"Get down!"

The Doctor tackled the red haired human in front of him. The two of them hit the cold grating of the TARDIS floor in a heap of tangled limbs as a missile flew over their heads and hit the central console, causing the whole ship to shake.

"Oi! Watch my neck!" Donna Noble said as she sat up and rubbed the spot where the Time Lord had dragged her down.

"Would you rather I let your head be blown into a dozen pieces?" the Doctor said sarcastically. He pointed his sonic screwdriver at the doors of the TARDIS and they slammed shut in their pursuers' faces.

"I don't think the Second Great and Supreme Roman Empire appreciated your Latin, Donna." The Doctor continued as he dashed around the central console in his usual manner. "I think you told the empress her mother was a dead, stinking salmon. Tricky language, Latin. We've all been there."

"Not my fault they speak such a silly language." Donna grumbled as she joined her friend. "Didn't the rocket damage the TARDIS?" She noticed the console seemed completely unharmed.

"Missile."

"What?"

"It was a missile, not a rocket. There is a technical difference."

"I don't blooming care about your technical difference!"

"It's not my technical difference. You see –"

"So how's the TARDIS?" Donna said, slightly louder than was strictly necessary.

The Doctor looked a bit peeved at being cut off. "A nuclear bomb couldn't damage this box and, believe me, someone tried."

Suddenly, a shrill beeping noise emitted from the console.

Donna covered her ears. "What have you done?" She shouted over the loud noise.

"I didn't do anything!" The Doctor shouted back as he produced a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs from one of his pockets and placed them atop his head.

"You look ridiculous!" Donna said in-between bouts of laughter.

"Ridiculous and practical!" The Doctor countered. The beeping continued.

"What is that noise?"

"What?"

"I said; what is that noise?"

"What?"

"Take off those earmuffs!"

"No! They were a gift from my godmother!"

"Wait, you can hear me?"

"Yes!"

"I hate you sometimes!"

The Doctor gave his trademark cheeky grin and checked the console. "It's a distress signal. Do you want to trace it?"

"Will that shut it up?"

"Yes!"

"Then, yes!"

"What?"

"Watch it, Spaceman!"

Jo Grant walked into the UNIT garage with a cup of tea in hand. Both of the Doctor's vehicles stood in the cramped, messy room. The blue police box stood in the corner and the yellow vintage car stood in the centre, a steady stream of oil pouring from it.

"Doctor? I got you your tea?"

The Doctor crawled out from under the car and took the hot drink from his assistant. "Thank you, Jo."

"So what exactly are you working on?" Jo asked as she sat down on a nearby barrel.

"I'm fixing Bessie's remote transdimensional diptomintor. It's proving to be rather more difficult than I imagined."

Jo pretended that she understood whatever on Earth the Doctor had just said. "Couldn't you just use the sonic screwdriver to fix Bessie?"

"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting. Besides, I don't want to use the sonic screwdriver for everything; I could become dependent."

"Is it supposed to be doing that?" Jo pointed to the ever growing stream of oil flowing from the car.

The Doctor paused for an awkward few moments. "Yes, of course it is."

The garage was suddenly filled with a high-pitched bleeping sound.

Jo fell off the barrel due to the sudden shock and the Doctor immediately looked at the TARDIS in a hawk-like manner.

"What is that?" Jo shouted over the noise as the Doctor helped her up.

"It sounds like a distress signal to me! Or perhaps the TARDIS is telling me my laundry is done! It's difficult to tell sometimes!"

"Only one way to find out!" Jo shouted again.

"My thoughts exactly! Come along, Miss Grant!"

The two of them entered the TARDIS and, just as it dematerialised, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart entered the garage. He noticed the fading outline of the police box.

"Perfect." The Brigadier muttered. "One of these days….."

"Cheers, Professor." Ace said as she leant against the TARDIS console and swung her brand new baseball bat around. "I still say we chuck it into the heart of the TARDIS and energise it up like my last one."

"Time Lord technology is a not a toy, Ace." The Doctor said as he tinkered on the TARDIS console. "The Hand of Omega was dangerous enough; I'm not letting you play around with my TARDIS!"

"We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had let me buy the grenade launcher like I wanted, Professor."

"Watch where you're swinging that thing!" The Doctor said as he used his umbrella to block a careless bat swing from his companion. "Guns are for cowards, Ace."

"If that why you once used a gun to cook a Cybermen fool?" Ace said with a cheeky grin.

"How do you –"

"The TARDIS let me access some of her visual records." The teenager explained.

"Special circumstances." The Doctor said grimly. However, his usual playful demeanour instantly reasserted itself; "Perhaps I should have said; guns are for people with no imagination."

Suddenly, a piercing beeping noise sounded throughout the control room. The Time Lord and his companion covered their ears.

Ace tried to speak over the racket. "What's –"

"It's a distress signal!"

"Are w –"

"Yes!"

"So, how have you been? What's new?" The Doctor asked as he closed the door behind his passenger and dashed towards the central console.

"I'm still serving twelve thousand life sentences, sweetie." Doctor River Song said as she walked towards the console and its energetic user. "So not much is new, I'm afraid."

"Well, that's a shame. But I'll tell you what the antidote to A Shame is; Centauri Twelve's air. It's said to be the cleanest air in the universe. Just breathing it in for a few minutes increases your lifespan by at least ten years!"

"That sounds lovely, sweetie. Consider it a date."

"Unfortunately, the air is only breathable by mongooses."

"What? Why?"

"I'm sworn to secrecy."

River had learnt from experience that it was best not to question the Doctor's more eccentric remarks. Not unless you want hours of your time wasted.

An extremely loud beeping noise suddenly filled the control room.

"What's that?" The Doctor shouted as he covered his ears with a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs he had produced from his tweed jacket.

"A distress signal!" River shouted.

"How do you know that?"

"You told me!"

"When?"

"Spoilers!"

"Well, I'm answering it! I love a good distress signal!"

"Not until I get changed!" River made her way past the Doctor and towards the TARDIS wardrobe.

"Wear something practical!" The Doctor shouted after the archaeologist.

"Practical? Me? Never!"

The four Time Lords stood; staring slack jawed at each other, in the corn field. The human companions hovered behind their respective Doctors, trying to make sense of the situation. Four almost identical police boxes stood like lonely sentinels in the windy field.

"Well," The Doctor in the blue pinstriped suit said.

"This is," The Doctor in the tweed jacket continued.

"Certainly," The Doctor in the jumper said.

"Most peculiar." The Doctor in the red suit finished.

"This is the Omega thing all over again, isn't it Doctor?" Jo said to her Doctor.

"Very good, Jo. Except it seems these chaps are from my future, not my past."

"Donna!" The youngest-looking Doctor noticed the redhead for the first time and pulled her into a crushing hug. "Great to see you again!" Donna looked like she didn't know whether to be shocked, disgusted or both.

"Sweetie, would you mind filling me in on what exactly is going on here?" River, wearing a rather impractical green party dress, said with the slightest hint of jealousy.

The other three Doctors all turned to each other. "Sweetie?" They all silently mouthed.

The Doctor let go of Donna (who was could now finally able to breathe again) and turned to River. "I thought you had pictures of all my faces?"

"What?" Why would I –"

"Oh, nevermind. Spoilers!"

"Why are there other TARDISes here?" Donna said angrily as she poked an accusing finger in her Doctor's chest. "You said you were the last one. Is that what you do? Lie to people to make them feel sorry for you?"

"Last one?" The Doctor with the umbrella said. "What does she mean by that?"

"Yes, what?" Jo's Doctor said.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Donna's Doctor quickly said to his two past selves. He looked at his future self and his future companion and then back to the fuming redhead. "Spoilers, Donna. Spoilers."

Donna seemed to take the hint and calmed down.

"Wait," Ace said. "I think I've worked it out, Professor. This lot are from your future!"

"Very good, Ace." Her Doctor said with a kindly smile. "Except those two," he used his umbrella to point at Jo Grant and her Doctor, "they're from my past. Hello again, Jo!" He tipped his hat to the young blonde.

"Wait, you knew?" Ace asked.

"Of course!"

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"I wouldn't be much of a teacher then, would I?" He said in a tone that implied such a fact should be obvious.

"So these are your past incarnations, sweetie?" River said as she looked over the Doctor's past selves. "It's nice to see you used to have style," she looked at the skinny Doctor in the pinstriped suit, "and I love an older gentleman." She looked at the Doctor in the stylish, red suit.

Donna laughed. "Him? Style?"

"Oh, shut up." Her Doctor said as he rolled his eyes.

"Someone send out a distress signal and brought all four of us here. Why?" One of the Doctors went off on a tangent.

"A trap?" Another Doctor suggested, as he joined in.

"Oh, I do like a good trap!" Another of the Doctors commented.

"I say we spring the trap!" The other Doctor said.

"But what if they're expecting that?"

"But what if they're expecting us to expect that?"

"Then we expect that they will expect us to except that!"

"Alright, stop!" Donna yelled and the four Time Lords instantly stopped. "This is getting really confusing! I can't tell which of you is saying what!"

"You need codenames. Like in UNIT." Jo said.

"Or like in spy films!" Ace piped up.

"Fine." Donna's Doctor said. "I'll be Sir Brilliant McAllons-y."

"I'll be Monsieur Geronimo DeBowtie." River's Doctor said.

"I think we should apply the codenames, sweetie." River said with an exacerbated sigh.

"Couldn't agree with you more." Donna said.

"You're the Dandy Doctor." Jo said as she pointed at her Doctor. "That's what you're past self called you."

"I rather like it. It has a nice ring to it."

"You're the Professor Doctor." Ace said to her Doctor.

"Ace, that's a tautology. You see…oh, nevermind. Fine."

"You're the Skinny Doctor." Donna said to her Doctor.

"I'm very tempted to start binge eating just so you'll stop calling me that, Donna. But, fine."

River saw the pleading look in her Doctor's eyes. She decided to throw him a bone. "Fine. You can be the Bowtie Doctor."

"Yes!" He almost jumped with glee. He turned to his past selves. "Bowties are cool!"

"Please tell me you're not the one straight after me." The Skinny Doctor said.

"Alright, I'm not."

"Oh, thank –"

"But I am really."

"What? Then why did you –"

"Because you told me to!"

"Where are we anyway?" Donna decided to cut them off before it escalated.

"Earth." The Professor Doctor said. "This type of corn can only grow on Earth. And judging by the level of pollution in the air," he sniffed the air, "it's the late nineteenth century and we're somewhere in the east of the United States of America. There's also a small town a mile or two away."

"Oh, I'm good." The Skinny Doctor said in awe.

"Don't you hate it when he shows off?" River whispered to the other companions.

"Oh, definitely." Donna whispered back.

"He never stops." Ace said.

Jo giggled. "Looks like some things never change!"

The companions noticed that the Doctors were staring at them.

"Were you talking about us?" The Dandy Doctor said.

"No." All the companions said in unison. They then burst out laughing.

"Alright, come on, we're heading to that town!" The Skinny Doctor said louder than necessary in an attempt to shut them up. "Allons-y!"

This is properly going to be more of a horror story but I really can't resist injecting some humour; it's just too fun to write! Reviews commenting on the characterisation, the plotting, the humour etc will be most appreciated.