When Shepard woke the next morning he was more surprised than anything that Kaidan had not been in his dreams. He felt oddly guilty, like he had betrayed Kaidan somehow. He pulled the covers over his head, not ready to get up yet; his dreams were much more pleasant than the real world. In his dream James had been lying on his back here in his bed, legs spread, wearing nothing but an inviting, dirty smile. It had seemed so real that Shepard's whole body hummed from the unreal possibilities. To Shepard's frustration he couldn't get back to sleep, and the dream.

The bedroom door opened, and for reasons that Shepard wasn't quite sure, he laid perfectly still. James called for the dog softly, careful not to wake Shepard. Alenko jumped off the bed and joined James, who went out through the house and let the dog outside.

"Hey Alenko." James said, watching the dog as it finished patrolling his yard. "When I leave, you'll look after him, right?" The dog just pushed his nose up under James' hand to make him pet him. "I'm talking to a goddamn dog; I swear this place is bad for your mental stability." He smiled down at the dog who inched his way to James' lap, like he'd do to Shepard. James took a sip of his coffee and scratched Alenko behind his ear. "You two were fine before I dumped down here. So I think you'll be fine. You could maybe piss in his beer when he's not watching or something?"

Shepard sat up in the bed, wishing he could push the door open to hear better, but he heard what James said just fine. It was just, should he hear what James really had to say, or should he go out there and persuade James to stay? Or should he pretend he never heard, and let James leave?

James chuckled when Alenko pushed his head up under James' chin, "I hear ya," James mumbled, "it's just, I think I overstayed my welcome, you know?" He buried his face in Major Alenko's fur and sighed, "I can't save him, I don't even think he wants to be saved, I think he was quite content after all. Just you, him and his fucking booze."

Shepard couldn't stand it any longer, he wrapped his blanket around him and pushed the door open and walked barefoot to the front door where James and Alenko sat, the dog didn't even acknowledge him as he sat down on the steps next to James. "Good morning." He mumbled, scratching his cheek and twelve o'clock shadow.

"Good morning." James said not looking at Shepard at his side, "Did I wake you?"

"No." Shepard yawned.

"Good." James said, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. After a while he took a deep breath, "Shepard, I've been thinking. Maybe I should go visit my aunt back in California."

Shepard nodded wordlessly; he knew that James didn't have an aunt, that much he remembered from their talks and his reading the personnel files, Vega had no living family. "You know..." Shepard started and then paused to search for the right words, "You don't have to lie."

"Alright." James said, "Still, I think I should maybe return home, you know rebuild stuff, and uhm... stuff." His fingers dug deeper in Alenko's fur, as he heard the definitely in his own words, like his mind, his logic and his heart refused to communicate.

"Okay." Shepard nodded again, "Guess I understand."

"You guess?" James asked, and as soon as the words had left him, he knew he was gonna regret them.

"I mean, if you wanna leave; leave." Shepard shrugged, and finally got to his feet, and with a pretty undignified sweep of his sheets, he disappeared into the house.

"Oh no you don't," James huffed, pushing Alenko from his lap, getting up after Shepard. "You don't get to say shit like that and walk off!"

"You're wrong." Shepard sing-song in a mocking tone from the kitchen, "I do. I can do pretty much what I fucking want, this is my house."

"Right." James stopped in the doorway to the kitchen, looking at Shepard as he poured himself a large drink, and from what James could tell it was his second for now. "But you are not my commanding officer anymore, John, and you don't get to lay shit like that on me, or anyone else." He frowned as Shepard downed the large drink and poured one more, his face stoic and his eyes dark pits of anger.

"Watch me." Shepard just spat, downing half his drink, wincing at the taste. "What the hell are you standing around for? Weren't you leaving?" He looked directly at James, "You are right, I was totally fine when it was just me and my booze and the goddamn mutt!" He slammed the glass so hard down into the kitchen desk that it was a wonder it didn't break in his hand.

James looked away from Shepard, he could tell that John was hurt, he could hear it in his voice, and if nothing else he could tell from the numbers of drinks he slammed down to calm himself. But he meant it, there was just no point in this anymore, Shepard's bitterness and ghosts won, it was that simple. "Okay," He just mumbled and pushed off the doorframe, and walked to the living room and pulled out the army bag under the sofa, and then walked directly to the dresser and calmly dropped his stuff down into it.

Shepard stood and watched him; he didn't know what he wanted the most, apologize or kick his ass. He looked down at Alenko by his feet, he was restless and nervous, maybe it was a good thing that he'd never have children, he made a horrible parent. He downed his drink, but didn't move. It was not until James zipped his bag that he realized he had to do something. "James," He said more calm than he felt. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry, and I hope that - uhm, that you're gonna be okay."

Turning around James looked over at Shepard, "Fuck you John, just fuck you!" James picked up his bag and walked towards the front door.

"Jimmy! Wait!" Shepard called out, but when James turned around and looked at him, he realized he didn't know what came next. "Don't." He said looking away from James' betrayed expression, Shepard took a deep breath, "I mean, don't leave like that."

James dropped the bag, crossed his arms and looked at Shepard, "Is there any other way?"

Shepard turned the empty glass in his hand, "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have yelled at you." He looked up at James, and smiled a little awkward smile.

"You're sorry? Well now we just need rivers of blood, and locusts." James spat, "You can't keep doing this, man. -I- can't keep doing this!"

"Doing what?" Shepard licked his lips, knowing he was being ridiculous, but he needed to hear it.

"This goddamn ping-pong," James sighed, "I tried John, I really did. I tried to be your friend, and maybe I tried to be more, but I can't even get you to join the land of the living." James ran a hand through his short cropped hair, "He is -dead- John! Kaidan is never coming back! I am here, and I am very much alive, but you don't even notice! All you care about is your own misery and your fucking drink!" James stared directly at Shepard, feeling a small victory as he saw the commander's eyes wander from his to the floor.

It took long moments of silence before Shepard answered with a small voice, "I don't want you to be Kaidan."

"Then what -do- you want?" James asked, stepping over his bag, and closer to Shepard, "If it's drinking yourself into an early grave, with nothing but ghosts as your company."

Shepard grimaced, and rubbed his neck nervously, "I don't know - Okay?"

"It's a start of some sorts I suppose." James said, knowing that his words was unnecessary cruel, but he was not about to let Shepard back out of this. He had let him withdraw into a shell of denial and alcohol too many times already.

Short of squirming under James' onslaught Shepard, bit his lip wishing his glass was full. "I need a drink." He mumbled.

"No you don't!" James snatched the glass from Shepard and put it up on the shelf to his right, next to the pictures of the Normandy crew. "What you need is to tell me what the hell you want, or I am leaving, I mean it Shepard."

"Dammit James," Shepard whined, and this time actually squirmed visually. It felt mostly like a kind exorcism or something. He hated to talk feelings, and that James stood right there and forced him to say something was even worse. He just wanted to go back to how they were, and start over. "I'm not good at this touchy-feely stuff."

"Try me."

"Alright," Shepard sighed, "I - I... No this is stupid!" He groaned, snatched the glass from the shelf before James could react, and turned his back on James to make a drink.

"You have to be shitting me!" James sighed, shook his head and turned around to pick up his bag, and continued out the front door. The air was chilly and he regretted not getting his jacket, but there was no way in hell he was going to go back in to get it. Major Alenko barked behind him, but James refused to look over his shoulder. He didn't want to go, but he had to, or he too would be dragged down into John's vortex of nothingness, he was beginning to suspect that Shepard stopped feeling anything but regret and sorrow, and liked it that way.

He had expected a lot of things, but not that Shepard would chase him down the dirt road that led to the highway. He had heard John run up behind him, and saw Alenko jump around in front of him trying to herd him back, but James had ignored both, he was fucking furious that Shepard had chosen the easy way out again. In the end he was about to turn around when Shepard tackled him, knocking all the air out of him as they hit the ground. James blinked confused, trying to focus on Shepard's obnoxious grin, and turn his head away from the dog that licked his cheek.

"Still got it." Shepard stated victorious, and waved the dog away, "Don't do that, Major!"

"I swear Shepard," James growled without any real fire.

Shepard's smile faltered, and he steeled himself before he spoke, "Stay."

"For what?" James asked with an angry hiss, "Give me one good reason. Just one, John."

"Because I want you to?" Shepard said smiling apologetic. James didn't even bother to answer that; he just put up his best 'come again' face. "Hey we could leave, that would be fine too, as long as it's still, us... you know... you and me."

James felt an insane laughter well up inside, and in the end it slipped out, and he laughed untill he was in tears, "Yeah, I know..." He laughed. "For fucks sake, man. What will it take for you to just say it?"

"Uhm... nail pulling, Chinese water torture... or something along those lines." Shepard chuckled, and then got serious again, "I don't expect you to understand, cause I don't."

"Get off me, old man." James pushed Shepard off, sitting up so they both just sat on the dirt road. "You are crazy; you know that, don't you? Shit you could have broken my ribs or something."

"Yeah." Shepard nodded, wrapping his arms around his knees, "James? I was wondering... Remember that time in the rain; you know when you kissed me?"

"Yeah?"

"Could we rewind to that?" Shepard's ears heated up and a stupid, embarrassed smile spread on his lips. "And sorta just take it from there?"

James turned and looked directly at Shepard; somehow it was funny how flustered talking about feelings made him, from the same man who had no problems barking out orders that might get people and himself killed. He couldn't even manage to say a simple thing as 'I care about you'. James decided that it was as good as it got, it was not like he could ask for miracles, so he leaned in and placed a sweet kiss on Shepard's lips. "Sure," He whispered.

If Shepard was shy when he talked about feelings, then James learned that there was nothing shy about him when it came to getting naked. He was a little skinnier and not quite as buff as he had been in his army days, but James didn't mind one bit, he still felt a need to pinch himself to check to see if he was awake as Shepard stepped out of his pants. "What?" Shepard asked. James realized that he might have zoned out, staring. "Oh... well... You look, uhm, good." He smiled and grabbed Shepard's hips pulling him close.

"Good huh?" Shepard wrapped his arms around James and ran his hands down James' back.

"Okay, so maybe it's better than good." James teased, holding on to Shepard's back with one hand, and the other he tried to unbutton his pants. "A lot."

Shepard smiled against James' neck, licking a wet trail to his ear, he was just about to whisper something, when James pushed him backwards onto the bed and followed him down. Shepard closed his eyes as James started kissing his way down his chest, it felt like a lifetime ago since anyone touched him like this, and he hadn't really realized how much he had missed it, untill James grabbed a firm hold of Shepard's thighs, and a warm mouth and tongue wrapped around his erection. Shepard opened his eyes and popped up on his elbows, looking down at James between his legs. James looked up at Shepard and a smile spread on his lips as he let Shepard's erection slip from his mouth, keeping the eye contact he moved down further, and it felt mostly like a victory when Shepard had to close his eyes and bite down a moan as James' tongue ran over his balls.

James knew he should have asked, he didn't know if Shepard was a bottom or what, so he just chanced it, and did what came to him. Using his thumbs he spread Shepard's ass cheeks and James ran an experimental tongue over the sensitive skin hidden there.

"Jesus." Shepard's head fell back and a moan escaped him. James took it as a sign that he was doing the right thing, and circled the pucker with his tongue, slicking it up, finally pushing the tip of his tongue through the tight muscle. When Shepard was panting, James licked his way back to Shepard's cock. "Just..." Shepard licked his lips, pulling James up for a kiss with a forceful grip on his neck. "Fuu -" he didn't make it further untill the feeling of James rubbing his cock between his ass cheeks, had him moan mostly in expectation. "Me." He managed to get out.

James was in awe of how quick he could make Shepard crumble with just his hands and tongue, he pushed Shepard's lips apart with two fingers, letting him suck them wet, covering them in saliva, feeling his own arousal twitch at the sight. Shepard reached up over his head and pulled out a drawer on his bed stand, James followed it with his eyes, and reached down to get the lube and a condom, he had not even thought so far ahead. At least he had his question answered, that Shepard handed him that meant that he was supposed to use it. James kissed Shepard quickly and sat back on his knees on the foot of the bed, and fumbled with the condom till it behaved, and then poured a generous amount of lube in his hand and covered himself in it. He grabbed Shepard's thighs again, and pushed them up towards Shepard's own chest, "Shit, John." He mumbled, "You are... everything I dreamt you'd be."

"You dreamt this huh?" Shepard asked a little out of breath, looking up at James who just sat there and ate him with his eyes. It made him feel even more naked than the fact that he was lying on a bed with his ass in the air.

"Yeah." James mumbled, "'Cept in the dream I had my cock deep inside you."

"So what's stopping you?" Shepard asked with a little sexy grin.

James huffed amused, and inched a little closer so his cock was nudging against the tight opening. Both of them gasped as he started to push inside, James thought it was nothing short of divine, and as his fingers and toes started to prickle a little, he worried that he might actually come before he was even inside. He could hear Shepard mumble under him, never had taken him for talkative during sex, but none the less Shepard had managed to say more while James slowly pushed inside, than he had in the last week. James leaned down and pinned Shepard's legs under him, one hand on Shepard's shoulder and the other on his hip, James started to move, pulling almost out, ramming in again, feeling a funny sort of pride in the keening sound he made Shepard make, he had never even thought that Shepard could sound like that, but the stone-man had turned out to be a very responsive lover, besides that it turned James on like nothing else, the way Shepard would arch off the bed, writhe, shiver, mewl and moan. Then it gave him faith that there was still something real, and a generous lover under all that which had made up John Shepard for so long. When Shepard let go and lost himself in his climax, to James it seemed like it took twenty years off him, his face serene and pupils blown with ecstasy.

Shepard wrapped his arms around James as he collapsed on top of him, shivering and sweating. "Fuck," James gasped, trying to catch his breath. "Why didn't we do that a little earlier?"

Chuckling Shepard kissed James' temple, "Because I have issues?" he said, half in joke, half serious.

James rolled off Shepard and fell boneless to his side, and didn't answer, he just pulled Shepard close, smiling as the other man cuddled up, and rested his head on his chest. "Promise me one thing." James mumbled, exhausted and sleepy.

"Anything." Shepard whispered back.

"Don't weird out on me," James ran lazy fingers up and down Shepard's spine, "I really care about you, and -"

"I care about you too," Shepard whispered, holding on a little tighter around James' chest as to prove his point.

James kissed Shepard's crown of short cropped hair, he supposed that was as good as it got, which was actually fine by him.

Shepard woke hours later to the steady thadup-thadup of James' heart, and this time he was not the least bit surprised to wake like this. He felt a little funny thinking of Kaidan like this, but he recalled how he had loved waking like this, just looking out at space that would move by outside the window. If he opened his eyes now he would stare straight into a wall with a bad paint job, but that was okay really. It felt just as right, he felt just as much like the center of the universe was right here, and would evolve around them. Like time stood still and just awaited one of them to move.

Eventually Shepard got up, and went straight to the kitchen and put the kettle on, he eyed the bottle that he had opened earlier, he took it and drank a healthy gulp, hells Rome wasn't built in one day either, he thought to himself as he put the bottle back in the cupboard. Hearing soft footfalls behind him, he looked over his shoulder, only to see James stand there, scratching his hair, sleepy and slightly unfocused.

"Making me coffee in the nude?" James said with a little crooked smile, "I think I could get used to that."

"Who said I was making you coffee?" Shepard said with a little grin, only to find himself enveloped in James' arms as he held him from behind. James rested his chin on Shepard's shoulder. "Since when did you start your day with coffee?"

"Never." Shepard laughed, and stretched to get to cups from the cupboard. Shepard made them coffee and in the end James had to let go of his hold to take one of the cups. "Hey, Jimmy." Shepard said, jumping up to sit on the kitchen tabletop.

"John, that is hardly sanitary." James pointed out, nodding towards Shepard's naked ass on the kitchen desktop.

Shepard raised a brow and smiled amused, "So you are telling me that you have no problem with eating my ass, but you can't eat something that made contact with my ass."

"That is two entirely different things." James muttered, his ears burning when it was put so bluntly. "So you were saying?"

Shepard laughed, "Yeah, as I was saying. I was thinking something." He took his coffee and sipped it, "Maybe leaving is the right thing to do. I mean this place is full of ghosts, and if you really meant what you said, and this is us trying to start over, maybe we should do just that."

James nodded, "Makes sense."

"Would you wanna do that?" Shepard asked his tone oddly thick and fragile in one. It was as close to talking feelings as he got.

"Yeah, I'd like that." James nodded, "You got a map? I mean maybe we should just throw a dart or something, and let that decide, go somewhere where none of us ever has been before."

Shepard lit up in a brilliant smile, "Yes, yes I do."

"Alright, then let's do that." James said, drinking the last of his coffee, "Just not in the nude," He smiled, "Plus I need a bath, bad."

"So let's take a bath, get dressed, pack up whatever shit we want to bring, and go." Shepard said.

"You wanna leave today?" James couldn't help but to be slightly surprised that Shepard was this eager to move on. "Sure, man."

When they drove down the dirt road, they had three bags and the Major in the backseat. They stopped at the bar where Sue worked, James stayed in the truck while Shepard went in and ignored the odd looks he got from the patrons that surely must have assumed that he had either moved or died. "Hey Sue." Shepard said, and handed her an envelope. "This is for you."

Sue looked him up and down, "What's up John-John?"

"I think it's time I had a change of scenery," Shepard shrugged, "And you've been my guardian angel, and I figured that I'd give you something back."

"Aw," Sue smiled and hugged Shepard, and sat down and opened the envelope. "It's your deed."

"It is." Shepard said, "The house is not all that, but the lot is mine. Now yours, you can sell it and get yourself something nice, or you can move there, or do whatever you want. I just figured you could use it." He dug into his pocket, and pulled out a picture of himself at twenty two, in his navy blues. "And this, just for sentimental reasons, just in case no one believes you." He winked.

"That is too much, John-John." Sue looked up at him with wet eyes. "I can't."

"You can, and you will." Shepard said, "I'll send you a postcard when I finally find somewhere to put down roots."

"You do that, John, you do that." Sue stared at the deed in her hands, "What about James?"

"He's coming with me," Shepard said not caring to elaborate, "I'll take good care of him."

"I have a feeling it's gonna be him taking care of you." Sue said with a little laugh.

"Maybe so." Shepard said, "Anyway, good luck Sue, you deserve it."

"Right back at you." Sue said, getting to her feet and hugging Shepard once more.

Shepard left the bar and walked back to the truck, "Let's go." He said to James as he jumped back into the passenger seat.

"Aye-aye Sir." James smiled, and backed out of the parking lot in front of the bar, and back on the highway.

THE END.