I'm sorry, sorry! I don't know if I'll be updating UDAB anytime soon, just because it's in an icky spot. I didn't plan the story well before I wrote it, so I kind of dug myself into a hole...

Anyway. I hope this oneshot kind of placates the angry mob... Please don't kill me.

Will is stuffing his books into his backpack between third and fourth period when Charlotte Lucas marches up to him and slams the door of his locker shut.

"What the - "

"Listen to me and listen to me well, lover boy," she bites out, expression intense. Despite his eight-or-so inches on her, he cowers at her snarl. "I don't know what's going on with you and Lizzie, or when everything is going to work out, but let me tell you this now: if you hurt one hair - no, if you hurt one split end on her beautifully-proportioned head, I will personally ensure that your head's proportions won't be as perfect as hers anymore. Got it?"

He stares, unsure whether to scoff or be scared. It's a weird threat (head proportions? Really?) but knowing Charlotte, she'd get her revenge exactly as she explicated. Her eyes are practically slits as she glares at him and he blinks, holding up his hands in the universal surrender position.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Charlotte, but to be honest you're kind of intimi - "

"Intimidating you? Good. Now, we only have two minutes left until next period, but after that is lunch. We all sit at the same table during lunch, so I'm going to be watching your interactions with Lizzie closely. Closely. So watch your back." She gives him one last shot of venom and stalks away, frizzy hair like a thundercloud behind her.

Will shakes his head and reenters his locker combination, swearing as the warning bell rings.

Your friends are insane, Elizabeth. Insane.

What did they do this time? (Elizabeth? Really?)

She. What did she do this time. (It's a nice name. Appreciate it.)

Who, Charlotte? Oh no...

Oh yes. Is she on something? Or does she just think she's a badass secret agent mofo person?

... Did you seriously just say mofo?

Answer the question.

No to both. What did she do, Will?

She attacked me. That's why I was late.

Yeah, lucky Robens likes you, or you'd have gotten an after school detention. And what do you mean, attacked?

She accosted me at my locker and threatened my head size.

Your head size?

Don't make that face at me, it's true. Something about beautiful proportions.

Okay... why?

I don't know, I thought you'd be able to enlighten me. And why is she planning to watch us during lunch?

She's doing what?

Yeah, you read that correctly. She's "watching us."

I'll talk to you later, Darce.

Don't call me that. And what? What's going on? You obviously figured something out. What is it?

Elizabeth.

Lizzie.

Elizabeth!

Goddammit, at least open the notes before you shove them into your backpack.

Will can feel Charlotte's eyes on him as soon as he walks into the cafeteria and he groans, setting his tray down and bracing his palms against the table as he leans forward. "What, Lucas? Out with it."

She sniffs. "Nothing."

Lizzie on the other side of her rolls her eyes. "Ignore her, Darce. She's just being ridiculous."

"No, you calling me Darce is ridiculous. She's being sketchy."

"Darce is a perfectly acceptable nickname," Richard chimes in. Will shoots a death look over at his cousin. Georgiana giggles.

"I personally like it," Charlie says, smirking. Jane smiles beatifically and takes a bite of her sandwich. Darcy groans again and takes a seat, leaning his forehead against the table.

Lizzie pats the top of his head. "It's okay, young padawan. May the Darce be with you." Charlotte frowns at this and pulls out a notepad, scribbling something down.

"That makes no sense."

"Your face makes no sense."

"Really? Come on."

"Darce."

"Elizabeth."

"D-force."

"Eliza."

"The Big D."

"Beth."

"Willie."

"Poochie."

A gasp. "You did not just use that term. You did not. Just use. The disgusting pet name my mother uses." Charlotte makes another note.

Richard whistles. "Shit's about to go down."

Will smirks. "Bring it."

Lizzie takes a deep breath. "Remember the sixth grade health video? The one with the flying penises? The narrator called them willies and then for like three months people called you Willie McFlying Cum."

Georgiana chokes on her food. Charlie has to pound her back. Charlotte looks from Lizzie to Will to Lizzie again and scowls, making an ominous check motion in the corner of the pad.

She likes Emerson. -Jane

Sorry?

She likes Emerson. Actually, she likes books and poetry in general, but she doesn't have an Emerson volume yet.

I assume you mean Lizzie?

Yes. You could get her the boxed set of Anne of Green Gables, too.

What's the occasion? Her birthday isn't for another seven months.

There's no occasion, I just thought that... well, I guess Charlotte was mistaken, then.

What? What's going on with Charlotte?

Nothing. Never mind, Will.

Jane. This isn't fair. What's happening?

Well, I think I should go back to my notes. Physics is difficult, you know.

Jane, tell me.

Jane!

My God, what is it with you Bennet girls and not responding to notes?

Charlotte approaches Will again at the end of the school day and shoves a notepad at his chest. It's the same one she's been taking notes in all day.

"What are you doing? No one's telling me anything and I'm incredibly con - "

"Confused? Good. Just read what's in there and then, for God's sake, act on it. Everyone's waiting.

"I... I don't know what you're talking about. You're kind of freak - "

"Freaking you out? Good. You need to - "

"Will you stop doing that?"

" - look over everything in there and finally take action because to be honest, she's not going to be around forever. Sorry, did you say something?"

Will gapes at her. "I - you know what? Never mind. Just go. Bye."

Charlotte spins on her heel and walks smartly out to the parking lot.

A hand claps Will on the shoulder a few seconds later. Charlie. "What's that?"

"I don't know... Charlotte just gave it to me."

"Well, open it."

He does, uninterested at first. But then his name jumps out from the pages along with Lizzie's and he holds it closer, flipping through it.

"It's notes," he blurts out, too surprised to do anything but stare up at Charlie.

"Notes? For what? If they're for Chemistry then please, for the love of God, share them with m - "

"No, not school notes, notes on - " Will chokes on the words, snapping the pad shut and tucking it into his pocket. Charlie gives him a curious look.

"What?"

"Nothing. Come on, let's get to the basketball court. Richard's probably waiting."

"Christ, Darce, put some effort into your shots. What is wrong with you today?"

"If you emphasize another word in your sentences, I will personally rip your tiny balls off," Will intoned, tossing the ball to Charlie as he glared at Richard. "I'll be right back."

"The notepad?" Charlie guessed shrewdly, stopping mid-dribble.

"What notepad? Lucas' notepad? Wait, what does that have to do with - "

"Oh shut up, all of you."

From Will Darcy, to Elizabeth Bennet, 5:36 pm:

Why is Charlotte stalking us.

From Elizabeth Bennet to Will Darcy, 5:52 pm:

What are you going on about now?

From Will Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet, 5:54 pm:

She was taking notes every time we talked or interacted or whatever, and writing down dates and times of said interactions. That's just creepy.

From Elizabeth Bennet, 5:55 pm:

... What.

From Will Darcy, 5:56 pm:

Yeah. That's what I thought.

From Elizabeth Bennet, 6:01 pm:

I just texted her. She's very sketchily not responding.

From Will Darcy, 6:02 pm:

Yeah, that's what I expected from her.

From Elizabeth Bennet, 6:07 pm:

Look outside.

"This is what I get for living just a street away from you," Will sighs as he opens his window and looks down at the girl standing in his backyard. She grins up at him.

"Well, we have to solve the issue somehow. Besides, I want to see these notes."

"I feel like this situation is reversed in terms of gender roles."

"Now now, D-force, let's not be sexist."

Will grumbles as he retrieves the notepad and heads downstairs to meet her on his lawn. She takes the notes from him silently and flips through them, expression torn between annoyance and amusement.

"Yep, this is definitely Charlotte's style," she tells him, tossing the pad back at him.

He frowns. "But why?"

She fidgets. "She has this insane idea..."

"Yes?"

"About us..."

"Yeah...?"

"That we're... I don't know... secretly..."

"Secretly..."

"In..."

"Love?" he supplies, head inclined towards her as he smirks, just a little. "What a concept."

She leans in closer, taking an infinitesimal step towards him. "Right? That's what I said."

"There's no way we'd be compatible."

"It's ridiculous to even think about."

"Preposterous."

"Crazy."

They're so close he can feel her breaths, short and even against his cheek. "Hi."

"Hi."

And then suddenly her fingers are in his hair and his lips are against hers, his hands pressing against the small of her back as she fits her frame against his. The grass is cool under his feet and the setting sun sparks against his closed eyelids. He smiles, corners of his mouth going up and making her laugh.

Snap.

"Charlotte! Oh my God..."

"You're insane. Insane."

"This photo's going on facebook, bitches. Right next to your finally changed relationship statuses. Good God, it took three days of stalking and two empty threats to open your goddamn eyes." Charlotte shakes her head as she starts to walk back to her own house. "I'm exhausted. You guys should pay me for the labor I put into this. No one appreciates me, no..."

There's a short silence as she walks across the street and slams the door shut behind her. Then Lizzie shifts from one foot to the other and Will groans, running his hand over his eyes.

"This town is way too small."

"What is privacy, I ask you. What. Is. Privacy."