"Officer on Deck!"

Summary: Sequel to "Responsibility." C.O. is back! There's comedy, comfort, and chaos as the kitten brings havoc aboard the Normandy and her crew, as told through a series of one-shots.

A/N: So, because of the overwhelming kind reviews and requests, I have decided to continue to saga of C.O. the kitten aboard the Normandy! (It also helps that the Muse that bit me originally is still very attached to my person, and continues to fill my mind with all sorts of kitten hijinks )

So the way I've set up this fic is that each chapter will be a different little story detailing C.O. and his interactions with the different crew members, so there will be different dimensions to the characters. I really hope ya'll enjoy these little stories, and PLEASE R and R! Thank you!

Chapter One: "Dreamless"

Summary: Joker is suffering from insomnia. Can a fuzzy denizen of the Normandy be the cure?

There is no way to distinguish night and day in deep space. There is only the cold, unending ebony void, with flickering lights of faraway stars the only things to break up the wall of blackness before him.

To compensate for the lack of visual time distinction, the Normandy had installed in all areas of the ship "Artificial Circadian Lighting." The lights dimmed at "night" and brightened during "daylight," according to the clock that read Standard Earth Time. It was supposed to keep the crew's sleep cycle normal.

Unfortunately, the lighting system had no effect on Joker, the Normandy's ace pilot. He spent almost all of his waking (and sleeping) hours in the pilot's chair because of his "brittle bone disease," so unless he was looking at his console readouts, he was staring out into the void.

Joker had been the victim of chronic insomnia for many years, but it wasn't until the Normandy's destruction and Shepard's death that he had another reason to avoid sleep like the plague: the nightmares that came from the grief and fear from that night.

When he had first joined the Alliance, he had thought of space as the great frontier, a place to be explored by brave soldiers and colonists. He wanted to be the one who would take those soldiers and colonists to those new frontiers.

Now, after seeing the Normandy nothing more than slag and spinning debris, after seeing his Commander lose her grip on the door of the escape pod and go flying off to the void of space, after hearing that she had died in that void….

Joker couldn't help but see space as the enemy now. The only thing that held the vacuum at bay was a few feet of steel and other materials. He couldn't sleep for fear that if he left the ship unattended, even to sleep, that vacuum would find a way inside and take away everything and everyone he cared about. That the vacuum would take away Shepard again.

And so, armed only with his sarcastic wit, an impressive porn collection, and the best flying skills of any pilot in the galaxy, Joker vowed to protect the Normandy and her crew with his heart and soul. If that meant he had to forego sleep, so be it. At least if he didn't sleep, he couldn't dream, and couldn't remember….

The console was littered with empty cans of energy drinks, and Joker had loud techno music playing as he tapped away on the console, fighting off the urge to sleep. He didn't need to sleep; back in the academy all he did was study, take cat-naps, and repeat. Then he had worked his ass off to get into this chair, and now he was working just as hard to protect it.

"Sleep's overrated," he said to himself as he beat-boxed along to the song playing. Unfortunately, his body was having a hard time believing him. He glanced at the time on the console, and stifled an enormous yawn.

When Joker wasn't watching old Earth vids or pornography, he was practicing his skills via flight simulator. He had logged dozens of practice hours in the simulator, and he was foregoing sleep to keep practicing, to keep pushing himself to do better. He was busy tapping away on the console, practicing a "Crazy Ivan," a flight move he had only heard of, but had always wanted to try. I'll be ready if the Collectors show back up. Now, if I can reverse the engine drive at these coordinates-

Joker's reverie was broken by a sound. A sound so terrifying in its repercussions that it could easily be the most damnable sound to be heard on the Normandy nowadays.

It wasn't the whirling sound of a bad air exhaust fan, signaling that the oxygen had stopped circulating around the ship.

It wasn't the signature clicking sound that could mean the engines were having trouble firing, leaving the ship dead in space.

No. This was a small, innocent sound. He turned off the music to see if he heard it again. After a moment of silence, he shook his head. Must be hearing things-

From beside his chair came a deceivingly innocent "Meow?"

Joker jumped, and immediately flinched. That was almost a fracture he thought. He leaned over the chair to see the little gray-furred, blue-eyed kitten C.O. staring up at him. "Meow!" the kitten said again.

"Aw, shit," Joker said, staring at the furball.

Wherever the kitten was, the heavy determined footfalls of an overprotective krogan were never far behind. Grunt seemed to think that everyone one the ship was determined to kidnap the kitten and kill him when the krogan wasn't looking. The kitten had now become on omen of bodily harm, if not death itself. To see him was to meet with a pair of angry blue eyes staring at you, asking "What are you doing to my cat?"

"Get outta here, furball!" Joker hissed, trying to shoo the creature away. "How the hell did you even get up here anyway? I said go away!"

C.O. ignored the pilot's orders and instead started bounding around his chair and tumbling around in general good spirits. Joker leaned over and watched almost fearfully for the elevator doors to open, to see Grunt come stomping down the bridge towards him.

"EDI, why didn't you warn me?!" he hissed. The familiar blue orb appeared on the console beside him. "My sensors were not alerted to any presences, Jeff. I was unaware you would be receiving any visitor under five inches in height."

"Dammit," he said, and sat back. "Is Grunt on his way to kick my crippled ass?"

"No one's in the elevator, Joker. I don't believe your 'crippled ass' is in any immediate harm."

"What a relief, thanks," he said sarcastically. Several louds thumps forced him to look down the side of his chair to see C.O. looking dazed and lying on his back. The kitten wiggled back onto his stomach, shook his head as though to clear it, and looked up at Joker again.

The kitten turned to the end of the chair's footrest, wiggled his butt for maximum strength, and jumped as high as he could, but instead of getting onto the chair he would only manage to face plant into the pleather footrest and fall to the floor. Joker watched this with a sense of guilty satisfaction.

"You really should keep your fuzzy butt down there, kid….for the love of…will you stop doing that? You'll give yourself a concussion and Grunt will think it's my fault!"

Joker turned from the kitten back to EDI's form. "No, seriously EDI how in the hell did he get up here?"

"I don't know, Jeff." If she could have managed the gesture, he would have sworn EDI would have shrugged her shoulders.

"How can you not know?" he asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Aren't you…ya know…the Normandy?"

"I don't have sensors in every induction port or ventilation shaft-"

An odd puncturing sound suddenly caught off EDI's answer, and the pilot looked down to see that the determined kitten had finally managed to dig his claws into the footrest at the height of his last leap, and was pulling himself up into Joker's chair.

"Oh, no. No, no, no," Joker moaned as C.O. got onto the chair, right beside his feet. The kitten shook itself like a dog and started making his way towards Joker's body.

"I have enough problems as it is without a stupid cat trying to jump on me, thinking I'm a freakin' trampoline! EDI, please, help me out here!"

"What do you want me to do, Jeff?"

"I don't know! Just…" C.O. had finally toddled up beside Joker's lap. He sat beside the unmoving pilot, who was hoping that if he didn't move the cat would get bored, jump down, and find his way back into the cargo hold before "morning."

"Meow!" C.O. said loudly, staring intently at Joker. He was used to being scratched or stroked by everyone he came across, and he did not like being ignored.

"Meeoooooowwww…." C.O. whined loudly, the sound echoing in the empty cockpit. He wiggled his back legs as he readied himself to jump onto the pilot's lap, but Joker grabbed him and lifted him onto his lap instead.

"Ok, C.O. you win! Just shut up, don't flay me, or jump on me, got it? Follow the house rules, you can stay. Stupid cat…."

The kitten toddled around on Joker's lap for a few minutes, getting used to the lean muscle underneath the thin layer of the Cerberus uniform. He plucked at the cloth with his claws, trying to knead Joker's legs into some softer to lie on.

Joker twitched every time C.O.'s claw nicked his skin but the pain was so miniscule in relation to fracturing bones doing everyday things that he didn't really notice. He reset the simulator to try another strategy when the he felt paws on his stomach. Looking down he saw C.O. standing on his back legs with his front ones on Joker's abs, trying to swat at the pilot's moving hands.

"Argh!" he growled, getting irritated. Knowing the only way to get the kitten to leave him alone was to either pet the stupid thing into submission; he closed the simulator and started to roughly scratch C.O.'s head between his ears. He hoped the kitten would either get fed up with the treatment and leave, or go to sleep. Either way, Joker would be able to get back to his practices.

C.O. was rubbing his body against Joker's hand and purring like an engine the whole time. C.O. was used to Grunt's attempts to "pet" him, so nothing Joker could do would even come close to rough treatment. He leaned forward and stretched his whole body, from the tip of his tiny tail to his claws, before flopping onto his back so Joker could get his belly too.

The kitten's underbelly was more like fluff than fur, and the sheer warmth of the thin and tender skin underneath caused Joker to unconsciously become gentler in his ministrations.

Joker leaned back in his chair to stare past the holographic console into the black landscape of past. Without the loud techno noise to concentrate on, and the last effects of those various energy drinks finally fading away, he suddenly felt really tired. I can't go to sleep; I've still got so much to do. I need to keep practicing…need to keep my skills up….need to….protect….her….

C.O. had curled himself into a little vibrating ball on Joker's lap, already fast asleep, as Joker's fingers started scratching more and more slowly. Eventually, the pilot couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, as he finally drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep, his hand falling gently beside the sleeping Officer….

"Looks like he's finally fallen asleep," Shepard said quietly. She was curled up in the chair at her desk in her cabin, legs pulled up to her chest as she watched the vid of Joker finally nodding off at the console, C.O. passed out as well.

EDI's blue body was on the console beside the screen. "My sensors indicate he has entered REM sleep, but his vitals are within normal range-he is resting peacefully."

Shepard nodded, but didn't speak for a moment. There was a sad and faraway look in her eyes.
"Thanks for letting me know about Joker's insomnia. I didn't realize he was having such a problem. I know what it's like to not sleep because of nightmares…."

"Of course, Shepard. If the Normandy crashed because he wasn't at attention, you would probably disconnect my core and destroy it via well-aimed shotgun round."

A small grin spread across her face. "Good to see you're a quick study."

A moment of silence fell between them as Shepard watched Joker's head roll slightly in his sleep, mouth fashionably agape.

"Shepard? May I make an inquiry?"

"Sure."

"Why did you believe releasing C.O. on the bridge would result in Joker receiving adequate sleep?"

Shepard didn't answer for a moment, curling a lock of red hair around her finger. "I read on the extranet that people who had pets were calmer, and in better general health. So I just figured it was worth a try. If anyone deserves a rest, it's that ass of a pilot."

"Jeff can be a handful," EDI observed.

"No kidding. And thanks for your help."

"I only fed a looped video of the empty bridge to his console. You getting C.O. onto the bridge as quietly as you did without alerting Jeff was more impressive, Commander."

"Let's just agree it was a joint effort."

"How were you able to convince Grunt to allow C.O. onto the bridge unattended, Commander?" EDI inquired.

Shepard chuckled. "He really didn't want to do it, but when I explained that if the Normandy crashed because Joker passed out at the wheel, and everyone died, C.O. would die, too. Grunt wasn't happy, but he believed this to be a necessary evil."

A sound from across the room made the Commander look over to see a large mass under a blanket move on the bed. A long, turian-shaped arm reached out to feel the empty side where Shepard should have been sleeping and started patting the area, looking for her. Garrus' voice was muffled as he called her name into the sheets. "Sheppaaard….come to beeed…." he said sleepily.

She smiled and got out of her chair with a stretch. "Make sure he gets a decent rest, EDI. I'll be up later to return C.O. to Grunt," she ordered as she made her way to the bed, to curl up next to Garrus who had already passed back out.

"Yes, Shepard. Logging you out."

END