and was preparing for bed. As he passed his padawans door en route to his own room he noticed a sliver of light beneath the door. He palmed open the door intent on reminding his padawan of curfew.
What he saw could have warmed his heart, if he had let it. The boy was sprawled stomach down on his bed, one arm dangling over the side of the bed, the other being used as a pillow.
A data pad still activated cast a soft green glow across they youth's innocent features, making him look even younger than his 13 years. Qui-Gon stood taking in the scene a moment before simply switching off the light and moving on to his own room.
After donning a pair of sleep pants, he paused as he slipped under the covers of his full size bed. The image of his sleeping apprentice flooded his mind.
It occurred to him that perhaps he should cover the boy with a blanket. He almost moved to do so, and then ruthlessly crushed any such thought. He would not coddle this boy. He had learned his lesson with Xanatos.
Obi-Wan was his student, nothing more. The force had decided that he take another padawan, not him. He would give the boy all the knowledge he needed to become a great knight, but he would not give him his heart.
He thought back over the last two weeks upon returning from Bandomeer. Things had been uncomfortable for him at first. Obi-Wan had tried to get close to him and he'd had an undeniable enthusiasm for his new padawan duties.
Just the way the boy looked at him was almost enough to send him running. Those eyes. He still had yet to define the exact color of those eyes. Green one moment, gray the next, and he could have sworn he saw a hint of blue on certain occasions. Whatever their color, those eyes always looked upon him with such wonder, such admiration, such devotion, such.......love.
He had moved quickly to put some distance between them. Now, two weeks later they had settled into a routine Qui-Gon was much more comfortable with.
He'd had to be a little cold towards the boy at first, just to get him to understand the nature of their relationship. They weren't family after all. They were teacher and student.
Qui-Gon could not deny that Obi-Wan was a good student. He was accelerating in all his studies and his sparring technique was well beyond those of his agemates.
The boy even cooked breakfast for him for force sakes. Thankfully Obi-Wan no longer tried to engage him in uncomfortable conversations, or any conversation really. When alone in their quarters the boy excused himself to his room.
Yes, this was how he wanted things. When they did speak it was of training or studies, anything directly related to that aspect of their relationship.
The only meal the master and apprentice did not share was noon meal. He had spied Obi-Wan eating with his friends on a few occasions. He had observed the boy unobtrusively during those times.
When they had first arrived back from Bandomeer the boy was overly animated and energetic. The first time Qui-Gon saw him he thought the boy was surely going to bounce right out of his seat. His enthusiasm seemed to be contagious and soon the whole table was just a buzz with it.
Qui-Gon had made a mental note to himself to speak with his padawan regarding better control of his emotions. Just because they were in temple was no reason for the boy to not act appropriately.
It seemed to work. The last time he had observed Obi-Wan, the boy was reserved and quiet, behavior much more befitting a Jedi.
Yes, his padawan was coming along nicely. What he failed to see was how his padawan only picked at his food. He didn't see that Obi-Wan no longer initiated conversations, only responded to them. He did not notice the worried glances the boys friends exchanged.
Qui-Gon turned to his side; sleep was finally looking to be a possibility. Tomorrow was a free day for he and his padawan. He had an errand to run in the city; perhaps he would take the boy with him.
Obi-Wan awoke promptly at 5th hour. Sometime during the night he had awoken and climbed under his covers. ~It's funny how comfortable this bed is when I don't want to get up~ he thought. This was the hardest part though. Once he got out of bed he was fine.
Instead of burrowing back down into the warmth of his comforter like he wanted to, he threw off the covers and got to his feet.
It was almost like going swimming with Bant. Instead of wading into the cool water, torturing himself, he would just run and jump in. That was the only way he could do it.
Still, he looked back over his shoulder longingly at this bed before heading to the fresher.
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Qui-Gon exited his bedroom just as Obi-Wan finished setting the table. He stood waiting for his master to be seated.
"Good morning, Master."
"Morning, padawan."
Obi-Wan expected no other conversation to take place so he was surprised when Qui-Gon spoke.
"Do you have plans today Padawan?"
"Yes, master. Bant and I are to meet in the library at 9th hour to begin our research for Master Bel'ya's class."
"I see" was the master's only response.
Qui-Gon was pleased to see that his padawan was being constructive with his free day. He decided that today would be a perfect day for another lesson.
"I have to go into the city today, padawan. I know this is your free day, but would you like to accompany me?"
Obi-Wan was in the process of raising his glass of muju juice when Qui-Gon spoke. He froze, eyes widening slightly in surprise. He wasn't sure he heard correctly.
Had Qui-Gon actually asked him to go somewhere with him? They never did anything together outside of training.
A huge grin stole across his face, breaking his momentary paralysis, "I would love to go with you, master."
Qui-Gon did not notice how softly and almost shyly the boys response was spoken. "Very well," he replied. "Meet me here after noon meal and we'll be on our way."
"I'll be here"
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"That's wonderful, Obi" said Bant as she squeezed her friends hand. She had not seen him this happy or excited since he first returned as Master Jinn's padawan.
"I still can't believe he asked me. He didn't have to you know, it's a free day for him too." Obi-Wan rattled on, too excited to even think about studying.
"He must want to spend some time with me."
"Well why wouldn't he want to spend time with you. You are pretty special you know." she smiled as he blushed slightly and ducked his head.
"Not so special" he said softly.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi. There's not one person who knows you who would say otherwise," her tone was somewhat admonishing. "Except maybe that lunkhead master of yours."
"BANT!" his eyes widened in horror and he quickly looked around as if expecting said master to appear. "You shouldn't talk like that."
"I know Obi, I'm sorry" she squeezed his hand again. "It's just that you've waited so long for this, and you've been through so much recently. It wouldn't kill him to be nice to you."
"But that's why this is so great," said Obi-Wan getting excited again. "He wants me to go with him, Bant. HE ASKED ME. It wasn't an order; it has nothing to do with training. Maybe he's finally ready to let me in."
She felt her eyes start to water at the hope she saw shining in her friends eyes. She hugged him quickly, hoping he wouldn't see. ~Oh, force. I hope so~ she thought.
"Come on" she said aloud. "We're not going to get any studying done today. Lets go for a swim."
"What time is it?" asked Obi-Wan
"It's only 11th hour, you have plenty of time," teased Bant.
"Well, what are we waiting for then?" he flashed her one of his trademark grins and they were off.
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After walking two blocks from the temple Obi-Wan and his master caught their first public transport. There was little conversation thus far, but Obi-Wan was almost too preoccupied to notice.
As an initiate he had been on a few field trips into the city, the last being about two years ago. His eyes took in everything. He noticed there were at least 6 different species on the transport with them. Some he'd never seen before, and one that he wasn't quite sure he knew what to think of.
Qui-Gon watched as his apprentice took in his surroundings while being completely unaware of them at the same time. The boy was not focused at all. ~Yes, this was a good idea~ he thought.
"Obi-Wan" as he spoke, the boy immediately turned to him.
"Yes, master?" was it his imagination or did the boy seem to have that anxious, hopeful look in his eyes again?
"I asked you to join me today because I thought this would be a good opportunity for you to better connect with the living force in an unfamiliar environment."
Qui-Gon paused as the boys face seemed to fall. "Is there a problem padawan?"
After a slight hesitation they boy softly cleared his throat and answered, "N...no, master. Please continue."
Qui-Gon regarded his apprentice silently for a moment. The boy had assumed a neutral expression and appeared to be waiting for him to continue. His eyes however, looked suspiciously bright and held a sadness in them.
For a moment Qui-Gon considered accessing the bond. He had not done so since Bandomeer when the spontaneous link had formed.
He would have to do so eventually to forge a working training bond, however he had not been able to bring himself to do so thus far.
"Very well," deciding against opening the bond Qui-Gon continued.
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Obi-Wan walked quickly to keep pace with his masters much longer strides. They had changed transports again and descended two levels. The square they were crossing was very crowded and people were shoulder to shoulder, all going in different directions.
He felt like an empty shell walking. When he realized his master had brought him along as part of his training, his heart had turned to lead and dropped to his stomach.
It was still there. He now realized his master would never love him, would never think of him as a son. He felt so foolish.
Somewhere in his heart of hearts he had clung to some semblance of hope that his master would open his heart to him.
He doggedly followed his master through the crowd, lost in his own thoughts. Suddenly something ran into his legs, throwing him slightly off balance.
Looking down he saw a big ball of yellow fur with eyes looking back up at him. He surmised it was a puppy; it really was hard to tell with all that fur.
The fur ball had perched its two front paws on the padawans leg and was wagging its tail excitedly. Kneeling, the padawan scooped the small animal up into his arms. This was taken as an invitation to start licking the padawans face.
With a totally unconscious smile the apprentice looked to his master, and felt a moments panic when Qui-Gon was nowhere to be seen. He moved forward through the crowd, still carrying the puppy in his arms.
After an hour of searching, the padawan sat down heavily on a bench at the edge of the square. ~Could this day possibly get any worse? ~ he thought.
His question was answered a moment later. Coruscant was a climate- controlled planet, so it almost seemed a cruel joke that the powers that be had decided that it should rain at that exact moment.
The padawan tucked the puppy inside of his cloak and tried to wrap himself in tighter as well. His master had not told him where they were going. He had no money, and he realized that he had no idea where he was. They had changed transports and levels too many times and Obi-Wan was not sure which direction it was to the temple.
His earlier despair was nothing to what he felt now. Not knowing what to do, he decided it would be safer to stay put. His master would realize that he was missing and come back for him.
He would try to make it as easy as possible for Qui-Gon to find him. His heart fell again as he imagined how disappointed his master would be. He felt tears well in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
It seemed he could do nothing right.
Qui-Gon Jinn strode from the last transport that would take him to his destination. His mind had been preoccupied since speaking with his padawan regarding his lesson. Something wasn't quite right with the boy.
He was thankful Obi-Wan had remained quiet and seemed to be trying to focus on his lesson. He simply took it for granted that the boy was two steps behind and to the left of him.
Something in the boys eyes when they spoke earlier kept tugging at his heart.....no, his thoughts. ~Force, where did that thought come from."
The little shop that was his destination came into view. He had come here quite often over the past decade or so, whenever he was on planet. Yes, it was a bit far to come for his favorite tea, but some things were worth the extra effort.
Some things were worth the extra effort.
He turned to address his padawan and was shocked when he realized that the boy was not there. For a moment he could not move. His mind raced with possibilities.
Reaching out with the force he sensed no darkness or disturbance. He relaxed, only slightly. Next he tried to hone in on his padawans force signature. The boy had an unusually bright and untainted presence within the force.
Unfortunately, there appeared to be a significant distance between them and too many other beings in the way.
With no other choice available, Qui-Gon tried to access the bond. The link felt tenuous and weak. He could sense his padawan as unharmed, but the distance prevented him from sensing anything else.
For the first time, he silently cursed himself for not nurturing the bond before now. He had no doubt that if there were an immediate danger that the bond would flare to life, as it had on Bandomeer.
It didn't take him long to surmise what had most likely happened. They had gotten separated. The boy had probably lost his focus and stopped to gawk at something, while he had kept going assuming the boy was right behind him.
He sighed in annoyance. He was wet and annoyed. ~Well, at least he's smart enough to make his way back to the temple. I didn't come all this way for nothing,~ he thought. With that he entered the little shop to procure his favorite tea.
When Qui-Gon exited the shop he noticed the rain showed no sign of slowing. As a matter of fact, it looked to be getting worse.
It had taken him 2 hours to get here, he really didn't feel like trudging all the way back to the public transports and making all those changeovers again.
Instead he flagged down an air taxi. It would cut his time in half and it would be much drier. After directing the driver to the temple, he sat back to enjoy the ride.
He was sure his padawan would be waiting for him, probably expecting and waiting for a rebuke. Qui-Gon began to thinking of ways to help the boy improve his focus. ~Perhaps, two more hours a day of meditation will help,~ he thought.
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Obi-Wan was getting a little worried. It had been 3 hours since he had 'lost' his master. Thoughts of whether or not he did the right thing by staying put kept taunting him.
The square was relatively empty, except for the occasional person sprinting through trying to get somewhere out of the rain. No one paid any attention to the soggy, sad little padawan who sat at the edge of the square.
Obi-Wan was cold, wet, miserable and hungry. Other than the juice he'd had at breakfast he'd not eaten since last evening. He'd had so much fun swimming with Bant earlier today that they had missed noon meal.
~Force, I'd even settle for one of those nasty ration bars right now~ he thought as he looked down at his little companion.
He smiled at the soggy little critter that had remarkably reduced in size with all that fur now wet. The smile was empty though.
His hunger nowhere near compared to the despair he felt at disappointing his master. He'd tried so hard to be perfect, ~then I go and get myself lost~ he literally felt like his world was crumbling down around him. And it was, to him, a 13-year-old boy whose only goal was to please his master.
He wondered if is master would still want him. For all the good he had done in trying to please his master, all Obi-Wan could see was his mistakes. To him this was the latest let down in a long list of disappointments he had caused his master.
Again tears threatened to spill and mix with the rain, and again he pushed them back and refused to let them fall. He was shivering now, whether it was from the coldness of the air around him or the cold despair within him he did not know.
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Qui-Gon Jinn palmed open the door to his quarters. He half expected to see his padawan preparing the evening meal upon entering. When shadowed and empty quarters greeted him, he frowned.
Tossing the tea onto the table, he swirled around and headed back out the door. Reaching to access the bond again, he felt that Obi-Wan was still unharmed. Growling in frustration of his own over estimation of the boy's abilities, he stalked back to the lifts, then back into the city.
It was close to an hour before he could clearly pick up on the boys force signature and hone in on him. The rain had finally slowed to a slight mist.
He entered the square scanning the few people milling about. He could sense that his padawan was near. His frustration at having to back out into the rain and into the city had only intensified as the search for his wayward apprentice continued.
There, at the edge of the square sat the object of his frustration. The boy had yet to notice him. As he strode toward the boy he could not help but notice how small and vulnerable he looked. He was also noticeably shivering.
His steps slowed as a thought flashed through his mind. ~Force, he looks so young, so innocent~ Immediately images of what could have happened to a lost, young, beautiful boy on the lower levels of Courascant flooded his mind.
The reality of what COULD have happened, and the relief he suddenly felt at finding the boy in one piece stopped him in his tracks.
He stood yards away from his padawan, who had yet to notice him, who in fact seemed fascinated with something within his cloak.
The sudden realization that he did care for the boy despite his best efforts to distance himself only served to refuel his frustration.
In a rare show of emotion, he allowed his frustration to permeate his expression. That was of course, the exact moment that his padawan looked up and directly into the eyes of his master.
For a moment, Qui-Gon saw happiness and relief reflected in stormy gray eyes. The look was quickly replaced with shameful embarrassment as the boy stood and cast his eyes downward.
Qui-Gon approached slowly. Nothing was said as he silently wrestled with himself as to whether he should comfort or reprimand. Deciding against either one until he could better control his emotions, he opted for a neutral approach.
"Come," he said with no inflection in his voice whatsoever, as he turned to walk back to the transports.
Just then he heard a muffled whimper. It was so soft that he almost could have imagined it. Turning back to his padawan, he noticed the boy's head was still down. When he heard the noise again he realized it wasn't coming from his padawan, but rather the boys cloak.
"Obi-Wan, what do you have inside your cloak?"
The padawan raised his head and looked directly at his master with silently pleading eyes. Opening his cloak he answered, "It's a p...puppy m...master," teeth chattering, "he's l..l..lost."
"A puppy? You mean to tell me this whole fiasco is because of a puppy?" Qui- Gons voice was dangerously low and this time he did not bother to hide his annoyance.
The flash of hurt in his padawans eyes went straight to his heart. He didn't have time to analyze it, so he ignored it.
His anger at himself, at allowing the boy to mean something to him was causing the gruffness he now couldn't seem to stop displaying. He didn't want to care about Obi-Wan. He didn't like how it made HIM feel. He would not leave himself open to the possibility of that kind of betrayal again.
"We are not taking that animal back to the temple. Leave it."
Obi-Wans eyes flew to his masters, "but.."
"Leave it," that tone left no room for argument. Qui-Gon knew he was being deliberately cruel, but he just couldn't stop himself. He had to distance himself from his unwanted emotions for the boy, and this was how he was going to do it.
The boy looked at him pleadingly for a moment, but when his expression didn't change he removed the puppy from his cloak. He turned toward the bench he had been sitting on.
Obi-Wan looked back over his shoulder at his master one last time, as if still holding out some hope that he wouldn't have to do this.
Qui-Gon could see the internal struggle that waged within his padawans eyes. He did not agree with his master, and he wanted to say so. But he would not. He watched as the boy kneeled and placed the shivering wet animal under the bench, looking for a dry spot.
The boy rose and turned to his master, but he did not look at him. Keeping his head down he walked to his master's side. Leaving the square, Obi-Wan spared one final look in the direction of the wide-eyed, soggy little puppy. It hadn't moved to follow them, as if the poor thing knew it would not be welcomed.
He hung his head and tried to swallow the rather large painful lump that seemed to have taken up residence in his throat throughout the day.
Still, he did not cry.
No words were spoken on the journey back to the temple. Still drenched to the bone and shivering slightly, Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon into their quarters. He stopped just inside the door not sure what to do.
After a moments silence, his master spoke, "Are you hungry?"
He shook his head, not even knowing if his master was actually looking at him or not. He did not trust himself to speak, nor could he bring himself to raise his head.
"You may go to your room while I decide how I would like to handle this.....situation." all traces of anger and disappointment appeared to have faded from the master's voice.
Obi-Wan moved quietly to his room. Once the door closed behind him, he finally let the emotional upheaval of the day overtake him. Tears silently streamed down his face as he slowly made his way to his bed.
The mental anguish of the day had exhausted him, overriding his hunger, his uncomfortable wet clothes, and his ability to care about anything else beyond this moment.
Pulling his wet cloak tight, he lay down on his bed. His tears ran freely as he curled himself around his pillow. He was asleep within minutes.
Qui-Gon Jinn sighed as he sat in his comfortable overstuffed chair. He had taken a warm shower, changed into his sleepwear and had his hand wrapped around a nice hot cup of his favorite tea.
His thoughts, as he sipped his tea, were centered on his apprentice. His mind kept going back to that scene in the square.
The relief he felt upon finding Obi-Wan, and that no harm had come to the boy was not all that surprising. He was not heartless, and he did care for Obi-Wan. Like any Master would care for his padawan. That was his story and he was sticking to it.
What bothered him was the fleeting look of happiness that had appeared on the boys face when he finally looked up and saw his master. The unguarded emotion was so raw and so true that it couldn't have been faked.
~He was happy to see ME~ he thought. ~Not his master, not his teacher, but just ME~ Now, hours later and in the privacy of his own mind, Qui-Gon could admit how much that one look had scared him.
He knew the boy had wanted more from him, but he had thought they had come to an understanding.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes remembering the look of hurt on the boys face. He had not meant to be so.....mean. He knew he was often aloof and bordered on cold at times, but it was not like him to be so deliberately cruel.
He knew that his behavior towards the boy was based more on his own fear of his feelings rather than anything the boy had done.
~...and the puppy!~ Qui-Gon almost groaned as he turned his eyes to the ceiling. ~Force! Why didn't you just kick it too?~
He was beginning to see how outrageous his response to the whole afternoon had been. Yes, the boy and gotten lost. It was not the end of the world. He was young and still had much to learn.
That part of the afternoon wasn't what concerned him. It was his chaotic emotional reaction that bothered him.
He mentally winced recalling his hurtful words to the boy. He had felt bad as soon as they left his mouth, but he could not take them back. Would not.
The flash of pain he saw in those changeable eyes cut him deeply. He could not think about it then, he did not want to think about it now.
His instincts had told him to move, to apologize, to soothe, to....something, anything. But he did nothing.
~Well~ purposefully changing his train of thought ~the boy does not deserve to be punished, but perhaps extra meditations would be in order. If he had stayed focused this whole situation could have been avoided.~
Qui-Gon was still not ready to admit that the boy had staked a claim on his heart. If he were to admit that, there would be no turning back.
It was getting late he realized as he finished his tea. Like the night before, he noticed a sliver of light beneath Obi-Wans door as he passed to his own room. It was well pass the boys curfew. He sighed ~I hope this is not going to become a habit.~
He palmed open the door intent on speaking that same thought to the boy. He froze at the site that greeted him.
His padawan lay curled in a ball on his bed facing the door, clutching his pillow tightly. The pale white face looked extremely young and was streaked with trails of tears that had long since dried.
Qui-Gon did not need to access the bond to feel the misery that radiated from his apprentice. Not for the first time that day Qui-Gon was struck with how innocent and vulnerable the boy looked......not just looked, but IS.
Suddenly he was struck with the realization that the boy was just that.....a boy. More than just a Jedi padawan to the great Jedi Master Qui- Gon Jinn, more than just what he could mold him into. Just more. So much more.
He sagged against the doorway as that realization hit home. In his minds eye he saw a vibrant full of life boy with laughing eyes and an impish grin.
What happened to that boy?
In another revelation, he realized that the only time he had even seen that carefree boy was when he had observed the boy unobtrusively.
In his master's presence, Obi-Wan had been quiet and reserved. That carefree, youthful exuberance was replaced with shy hopeful glances and timid smiles.
He looked at the achingly innocent child that was his padawan, and knew. He knew, and his heart sank at the realization. ~Oh Force! What have I done?~ He had taken a happy, hopeful beautiful boy and turned him into a shy, insecure, miserable boy who had cried himself to sleep.
Finally, he moved forward. Suddenly all of his own fears and insecurities seemed insubstantial. He had an overwhelming urge to see those beautiful sea change eyes, and to set things right.
It would not be easy, but he owed it to this boy to try. This boy, who only weeks ago had offered his life for him in the mines of Bandomeer. This boy who he had rejected time and time again. This boy who had come into his life and turned his world upside down. This boy, who offered nothing but love, and understanding , and Light.
Settling himself on the edge of the bed he called the boys name softly. When there was no response, he tentatively reached out to caress the boy's cheek.
He was shocked to find that the skin he came into contact with was hot to the touch. Startled, he pulled his hand away and moved it to the boy's forehead.
~Force! the child is burning up!~ Belatedly Qui-Gon noticed the minute tremors wracking the small frame and the damp clothes the boy still wore.
Cursing himself for not noticing the boys condition before now, he placed a hand on the boys shoulder in an effort to rouse him, "Obi-Wan?"
When there was still no response, he shook the shoulder slightly and spoke the boys name firmly, "Obi-Wan."
The only response was a barely audible moan and a slight movement of the boys head. Growing alarmed, Qui-Gon shook the boy again, hard. The boys brow furrowed and a slight whimper escaped as he clutched the pillow tighter.
Worried now, Qui-Gon rose from the bed and began to pace. It had been a long time since he'd been responsible for a sick child.
He looked at the boy again. The tremors seemed to be becoming more pronounced and a light sheen of sweat had broken out on the boys face. Another small whimper went straight to his heart, and spurred him to action.
Moving to the bed he gently removed the pillow from the boys grasp. Almost immediately the tremors became violent. Noticing the bedding was soaked, he gathered the boy into his arms.
Instinctively, Obi-Wan curled into him snuggling against his chest, drawn to the warmth there. With no conscious thought, Qui-Gon held the boy closer and allowed his cheek to rest against the top of the boy's head, as he moved quickly to his own room.
Once there, he gently lay the boy at the end of his bed. He worked quickly to strip the boy of the wet clothing. Not wanting to waste time rummaging around the boys room for dry clothes, he grabbed one of his clean night shirts and helped the boy into it. He almost lost him in it, so great was the size difference.
With the wet clothes gone, the tremors seemed to decrease. He picked the boy up and placed him under the covers, pulling the blankets up to his chin.
Qui-Gon reluctantly left the room. He quickly placed a call to the healers and returned with a cool cloth. Gently, he wiped the perspiration from Obi- Wans brow.
The boys face was flushed and he moved restlessly beneath the covers. Qui- Gon also noted that the boys breathing was becoming labored. He silently cursed the healer for not being there already. On cue, he heard the chime announcing the healer. As if the chime itself had been the catalyst, Qui- Gon started in horror as his apprentice began to convulse.
With a small judicious use of the force, Qui-Gon released the locking mechanism on the door to his quarters. Quickly turning to Obi-Wan, he moved to hold the boy down, not knowing what else to do.
"Qui-Gon," said An-Paj as he rushed to the bedside. "When did this start?"
"Just now, when you rang the buzzer," Qui-Gon spoke quickly, almost desperately. "Do something."
Remaining calm, the healer spoke, "There's nothing to do Qui, we need to wait it out."
Qui-Gon could not remember the last time he had felt this helpless. The boy's eyes were partially open, and all Qui-Gon could see was the whites of his eyes. "His lips are turning blue!" he turned wild eyes to the healer.
Just then the boys thrashing stopped and Obi-Wan lie completely still.
"Qui-Gon, I need you to step outside."
"Like hell..."
"NOW, Qui-Gon!" as he spoke, An-Paj removed various instruments from is bag. "You have a very sick padawan here and I dont have time to argue with you."
Reluctantly Qui-Gon retreated to the outer room. He sat in the same chair he had vacated less than an hour before. It seemed so much longer.
He sat unmoving, as if in shock. He played the last hour over and over again in his head. The image of Obi-Wan curled up on his bed after crying himself to sleep kept taunting him.
He closed his eyes. Why did it feel like he'd just found the boy? He'd been here all along. He thought about the last two weeks and really decided to examine them.
Had he been so closed off that he hadn't really paid any attention to the pain he was causing his padawan?
Being truthful with himself finally, he had to admit that on some level he did know. He had just chosen to ignore it. He had been so wrapped up in protecting his own feelings that he completely disregarded those of his padawan.
In light of this newest revelation, he hung his head in shame. He recalled every hurtful thing that was said, and not said. Every shy smile, every hopeful glance, every flash of pain that he had caused in those way too expressive sea-change eyes.
He had to make it right. Now that he had given himself permission to care for the boy, he could not stop the flood of paternal emotions that seemed to want to break free.
An-Paj emerged from his bedroom, breaking him from his reverie. Qui-Gon was immediately on his feet and stepped forward to meet the healer, "How is he?"
"He's got a fever of 104 degrees and he's seriously dehydrated, which is most likely what caused the seizure. I've given him something that should reduce the fever, but you will have to check it every 1/2 hour or so."
Qui-Gon nodded, checking his chrono.
"I've applied an IV infusion patch to his right arm, to help with the dehydration, so be mindful of that."
"Shouldn't we move him to the Healers Wing?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I dont think that is necessary, Qui. Knowing Obi-Wan he'll be more comfortable here. Just keep him cool, and if his fever does not go down-- comm me immediately."
"Alright," Qui-Gon spoke wearily, distractedly as he carded his fingers through his hair. "Thank you, An-Paj."
"How are you doing, Qui?" the healer could tell that his friend was rattled.
"I'm fine. Its Obi-Wan I'm worried about. Is he really going to be alright?"
"Qui, children get sick all the time. It's scary sometimes I know, but he's going to be fine."
Qui-Gon only nodded, not wanting to elaborate on just how relieved he was at the healer's words.
"I'll check back in the morning."
After seeing An-Paj to the door, Qui-Gon returned to his room. He was struck again with how small his padawan looked, especially in his large bed.
The restless movements had ceased and the pale face looked relaxed. Moving to Obi-Wans bedside he noted his right arm carefully arranged on top of the blankets.
He took that small hand in his own, mindful of the IV patch, and moved his other to the boy's forehead. He was relieved to find that the boy did not feel quite so hot. He sat there for the longest time just looking at the boy, memorizing his features.
When Obi-Wan sighed and mumbled something inarticulate in his sleep, he smiled gently. ~How could I have ever, purposefully hurt this child?~
For the next two hours Qui-Gon sat vigil, taking the boys temperature diligently every 1/2 hour. When the fever finally dropped to 101 degrees, he allowed himself to relax slightly. Eventually he fell into a light doze in the chair beside his bed.
He was awoken less than an hour later by more restless movements and sleepy words. He sat forward in concern to check the boy's temperature. Still 101 degrees. They boy was mumbling about something and seemed to be distressed. This did not look to be fever induced, a dream maybe?
Placing his large hand atop the boy's head, he smoothed that spiky ginger hair back, all the while speaking in low soothing tones. When that didn't calm the boy, Qui-Gon did something he should have done weeks ago. He opened the bond between them completely. No peeking in and running back out as he had done earlier in the day.
He had to brace himself against the onslaught of images and emotions the boy projected. He felt despair. Insecurity. Fear. All of these emotions swirled around the images, most of which starred himself. He saw this day through the eyes of his padawan.
He felt his padawans shock and shy pleasure at breakfast when he'd asked the boy to accompany him into the city.
He felt his nervous hopeful excitement as he confided in his friend, Bant.
He felt the awe the boy had upon entering the city.
He felt the devastation his words on the transport had caused, and the despair as the boy had thought that his master would never love him.
Unbeknownst to Qui-Gon, a single tear had escaped his tightly closed lids and slowly tracked its way down his face. The images kept coming.
He smiled as he felt the complete and utter joy his padawan had felt upon finding the puppy.
He felt the panic when he realized he'd lost his master.
He felt the despair return as he searched for his master.
He even felt the boys hunger.
He felt the all to short flash of pure happiness at seeing his master.
He felt the all consuming despair descend yet again upon seeing the irritation on HIS face.
He felt the pain and disbelief when his master told him to leave the puppy.
He felt the internal struggle to disagree with his master's decision, and his shame in not being strong enough to do so.
He felt the resignation of his presumed failure, and his fear at being sent back to the Agri-corps.
He felt the anguish of the boy's tears as the emotions of the day finally consumed him.
And finally, he felt the boy lose all hope as he had climbed onto his bed wet clothes and all.
Sometime during his reverie, he had climbed onto the bed and gathered Obi- Wan into his arms. A day that he had dismissed as not the end of the world, had felt like exactly that to his padawan. Had he so forgotten what it felt like to be young, to sometimes not be able to see beyond the moment?
Resting his head a top those matted ginger spikes, be began rocking gently, quietly repeating a heartfelt litany, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry...."
He had no idea how long he sat there like that. After some time, and still cradling Obi-Wan in his arms he moved to rest against the headboard. Slightly before sunrise the master joined his apprentice in some much needed sleep.
Obi-Wan awoke at 5th hour like he did every morning. Except he was having a really hard time waking up this morning. He willed his eyes to open, they would not comply. He snuggled into the warmth of his 'bed'.
He'd never felt this comfortable. He knew he had to get up; he had to fix breakfast for his master. He was so tired though. He was already falling back into sleep as he weakly tried to push away his blankets. He had to be dreaming. He could have sworn that he felt that welcoming warmth tighten around him. He could have sworn he heard his master's voice.
"Shhhhh. Sleep, little one." Qui-Gon said quietly and added the most gentle of force suggestions. Once he was sure the boy was fast asleep, he too closed his eyes. It had been a long night. They both deserved to sleep in.
It was close to 8th hour when Qui-Gon woke again. He moved slightly, adjusting Obi-Wan within his arms. He took the boys temperature again and was relieved to see that it was back to normal.
A slight movement brought his attention back to his apprentice. The boy was groggily reaching for consciousness. He watched as thick ginger lashes began to flutter.
Through the bond he could feel the boys reluctance to wake up, and some indiscriminant thoughts of how sithly mornings were.
Qui-Gon smiled, until he caught the flare of panic that swept through the boy as his internal time sense alerted him to the hour.
Before he could move to calm the boy, those beautiful green eyes flew open. Eyes wide, he stared directly into those of his master. Qui-Gon saw shock there, shock and panic. Panic not for the hour now, but for his surroundings. Not that he'd noticed anything beyond his master yet.
Anxious to break the stretching silence and to put the boy at ease Qui-Gon spoke, "Good morning. How do you feel?" The boys brow furrowed and Qui-Gon could not surpress a slight chuckle as he spoke again, "it's not a hard question Obi-Wan."
Seemingly still in shock, the boy finally answered, "f....fine. I feel fine." As he spoke, the boys eyes began to scan his surroundings. Qui-Gons heart clenched as he noticed the uncertainty in the boys gaze. He realized it was going to take some time to undo all the damage he'd done.
Trying for a lighter tone, he continued. "Do you have any idea what you put me through last night?" One look at the boy told him that the words had been heard, but not the tone in which he had meant them.
Obi-Wan immediately lowered his eyes and caught his lower lip between his teeth before speaking, "N....no master. I...I...I'm sorry if...."
"Obi-Wan" Qui-Gon interrupted before the lump in his throat could start to form. "Look at me please."
He watched as the boy slowly, hesitantly raised his eyes. Eyes that were slightly awash with unshed tears. Through the bond Qui-Gon could feel the echo of the boys emotions, so hopeful, but so afraid he had disappointed his master yet again.
Qui-Gon raised his hand and cupped one side of the boys face. "I am not angry with you, and you have not disappointed me." As he spoke he gently caressed the boys cheek with his thumb. He smiled sadly as the boys eyes widened slightly at the contact.
"You've been very sick, padawan."
"I was?" Obi-Was asked softly, still staring into his master's eyes.
"Yes, you were. You had a very high fever, so high that you had a seizure."
"I did?" Eyes widened again, this time in horror.
"Yes, you did. You gave me quite the scare..."
"I'm sorry master, I did not mean...." Again the eyes lowered and Qui-Gon could not suppress a flash of irritation at himself. He had done this; he had caused this insecure, self-deprecating behavior. He could not believe the boy felt he had to apologize for being sick.
"Stop apologizing," Unwittingly, his frustration at himself had crossed over into his voice and his words came out sounding harsh.
He felt Obi-wan stiffen in his arms and the boys breathing seemed to quicken. He could not see Obi-Wans eyes since they were still lowered, but he did see that bottom lip tremble ever so slightly.
Immediately he softened his voice, "Obi-Wan, please look at me." For a moment he thought the boy would not comply. He moved his hand from the side of the boys face to cup his chin. Very gently he urged that face upward, and was heartbroken when a single tear broke free from wet lashes and rolled slowly down the boys face. More broke free and followed as the boy raised his eyes to meet those of his master.
Looking into those gray tear washed eyes, Qui-Gon could barely restrain his own as he spoke, "Oh, Obi-Wan" letting is emotions break free he decided to trust them. He cupped the boys face with both of his own hands as he spoke. "What have I done to you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please....forgive me...."
He stopped speaking as he noted the look of shock on Obi-Wans face. "Obi- Wan? What is it?"
"You...you're apologizing to m...me?"
"Yes. I am apologizing to YOU," he smiled and brushed a tear from the boys cheek with his thumb. "You deserve that, and so much more."
Obi-Wan was still looking at him with that expression of shock, and more than a little confusion. ~Well why wouldn't he?~ he thought. ~He has no idea you finally realized what an idiot you were being.~
"Obi-Wan, listen to me," he spoke gently and softly to take the sting out of what he had to say. "I want you to know that..." this was going to be hard, but he had to say it. "I didn't want you in my life."
When the boy tried to look away, Qui-Gon held his chin and his increasingly watery gaze. "Not because of you, because of me. It was never because of you. You have done nothing wrong. You've been an excellent apprentice."
"Then why?" all the sorrow the boy had felt in the past weeks seemed to culminate in those two words.
"Sometime, very soon we are going to sit down and talk about that. I WANT you to know why. But for now I just want you to know that I am sorry" He smiled sadly down at the upturned face. "I never meant to hurt you. Can you forgive me?"
Obi-Wan just looked at him for a moment as if trying to read something within his eyes. Then without warning the boy launched himself forward and wrapped his arms tightly around the master's neck.
Qui-Gon brought his arms up and embraced Obi-Wan just as tightly. He could feel the small tremors the boy tried to suppress. He began to rub his hands in soothing circles on the boys back.
After some time, Obi-Wans grip on his neck began to loosen. He heard a small sniffle and allowed himself to smile.
"I take it that's a yes?" Qui-Gon asked, and his smile widened as the felt Obi-Wan nod. "Are you OK?" Again the boy only nodded, obviously not trusting himself to speak.
Qui-Gon just held him and continued his soothing touch to the boys back. He waited until Obi-Wan began to pull away before releasing him. He turned away slightly to allow the boy some privacy to surreptitiously wipe his eyes.
"I know I can never take back all the pain I've caused you these past two weeks, but I would very much like the chance to make it up to you. What do you say we start over....today. I have a brand new padawan that I would very much like to get to know."
He was rewarded with a shy, yet happy smile from his padawan. "I would like that very much, master."
"Good, but first things first. How about some breakfast?"
The boy had already swung his feet over the side of the bed with a "yes, master" before Qui-Gon realized what he was doing.
Placing his hand gently on Obi-Wans shoulder before the boy could rise, he asked "And just where are you going?"
"To make breakfast," was the somewhat confused reply.
"No....you are going to stay right here and take it easy. I will make you breakfast."
"But, that's my job" said Obi-Wan somewhat distressed.
"No actually that's a responsibility we should share. I'm afraid I just sort of let you take over. Your cooking is much better than mine," he replied with a wink.
He smiled when Obi-Wan seemed to relax again. He ruffled the boy's hair as he got up to go to the kitchen. He could feel through the bond the shy pleasure his gesture had invoked. The bond. Obi-Wan was not yet aware that he had opened it.
Just then, the front door chimed, announcing a visitor. "You stay put. I will bring you something to eat."
Obi-Wan watched as his master hurried from the room. Feeling slightly overwhelmed he just sat there looking around his master's room. He had gotten a look into this room before, from the doorway. He had never dared to enter any further.
Looking down, he noticed he was wearing one of his master's tunics. For some reason his eyes began to water. He pulled his knees up close to his chest and wrapped the rather large shirt tightly around, hugging himself. Rocking gently, he couldn't help but wonder if this was real...if it would disappear if he were to blink.
Qui-Gon hurried to palm open the door. "Mace! its about time. Did you find it?" he paid absolutely no mind to the disgruntled look the councilor gave him.
"You really owe me for this one, Jinn. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt running around peeking under park benches?"
"Did you find it!?!" Qui-Gon sounded impatient.
"Yes, I found it" Mace sounded equally impatient. He looked to his right, then to his left to make sure the corridor was empty. Finally he reached into his cloak and pulled out a small, slightly damp, wide-eyed puppy. "I'll have you know--it bit me too. Look at that," he pointed to the skin on his right hand. There WAS a slight discoloration there.
"Look, Mace. I don't have time for this right now. Thank you very much, and yes I do owe you....big. You've just made my padawans day....vicariously of course."
"Yes, well.... I guess it was worth it then," the councilors tone had softened. "How is Obi-Wan?"
"He's much better. Thank you again for this. You are the only one I knew I could count on for this."
"Yes well, don't expect me to be answering any more pre dawn comm calls from you any time soon though." He meant it, but it was softened with a friendly understanding smile.
Mace turned to walk away, then paused and turned to look back at his friend. "Its good to have you back, Qui."
"It's good to be back," he smiled as the door closed. The smile died instantly as the felt a wave of helpless despair sweep through the bond he shared with Obi-Wan.
Tucking the puppy into his cloak, he spared a moments thought to how many cloaks the poor thing had been stuffed into recently. His long strides took him to his room quickly and he sat down on the bed beside his padawan.
The concern was evident in his eyes as he took in the small, huddled form that was his padawan. "Obi-Wan, whets wrong?"
"Oh, n....nothing really," the padawan was slightly embarrassed under the intense scrutiny of his master. But Qui-Gon could feel the emotions swirling through the bond. The boy had not even tried to access the bond. Qui-Gon felt somewhat guilty about that.
He did not like some of the thoughts he was hearing either. Apparently the boy was having a hard time believing that this was real, or even if it was, that it wouldn't last. It was time to reassure.
//Oh, it is very real padawan. And it WILL last, because I will never let you go now that i've found you.//
Obi-Wan had been looking at his master when he heard the words so clearly spoken in his head. His eyes widened so comically that Qui-Gon would have laughed if it weren't for the sheen of tears that brightened the boy's eyes.
//Master?//
Qui-Gon could feel the boy timidly touch the bond. He sent all the affection he felt at the moment along with all the regret for the pain he had caused over the past two weeks.
He felt it wash over the boy, and almost overwhelm him. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, just allowing himself to feel the affection he had so desperately craved. HE felt his heart surge with joy and purposefully tried to dampen it. He still could not believe that this was for real.
//Why do you not believe, my Obi-Wan?//
Oh how he liked the sound of those two words, my Obi-Wan. //It's just so..... I never imagined...I never allowed myself to imagine what this would feel like. I wanted this....I wanted ....you, so much...but....// the mental voice sounded so small and lost that Qui-Gon decided to step in.
//But...you never thought it would happen?//
//No, I didn't// Obi-Wan lowered his eyes. He did not intend for his next thoughts to be heard through the bond, but they were. ~Please, please, please let this be real~ He didn't say that it would crush him if it were not, but the feeling was there and that too traveled through the bond.
"Obi-Wan, Look at me." speaking out loud he reached out to cup the boys chin as the boy looked to his master. "This is real padawan. I will never shut you out again. From this moment, we will be the master and padawan we were meant to be. I give you my word."
Before he could register the movement, his padawan was in his arms squeezing him tight. //I love you//
Qui-Gon was startled by that softly spoken admission. So startled that he didn't respond, unfortunately he was interrupted by a high-pitched yelp.
Obi-Wan sat back immediately, confusion plainly written on his face. "Master?"
"Oh, yes. I forgot. We have a guest." He slowly opened his cloak and revealed two shiny, wide black eyes.
As if that were the invitation she had been waiting for the little fur ball leaped from the master's cloak directly into the arms of the padawan.
Qui-Gon was hard pressed to tell who looked happier, the little puppy wagging its tail excitedly and licking his padawans face or the laughing full of delight padawan who held her interest.
Obi-Wan was at such a loss for words that he did not even try to speak. His heart was in his eyes as he looked at his master. He tried to send the jumble of emotions he was feeling towards his master.
Qui-Gon for his part was a little overwhelmed at the unabashed love and affection, among other things that his padawan had poured into the bond. His heart flip-flopped slightly as he recalled the softly spoken 'I love you' the boy had spoken. Distancing himself from that, for now, he spoke to his padawan through the bond.
//Obi-Wan. I felt your struggle last night. You wanted to disagree with me about leaving our little friend here behind//
"Yes." the boy spoke aloud, but it was flat and hesitant. He wasn't sure where this was going.
Qui-Gon sighed. It was going to take time he had to remember. //Don't ever fear to disagree with me padawan. I may not like what you have to say, but I will always listen. Understand?//
//Yes, master// the boy visibly relaxed and again focused his attention on the puppy. Again Qui-Gon could feel the boy's shy pleasure through the bond.
Reaching forward to scratch the puppy behind her ears, Qui-Gon addressed another matter. "Now, we cant keep her mind you, but we can find her a home or perhaps locate her owner."
"I would like that," Obi-Wan paused before going on. "Master....I....thank you," he said shyly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Qui-Gon spent the rest of the day getting to know his apprentice. They ate their meals together, there in his bed; they played a game or two, and did a lot of talking.
He had helped his padawan to the fresher and into a bath at Obi-Wans soft request. Clean and in fresh sleepwear the padawan shyly returned to his masters bed.
Qui-Gon could tell the boy was fighting sleep, but was about to lose the battle. He tucked his padawan in, intending to take the sleep couch.
He felt the boy struggling to say something but not knowing how to put it into words. It had not gone unnoticed that his master had not returned his softly spoken words earlier in the day. The boy was becoming distressed, thinking he may have overstepped his bounds.
The eyes drooped lower; his padawan was definitely losing his battle with sleep. Qui-Gon, laying his hand atop Obi-Wans head accessed the bond //I love you too, my Obi-Wan. Sleep well//
THE END.
Title From this Moment
Rating G
Genre Angst/Mush
Disclaimer All recognizable characters belong to GL
Summary It was the will of the Force not his own that Qui-Gon Jinn take another apprentice. He would give his knowledge, but he refused to give his heart. Little did he realize that he never really had a choice.
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Deciding his desk was not very comfortable, Obi-Wan Kenobi grabbed his data pad and sprawled across his bed on his stomach. Resting his chin on his hand he continued to work on next weeks lessons.
He was tired, but he wanted to finish this last set of problems. He heard movement in the outer room and realized that his master was still up as well.
He had not spoken with his master since evening meal, and even then it was only polite conversation initiated by him to break the awkward silence.
It had been two weeks since he had returned from Bandomeer as Qui-Gons padawan. He was so happy that Qui-Gon had finally accepted him. It didn't take long however for him to realize that perhaps his master had accepted him begrudgingly.
~The Force, with a little help from Yoda, may have willed that he take me as his padawan, but that doesn't mean he has to like it I guess.~
His breath hitched slightly as he thought of how his master had showed no interest in getting to know him as a person.
It had hurt him terribly, it still did, but he had gotten past it. He was a padawan, and he had a great master....the greatest as far as he was concerned. That was what he wanted. He told himself that it didn't matter that his master didn't seem to care about him personally. ~He's supposed to train you, not baby you.~ he thought.
So Obi-Wan had decided to be the best padawan he could be. He did not want to give Qui-Gon any reason to regret his decision to take him on.
Though he was most definately not a morning person Obi-Wan would rise early every morning and prepare breakfast for his master. After cleaning the dishes he was off to his classes for the day. He would meet Qui-Gon for afternoon sparring, then it was back to their quarters to prepare for the evening meal.
Once he had cleared those dishes he would retire to his room for the evening to meditate and work on the lessons he was way ahead in.
He longed to be close to Qui-Gon, but every attempt he had made was rebuffed. After awhile he felt like he was being a nuisance so he had just stopped trying.
Obi-Wans eyes began to droop as he stared at the blinking light on the data pad. Straightening the arm he had been resting his chin on he slowly bent his head, using the same arm as a pillow.
He told himself again that it didn't matter that Qui-Gon didn't seem to like him. He would fulfill his duty to train Obi-Wan as a padawan. That would be enough.
He knew he was lying to himself, that he wanted so much more. As his eyes closed and he allowed sleep to finally claim him, he allowed himself to dream. He dreamt of what could be.......if his master would only let him in.
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Qui-Gon Jinn had finished his tea and was preparing for bed. As he passed his padawans door en route to his own room he noticed a sliver of light beneath the door. He palmed open the door intent on reminding his padawan of curfew.
What he saw could have warmed his heart, if he had let it. The boy was sprawled stomach down on his bed, one arm dangling over the side of the bed, the other being used as a pillow.
A data pad still activated cast a soft green glow across they youth's innocent features, making him look even younger than his 13 years. Qui-Gon stood taking in the scene a moment before simply switching off the light and moving on to his own room.
After donning a pair of sleep pants, he paused as he slipped under the covers of his full size bed. The image of his sleeping apprentice flooded his mind.
It occurred to him that perhaps he should cover the boy with a blanket. He almost moved to do so, and then ruthlessly crushed any such thought. He would not coddle this boy. He had learned his lesson with Xanatos.
Obi-Wan was his student, nothing more. The force had decided that he take another padawan, not him. He would give the boy all the knowledge he needed to become a great knight, but he would not give him his heart.
He thought back over the last two weeks upon returning from Bandomeer. Things had been uncomfortable for him at first. Obi-Wan had tried to get close to him and he'd had an undeniable enthusiasm for his new padawan duties.
Just the way the boy looked at him was almost enough to send him running. Those eyes. He still had yet to define the exact color of those eyes. Green one moment, gray the next, and he could have sworn he saw a hint of blue on certain occasions. Whatever their color, those eyes always looked upon him with such wonder, such admiration, such devotion, such.......love.
He had moved quickly to put some distance between them. Now, two weeks later they had settled into a routine Qui-Gon was much more comfortable with.
He'd had to be a little cold towards the boy at first, just to get him to understand the nature of their relationship. They weren't family after all. They were teacher and student.
Qui-Gon could not deny that Obi-Wan was a good student. He was accelerating in all his studies and his sparring technique was well beyond those of his agemates.
The boy even cooked breakfast for him for force sakes. Thankfully Obi-Wan no longer tried to engage him in uncomfortable conversations, or any conversation really. When alone in their quarters the boy excused himself to his room.
Yes, this was how he wanted things. When they did speak it was of training or studies, anything directly related to that aspect of their relationship.
The only meal the master and apprentice did not share was noon meal. He had spied Obi-Wan eating with his friends on a few occasions. He had observed the boy unobtrusively during those times.
When they had first arrived back from Bandomeer the boy was overly animated and energetic. The first time Qui-Gon saw him he thought the boy was surely going to bounce right out of his seat. His enthusiasm seemed to be contagious and soon the whole table was just a buzz with it.
Qui-Gon had made a mental note to himself to speak with his padawan regarding better control of his emotions. Just because they were in temple was no reason for the boy to not act appropriately.
It seemed to work. The last time he had observed Obi-Wan, the boy was reserved and quiet, behavior much more befitting a Jedi.
Yes, his padawan was coming along nicely. What he failed to see was how his padawan only picked at his food. He didn't see that Obi-Wan no longer initiated conversations, only responded to them. He did not notice the worried glances the boys friends exchanged.
Qui-Gon turned to his side; sleep was finally looking to be a possibility. Tomorrow was a free day for he and his padawan. He had an errand to run in the city; perhaps he would take the boy with him.
Obi-Wan awoke promptly at 5th hour. Sometime during the night he had awoken and climbed under his covers. ~It's funny how comfortable this bed is when I don't want to get up~ he thought. This was the hardest part though. Once he got out of bed he was fine.
Instead of burrowing back down into the warmth of his comforter like he wanted to, he threw off the covers and got to his feet.
It was almost like going swimming with Bant. Instead of wading into the cool water, torturing himself, he would just run and jump in. That was the only way he could do it.
Still, he looked back over his shoulder longingly at this bed before heading to the fresher.
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Qui-Gon exited his bedroom just as Obi-Wan finished setting the table. He stood waiting for his master to be seated.
"Good morning, Master."
"Morning, padawan."
Obi-Wan expected no other conversation to take place so he was surprised when Qui-Gon spoke.
"Do you have plans today Padawan?"
"Yes, master. Bant and I are to meet in the library at 9th hour to begin our research for Master Bel'ya's class."
"I see" was the master's only response.
Qui-Gon was pleased to see that his padawan was being constructive with his free day. He decided that today would be a perfect day for another lesson.
"I have to go into the city today, padawan. I know this is your free day, but would you like to accompany me?"
Obi-Wan was in the process of raising his glass of muju juice when Qui-Gon spoke. He froze, eyes widening slightly in surprise. He wasn't sure he heard correctly.
Had Qui-Gon actually asked him to go somewhere with him? They never did anything together outside of training.
A huge grin stole across his face, breaking his momentary paralysis, "I would love to go with you, master."
Qui-Gon did not notice how softly and almost shyly the boys response was spoken. "Very well," he replied. "Meet me here after noon meal and we'll be on our way."
"I'll be here"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That's wonderful, Obi" said Bant as she squeezed her friends hand. She had not seen him this happy or excited since he first returned as Master Jinn's padawan.
"I still can't believe he asked me. He didn't have to you know, it's a free day for him too." Obi-Wan rattled on, too excited to even think about studying.
"He must want to spend some time with me."
"Well why wouldn't he want to spend time with you. You are pretty special you know." she smiled as he blushed slightly and ducked his head.
"Not so special" he said softly.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi. There's not one person who knows you who would say otherwise," her tone was somewhat admonishing. "Except maybe that lunkhead master of yours."
"BANT!" his eyes widened in horror and he quickly looked around as if expecting said master to appear. "You shouldn't talk like that."
"I know Obi, I'm sorry" she squeezed his hand again. "It's just that you've waited so long for this, and you've been through so much recently. It wouldn't kill him to be nice to you."
"But that's why this is so great," said Obi-Wan getting excited again. "He wants me to go with him, Bant. HE ASKED ME. It wasn't an order; it has nothing to do with training. Maybe he's finally ready to let me in."
She felt her eyes start to water at the hope she saw shining in her friends eyes. She hugged him quickly, hoping he wouldn't see. ~Oh, force. I hope so~ she thought.
"Come on" she said aloud. "We're not going to get any studying done today. Lets go for a swim."
"What time is it?" asked Obi-Wan
"It's only 11th hour, you have plenty of time," teased Bant.
"Well, what are we waiting for then?" he flashed her one of his trademark grins and they were off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After walking two blocks from the temple Obi-Wan and his master caught their first public transport. There was little conversation thus far, but Obi-Wan was almost too preoccupied to notice.
As an initiate he had been on a few field trips into the city, the last being about two years ago. His eyes took in everything. He noticed there were at least 6 different species on the transport with them. Some he'd never seen before, and one that he wasn't quite sure he knew what to think of.
Qui-Gon watched as his apprentice took in his surroundings while being completely unaware of them at the same time. The boy was not focused at all. ~Yes, this was a good idea~ he thought.
"Obi-Wan" as he spoke, the boy immediately turned to him.
"Yes, master?" was it his imagination or did the boy seem to have that anxious, hopeful look in his eyes again?
"I asked you to join me today because I thought this would be a good opportunity for you to better connect with the living force in an unfamiliar environment."
Qui-Gon paused as the boys face seemed to fall. "Is there a problem padawan?"
After a slight hesitation they boy softly cleared his throat and answered, "N...no, master. Please continue."
Qui-Gon regarded his apprentice silently for a moment. The boy had assumed a neutral expression and appeared to be waiting for him to continue. His eyes however, looked suspiciously bright and held a sadness in them.
For a moment Qui-Gon considered accessing the bond. He had not done so since Bandomeer when the spontaneous link had formed.
He would have to do so eventually to forge a working training bond, however he had not been able to bring himself to do so thus far.
"Very well," deciding against opening the bond Qui-Gon continued.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi-Wan walked quickly to keep pace with his masters much longer strides. They had changed transports again and descended two levels. The square they were crossing was very crowded and people were shoulder to shoulder, all going in different directions.
He felt like an empty shell walking. When he realized his master had brought him along as part of his training, his heart had turned to lead and dropped to his stomach.
It was still there. He now realized his master would never love him, would never think of him as a son. He felt so foolish.
Somewhere in his heart of hearts he had clung to some semblance of hope that his master would open his heart to him.
He doggedly followed his master through the crowd, lost in his own thoughts. Suddenly something ran into his legs, throwing him slightly off balance.
Looking down he saw a big ball of yellow fur with eyes looking back up at him. He surmised it was a puppy; it really was hard to tell with all that fur.
The fur ball had perched its two front paws on the padawans leg and was wagging its tail excitedly. Kneeling, the padawan scooped the small animal up into his arms. This was taken as an invitation to start licking the padawans face.
With a totally unconscious smile the apprentice looked to his master, and felt a moments panic when Qui-Gon was nowhere to be seen. He moved forward through the crowd, still carrying the puppy in his arms.
After an hour of searching, the padawan sat down heavily on a bench at the edge of the square. ~Could this day possibly get any worse? ~ he thought.
His question was answered a moment later. Coruscant was a climate- controlled planet, so it almost seemed a cruel joke that the powers that be had decided that it should rain at that exact moment.
The padawan tucked the puppy inside of his cloak and tried to wrap himself in tighter as well. His master had not told him where they were going. He had no money, and he realized that he had no idea where he was. They had changed transports and levels too many times and Obi-Wan was not sure which direction it was to the temple.
His earlier despair was nothing to what he felt now. Not knowing what to do, he decided it would be safer to stay put. His master would realize that he was missing and come back for him.
He would try to make it as easy as possible for Qui-Gon to find him. His heart fell again as he imagined how disappointed his master would be. He felt tears well in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
It seemed he could do nothing right.
Qui-Gon Jinn strode from the last transport that would take him to his destination. His mind had been preoccupied since speaking with his padawan regarding his lesson. Something wasn't quite right with the boy.
He was thankful Obi-Wan had remained quiet and seemed to be trying to focus on his lesson. He simply took it for granted that the boy was two steps behind and to the left of him.
Something in the boys eyes when they spoke earlier kept tugging at his heart.....no, his thoughts. ~Force, where did that thought come from."
The little shop that was his destination came into view. He had come here quite often over the past decade or so, whenever he was on planet. Yes, it was a bit far to come for his favorite tea, but some things were worth the extra effort.
Some things were worth the extra effort.
He turned to address his padawan and was shocked when he realized that the boy was not there. For a moment he could not move. His mind raced with possibilities.
Reaching out with the force he sensed no darkness or disturbance. He relaxed, only slightly. Next he tried to hone in on his padawans force signature. The boy had an unusually bright and untainted presence within the force.
Unfortunately, there appeared to be a significant distance between them and too many other beings in the way.
With no other choice available, Qui-Gon tried to access the bond. The link felt tenuous and weak. He could sense his padawan as unharmed, but the distance prevented him from sensing anything else.
For the first time, he silently cursed himself for not nurturing the bond before now. He had no doubt that if there were an immediate danger that the bond would flare to life, as it had on Bandomeer.
It didn't take him long to surmise what had most likely happened. They had gotten separated. The boy had probably lost his focus and stopped to gawk at something, while he had kept going assuming the boy was right behind him.
He sighed in annoyance. He was wet and annoyed. ~Well, at least he's smart enough to make his way back to the temple. I didn't come all this way for nothing,~ he thought. With that he entered the little shop to procure his favorite tea.
When Qui-Gon exited the shop he noticed the rain showed no sign of slowing. As a matter of fact, it looked to be getting worse.
It had taken him 2 hours to get here, he really didn't feel like trudging all the way back to the public transports and making all those changeovers again.
Instead he flagged down an air taxi. It would cut his time in half and it would be much drier. After directing the driver to the temple, he sat back to enjoy the ride.
He was sure his padawan would be waiting for him, probably expecting and waiting for a rebuke. Qui-Gon began to thinking of ways to help the boy improve his focus. ~Perhaps, two more hours a day of meditation will help,~ he thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi-Wan was getting a little worried. It had been 3 hours since he had 'lost' his master. Thoughts of whether or not he did the right thing by staying put kept taunting him.
The square was relatively empty, except for the occasional person sprinting through trying to get somewhere out of the rain. No one paid any attention to the soggy, sad little padawan who sat at the edge of the square.
Obi-Wan was cold, wet, miserable and hungry. Other than the juice he'd had at breakfast he'd not eaten since last evening. He'd had so much fun swimming with Bant earlier today that they had missed noon meal.
~Force, I'd even settle for one of those nasty ration bars right now~ he thought as he looked down at his little companion.
He smiled at the soggy little critter that had remarkably reduced in size with all that fur now wet. The smile was empty though.
His hunger nowhere near compared to the despair he felt at disappointing his master. He'd tried so hard to be perfect, ~then I go and get myself lost~ he literally felt like his world was crumbling down around him. And it was, to him, a 13-year-old boy whose only goal was to please his master.
He wondered if is master would still want him. For all the good he had done in trying to please his master, all Obi-Wan could see was his mistakes. To him this was the latest let down in a long list of disappointments he had caused his master.
Again tears threatened to spill and mix with the rain, and again he pushed them back and refused to let them fall. He was shivering now, whether it was from the coldness of the air around him or the cold despair within him he did not know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Qui-Gon Jinn palmed open the door to his quarters. He half expected to see his padawan preparing the evening meal upon entering. When shadowed and empty quarters greeted him, he frowned.
Tossing the tea onto the table, he swirled around and headed back out the door. Reaching to access the bond again, he felt that Obi-Wan was still unharmed. Growling in frustration of his own over estimation of the boy's abilities, he stalked back to the lifts, then back into the city.
It was close to an hour before he could clearly pick up on the boys force signature and hone in on him. The rain had finally slowed to a slight mist.
He entered the square scanning the few people milling about. He could sense that his padawan was near. His frustration at having to back out into the rain and into the city had only intensified as the search for his wayward apprentice continued.
There, at the edge of the square sat the object of his frustration. The boy had yet to notice him. As he strode toward the boy he could not help but notice how small and vulnerable he looked. He was also noticeably shivering.
His steps slowed as a thought flashed through his mind. ~Force, he looks so young, so innocent~ Immediately images of what could have happened to a lost, young, beautiful boy on the lower levels of Courascant flooded his mind.
The reality of what COULD have happened, and the relief he suddenly felt at finding the boy in one piece stopped him in his tracks.
He stood yards away from his padawan, who had yet to notice him, who in fact seemed fascinated with something within his cloak.
The sudden realization that he did care for the boy despite his best efforts to distance himself only served to refuel his frustration.
In a rare show of emotion, he allowed his frustration to permeate his expression. That was of course, the exact moment that his padawan looked up and directly into the eyes of his master.
For a moment, Qui-Gon saw happiness and relief reflected in stormy gray eyes. The look was quickly replaced with shameful embarrassment as the boy stood and cast his eyes downward.
Qui-Gon approached slowly. Nothing was said as he silently wrestled with himself as to whether he should comfort or reprimand. Deciding against either one until he could better control his emotions, he opted for a neutral approach.
"Come," he said with no inflection in his voice whatsoever, as he turned to walk back to the transports.
Just then he heard a muffled whimper. It was so soft that he almost could have imagined it. Turning back to his padawan, he noticed the boy's head was still down. When he heard the noise again he realized it wasn't coming from his padawan, but rather the boys cloak.
"Obi-Wan, what do you have inside your cloak?"
The padawan raised his head and looked directly at his master with silently pleading eyes. Opening his cloak he answered, "It's a p...puppy m...master," teeth chattering, "he's l..l..lost."
"A puppy? You mean to tell me this whole fiasco is because of a puppy?" Qui- Gons voice was dangerously low and this time he did not bother to hide his annoyance.
The flash of hurt in his padawans eyes went straight to his heart. He didn't have time to analyze it, so he ignored it.
His anger at himself, at allowing the boy to mean something to him was causing the gruffness he now couldn't seem to stop displaying. He didn't want to care about Obi-Wan. He didn't like how it made HIM feel. He would not leave himself open to the possibility of that kind of betrayal again.
"We are not taking that animal back to the temple. Leave it."
Obi-Wans eyes flew to his masters, "but.."
"Leave it," that tone left no room for argument. Qui-Gon knew he was being deliberately cruel, but he just couldn't stop himself. He had to distance himself from his unwanted emotions for the boy, and this was how he was going to do it.
The boy looked at him pleadingly for a moment, but when his expression didn't change he removed the puppy from his cloak. He turned toward the bench he had been sitting on.
Obi-Wan looked back over his shoulder at his master one last time, as if still holding out some hope that he wouldn't have to do this.
Qui-Gon could see the internal struggle that waged within his padawans eyes. He did not agree with his master, and he wanted to say so. But he would not. He watched as the boy kneeled and placed the shivering wet animal under the bench, looking for a dry spot.
The boy rose and turned to his master, but he did not look at him. Keeping his head down he walked to his master's side. Leaving the square, Obi-Wan spared one final look in the direction of the wide-eyed, soggy little puppy. It hadn't moved to follow them, as if the poor thing knew it would not be welcomed.
He hung his head and tried to swallow the rather large painful lump that seemed to have taken up residence in his throat throughout the day.
Still, he did not cry.
No words were spoken on the journey back to the temple. Still drenched to the bone and shivering slightly, Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon into their quarters. He stopped just inside the door not sure what to do.
After a moments silence, his master spoke, "Are you hungry?"
He shook his head, not even knowing if his master was actually looking at him or not. He did not trust himself to speak, nor could he bring himself to raise his head.
"You may go to your room while I decide how I would like to handle this.....situation." all traces of anger and disappointment appeared to have faded from the master's voice.
Obi-Wan moved quietly to his room. Once the door closed behind him, he finally let the emotional upheaval of the day overtake him. Tears silently streamed down his face as he slowly made his way to his bed.
The mental anguish of the day had exhausted him, overriding his hunger, his uncomfortable wet clothes, and his ability to care about anything else beyond this moment.
Pulling his wet cloak tight, he lay down on his bed. His tears ran freely as he curled himself around his pillow. He was asleep within minutes.
Qui-Gon Jinn sighed as he sat in his comfortable overstuffed chair. He had taken a warm shower, changed into his sleepwear and had his hand wrapped around a nice hot cup of his favorite tea.
His thoughts, as he sipped his tea, were centered on his apprentice. His mind kept going back to that scene in the square.
The relief he felt upon finding Obi-Wan, and that no harm had come to the boy was not all that surprising. He was not heartless, and he did care for Obi-Wan. Like any Master would care for his padawan. That was his story and he was sticking to it.
What bothered him was the fleeting look of happiness that had appeared on the boys face when he finally looked up and saw his master. The unguarded emotion was so raw and so true that it couldn't have been faked.
~He was happy to see ME~ he thought. ~Not his master, not his teacher, but just ME~ Now, hours later and in the privacy of his own mind, Qui-Gon could admit how much that one look had scared him.
He knew the boy had wanted more from him, but he had thought they had come to an understanding.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes remembering the look of hurt on the boys face. He had not meant to be so.....mean. He knew he was often aloof and bordered on cold at times, but it was not like him to be so deliberately cruel.
He knew that his behavior towards the boy was based more on his own fear of his feelings rather than anything the boy had done.
~...and the puppy!~ Qui-Gon almost groaned as he turned his eyes to the ceiling. ~Force! Why didn't you just kick it too?~
He was beginning to see how outrageous his response to the whole afternoon had been. Yes, the boy and gotten lost. It was not the end of the world. He was young and still had much to learn.
That part of the afternoon wasn't what concerned him. It was his chaotic emotional reaction that bothered him.
He mentally winced recalling his hurtful words to the boy. He had felt bad as soon as they left his mouth, but he could not take them back. Would not.
The flash of pain he saw in those changeable eyes cut him deeply. He could not think about it then, he did not want to think about it now.
His instincts had told him to move, to apologize, to soothe, to....something, anything. But he did nothing.
~Well~ purposefully changing his train of thought ~the boy does not deserve to be punished, but perhaps extra meditations would be in order. If he had stayed focused this whole situation could have been avoided.~
Qui-Gon was still not ready to admit that the boy had staked a claim on his heart. If he were to admit that, there would be no turning back.
It was getting late he realized as he finished his tea. Like the night before, he noticed a sliver of light beneath Obi-Wans door as he passed to his own room. It was well pass the boys curfew. He sighed ~I hope this is not going to become a habit.~
He palmed open the door intent on speaking that same thought to the boy. He froze at the site that greeted him.
His padawan lay curled in a ball on his bed facing the door, clutching his pillow tightly. The pale white face looked extremely young and was streaked with trails of tears that had long since dried.
Qui-Gon did not need to access the bond to feel the misery that radiated from his apprentice. Not for the first time that day Qui-Gon was struck with how innocent and vulnerable the boy looked......not just looked, but IS.
Suddenly he was struck with the realization that the boy was just that.....a boy. More than just a Jedi padawan to the great Jedi Master Qui- Gon Jinn, more than just what he could mold him into. Just more. So much more.
He sagged against the doorway as that realization hit home. In his minds eye he saw a vibrant full of life boy with laughing eyes and an impish grin.
What happened to that boy?
In another revelation, he realized that the only time he had even seen that carefree boy was when he had observed the boy unobtrusively.
In his master's presence, Obi-Wan had been quiet and reserved. That carefree, youthful exuberance was replaced with shy hopeful glances and timid smiles.
He looked at the achingly innocent child that was his padawan, and knew. He knew, and his heart sank at the realization. ~Oh Force! What have I done?~ He had taken a happy, hopeful beautiful boy and turned him into a shy, insecure, miserable boy who had cried himself to sleep.
Finally, he moved forward. Suddenly all of his own fears and insecurities seemed insubstantial. He had an overwhelming urge to see those beautiful sea change eyes, and to set things right.
It would not be easy, but he owed it to this boy to try. This boy, who only weeks ago had offered his life for him in the mines of Bandomeer. This boy who he had rejected time and time again. This boy who had come into his life and turned his world upside down. This boy, who offered nothing but love, and understanding , and Light.
Settling himself on the edge of the bed he called the boys name softly. When there was no response, he tentatively reached out to caress the boy's cheek.
He was shocked to find that the skin he came into contact with was hot to the touch. Startled, he pulled his hand away and moved it to the boy's forehead.
~Force! the child is burning up!~ Belatedly Qui-Gon noticed the minute tremors wracking the small frame and the damp clothes the boy still wore.
Cursing himself for not noticing the boys condition before now, he placed a hand on the boys shoulder in an effort to rouse him, "Obi-Wan?"
When there was still no response, he shook the shoulder slightly and spoke the boys name firmly, "Obi-Wan."
The only response was a barely audible moan and a slight movement of the boys head. Growing alarmed, Qui-Gon shook the boy again, hard. The boys brow furrowed and a slight whimper escaped as he clutched the pillow tighter.
Worried now, Qui-Gon rose from the bed and began to pace. It had been a long time since he'd been responsible for a sick child.
He looked at the boy again. The tremors seemed to be becoming more pronounced and a light sheen of sweat had broken out on the boys face. Another small whimper went straight to his heart, and spurred him to action.
Moving to the bed he gently removed the pillow from the boys grasp. Almost immediately the tremors became violent. Noticing the bedding was soaked, he gathered the boy into his arms.
Instinctively, Obi-Wan curled into him snuggling against his chest, drawn to the warmth there. With no conscious thought, Qui-Gon held the boy closer and allowed his cheek to rest against the top of the boy's head, as he moved quickly to his own room.
Once there, he gently lay the boy at the end of his bed. He worked quickly to strip the boy of the wet clothing. Not wanting to waste time rummaging around the boys room for dry clothes, he grabbed one of his clean night shirts and helped the boy into it. He almost lost him in it, so great was the size difference.
With the wet clothes gone, the tremors seemed to decrease. He picked the boy up and placed him under the covers, pulling the blankets up to his chin.
Qui-Gon reluctantly left the room. He quickly placed a call to the healers and returned with a cool cloth. Gently, he wiped the perspiration from Obi- Wans brow.
The boys face was flushed and he moved restlessly beneath the covers. Qui- Gon also noted that the boys breathing was becoming labored. He silently cursed the healer for not being there already. On cue, he heard the chime announcing the healer. As if the chime itself had been the catalyst, Qui- Gon started in horror as his apprentice began to convulse.
With a small judicious use of the force, Qui-Gon released the locking mechanism on the door to his quarters. Quickly turning to Obi-Wan, he moved to hold the boy down, not knowing what else to do.
"Qui-Gon," said An-Paj as he rushed to the bedside. "When did this start?"
"Just now, when you rang the buzzer," Qui-Gon spoke quickly, almost desperately. "Do something."
Remaining calm, the healer spoke, "There's nothing to do Qui, we need to wait it out."
Qui-Gon could not remember the last time he had felt this helpless. The boy's eyes were partially open, and all Qui-Gon could see was the whites of his eyes. "His lips are turning blue!" he turned wild eyes to the healer.
Just then the boys thrashing stopped and Obi-Wan lie completely still.
"Qui-Gon, I need you to step outside."
"Like hell..."
"NOW, Qui-Gon!" as he spoke, An-Paj removed various instruments from is bag. "You have a very sick padawan here and I dont have time to argue with you."
Reluctantly Qui-Gon retreated to the outer room. He sat in the same chair he had vacated less than an hour before. It seemed so much longer.
He sat unmoving, as if in shock. He played the last hour over and over again in his head. The image of Obi-Wan curled up on his bed after crying himself to sleep kept taunting him.
He closed his eyes. Why did it feel like he'd just found the boy? He'd been here all along. He thought about the last two weeks and really decided to examine them.
Had he been so closed off that he hadn't really paid any attention to the pain he was causing his padawan?
Being truthful with himself finally, he had to admit that on some level he did know. He had just chosen to ignore it. He had been so wrapped up in protecting his own feelings that he completely disregarded those of his padawan.
In light of this newest revelation, he hung his head in shame. He recalled every hurtful thing that was said, and not said. Every shy smile, every hopeful glance, every flash of pain that he had caused in those way too expressive sea-change eyes.
He had to make it right. Now that he had given himself permission to care for the boy, he could not stop the flood of paternal emotions that seemed to want to break free.
An-Paj emerged from his bedroom, breaking him from his reverie. Qui-Gon was immediately on his feet and stepped forward to meet the healer, "How is he?"
"He's got a fever of 104 degrees and he's seriously dehydrated, which is most likely what caused the seizure. I've given him something that should reduce the fever, but you will have to check it every 1/2 hour or so."
Qui-Gon nodded, checking his chrono.
"I've applied an IV infusion patch to his right arm, to help with the dehydration, so be mindful of that."
"Shouldn't we move him to the Healers Wing?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I dont think that is necessary, Qui. Knowing Obi-Wan he'll be more comfortable here. Just keep him cool, and if his fever does not go down-- comm me immediately."
"Alright," Qui-Gon spoke wearily, distractedly as he carded his fingers through his hair. "Thank you, An-Paj."
"How are you doing, Qui?" the healer could tell that his friend was rattled.
"I'm fine. Its Obi-Wan I'm worried about. Is he really going to be alright?"
"Qui, children get sick all the time. It's scary sometimes I know, but he's going to be fine."
Qui-Gon only nodded, not wanting to elaborate on just how relieved he was at the healer's words.
"I'll check back in the morning."
After seeing An-Paj to the door, Qui-Gon returned to his room. He was struck again with how small his padawan looked, especially in his large bed.
The restless movements had ceased and the pale face looked relaxed. Moving to Obi-Wans bedside he noted his right arm carefully arranged on top of the blankets.
He took that small hand in his own, mindful of the IV patch, and moved his other to the boy's forehead. He was relieved to find that the boy did not feel quite so hot. He sat there for the longest time just looking at the boy, memorizing his features.
When Obi-Wan sighed and mumbled something inarticulate in his sleep, he smiled gently. ~How could I have ever, purposefully hurt this child?~
For the next two hours Qui-Gon sat vigil, taking the boys temperature diligently every 1/2 hour. When the fever finally dropped to 101 degrees, he allowed himself to relax slightly. Eventually he fell into a light doze in the chair beside his bed.
He was awoken less than an hour later by more restless movements and sleepy words. He sat forward in concern to check the boy's temperature. Still 101 degrees. They boy was mumbling about something and seemed to be distressed. This did not look to be fever induced, a dream maybe?
Placing his large hand atop the boy's head, he smoothed that spiky ginger hair back, all the while speaking in low soothing tones. When that didn't calm the boy, Qui-Gon did something he should have done weeks ago. He opened the bond between them completely. No peeking in and running back out as he had done earlier in the day.
He had to brace himself against the onslaught of images and emotions the boy projected. He felt despair. Insecurity. Fear. All of these emotions swirled around the images, most of which starred himself. He saw this day through the eyes of his padawan.
He felt his padawans shock and shy pleasure at breakfast when he'd asked the boy to accompany him into the city.
He felt his nervous hopeful excitement as he confided in his friend, Bant.
He felt the awe the boy had upon entering the city.
He felt the devastation his words on the transport had caused, and the despair as the boy had thought that his master would never love him.
Unbeknownst to Qui-Gon, a single tear had escaped his tightly closed lids and slowly tracked its way down his face. The images kept coming.
He smiled as he felt the complete and utter joy his padawan had felt upon finding the puppy.
He felt the panic when he realized he'd lost his master.
He felt the despair return as he searched for his master.
He even felt the boys hunger.
He felt the all to short flash of pure happiness at seeing his master.
He felt the all consuming despair descend yet again upon seeing the irritation on HIS face.
He felt the pain and disbelief when his master told him to leave the puppy.
He felt the internal struggle to disagree with his master's decision, and his shame in not being strong enough to do so.
He felt the resignation of his presumed failure, and his fear at being sent back to the Agri-corps.
He felt the anguish of the boy's tears as the emotions of the day finally consumed him.
And finally, he felt the boy lose all hope as he had climbed onto his bed wet clothes and all.
Sometime during his reverie, he had climbed onto the bed and gathered Obi- Wan into his arms. A day that he had dismissed as not the end of the world, had felt like exactly that to his padawan. Had he so forgotten what it felt like to be young, to sometimes not be able to see beyond the moment?
Resting his head a top those matted ginger spikes, be began rocking gently, quietly repeating a heartfelt litany, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry...."
He had no idea how long he sat there like that. After some time, and still cradling Obi-Wan in his arms he moved to rest against the headboard. Slightly before sunrise the master joined his apprentice in some much needed sleep.
Obi-Wan awoke at 5th hour like he did every morning. Except he was having a really hard time waking up this morning. He willed his eyes to open, they would not comply. He snuggled into the warmth of his 'bed'.
He'd never felt this comfortable. He knew he had to get up; he had to fix breakfast for his master. He was so tired though. He was already falling back into sleep as he weakly tried to push away his blankets. He had to be dreaming. He could have sworn that he felt that welcoming warmth tighten around him. He could have sworn he heard his master's voice.
"Shhhhh. Sleep, little one." Qui-Gon said quietly and added the most gentle of force suggestions. Once he was sure the boy was fast asleep, he too closed his eyes. It had been a long night. They both deserved to sleep in.
It was close to 8th hour when Qui-Gon woke again. He moved slightly, adjusting Obi-Wan within his arms. He took the boys temperature again and was relieved to see that it was back to normal.
A slight movement brought his attention back to his apprentice. The boy was groggily reaching for consciousness. He watched as thick ginger lashes began to flutter.
Through the bond he could feel the boys reluctance to wake up, and some indiscriminant thoughts of how sithly mornings were.
Qui-Gon smiled, until he caught the flare of panic that swept through the boy as his internal time sense alerted him to the hour.
Before he could move to calm the boy, those beautiful green eyes flew open. Eyes wide, he stared directly into those of his master. Qui-Gon saw shock there, shock and panic. Panic not for the hour now, but for his surroundings. Not that he'd noticed anything beyond his master yet.
Anxious to break the stretching silence and to put the boy at ease Qui-Gon spoke, "Good morning. How do you feel?" The boys brow furrowed and Qui-Gon could not surpress a slight chuckle as he spoke again, "it's not a hard question Obi-Wan."
Seemingly still in shock, the boy finally answered, "f....fine. I feel fine." As he spoke, the boys eyes began to scan his surroundings. Qui-Gons heart clenched as he noticed the uncertainty in the boys gaze. He realized it was going to take some time to undo all the damage he'd done.
Trying for a lighter tone, he continued. "Do you have any idea what you put me through last night?" One look at the boy told him that the words had been heard, but not the tone in which he had meant them.
Obi-Wan immediately lowered his eyes and caught his lower lip between his teeth before speaking, "N....no master. I...I...I'm sorry if...."
"Obi-Wan" Qui-Gon interrupted before the lump in his throat could start to form. "Look at me please."
He watched as the boy slowly, hesitantly raised his eyes. Eyes that were slightly awash with unshed tears. Through the bond Qui-Gon could feel the echo of the boys emotions, so hopeful, but so afraid he had disappointed his master yet again.
Qui-Gon raised his hand and cupped one side of the boys face. "I am not angry with you, and you have not disappointed me." As he spoke he gently caressed the boys cheek with his thumb. He smiled sadly as the boys eyes widened slightly at the contact.
"You've been very sick, padawan."
"I was?" Obi-Was asked softly, still staring into his master's eyes.
"Yes, you were. You had a very high fever, so high that you had a seizure."
"I did?" Eyes widened again, this time in horror.
"Yes, you did. You gave me quite the scare..."
"I'm sorry master, I did not mean...." Again the eyes lowered and Qui-Gon could not suppress a flash of irritation at himself. He had done this; he had caused this insecure, self-deprecating behavior. He could not believe the boy felt he had to apologize for being sick.
"Stop apologizing," Unwittingly, his frustration at himself had crossed over into his voice and his words came out sounding harsh.
He felt Obi-wan stiffen in his arms and the boys breathing seemed to quicken. He could not see Obi-Wans eyes since they were still lowered, but he did see that bottom lip tremble ever so slightly.
Immediately he softened his voice, "Obi-Wan, please look at me." For a moment he thought the boy would not comply. He moved his hand from the side of the boys face to cup his chin. Very gently he urged that face upward, and was heartbroken when a single tear broke free from wet lashes and rolled slowly down the boys face. More broke free and followed as the boy raised his eyes to meet those of his master.
Looking into those gray tear washed eyes, Qui-Gon could barely restrain his own as he spoke, "Oh, Obi-Wan" letting is emotions break free he decided to trust them. He cupped the boys face with both of his own hands as he spoke. "What have I done to you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please....forgive me...."
He stopped speaking as he noted the look of shock on Obi-Wans face. "Obi- Wan? What is it?"
"You...you're apologizing to m...me?"
"Yes. I am apologizing to YOU," he smiled and brushed a tear from the boys cheek with his thumb. "You deserve that, and so much more."
Obi-Wan was still looking at him with that expression of shock, and more than a little confusion. ~Well why wouldn't he?~ he thought. ~He has no idea you finally realized what an idiot you were being.~
"Obi-Wan, listen to me," he spoke gently and softly to take the sting out of what he had to say. "I want you to know that..." this was going to be hard, but he had to say it. "I didn't want you in my life."
When the boy tried to look away, Qui-Gon held his chin and his increasingly watery gaze. "Not because of you, because of me. It was never because of you. You have done nothing wrong. You've been an excellent apprentice."
"Then why?" all the sorrow the boy had felt in the past weeks seemed to culminate in those two words.
"Sometime, very soon we are going to sit down and talk about that. I WANT you to know why. But for now I just want you to know that I am sorry" He smiled sadly down at the upturned face. "I never meant to hurt you. Can you forgive me?"
Obi-Wan just looked at him for a moment as if trying to read something within his eyes. Then without warning the boy launched himself forward and wrapped his arms tightly around the master's neck.
Qui-Gon brought his arms up and embraced Obi-Wan just as tightly. He could feel the small tremors the boy tried to suppress. He began to rub his hands in soothing circles on the boys back.
After some time, Obi-Wans grip on his neck began to loosen. He heard a small sniffle and allowed himself to smile.
"I take it that's a yes?" Qui-Gon asked, and his smile widened as the felt Obi-Wan nod. "Are you OK?" Again the boy only nodded, obviously not trusting himself to speak.
Qui-Gon just held him and continued his soothing touch to the boys back. He waited until Obi-Wan began to pull away before releasing him. He turned away slightly to allow the boy some privacy to surreptitiously wipe his eyes.
"I know I can never take back all the pain I've caused you these past two weeks, but I would very much like the chance to make it up to you. What do you say we start over....today. I have a brand new padawan that I would very much like to get to know."
He was rewarded with a shy, yet happy smile from his padawan. "I would like that very much, master."
"Good, but first things first. How about some breakfast?"
The boy had already swung his feet over the side of the bed with a "yes, master" before Qui-Gon realized what he was doing.
Placing his hand gently on Obi-Wans shoulder before the boy could rise, he asked "And just where are you going?"
"To make breakfast," was the somewhat confused reply.
"No....you are going to stay right here and take it easy. I will make you breakfast."
"But, that's my job" said Obi-Wan somewhat distressed.
"No actually that's a responsibility we should share. I'm afraid I just sort of let you take over. Your cooking is much better than mine," he replied with a wink.
He smiled when Obi-Wan seemed to relax again. He ruffled the boy's hair as he got up to go to the kitchen. He could feel through the bond the shy pleasure his gesture had invoked. The bond. Obi-Wan was not yet aware that he had opened it.
Just then, the front door chimed, announcing a visitor. "You stay put. I will bring you something to eat."
Obi-Wan watched as his master hurried from the room. Feeling slightly overwhelmed he just sat there looking around his master's room. He had gotten a look into this room before, from the doorway. He had never dared to enter any further.
Looking down, he noticed he was wearing one of his master's tunics. For some reason his eyes began to water. He pulled his knees up close to his chest and wrapped the rather large shirt tightly around, hugging himself. Rocking gently, he couldn't help but wonder if this was real...if it would disappear if he were to blink.
Qui-Gon hurried to palm open the door. "Mace! its about time. Did you find it?" he paid absolutely no mind to the disgruntled look the councilor gave him.
"You really owe me for this one, Jinn. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt running around peeking under park benches?"
"Did you find it!?!" Qui-Gon sounded impatient.
"Yes, I found it" Mace sounded equally impatient. He looked to his right, then to his left to make sure the corridor was empty. Finally he reached into his cloak and pulled out a small, slightly damp, wide-eyed puppy. "I'll have you know--it bit me too. Look at that," he pointed to the skin on his right hand. There WAS a slight discoloration there.
"Look, Mace. I don't have time for this right now. Thank you very much, and yes I do owe you....big. You've just made my padawans day....vicariously of course."
"Yes, well.... I guess it was worth it then," the councilors tone had softened. "How is Obi-Wan?"
"He's much better. Thank you again for this. You are the only one I knew I could count on for this."
"Yes well, don't expect me to be answering any more pre dawn comm calls from you any time soon though." He meant it, but it was softened with a friendly understanding smile.
Mace turned to walk away, then paused and turned to look back at his friend. "Its good to have you back, Qui."
"It's good to be back," he smiled as the door closed. The smile died instantly as the felt a wave of helpless despair sweep through the bond he shared with Obi-Wan.
Tucking the puppy into his cloak, he spared a moments thought to how many cloaks the poor thing had been stuffed into recently. His long strides took him to his room quickly and he sat down on the bed beside his padawan.
The concern was evident in his eyes as he took in the small, huddled form that was his padawan. "Obi-Wan, whets wrong?"
"Oh, n....nothing really," the padawan was slightly embarrassed under the intense scrutiny of his master. But Qui-Gon could feel the emotions swirling through the bond. The boy had not even tried to access the bond. Qui-Gon felt somewhat guilty about that.
He did not like some of the thoughts he was hearing either. Apparently the boy was having a hard time believing that this was real, or even if it was, that it wouldn't last. It was time to reassure.
//Oh, it is very real padawan. And it WILL last, because I will never let you go now that i've found you.//
Obi-Wan had been looking at his master when he heard the words so clearly spoken in his head. His eyes widened so comically that Qui-Gon would have laughed if it weren't for the sheen of tears that brightened the boy's eyes.
//Master?//
Qui-Gon could feel the boy timidly touch the bond. He sent all the affection he felt at the moment along with all the regret for the pain he had caused over the past two weeks.
He felt it wash over the boy, and almost overwhelm him. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, just allowing himself to feel the affection he had so desperately craved. HE felt his heart surge with joy and purposefully tried to dampen it. He still could not believe that this was for real.
//Why do you not believe, my Obi-Wan?//
Oh how he liked the sound of those two words, my Obi-Wan. //It's just so..... I never imagined...I never allowed myself to imagine what this would feel like. I wanted this....I wanted ....you, so much...but....// the mental voice sounded so small and lost that Qui-Gon decided to step in.
//But...you never thought it would happen?//
//No, I didn't// Obi-Wan lowered his eyes. He did not intend for his next thoughts to be heard through the bond, but they were. ~Please, please, please let this be real~ He didn't say that it would crush him if it were not, but the feeling was there and that too traveled through the bond.
"Obi-Wan, Look at me." speaking out loud he reached out to cup the boys chin as the boy looked to his master. "This is real padawan. I will never shut you out again. From this moment, we will be the master and padawan we were meant to be. I give you my word."
Before he could register the movement, his padawan was in his arms squeezing him tight. //I love you//
Qui-Gon was startled by that softly spoken admission. So startled that he didn't respond, unfortunately he was interrupted by a high-pitched yelp.
Obi-Wan sat back immediately, confusion plainly written on his face. "Master?"
"Oh, yes. I forgot. We have a guest." He slowly opened his cloak and revealed two shiny, wide black eyes.
As if that were the invitation she had been waiting for the little fur ball leaped from the master's cloak directly into the arms of the padawan.
Qui-Gon was hard pressed to tell who looked happier, the little puppy wagging its tail excitedly and licking his padawans face or the laughing full of delight padawan who held her interest.
Obi-Wan was at such a loss for words that he did not even try to speak. His heart was in his eyes as he looked at his master. He tried to send the jumble of emotions he was feeling towards his master.
Qui-Gon for his part was a little overwhelmed at the unabashed love and affection, among other things that his padawan had poured into the bond. His heart flip-flopped slightly as he recalled the softly spoken 'I love you' the boy had spoken. Distancing himself from that, for now, he spoke to his padawan through the bond.
//Obi-Wan. I felt your struggle last night. You wanted to disagree with me about leaving our little friend here behind//
"Yes." the boy spoke aloud, but it was flat and hesitant. He wasn't sure where this was going.
Qui-Gon sighed. It was going to take time he had to remember. //Don't ever fear to disagree with me padawan. I may not like what you have to say, but I will always listen. Understand?//
//Yes, master// the boy visibly relaxed and again focused his attention on the puppy. Again Qui-Gon could feel the boy's shy pleasure through the bond.
Reaching forward to scratch the puppy behind her ears, Qui-Gon addressed another matter. "Now, we cant keep her mind you, but we can find her a home or perhaps locate her owner."
"I would like that," Obi-Wan paused before going on. "Master....I....thank you," he said shyly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Qui-Gon spent the rest of the day getting to know his apprentice. They ate their meals together, there in his bed; they played a game or two, and did a lot of talking.
He had helped his padawan to the fresher and into a bath at Obi-Wans soft request. Clean and in fresh sleepwear the padawan shyly returned to his masters bed.
Qui-Gon could tell the boy was fighting sleep, but was about to lose the battle. He tucked his padawan in, intending to take the sleep couch.
He felt the boy struggling to say something but not knowing how to put it into words. It had not gone unnoticed that his master had not returned his softly spoken words earlier in the day. The boy was becoming distressed, thinking he may have overstepped his bounds.
The eyes drooped lower; his padawan was definitely losing his battle with sleep. Qui-Gon, laying his hand atop Obi-Wans head accessed the bond //I love you too, my Obi-Wan. Sleep well//
THE END.