Heyyyy everyone~! ^_^ So there was a poll up on my profile a while ago asking which pairing people wanted to see a smut-fic for, and USUK won so that is why I'm writing this :) For those of you who've read another fic of mine- It's Not What You Think!- you will know that you can request things. A particular request gave me the inspiration for this, so thank you to CalaveraCandiedSkull for the idea~ This will be a two-shot, the smexy stuff will be chappy 2 ;D
Disclaimer: I only own this messed up story ;D
WARNING: Contains yaoi, USUK, UST, and absolutely ridiculous arguments. It's rated T for now but the next chappy will bump it up to M, so smex will be making an appearance :P Read at your own risk!

x~x~x~x~x

Zombies vs. Unicorns!

~The Present~

In all honesty: he should have seen this coming.

As soon as this whole bloody mess had started, England should have been able to predict exactly how this was going to play out. Really, he should have had more sense. But it was the heat of the moment, just one lapse of judgement. And so as soon as he had said it there was no taking it back. He had his pride after all, and he valued his pride. The only problem with this was that America had just as much pride as him, and was equally as stubborn even if he didn't like to admit to that fact.

And so the situation got out of hand, right up until the point that it was getting absolutely ridiculous. Honestly, how could one little comment have caused so much agony? It was unthinkable really. If only America hadn't gone and said that, then everything would be right with the world. Yet the fact of the matter was that he had said it, and now there was a very pissed off Englishman who was determined to prove once and for all that he was right by any means necessary.

It all started three and a half weeks ago...

x~x~x~x~x

~Three And A Half Weeks Ago~

"Haha! Dude this is so freaking awesome!" America exclaimed with glee, slowly moving his face closer and closer to the computer screen until he may as well have been glued to the thing.

England looked at the other with a look that, if you knew him well, said: 'Why on earth am I in love with this idiotic fool again?'

He sighed, taking a sip of tea from the dainty little china teacup in his hand before placing it down neatly on the little table in front of the sofa in order to get up and see just what was so enthralling on the computer (and ready to unleash the apocalypse if America was downloading virus laden games again. He had already lost three computers thanks to him!)

"May I ask what it is that has you so interested?" the Brit inquired, doing his best to peer over the younger nation's shoulder but failing to see anything seeing as America had apparently reached the conclusion that pressing your face right up against the screen was actually the best way to view things.

"It's this argument thing," America said after a moment, chuckling a bit more as he continued to read but he pulled back a bit in order to grin at England. "Some people argue about some pretty stupid stuff."

England raised an eyebrow, silently asking the other to tell him exactly what this supposedly stupid argument was about.

"Check it out babe," he smiled, swiftly grabbing England by his wrist and pulling him down so that the Brit ended up sat on his lap. America let out a small laugh as he saw his boyfriend having an immense inner debate with himself along the lines of:

'Should I object to the fact that he pulled me onto his lap or scream at him for calling me 'babe' first?'

In the end it looked as though England was going to attempt to scold him for both offences, ready to go on a massive rant but he only got so far as, "You bloody-" before the hero managed to disarm him by pressing his lips to the back of England's neck. He let out another soft laugh as he saw the island nation blush on cue, being reduced to a series of unintelligible mumbles with the occasional 'git' being heard. In his head, England was cursing himself. He always did whenever America managed to get him like this (which happened far more than he'd care to admit). He didn't really understand why it was that the self proclaimed 'United States of Awesome' was able to have such a profound effect on him, but for whatever reason he did and despite what he may say outwardly, he really did love the burger obsessed country.

"Zombies against unicorns," America announced suddenly.

England wasn't exactly sure what that cryptic message meant. Zombies against unicorns? That didn't make any sense no matter how you looked at it. He shifted around a bit, seriously contemplating standing up once more because he felt awkward sitting on America's lap like this. Sadly America chose this precise moment to be able to read the bloody mood because he slyly snaked his arms around his boyfriend's waist, keeping him there despite the half-arsed attempts at trying to get away.

Sighing, England managed to shift around so that he could look at the other with a perplexed expression. "I beg your pardon?" he asked.

"The argument," America clarified, tilting his head towards the computer screen. "It's basically all these people arguing over which is better when it comes to zombies and unicorns. Pretty crazy right?" he grinned, his eyes gravitating back to the screen as he read another comment that just so happened to be slagging off unicorns and backing the humble zombie. England also read that comment (after some more awkward manoeuvring so that he could actually read what was on the screen) and scoffed.

"Simply ridiculous," he said- referring more to the comment than the argument. I mean, obviously unicorns were better.

"Yup," America said simply, thinking that he was talking about the argument as a whole because let's be honest: zombies were the clear winners by a mile.

"Why bother debating something that has such a blatantly obvious answer?" England asked, emerald eyes scanning more and more of the comments. He nodded in agreement to those who were on the side of unicorns (the right side dammit!) and narrowed his eyes whenever some incredibly uneducated idiot claimed that zombies were superior.

"Meh, dunno. It's kinda obvious though, like you said," America agreed, opting to perch his head on England's shoulder as he carried on reading the argument unfold.

"Mmm," was the only response the hero got, England too busy lost in the cyber world as he took on board all of the arguments being presented (even though the arguments in favour of zombies were, for lack of a better word, bullshit).

America gave up after about half a minute, quickly tiring off reading so much stuff especially when everything being written about unicorns being better was just lame and stupid. Besides, this was his day off! So why should he spend it reading when he could be doing much more interesting and productive things such as eating burgers, getting a new high score on one of his games, eating burgers, watching an action movie, eating burgers, going to McDonald's... to get some burgers. What? The guy likes burgers; sue him.

It was just as the American had decided that yes, he would in fact like a burger (or five), that something far more interesting crossed his mind as he glanced at the Brit who was still engrossed with the zombies and unicorns argument.

Had the gentleman been paying attention to the real world and not the virtual one, then he would have seen the small glint appearing in sapphire eyes and would have noticed the ghost of a small, cheeky smile make its way to lips that already knew where they wanted to be. England didn't stand a chance, especially when he decided to turn to the other in order to voice his personal opinion on this matter. Before he even had a chance to utter a syllable his lips were captured in a kiss that wasted absolutely no time in intoxicating him with extreme heat and burning passion. In the back of his rapidly incoherent thoughts the gentleman was vaguely aware that he didn't think this very fair at all, the fact that America could, in the space of a few seconds, render him completely at the other's mercy. Yet the hazy thought was soon cast aside when America lightly dragged his tongue across England's bottom lip in a silent plea for entrance.

Despite his best efforts, England couldn't help but let a small moan escape from his lips with the action, more than happy to grant the access as he delicately threaded his fingers into the golden locks of his lover. Contented to allow the younger nation to control this particular kiss, England sighed happily and moved his tongue against America's in slow caresses. When both participants deemed the need to get oxygen back into their systems of critical importance, they broke apart slowly while England chuckled a bit.

"I was reading that, git," he said playfully, a small smile playing on his soft lips.

America let out a little laugh and placed a small kiss to England's neck before breathing, "Heh, sorry. But I kinda thought of something more interesting than some random online argument."

"Oh?" England asked, feigning innocence as the other began to trail a small line of chaste kisses from his neck, to his jaw and then his cheek. "And what, pray-tell, is that?"

"I think you already have a pretty good idea," America said cheekily as he placed his hands on England's lower back, drawing him closer in their awkward position on the chair.

"Aw, but the argument," England pouted, although America knew his boyfriend well enough to know that he couldn't give a toss about that anymore.

"Well you said yourself there's no point in reading it when it's obvious zombies are better," the other reasoned, moving to capture England's lips once more.

As said country wasn't currently thinking as clearly as usual, due to a pair of lips that really did have much better uses than simply talking loudly all the time, those words took a while to register. However when they finally did, the Brit thought that he must have heard wrong. I mean, it almost sounded as if America thought that zombies were the prevailing species in the debate. Just to make sure that this wasn't the case, because even though America was an idiot at times he surely wasn't that idiotic, England pulled back slightly and said in a low voice, "Sorry but what was that, love?"

"Huh?" America asked, not really much in the mindset for too much talking anymore and wanting to carry on indulging in each other.

"Zombies?" England elaborated.

"What about them?" the younger asked, carefully placing his hands on England's hips and making it so that his love was now straddling him.

"Well, and I know this is ludicrous, but I think you just said they were better," the island nation laughed a bit at the thought, pressing his forehead against America's.

"Well duh," America said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, going in for another kiss but he found a barrier in the form of England's hand blocking the way.

"'Well duh'?" England asked, an eyebrow rising slightly. "What does that mean?"

"That zombies are better," the hero said, pouting slightly because England was beginning to destroy the mood they were just beginning to establish. The Englishmen slowly retracted his other hand from where it was still entangled in America's hair and stared in disbelief.

"You are joking, aren't you?" he asked carefully.

"No, why?" America asked, genuinely confused. "Zombies are way more badass than unicorns."

It was this comment that had England shaking his head, as if to dispel the utterly absurd notion. "Surely you... you don't mean that," he said quietly after a few seconds of trying to gather composure.

"Wuh? Why wouldn't I? It's totally true dude! Zombies are awesome and unicorns suck!"

And it was this comment that had the gentleman wriggling out of the other's hold and standing up, looking at America as if he'd just said, 'Guess what? Me and Russia are pretty Disney Princesses!' before bursting into 'A Whole New World'.

"Don't be bloody stupid," the blonde said in an offhand way. "Anyone who holds any semblance of sense would know that unicorns are much better than those flesh eating abominations."

And now America understood just why it was that England was suddenly mad, and although he knew that he really shouldn't, he couldn't help it: he laughed.

"Hahaha! Dude! You can't be serious, zombies kick unicorn ass!"

"Oh? And do you have any basis for that? Have you ever met a zombie? No. I on the other hand know full well that a unicorn would destroy a zombie!"

"Pfft! Yeah right," America was still laughing, but he managed to gather himself enough to stand up from the chair so that he could 'discuss' this issue with England further. "Imaginary unicorns don't count dude."

"Oi! Starflower Sparkle is not imaginary you git!" the Brit yelled, looking thoroughly angered despite the fact he had just said 'Starflower Sparkle'. The sight was so comical that the hero laughed once more.

"No offence Iggy, but unicorns are kinda lame. You wouldn't be scared if a load of unicorns attacked you or anything, and an army of zombies on your side is way more awesome than an army of unicorns."

England rolled his eyes sarcastically and the sarcasm carried through in his voice. "Oh of course. An army of unicorns isn't scary at all, especially seeing as they don't have, for example, a bloody stabbing weapon on their head if they so chose to use it that way."

America faltered for a brief moment as he considered that possibility, and he promptly had a very surreal image of pink, fluffy unicorns suddenly going on some bloody rampage. He couldn't take the thought seriously, especially when the 'Pink Fluffy Unicorns' song that Japan had shown him the other day began to play in his head. Before he even realised it, he was bobbing his head slightly to the tune in his mind with a dopey grin on his face.

Pink fluffy unicorns, dancing on rainbows~

Damn that song was catchy. He'd have to show England some time when he didn't have a murderous look in his eye- oh shit.

"YOU AREN'T EVEN LISTENING TO ME YOU WANKER!" England yelled, practically shaking with rage. For such a small, petite looking country England had quite the set of lungs on him, and America knew all about that and now his thoughts were rapidly descending into the depths of the gutter and if only that stupid argument thing hadn't started this then Iggy's voice would be loud for a completely different reason...

"Never mind the fact that zombies can only manage speeds of about one bloody mile an hour on a good day. What's so terrifying about that?"

America's daydreaming aside, he suddenly felt the need to defend zombies seeing as that statement was not true. "Dude! Did you even watch Zombieland? Those freaking zombies were like, scarily fast! You wouldn't stand a chance!"

"Because all American movies are accurate," England scoffed. "Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a country produce so many painfully inaccurate movies."

Oh hell no.

England just dissed Hollywood. There was no way America would stand for that. "Well it's not like your movies are any better! All James Bond films are way more unbelievable and stupid than most of my stuff!" America was actually a fan of the series, but hey: it's true that some of the stuff in them simply wasn't possible.

Seething at having Bond of all people coming under attack, England yelled, "Well I bet Bond would have the bloody common sense to side with unicorns!"

"Unicorns are just sissy and girly and GAY!" America yelled back.

Oh heeeellllll NO!

America not siding with unicorns? Regrettable, but fine. America dissing James Bond movies? Stupid, but he kind of had a point. America calling unicorns 'sissy' and 'girly' and 'gay'? Where the hell did England put his pirate gear, he had to unleash a serious beat down right now!

"Heh, well if being 'gay' is such a bad thing, which if you haven't actually noticed, is just plain hypocritical!" England shot him a certain look and America flinched a bit as he realised that, yeah, he had made possibly the stupidest vocabulary choice right there. He didn't really mean anything by it, he had just let his annoyance dictate his words. Besides, of course he didn't have anything against gay people! He himself was going out with a guy and was completely in love with him even if they did tend to drive each other mad. England continued his sentence, "If unicorns are so terrible and ever so gay then fine: I'll just leave you to be completely un-gay."

America quickly looked up with wide eyes. Surely England wasn't going to end their relationship over something so trivial! They'd been through much worse and always managed to stick it out! "Hey England, I didn't mean it like that! You know that I don't care about sexuality and junk cuz if ya love someone then you should just be with them! I'm sorry, I was only saying that zombies are better!"

"Tch, and you still insist on that stupid notion." England scowled and looked towards the floor. He knew that America really hadn't meant any offence with the 'gay' comment and in all honesty it wasn't really the 'gay' thing that annoyed him. What did annoy him was the fact that America knew how much he cared for unicorns and fairies and those of its ilk. Although America himself didn't personally believe in them and although he was teased for it on occasion, usually he would be understanding and just let England be England. So when his likes and interests were branded as 'sissy' and 'girly' that stung. And so, without thinking, he blurted out words that he would soon come to regret:

"Seeing as you are clearly repulsed by the idea then we shall stop being so 'gay'. I'm imposing a sex ban!"

America just stared for a moment, completely dumbstruck. That moment turned into a minute, which in turn led to several more, all the while silence prevailed. When the larger nation was able to eventually formulate his words he had this to say:

"You can't be serious!"

Most of him was immeasurably relieved that England hadn't broken up with him, but the rest of him was completely confused. Is he actually gonna go through with this? he wondered.

"I'm deadly serious," the Brit said stubbornly. "Until you finally realise the error of your ways, meaning: until you finally realise that unicorns are better than those blasted zombies you seem to care for so much, it shall stay that way." Before America could even respond, England swiftly turned on his heel and stalked out of the house in a bid to feel superior (quite forgetting that this was actually his house in the first place).

"He... He's pissed at the zombies and unicorns part?" America said slowly to the empty room. "Not... not the 'gay' thing... okay..." After a few more moments though, he felt the familiar rush of a challenge coursing through his veins. England wanted him to say that unicorns were better, but there was no way in hell that was gonna happen! Zombies were the victors and there was no way he would change his mind! England had just issued him a challenge. So what if he banned sex? He was a hero; he could totally manage!

"Hahaha! Zombies rule and unicorns drool! Challenge accepted, England!" he proclaimed grandly.

x~x~x~x~x

The next few days consisted of both nations resorting to completely childish methods to prove that they were correct.

When England heard his doorbell ring he hadn't been at all prepared for what was about to greet him when he opened the door. It all happened so fast that the poor gentleman didn't really have a chance to get his bearings before it was all over. As soon as his door clicked open, several zombie plushies were hurled at him. He managed to swat a few away, but before he could really get a good look at who was pelting him with mini zombies (although if the obnoxious laughter was anything to go by, it was pretty damn obvious) a t-shirt was thrown in his face and the attack ended.

England looked at the t-shirt once he was able to orient himself and make sure that a certain American wasn't in the vicinity. On it was a familiar design, it was like all of those t-shirts that seemed to be popular amongst many- the sort that said 'I heart' (with an actual red heart, not the word) at the top while something (usually NY or London etc.) was printed along the bottom. In this instance, the t-shirt read:

I heart
Zombies

When England flipped the waste of fabric over, he saw that there was a zombie grinning at him and issuing a pose that was very similar to America's self dubbed 'hero pose'. In a speech bubble coming from the zombie were the words:

Unicorns are crap, dude!

Oh. This. Meant. War.

"Hmph! If that's the way he would like to go about things then fine!" England said indignantly, beginning to plot his revenge.

Seeing as it wasn't exactly wise for America to stay within close proximity of his boyfriend for a while, he had opted to stay at a hotel while he spent the rest of his time in the UK. During this period a cake was delivered to his room by one of the hotel staff. He cocked his head to the side as he looked at the cardboard box in the guy's hands and wondered who on earth would be sending him pastry- because England certainly wouldn't be in the mindset to do so.

He was wrong however, and the hero soon understood as he thanked the staff member for bringing the cake to him before setting it down on a table in his room in order to look at the contents.

Inside the box was a cake in the shape of a unicorn, with pure white icing covering the whole thing and edible glitter decorating anything and everything. Actually on the design was a zombie being impaled by a unicorn's horn, with the words:

Zombies: completely inferior, useless, and shit.
Love England x

Written on in fancy script and edible icing. I say 'edible' with quite a degree of apprehension. Seeing as it was the Brit himself who made this particular confectionery, America decided to give it a wide birth for fear of developing a stomach ulcer. He wouldn't have eaten it anyway; to eat the cake would be to admit defeat! However he did retaliate.

After about a week filled with America spamming England's e-mail inbox with zombie pictures and England bribing the hotel staff members to only play shows involving unicorns in America's room, said country had to leave for the States. Nothing unusual about that really, America would obviously have to return home at some point. It wasn't as if the two of them weren't used to this by now, they had a long distance relationship and that was how it would have to be.

Only... this time, something was drastically different.

One of the conditions of this particular argument was something that had never come up before. Namely: no sex.

At some point along the way the argument had become less about which was better out of zombies and unicorns and turned more into a 'who can hold out the longest?' competition. The sign of defeat was England admitting that zombies were better, or vice versa. As mentioned previously, both countries really do have too much pride for their own good, and so it came to pass that America left the UK feeling slightly frustrated- but it wasn't anything so terrible that the hero couldn't handle it.

England also felt the same way, but was determined not to break because it had only been a week and he was better than that. Besides, a World Meeting was to be held over in the USA in a couple of weeks, and by then America would surely have seen how silly he was being and concede that unicorns really were superior and then everything would be right with the world.

Yes, that is exactly what will happen, England thought resolutely.

x~x~x~x~x

~Two Weeks Ago, USA~

America stared blankly at the document before him, trying to make sense of the strange inscriptions written on it. Was it written in some sort of different language? Was this some sort of Morse code?

"AGH! I don't get what the heck this thing is!" he yelled, standing up from his seat in order to glare at the paper- which didn't really do anything apart from a few people giving him looks that quite clearly showed that they thought he was clinically insane.

"Sir?" came a friendly enough sounding feminine voice. America looked up, only to be greeted by a staff member of McDonald's. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh... uh, no! Everything's fine!" he grinned sheepishly. "Sorry about that." He quietly returned to his seat and tried to focus on the menu once again without causing too much of a fuss. He sighed as he looked over the stuff written there, his mind still unable to focus on anything much at all really, apart from a certain country...

"Oh man, my boss is gonna kill me for ditching my work," he mumbled. He had attempted to do his work earlier and been left with the same problem of not being able to understand anything, even very basic things.

Without a doubt, this was all England's fault. The hero had drawn this conclusion a couple of days ago actually, and had stuck solidly to it. He honestly used to think himself good at working through things like this; such problems generally did arise when your lover was so far away in a completely different country. His body, while grudgingly to begin with, had accepted that fact and so he had gotten pretty used to dealing with... frustration, and he and England would simply make the most of their time whenever they could be together.

Only, they had kinda neglected to do that the last time they were together due to that stupid zombies and unicorns argument. Thus America found himself unable to stop his mind from wandering to very dangerous places that were definitely not appropriate for the workplace, or even McDonald's for that matter.

He let out a long sigh and allowed his head to fall to the cool surface of the table. "Dude, this sucks," he pouted, before adding on purely for his own amusement, "And not in the good way." He chuckled a bit before groaning as his mind began to come up with all sorts of weird and wonderful fantasies involving fellatio.

Urgh, I should just say I give up already, the American thought, before he abruptly stopped the thought. No! That's just what he wants! I must stay strong; I've already come this far! I shall prevail because "I'M THE HERO!" he yelled grandly before dashing out of McDonald's. Just to make sure he didn't waver in this resolve, the hero quickly got out his mobile and texted England:

U redy 2 giv up yet? ;Dx

He did this to show England that he was completely and totally managing fine (cough, cough), but also because there was a small hope that England would text back with something along the lines of:

Yes! Oh yes my darling America!
How could I ever have thought of prevailing over someone as epic and awesome and handsome as you?
I need you right now my hero! Fly over here this instant, I'm in the bedroom love! xxxxxxx

The hero had a stupid grin on his face as he imagined that, only to be brought crashing back down to reality with a jolt when this was the actual reply he got:

Me? Give up? Never. I am managing perfectly.
Why, are you ready to throw in the towel? x

Throw in the towel? Throwing... towels... England throwing off a towel and-

Oh dear God, England totally said that on purpose! Now America could only think about steamy shower scenes and that one time they went over to Japan's place and ended up in the hot springs only to- "Japan still doesn't know about that, huh?" America said quietly, a faint blush to his cheeks. "Damn it England," he pouted. "Saying something like that... pervert," he mumbled, never mind the fact that he was the one fantasising here.

Urgh, I have to somehow get Iggy to break before me!

x~x~x~x~x

~Two Weeks Ago, UK~

England hadn't realised that he had been staring off into space until the sound of his mobile sounded, alerting him to the fact that he had just received a text. He sighed as he looked at the mountain of paperwork before him that simply refused to get done no matter how much he tried to focus on his work.

He knew the reason for his total lack of concentration. Oh he knew the cause of it all right. And it was his fault.

Sort of.

"Honestly, what the bloody hell was I thinking?" he muttered to himself angrily, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the phone and see who had contacted him. No sex? Really England?

The Brit, while perhaps not being completely willing to admit this fact, could accept that he had a very... healthy libido. And just what was wrong with that? He worked damn hard, so why couldn't he enjoy cutting lose? In all honesty, as soon as he had imposed that damn ban he knew that he had potentially shot himself in the foot. But then he had convinced himself that America would surely change his mind about zombies being better or simply crack before he did.

No such luck.

"Stupid America actually taking that bloody ban seriously," he grumbled, until he saw that the text he had just received was from said country.

Of course! America had finally figured how wrong he was and he was texting England to let him know that they could now-

U redy 2 giv up yet? ;Dx

"Bastard!" England was busy contemplating smashing his phone when he realised that no: he could handle this. He was the United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland! He once had control of the seas; had an Empire, he had endured countless hardships and even come within an inch of his life on more than one occasion so he would be damned if a tiny little bit of pent up sexual frustration would be his downfall. He sent back a calm reply and smirked as he realised that perhaps that was just America's way of trying to be clever because he was ready to break down first.

No such luck:

Haha! Nah, I'm cool dude! Just checkin! ;)x
PS- ZOMBIES 4EVA!

Hmm... looks like England would have to approach this in an entirely different manner. He was going over to the States soon for a World Meeting anyway so he'd just have to last until then, which is where he would be sure to win this thing.

x~x~x~x~x

~Four Days Ago~

"Mmm... hnn..."

America stared.

"Mnn..."

Bright emerald eyes shifted to the side slightly, locking momentarily with sapphire, before looking away again.

England... that's just so unfair! thought the tortured hero as he watched, unable to tear his eyes away, from the Brit who was sliding a pen in and out of his mouth in an infuriatingly seductive way. He noticed America looking, hell yes he did. And that was all part of his master plan.

The island nation slowed the pace down to long, languid movements, taking his sweet time while he slid the pen in and out of his mouth. In all honesty, the pen was completely disappointing: cool plastic, not too large and obviously extremely thin. But there was a reason he was doing this, and he glanced over to America again and smirked slightly when he saw the effect this little tactic was proving to have. Maybe this would be easier than he thought, and he would be sucking on something much better than some dumb old pen in the near future.

The hero began to shift around in his seat, knowing full well that he should look away and that this was England's way of getting him to break, but just the way that mouth was moving! That hot, wet, ever so skilful mouth... America wanted to murder that lucky pen son of a bitch! And it didn't help that England had decided to add insult to injury and gone and chosen a pen with a unicorn design either. It was at this point in time that America truly understood how England had managed to dominate so much of the world all those years ago: he was clearly an evil mastermind.

America was extremely close to just diving over the table, grabbing England, and taking him right there and then- fellow nations be damned! Fortunately he was snapped out of it when a hand clapped on his shoulder.

"Amérique, you two are killing me!" France said dramatically, showering the immediate area with roses.

The hero blinked for a moment, trying to decipher what the other was referring to, but he was drawing a blank. "Say what dude?"

"All of this sexual tension, I cannot stand it!" France proclaimed much louder than necessary, so that now half of the countries there were turning curiously in their general direction (much to Germany's annoyance).

"Hahahaha!" America let out a booming laugh to try and compensate for the fact that France had hit the nail right on the head. Is it really that obvious? he wondered. The answer to this question was yes, yes it was. Most of the countries there had been able to tell that something must have happened between England and America to cause the very air between them to become charged with repressed sexual energy. However seeing as America is only really bested in obliviousness by Italy, he had failed to notice this. "Dude, you must be imagining things, you so crazy!"

France raised an eyebrow, clearly showing that he knew what was going on. "I am the country of l'amour! I can tell when something 'as 'appened!" He sauntered over to the other side of the table and very much invaded England's personal space.

"Mon cher, what is going on?" he drawled.

"Nothing at all you damn Frog," England bit out, shoving the idiot blonde away from him. America thought that he sensed an opportunity to get even then, so he rose from his seat and headed towards his disgruntled lover.

"Hey guys," the hero said, turning to address everyone in the room. "Sorry if we've been kinda off lately, but it's nothing," he grinned widely trying to convince the others. He glanced to England who had a stony expression and America grinned even wider because he knew that England was currently thinking:

This is NOTHING? How dare he?

America was hoping for England to snap then and say it 'bloody well was something and they were going to resolve the issue immediately' but sadly that scenario never occurred. That being the case he moved on to his backup plan.

"It's just stressful lately with economy crap and everything," he elaborated. "I guess you guys must be feeling it too. Just take Iggy for example," he moved to put his hands on the Brit's shoulders, "Dude, you're totally tense!"

England resisted the urge to yell, "Well of course I'm bloody tense you git!" and instead drew in a sharp breath when America began moving his hands in smooth motions above his shoulders before moving to focus on his back. The island nation did his best to stay stiff and unmoving, but America knew just as well as he did that due to the startling lack of bodily contact they'd had recently, he was now extra sensitive to his touch. Seeing as Iggy was playing dirty earlier, the American thought he'd follow suit, dipping down in order to abuse one of England's weak spots: his ear.

"England," he breathed, causing the smaller nation to shiver involuntarily. "You really are tense, some of these knots are just so tight." Ha! Beat that England! he thought proudly.

England bit down on his lip to keep from groaning or moaning or anything that would alert the other to the fact that he was being severely weakened. Stupid git! This isn't fair! he seethed, his pride still refusing to let him grab America and kiss him into oblivion. A small growl rose in his throat as he felt America's hands moving lower, knowing that he was going to lose this battle if this kept up. A part of him was surprised with the way his boyfriend was acting, he had no idea that he would be this affected. Usually America was all happy and smiley and content to be a loveable idiot, but right now... the way it was so obvious that America wanted him just as much as he wanted America... okay there was no denying it: it was a huge turn on.

He was so close to just giving in first, but Germany intervened when he shouted, "I don't know what is going on here but can we please just try and stay focused for once?"

That snapped the gentleman out of his hazy thoughts enough so that he could shake off America and escape the touch that he knew his body craved, but Hell would open up an all expenses paid skiing resort before he admitted that. The two sexually frustrated countries were now very much the centre of attention, and Romano was going around with a little black book and taking bets on who would be the one to snap first.

This has to end! they both thought, trying to desperately come up with some method of making the other break before them.

x~x~x~x~x

~The Present~

And so this is where we are now, with two horny countries that really should just stop being so damn childish. None of them had been successful in their attempts to psych the other out and now the atmosphere between them was actually unbearable. The sexually charged air was palpable, and Romano had managed to make quite a bit of money out of the bets that he had going.

England lay on his hotel bed, staring up at the ceiling and doing his best to come up with something, anything, that would finally allow this torture to end. He couldn't stand it; he was physically unable to function properly anymore. I mean for God's sake, it had been well in excess of a month now! No, this was absolutely not acceptable, not at all.

"Damn America," England hissed, the perfect solution still evading him. He closed his eyes, hoping that if he just took a deep breath then everything would somehow get better. All this did however, was serve to make his imagination kick into overdrive.

He couldn't get the American off of his mind, his voice, his mannerisms, that charming, dazzling grin of his... and his touch...

"Oh God," England groaned, knowing that his mind was heading towards dangerous places but it had been so long and there was no turning back now.

The way America would whisper loving words in his ear before teasing his weak spot mercilessly, licking and lightly biting the shell, while his hands would be working on undoing the buttons on his blouse or- if he had opted to wear a t-shirt or sweater that day- tugging off the offending article that was keeping him away from the smooth skin underneath.

Subconsciously, England began to slowly undo a few buttons on his blouse, imagining that it was America who was doing this.

America would run his fingertips along the now bare torso, chuckling lightly with the way England would become impatient and tell him to 'stop being such a bloody tease'. He was always quelled immediately though, when America would lean down to capture his lips in a kiss. While being distracted by this, the hero would run one of his hands up until it came into contact with pink, supple-

Okay this had to stop immediately. England snapped his eyes open and instantly halted the movements of his own hands, moving to do his blouse up again hastily and cursing himself with the state he had now gotten himself in.

He was not going to masturbate when he was actually in the USA and America could be easily reached; there would be a bigger chance of France running off to join a nunnery and taking an oath of purity before that happened.

This was bordering on masochistic now, and he was seriously contemplating just going over to America's house right now and ending this. Actually, that just may work... he thought, and the more he started to figure out the ins and outs of this new idea the more appealing it became. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner? He should just storm the American's residence and make him submit first, it was absolutely bloody genius! Of course the hard part was actually coming up with a way to bring about that turn of events, but a devious little smirk came to his lips as he finally concocted the perfect method to make this whole thing turn in his favour.

No matter what, America would admit that unicorns were better and England would get laid tonight!

x~x~x~x~x

All right! So what is England's great plan? Who will really break first? Will this UST ever be resolved? Review and be on the look out for the second and final chappy (which should be out fairly quickly), where the rating shall be M ;) I'll see you soon dear reader~

xx-animeXalchemist-xx