Good Enough

I wish I were good enough for you.

I wish I were kinder, smarter, more sensitive, braver, better looking, more understanding, less like me. Because you deserve it. You deserve it all, the real deal, the whole package. That's what a person like you, amazing, and loving, sweet, kind, beautiful, and smart…a person like you deserves the best.

So I don't expect you to feel the same. I really don't. But that doesn't stop the excruciating pain I feel when a tear trickles down your cheek. It doesn't stop the way my stomach flip flops when I see you peering over the fence to watch the races. It doesn't stop the inexplicable happiness I feel when you smile, or the shivers that run down my spine when you laugh. And when you slip your little hand into mine, I feel so complete, but when you let go it's ten times worse. There's nothing I can do to stop these unfamiliar feelings that occupy my mind at all times, because, trust me, I've tried. I really have. And it doesn't work.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me hopelessly—Oh God. I'm actually saying this—it leaves me hopelessly, more than hopelessly, in love with you. And it's killing me, because you! Oh you. You're just so wonderful in every single way and I can't do a thing about it because you're a Red and I'm a Blue and we're forbidden to be together. Every day I wake up, knowing how hard I make it for you, and that kills me. It kills me more than you will ever know, more than anyone will ever know. I hate myself for putting you through that.

I wish you could be with someone better, someone who doesn't put you in danger or make you scared of getting caught. I wish more than anything that you could find someone who could make you happy. That's all I want - just for you to be happy. If you're happy, then I'm the happiest gnome alive. And yet, whenever I see you with another gnome, it crushes me. I just feel like not living anymore. When I see your overprotective dad forcing you onto that god damn pedestal and it makes my stomach clench. Having that rotten piece of crap Tybalt push you around and your dad treat you like a piece of property makes me so angry, you can't imagine. Seeing you hurt and unhappy breaks my heart. I want more than anything to take you away from them, take you somewhere warm and happy where we can be together. Being with you is the most desperate desire of my heart, and somehow, I make you feel happy too.

Why must this feud go on? I never realised how bloody pointless it is. We don't even know how it started, for God's Sake! I grew up being taught to hate the Red Garden, mindlessly despise without questioning anything. I can't imagine hating the Reds, now I have you. I wish I was a Red. You have no idea. I could be with you and there wouldn't be a problem. Blue seems to be extremely dull and ugly now.

I can't imagine living without you. Streuth, I can't even remember life without you. You are always in my mind. You visit me in my dreams. I can't stop thinking about you. I wish I could be with you every single minute. I wish I didn't sleep because I miss out on time with you. I wish I could just make all the pain go away. I wish I could be the gnome you deserve.

I wish I were good enough for you.