Ninjas Don't Sparkle

Oneshot. Mikey discovers an unsavory truth. Rated for vampires, aliens, and assorted silliness. For Mikell with love.

~o*o~

Concocted after I had a conversation with a friend. :)

"And WHY the shell are we watchin' this crap again?"

It was evening. Mikey and Raph were sitting on their favorite sofa in front of the television. Mikey was looking mildly perturbed at the spectacle he was watching on the flickering screen, whereas Raph looked greener than usual, irritably rubbing his stomach.

"Mikey, I swear, if I have to watch that actress bite her lip one more time…."

"April said she was takin' Casey to the premiere of this series' last movie tonight," commented Mikey, cringing as several figures hurtled through the air on-screen. "I wanted to see if this was really as bad as Casey made it out to be…..but it's worse."

Raph, who had been taking a sip of soda, abruptly spewed coke all over himself. An absolutely evil smile lit up his face, and the turtle doubled over laughing.

"Casey's at the midnight premiere?" he guffawed. "Wow, the guy must be feelin' like a real man right now, surrounded by those teenage girls from different teams tearin' each other to bits in line. If that don't tell you he likes April, nothing will."

Though he admired his best friend's fortitude, never would he let him live this down. Never.

Mikey's disappointed expression did not change, even when the kissy-gooeyness moved to an actual fight scene.

"Dude…these action scenes reek. Instead of the cast actually movin' around, they just do some cheap animation. This blows."

"Well, whaddaya expect from a movie that's 90% kissing, and 10% plot?" Raph griped. "Mike, just change the cha-"

"What happened to the real horror films, where vampires rode their glory by gettin' glory?" complained Michelangelo, crossing his arms and pouting. "I swear, that scary purple Muppet from Almond Avenue is scarier than these glittery bozos! At least he has, like, lightning appearing behind him when he laughs and stuff! This Edwart Mullen guy goes all fabulously sparkly. That's about as intimidating as an attack from one of those My Little Horsey characters, who aren't even ninjas. Except less designer-color manes you can braid."

"Oh, da Count's a great villain, alright," Raph taunted, jabbing his brother in the elbow. "Intimidating enough that ya crawled into bed with us at night after your dreams of the guy who's a forearm from the waist down were brought ta ya by the words 'Wuss' and 'Wimp.' I thought you were gonna wet your shell that one time you dreamt that he came to New York City to try and take ya back to Almond Avenue with him, where ya had no one ta talk to but Muppets. At least you'd be having conversations with people who match your IQ range."

"Hey!"

"Don't worry. Dat little tidbit ain't goin' nowhere but my blog."

Mikey huffed and swatted at his older brother, cringing as he looked at the television again.

"Dude, I feel SO sorry for Casey right about now…." He said sympathetically, shaking his head and clucking dismissively. "Real heroines in decent new horror films kick zombie butt and take names with a chainsaw. This girl's survival strategy is to walk into walls and date people who might as well be dating walking candy bars. It's just not gonna work. I can get why the whole "forbidden candy bar is the sweetest" thing might be popular with the ladies, but after awhile-"

"Easy, Mike. My gag reflex is heightened right now." Raph shook his head in disbelief as one of the movie's characters fell down and confessed his love to Belle Goose. Belle told him to take a number, and move to the back of the line. After a short period of time, a character who looked like Count Chocula was attempting to break into a house using a hacksaw.

"Remember, ladies, if ya man wants to stalk you, and breaks into ya house ta watch ya sleep, it's probably 'cause he cares," commented Raph, rolling his eyes when the heroine tripped on her shoelace, fell into a clothes rack, knocked over several tables, and tumbled down the up escalator. "This is just sad, Mikey-can't we change it to somethin' a little more…I dunno….classy? The paint dryin' channel probably has a marathon on today…."

Mikey was too busy complaining to listen.

"Tuck the Not Dying kicks this franchise's butt, and that was the same idea, only they characters didn't sparkle and act all mopey! Worse, that was a chick flick April made us watch! A chick flick! I thought I was going to have to boil my eyes after that, but that film actually has meaning. Especially when ya compare it to stuff like this." Mikey scowled as a teenage girl started rolling on the floor, screaming her misery into a megaphone.

For once, Raph agreed, in private of course.

"Dude, they spend like forty minutes of this film eatin' face. It must be like kissin' a disco ball."

"Mmm."

While both thought the movie was awful, neither of them bothered to change it for awhile. Then-

"I got some great sparkly vampire jokes," said Mikey. "What do the Mullens call a trip to the zoo?"

"Shut up, Mikey."

"A buffet! Get it? But wait-I got another one! Belle Goose notices that Edwart is ice cold and pale. What does that make him?"

"A vampire, chucklehead."

"Nope! Vanilla ice cream!" exclaimed Mike.

"I'll make you into Turtle Pudding if ya don't…."

"What do Edwart and a Christmas tree have in common? Well, their balls-"

Raph immediately socked Mikey upside the head, and the turtle tumbled to the floor in a daze. Once the stars stopped swimming in his eyes, Mikey elected to speak again:

"I wish the Mullens wouldn't just walk around all tormented and doomsday and sad-violin-music such. They can run really super fast and kick down walls, but instead of donning awesome capes and designer underwear and rescuing the world, they mope all day and night. Talk about a wasted opportunity!"

"Knucklehead, if I didn't know it was you, I'd say I knocked ya on the head too hard."

"No, no, wait! Hear me out," Mikey insisted. "Imagine us as vampire-turtles, but instead of being bad evil vampires who try to teach children how to count, we go out and kick tail as vampire ninja turtles!"

"Mikey, were you sniffing anything…unusual in the sewers today?"

"We're invulnerable, except to explosions, which seem to happen a lot when we're around! We can lift tanks if we want to, and go all ninja in a freaking scary vampire way! And because we can't be hurt by most stuff, we can walk around in the daytime and people can see us glitter while we stare down at the city like vigils, and they'll know we're good!"

"They would burn you like a witch, more like. I would burn you like a witch, Mikey. Ninjas don't sparkle. It ain't right. It goes against nature."

"But Raaaaph!" Mikey whined. "We'd be super-immune ninjas that happen to go all glittery in the sunlight!"

"That completely kills the idea of being a ninja, ya moron. Ninjas ain't supposed to be strollin' in the sunlight, bein' all creepy and vigil-like. Now shut yer trap, cause I'm changin' the channel."

Mikey growled as he crawled back on the sofa, massaging his aching head and throwing Raph a nasty look.

"'Teenage Mutant Vampire Ninja Turtles….' wouldn't you just pay to see that?"

"I'd pay to see which funny farm the director gets taken ta." Raph's clicker finger paused over the button when he noticed a wrestling match on the television. His eyes lit up in relief. "Ahhh….sweet sanity."

"….I guess it would be a little weird," Mikey grudgingly admitted as the two watched an old woman beat a quivering, musclebound man senseless. "I mean, 'Vampire' Nina Turtles? C'mon, that just doesn't sound right. How in the world would we become vampires if vampires don't really….."

Suddenly, Mikey's eyes lit up again.

"Unless….we came from space….and were Teenage Martian Vampire Ninja Turtles….we'd be rude dudes with attitude while skateboarding around satellites and livin' off da blood of alien animals-"

"Mikey…."

"-ooh! Oooh! And the sun is in space, so we'd all be SUPER sparkly, and sending our glittery goodness down to the world below, which we'd defend, cause we'd be heroes! Except you, Raph. You wouldn't glimmer and you'd plot to take over the world, only ya couldn't, because of yer big, fat head…."

Raph gave him such a look that Mikey's voice died almost immediately.

"Ninjas," said Raph decisively, "Don't glitter, don't shine, don't sparkle. We don't go around drinkin' blood, and we ain't Martians. That's possibly da stupidest thing I ever heard. Not even on your worst drug trip could ya think of something that dumb."

The two spent the rest of their evening in relative stillness, watching the idiot box.

-End.