Take no Umbridge: The Prank of the Immaculate Conception

It was December the eighth and Dolores Umbridge was surprised that Dumbledore had not yet informed her that she was being replaced. She had hopes that it meant that he had been stopped from his ridiculous plan to replace her with Potter. As she stepped out of her rooms, she noticed that the vulture was back on the bust of Pallas. The Inquisitor was back. She was no longer looking forward to her breakfast, even if the Minister was due at Hogwarts after Breakfast.

"I'm not an invalid, Ron!" Umbridge heard Granger's voice before she came into view.

"I know that Hermione. I'm just trying to help." Just then Umbridge rounded the corner to spy Ron Weasley steadying Hermione Granger. A Hermione Granger who appeared to have swallowed a bowling ball. "You almost fell when you stumbled over that threshold. Hermione, you've got to be careful, now."

"I am so going find a spell that will do this to males," Umbridge heard Hermione mumble. "I don't want to get my shoes wet, again."

"Hermione, you're not wearing shoes, remember," Ron said, as Umbridge got closer.

"I can't see my feet to tell," Hermione said. "Good Morning Professor Umbridge."

Umbridge looked at the girl's feet. They were bare. She started to giggle. The muggle-born know it all was barefoot and pregnant! And apparently whatever she'd been using to hide it had failed today, of all days. Umbridge practically danced as she out paced Weasley and Granger on her way to the Great Hall.

"George Weasley!" Umbridge was coming up on another slow moving couple. "I'm going to so get revenge for you getting me into this." It was Angelina Johnson, and she appeared to be even further along than Granger was.

Two more couples stepped out from a side passage. Umbridge immediately identified the girls as Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell. The boy accompanying Bell said, "I had nothing to do with your condition ... Katie on the other hand."

"Sorry George," Johnson said. "Fred Weasley, you put me in this condition, and by Merlin, you're going to suffer for it!"

Four Gryffindors pregnant! Umbridge giggled. Oh this was so good for her. She could just see the headlines. She passed the three chasers from Gryffindor and their boyfriends.

As she was about to turn the corner, she heard the voice of Potter's slut. "I don't know how much longer I can hold this. You really filled me up." Coming around the corner, she saw Ginny Weasley. It looked like the girl was ready to give birth to twins, maybe triplets, at any moment. She wore a very short dress, and her feet were bare. It was not an appropriate attire for going to breakfast. Potter had his hands around her bulging belly.

"Weasley, twenty points from Gryffindor for your scandalous attire!" Umbridge said, before striding through the door to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, it seemed that all the girls of Hufflepuff were holding newborns. There didn't seem to be any boys of Hufflepuff at the moment. Umbridge was nearly knocked off her feet as most of the Slytherin girls were involved in a mass exodus, crying out, "Got a pee, got a pee." The books that were usually propped up on the Ravenclaw table all had one title, "Name the Baby" and it didn't look like the Ravenclaws were very happy with the choices. Several of the girls of Gryffindor were visibly quite far along.

Umbridge started to cackle. The whole school, every girl pregnant, oh this was too good to be true. She could force Dumbledore out now! She didn't need to worry about Potter taking her place, she was going to be Headmistress of Hogwarts!

"Professor Umbridge, the wards have informed me that Minister Fudge is on his way onto the grounds," Dumbledore said. She had not noticed his approach. "Would you care to accompany me? I'm afraid that Minerva, Severus, Filius, and Ponoma are going to be a bit busy in the next few minutes."

Being at the Minister's side when he saw the whole school, it was a priceless opportunity. Umbridge joined the Headmaster, and met Minister Fudge at the Entrance Hall. She knew she was smiling too much, but she knew that Dumbledore was doomed. By gently tugging his sleeve, she was able to make the minister fall behind.

"Minister, I'm afraid that Dumbledore has been running a house of ill repute, and his wards hiding it fell today," Umbridge whispered. "The all the witches are pregnant."

"Surely not all of them," Fudge whispered back.

"Just wait until you get to the Great Hall," Umbridge said as they trudged through a puddle in the hall way. "Some of them have given birth already, the Hufflepuffs."

Right before the doors of the Great Hall, Fudge and Umbridge came to a stop in another puddle.

Dumbledore opened the doors, and strode through, Fudge and Umbridge following. The Great Hall was perfectly normal. There had apparently been some sort of a water problem over by the Gryffindors, and a few Hufflepuff boys were adjusting their clothes. Some of the Slytherin girls were just returning to their seats, but other than that, it was perfectly normal.

Umbridge spotted the Gryffindor Quidditch team girls and Granger. They were all carefully posed to show that their bellies were still flat. In fact the robes of the Quidditch Team were open to show bare flesh between their halter tops and shorts.

"I don't understand. They were all pregnant. Granger, Johnson, Bell, Spinnet, and Weasley ... they were really far along. They have to be that way. There is no way ..."

"They do not appear to be pregnant," Minister Fudge said. His voice was obviously loud enough to be heard by the Gryffindor Chasers, as they stood up.

"They were, they are," Umbridge insisted. She knew she had seen it.

"It's Minister Fudge!" Alicia Spinnet said, as the girls dropped their robes and headed towards the Minster. "Colin! Take our picture with the Minister!"

There, right in the threshold of the Great Hall, the four Gryffindor Chasers, three starters and a reserve, stood next to the minister in what Umbridge could only call scandalously cut muggle style halter tops and tight shorts. The minister was getting his picture taken with four harlots practically pasting themselves against him. It was scandalous, it was unseasonable. Umbridge knew she'd never been able to wear something like that.

As Creevy's flash went off, Umbridge looked around the great hall. She rushed to the foot of the Hufflepuff table. "Bones! You were holding your baby a few minutes ago. Where did it go?"

"Professor Umbridge, have you been drinking? Are you on some sort of potion?" Susan Bones replied. "The only boy I've held is Zack Smith, and since he claims to be shaving, he's hardly a baby."

"Abbot! You were nursing a baby a few minutes ago," Umbridge said turning to the blonde Hufflepuff.

"The only boy I've let touch my breasts was Neville," Hannah Abbot replied. "And he can do that any day with those hands."

Umbridge sputtered, stepping back suddenly. As she did, Madame Longbottom suddenly appeared in her view, vulture on her hat.

"Miss Abbot, do I need to talk to your father about a betrothal agreement with my Neville?" The High Inquisitor's smile.

"Not yet," the Hufflepuff replied with a smile.

"I saw them with babies!" Umbridge shouted, pointing at the Hufflepuff table.

"Are you a seer then?" Lavender Brown said, suddenly right beside Umbridge. "Like Professor Trelawney, only you can see what babies we're going to have some day? How many babies am I going to have? How many girls? Whose going to be their father? Do they have red hair?"

Looking at Brown, Umbridge recalled seeing her at the end of the table, struggling to stand with a belly that seemed to require a wheel to move. She had to have been pregnant with twins, no triplets. "Where are your babies, why aren't you still pregnant? You should have three, where are they?"

Lavender Brown squealed. "I'm going to have three! Do you know when? All at once or one at a time?" She closed on Umbridge with each question. Pushing into her space. Her shoes echoed on the floor as if horse beats.

As Umbridge turned, she spotted Trelawney, her big bottle bottom glasses, which she now knew were fake, standing on the side line. She captured her in her gaze, and Umbridge could hear her echoing, "I see your doom coming. Doom, I say, dooooooooom!"

Suddenly there seemed to be a crowd of young girls approaching Umbridge. Every single one of them had a question on their lips about their future children, or future mate. They crowed closer, and Umbridge jumped back, right into a couple members from the Board of Governors. She bounced off them, and into another pair. Then into another. It seemed like everywhere she looked there was someone who could take away her job. "You can't take it away. Don't hire Potter. You can't. You can't."

She found herself on her knees before Minister Fudge. "Save me." She looked up at the minister, pleading. "Save me." She found herself felling faint. The world seemed to be growing dim. "Save me." Then there was nothing.

...

That was the last time Dolores Umbridge saw Hogwarts as her Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. She did not return to Hogwarts after Christmas, and Harry Potter took up residence as her replacement.

...

Author's Note:

So it is written, so let it be done.

Take no Umbridge II: Professor Potter is in progress.