Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 1: Valkyrie and Mother Brain

4-1-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for Fusion of Destinies and Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

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At first, there was nothing. Then, the camera clicked on, but all that can be seen is the close-up face of an Oriental woman with raven-black hair with five long braids. Plus, creepy eyes with indigo irises and pink, glowing sclera. The image shifted around, as if she grabbed the camera and is curiously examining it.

"Hey, is this thing on? I can't tell if this thing is on," said Valkyrie as she continues to shake the camera. "I mean, shouldn't there be SOME way to letting us know when this whole sordid affair is supposed to start? After all, how can…YEAARRRGGGHHH!"

The camera fell back onto its mount as Valkyrie crumpled. For a moment, all that could be seen is icy mist rising from where her body no doubt lay sprawled out on the floor. That, and the area the camera was shooting at seemed to be a big, white expanse of nothing. But then, someone else, steps into view. A blond woman in a white lab coat of average height, wielding a weapon not unlike the freeze guns that are standard issue for GF soldiers.

"Please, Val, the last thing Grey-X's subscribers want is YOU hogging the spotlight AGAIN, right out of the gate," hissed Melissa Bergman, who for all intents and purposes was the new Mother Brain. Valkyrie slowly got up, using her bionic arm to brush the ice off her back as she looks daggers at Mother Brain. "Besides, I can tell the camera is transmitting a live feed, so let's get to…whatever it is we're supposed to be doing here."

Valkyrie stomped over to where Mother Brain stood, albeit with a noticeable hunch. She stood to Mother Brain's left, her glowing eyes lingering on the cyborg for a moment. "So…what ARE we supposed to be doing here?" Mother Brain asked.

"Turns out the author's got nuthin' at the moment, and since he wants to be a supreme dick on April Fools Day, he's doing some comedy routine about his own damn crossover trilogy," said Valkyrie. "So I think we're supposed to completely rip off ItsJustSomeRandomGuy's Marvel/DC videos or something. There's one schmuck from the Harry Potter universe, one from the Metroid universe, and they just rip on each other."

"Wow, I'll wager I have the toughest job among the Metroid crowd, considering the warm reception you got," said Mother Brain smugly. Valkyrie just stared at her, annoyed. "As for the…wait a minute. Why am I facing off with you?"

"Don't follow," replied Valkyrie.

"How come YOU'RE representing the Potterverse when you're just an OC? An OC accused of being a Sue to end all Sues, for that matter?" asked Mother Brain. Valkyrie looked to be more and more flustered. "On top of that, you're Phazon-powered, have access to Chozo technology, are pretty much the reincarnation of Dark Samus…"

"Well, the whole thing with a being a witch kinda files one in the Potterverse by default," said Valkyrie quickly. "Besides, I was more like Lily Potter's dark twin than another Dark Samus."

"But Lily never had anything of the sort in the books," Mother Brain pointed out, "while Dark Samus was indeed a canon Metroid vi…"

"CAN WE JUST GET STARTED ALREADY?" roared Valkyrie.

"What's the rush? Like you said, Grey-X is still blank, so you got nowhere to go for a couple more years," Mother Brain shot back. "Come to think of it, you're representing a franchise that's completely wrapped up. By the way, from the look of things…enjoy how The Hunger Games franchise is making everyone forget about the Potter craze. Guess you can enjoy watching a certain teenage trio reminisce with Bella Swan and the Cullens about the good ol' days."

"Like you can talk, after Metroid: Other M's ass-reaming by critics, plus sales figures that nosedived into Tesla's old crapper," said Valkyrie. "Damnit woman, even Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 outsold your little boondoggle of a Metroid game."

"I wouldn't talk about critical reception if I were you," Mother Brain said calmly.

"Oh please, isn't the Mary Sue angle getting worn yet?" demanded Valkyrie.

"Who said anything about the reception for Fusion of Destinies II?" Mother Brain asked innocently.

"Not following. Deathly Hallows smashed all sorts of records for books and films, which is more than I can say for your game," said Valkyrie hotly.

"And yet, like Other M, Half-Blood Prince was the next-to-last chronologically," Mother Brain pointed out. "So since you're representing the Potterverse, a belated congratulations for breaking the Internet in half back in 2005. Ron eventually nailing Hermione stirred outrage on the Internets unrivaled until the drama over SOPA."

"Not my fault if the fanbase couldn't read the writing on the wall back in Goblet of Fire," Valkyrie said nonchalantly. "And it's not like the Metroid fandom doesn't have its own share of idiots. Oh teh noes, someone as traumatized by loss as Samus Aran exhibits textbook signs of PTSD after seeing Ridley, yet again, WILL NOT JUST DIE! That's SOOOOOOOOO unbelievable!" Valkyrie cried mockingly, staring at the camera and waving her arms. "And speaking of adolescents and hormones, was it me, or did Other M imply that Samus was boffing her CO's little brother?"

"Because the sexual activity of one human woman, raised by aliens, and no doubt curious about her own sexuality, is just like the tidal wave of hormones seen in Half-Blood Prince. Ever hear of this thing called 'false equivalency'?" quipped Mother Brain. "And you're hardly in the position to preach about NOT being promiscuous."

"It was never mentioned that I slept with anyone other than Severus," Valkyrie calmly pointed out.

"Ah yes, Severus Snape, the character lusted after by a good chunk of Potter fangirls," said Mother Brain. "Which brings us back to that whole Mary Sue thing..."

"How? How does it? In case you missed the end to Fusion of Destinies II, Sev kinda went soft and backstabbed me, and everyone lived happily ever after…until Deathly Hallows," said Valkyrie. "Besides, it's not my fault Grey-X needed an overpowering villain for the sort of story he wanted to tell. He needed someone who could challenge Voldemort, tempt Samus and Harry, had the intellect to manipulate Chozo technology, was skilled enough at biochemistry to attempt gene therapy on a whole planet's population, and…"

"And yet the idea of genetically-modified, unfreezeable Metroids never occurred to you," Mother Brain cut in with a sly smile.

"You can't take sole credit for that!" snapped Valkyrie. "But I guess you made up for that in other ways. If I remember right, your final battle with Samus showed how ingenious and devious you… Oh wait, that's right! You WEREN'T the final boss, or even a boss at all! Only the Queen Metroid and her larva…all of the freezeable variety I might add."

"Which put the fear of Metroids back into many a gamer, Grey-X included," said Mother Brain. "And at least it didn't drag on and on AND ON, like your final clash with Harry Potter and Samus Aran. Plus, let's not forget the overlong fights with the Magneto and Toad rip-offs, the twenty-something Michael Clarke Duncan, and the vampiress leader during a time everyone was sick to death of vampires."

"Some didn't seem to mind the length, unlike how many gamers complained of the cutscenes in Other M," retorted Valkyrie. "There's a reason the scan visor was such an efficient storytelling tool in the Prime trilogy, you know. Ah, but what can you expect from the development team behind flashy, softcore porn like Dead or Alive?"

"Didn't Grey-X go on record, saying your look was partially inspired by Dead or Alive's Hitomi?" Mother Brain reminded her. "Oh yeah, and wasn't that hairstyle ripped from a Sailor Moon villain? Eudial or something? Honestly, what other insipid cartoon characters inspired that hideous look?"

"You wanna talk about cartoon characters? Really? You?" demanded Valkyrie, her composure swiftly returning.

"Err, yes. Why wouldn't I?" asked Mother Brain.

Valkyrie said nothing, but instead held up her bionic arm and pushed a button. A huge hologram projected out of it, displaying the version of Mother Brain from Captain N: The Game Master, spewing hammy lines from the toon and letting out that trademark, grating laugh of hers.

Silence lingered between the two reincarnations of Samus's old foes for a moment. Then, Valkyrie turned to the camera, and insufferable grin on her face. "Game, set and match. That sound you just heard was Mother Brain's ego crashing into the charred remains of SR388," said Valkyrie, grinning at the camera.

For a moment, Mother Brain was silent. "You…were just waiting for the right moment to spring that, weren't you?

"Yes. Yes I was," said Valkyrie. "Couldn't think of a verbal trap to set up for it, though. Of course, everyone will just accuse me of being too obscenely prepared and staying thirty steps ahead again…"

"No, it felt very spontaneous. It truly came out of nowhere," said Mother Brain.

"Really?" asked Valkyrie, sounding as if her spirits were lifting. And then the camera clicked off and the image steadily faded…

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Yes, I am out to be a total dick about how I've proven utterly incapable of hammering out a solid, coherent plot for Fusion of Destinies III yet. In the meantime, this is all you get. Could be worse. Could've ripped of other YouTube sensations…like Epic Rap Battle. *shudders*

But who won that little exchange? You decide! Write your choice in your review…once you're done flaming me for being an asshole on April Fools Day.

Next time: Bellatrix Lestrange and Ridley!