Title: The Day's Dull Catalog

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto. I make no profit with this (like I even could...). Title "borrowed" from a poem by Paul Guest.

Rating: early chapters T, higher rating later on

Warnings: slash (meaning m/m romance), some violence, language

Note: reuploaded because someone asked me to. Reviews are appreciated but not necessary.

Kakashi had spent the better part of his free day lying on his bed, rereading "Icha Icha Paradise" – he had just finished the latest installment of the series and planned to start it all over, because he clearly needed to read all three of them in order a second (and possibly a third and fourth) time to get the full effect of the highly complex and intellectual material (as he pointed out to anyone who had the nerve to ask why he was still reading the same books) – and trying to conveniently "forget" about his meeting with Gai, which the other jounin had scheduled for them the day before, upon finding out that they both had no missions (Kakashi would have to investigate sometime, exactly who regularly told his self-proclaimed rival about his missions or lack thereof. Also, recently their days off had started to co-occur more frequently than not. He was beginning to suspect a conspiracy of some sort). Of course, Kakashi had long since learned that forgetting about Gai would not save him from the challenge. Nothing short of a village emergency would.

As a consequence he resigned himself to show up at their meeting point probably no more than about twenty minutes later than he had reluctantly agreed to the previous day. And so he went, book in one hand, the other in his pocket, the same relaxed pose he always used to annoy Gai just a little bit more, in case his tardiness alone should not be upsetting enough.

They met on one of the training grounds. Gai had actually made proper reservations for the occasion, instead of just scaring away some poor inexperienced chuunin with his hot-blooded attitude. By the time he arrived, though Kakashi could tell that his rival was just about to lose his youthfully patient composure and embark on a search for him. Maybe he had been a tad too relaxed on his way over from his apartment complex; his friend certainly seemed to think so.

"Eternal Rival! You´re late! By forty-three minutes and twelve seconds!" Kakashi met the typical outburst with a shrug.

"Well, you know how it is, Gai... There was this baby panda stuck in a tree and they´re rare, so I had to–"

He interrupted himself then and contemplated the taijutsu expert´s expression. Gai´s eyebrows were drawn together, it looked almost like two big black caterpillars were meeting on his forehead to share some extra juicy piece of gossip and he was narrowing his eyes, while slowly clenching and unclenching his fists. Years of being the green beast´s eternal rival had taught Kakashi (among other things) to recognize the first signs of an impending hour-long speech about the proper decorum of a true and honourable shinobi.

In short, he was quite aware that, if he didn´t distract Gai now, he would not only have to do the challenge, but also have to listen to his friend lecturing him on the evils of being late and making up false excuses. There was only so much even a jounin could take (in fact Kakashi had been wondering for a while now why Ibiki had never thought of employing Gai in his department, it seemed like such a waste of talent).

"I´m sorry for wasting your time like this, Gai-kun", he said, smiling his sweetest smile under the mask and raising his hands level with his chest, his palms facing Gai in the same gesture one might use to calm a terrified panda bear, desperately clinging to a treebrach high above the ground and with no idea how he got there in the first place.

"You know, if you have something else to do now, we can postpone the challenge, or since it´s my fault for being so late, I could just forfeit and you get the point. How does that sound?"

"KAKASHI! " Gai exclaimed, truly scandalized and already forgetting his friend´s other crimes, "We are tied at 57 wins each, I refuse to take the lead without a proper match! It would render the whole score meaningless! Our Eternal Rivalry cannot be treated with such disrespect!"

The Copy Ninja sighed. He knew that he ultimately had no choice but to give in, so he figured he might as well do it before the other Jounin got to the crying and hugging part of his routine.

"Alright, alright", he said "it´s your turn to pick the challenge, so let´s get this over with."

They agreed on a taijutsu match (Kakashi suspected that this had been Gai´s intention to begin with, since it would explain why he had wanted to meet on the training grounds in the first place), for which Kakashi was endlessly grateful, as it was his favourite kind of challenge. Well, second favourite if he counted rock, paper, scissors, but he had not tried to pick that one anymore, because the last time he had suggested it, Gai had nearly burst into tears and claimed that it brought back the all too painful memories of Lee´s injury and the risky surgery.

Kakashi had let his friend get away with it, since even he had to admit that their rivalry – of course he only used the term ironically – would become a little boring if half of their matches were games of rock, paper and scissors. At any rate, a taijutsu match with Gai as his opponent was definitely a good chance for some real training and chances like that were quite rare for a Jounin teacher without a team of students.

These days all the training Kakashi managed to squeeze in between missions were solo sessions, as far from any potential interruptions as possible and solely designed to improve his Sharingan. These sessions were spent concentrating in silence, and afterwards he would have no choice but to lie down for a few hours to make the piercing headache subside.

Training with Gai was about as different from his work on eye techniques as things could get.

Kakashi was constantly moving, not even noticing the voices that carried over from the adjoining training grounds, too focused on tracking Gai´s movement, which was as fast as usual.

Incredibly fast. Just in time he managed to block a kick aimed at his chest with both arms, but he couldn´t completely break its force and was pushed back a few meters against the trunk of a tree, which was subsequently reduced to splinters by the green beast´s notorious right fist. The Copy Ninja had already leapt aside though, and was smirking as wide and as tauntingly at his friend as he could. Sometimes it was really quite a shame that he wore a mask, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that Gai had been his comrade long enough to be able to read most of his expressions despite it. And in case he had missed it, there were even more fun ways to tease him.

"My, my, you´re as lively as ever!" he called and fished his book out of his pocket, "Keep this up and you´re going to make me lose my place."

Gai, who had paused for a moment to see whether his rival was going to start a counterattack, growled and charged again.

They had to call it a draw. It was not a surprising outcome for their challenge, in fact it was how most of their taijutsu matches ended, since going all out in a mock battle was not an option and fighting until someone touched the ground with any other body part than their feet could take some time if the opponents were both experienced Jounin. But the longer the fight went on, the higher the risk that they accidentally injured themselves or each other grew and the village couldn´t spare them, therefore they always set a time limit for their matches. This time it had run out before anyone had lost, and while Kakashi sat down under one of the few trees, which had survived their fight, Gai started to do the 500 one armed push-ups he had promised to do if he failed the challenge.

"You didn´t lose, you know, it was a draw. " Kakashi leaned back against the tree trunk and lovingly tried to smooth the cracked spine of his poor Icha Icha Paradise. Gai didn´t even look up at that, he was counting backwards from 500 under his breath, but somewhere around 467 he sighed and said "I didn´t win, Eternal Rival."

The Copy Ninja carefully slipped the book back into his pocket and fastened his gaze on the other Jounin, just watching his rhythmic workout for a few of his heartbeats, which almost seemed synchronized with Gai´s repetitive exertions. It was strangely hypnotic. He shook his head a little to snap out of it – whatever it was - and then said more testily than he had planned "Well, you can´t always win." The green beast went on for a while as if he had heard neither the answer, nor the irritated tone of voice in which it was given.

At 250 he switched to his right arm and said calmly, still not looking up from the grass, "But I must always try my best anyway. That´s what you´re doing, too. Isn´t it?"

Even if it kills me, Kakashi thought. "Did Tsunade-sama put you up to this?" he asked. Gai's troubled look told him the answer. Kakashi had better do something to put him – them – at ease. "I know exactly what I´m doing. I´m fine, Gai," he said.

The "exactly" was maybe a little too much. It earned him a Look from his friend, and Kakashi took the hint. If it didn´t convince Gai, then trying it on the Fifth would be a very bad idea indeed.

"She didn´t... Well, not directly..." If Gai blushed any more, he would have to start calling himself Konoha's Noble Crimson Beast. Kakashi waited, he knew that Gai was almost physically incapable of lying to his friends; he simply despised it too much. "Okay, maybe she did it directly. But you have to understand our concern for you, Eternal Rival! You are important for this village! Tsunade-sama only wanted me to make sure that you don´t overdo your Sharingan-training. Those eye techniques are highly strenuous and there is very little information about their side effects on the user, because the clan kept it secret. We just want you to be careful. Also, you have been isolating yourself lately..."

Gai had to interrupt himself; his voice had gotten thinner and reedier with every word; he was getting down to the last ten push-ups and needed his breath.

So much for his conspiracy theories, then. Kakashi didn´t know whether he should feel touched by their concern or annoyed that the Hokage herself felt the need to single him out and assign Gai of all people to be his watchdog. He already had eight of those, nagging him to take care of himself. He didn´t need Gai making puppy eyes at him as well. And yet, this was what he got.

Meanwhile Gai had finished his self-imposed punishment, he collapsed on the grass, lay there panting for a short moment, then rolled onto his back and finally sat up facing Kakashi, who had had enough time to decide that he really was irritated with the other man.

"How many gates can you open, Gai?" he asked in a low voice, fully aware that he was crossing a line. Gai was clearly startled, but there was no outburst, no sound at all, apart from the tiniest intake of breath, no movement, except for a flicker of the eyes. It wasn´t the first time Kakashi had witnessed the change which occurred to Gai whenever the Gates were mentioned, the sudden stillness that came over him, a strange calm, much like the eerie peace before a vicious storm or the quiet in the eye of a tornado, Kakashi could never tell which was the more fitting simile.

Gai remained uncharacteristically silent. He sat cross-legged with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes cast down, seemingly lost in thought. When he finally met his friend´s eye and spoke, his usually loud voice was quiet and strangely devoid of emotion.

"I apologize. I have no right to question your judgment. I will tell Tsunade-sama that you are only doing what you think best for the village."

Having said that, Gai rose slowly and turned to leave.

It was exactly the reaction Kakashi had aimed for. He would be able to do what he had to, he wouldn´t be bothered by anyone´s misguided concern anymore, and as an extra special bonus Gai would probably leave him alone for the next few days- maybe even weeks – too. It was perfect.

But either perfection wasn´t all it was cracked up to be anymore, or Tsunade´s worries really had been justified and his training had severely damaged his brain after all, because after ten weeks of what Kakashi would have expected to be blessed lack of attention from Gai, he actually felt some strange longing for one of those weird challenges to break his endless mission, training, another mission, more training and so on-routine.

However, Kakashi didn´t plan to be the one to make the first move. It had been Gai who had broken their unspoken rules about discussing certain taboo topics in the first place; all he had done was to reestablish the boundaries. That Gai chose to feel hurt and pout over something like this wasn´t really surprising, considering his sometimes childish temper, but it was stupid all the same.

Anyway, Kakashi expected Gai to fold in the very near future, he simply wasn´t one to carry grudges and usually suffered more than the person he was angry with, because he simply craved harmony and mutual understanding, while other – more mature – people, like Kakashi himself for example, could live happily without any human contact at all for a long time, as long as they had a good book, even longer if it happened to be a good, filthy book.

His porn hadn´t kept him from confronting the Fifth, though (surprisingly, because it usually kept him from doing all kinds of unpleasant things. It was very convenient in that respect). In hindsight, it hadn´t been a good idea to pop into the Hokage´s office through the window, but since Kakashi hadn´t made an appointment for his visit, there was no way to actually be too late, so he had to show his defiance of the system in some other way and the book of porn alone just didn´t cut it anymore. If he thought about it, maybe the talk with Tsunade was another reason why he didn´t want to talk to Gai, although he knew that he would have to eventually, his last conversation about that particular subject had not exactly gone well.

Even remembering it was uncomfortable.

Tsunade was not pleased.

She had been in the middle of what was officially a highly classified – no personal assistants allowed! – meeting with several ANBU team leaders, but what in truth had been a drinking and gambling session. Kakashi effectively ruined her little party with his sudden appearance at the window, which led to a scramble for masks and weapons all around (the ANBU part had been true). Unfortunately the ensuing ruckus made Shizune assume that her Hokage was in danger and therefore she disregarded her prior orders and stormed in, ready to defend her mistress with her life if she had to.

It took the assembled ANBU about a quarter of a second to realize that there was no actual source of danger - just a source of annoyance – and though there were a few irritated murmurs, no one stopped Kakashi from climbing in with a small, friendly wave and an unfazed "Yo!" It took Shizune a little longer to fully grasp the situation. Her gaze travelled slowly from Kakashi on the opposite side of the room to its middle where Tsunade sat cross-legged on the floor in front of her desk. The Hokage forced a smile in an attempt to distract her assistant from the frantic movements of her hands which were trying to grab all evidence of the meeting´s true purpose and quickly shove it out of sight. A task that proved to be impossible, even for a legendary member of the sannin. Telltale bottles of sake were standing and lying around, some had been knocked over thanks to Kakashi´s surprise visit and cards and coins were scattered everywhere.

Shizune took it all in.

"Um, well, if this meeting is concluded, Hokage-sama, we should probably head back to-"the ANBU abruptly stopped when he caught a glimpse of Shizune´s expression.

Her left eyebrow twitched.

Six elite black ops members held their breaths.

Her nostrils flared.

Tsunade grimaced, at once realizing the futility of her efforts.

Shizune´s lips parted.

Kakashi edged back towards the open window.

When the dust had settled, Kakashi found himself still in the office – the ANBU had cleared out as soon as they could, all of them shuffling and avoiding Shizune´s eyes, some whispering excuses like "We had to obey her orders, she´s the Hokage…" at her in passing, though one of them had brushed past Kakashi, hissing: "Thanks a lot, Sempai!"

It went downhill from there.

"So, you´re actually complaining, aren't you?"

Tsunade – now properly seated behind her desk –glared at Kakashi disapprovingly. Kakashi swallowed, he had tried to make his point as subtly as possible and had started by merely asking about the coinciding of his and Gai´s free days. Of course, he knew better than to openly question the fifth Hokage and wouldn't ever dream of doing so without reason.

On the other hand, a Hokage usually never interfered with their jounins' training routines, or the clan policies. The only exception from that rule had been Sandaime´s putting a stop to Orochimaru´s experiments decades ago, and Kakashi hardly considered his case to be in any way comparable to that particular precedent.

He had expected his superior to trust his judgment as much as he trusted hers. Now he couldn't help but feel somewhat betrayed by her apparent lack of faith in him.

"Hokage-sama, I'm sorry, but you had Gai keep an eye on me behind my back," Kakashi ventured. "I just want to know why you thought that was necessary."

Tsunade sighed and started to rub her temples. "Isn't it obvious? You are the last person in this village with the Sharingan. Remember why that is? I may not have been here when it happened, but I do know about the Uchiha clan. Itachi accomplished what you are trying to do right now and the first thing he did with his newfound ability was to massacre his whole clan. Let´s just say that as the Fifth Hokage, it´s part of my job to prevent things like that."

"You don't really think that I would—"

Tsunade raised a forestalling hand. "I don´t. Then again no one thought Itachi would do what he did either at the time, and I can't afford to wait and see, not when lives might depend on it." The Hokage narrowed her eyes at him and added in a sharper tone: "And I´m talking about your life too, so stop complaining about it!"

Kakashi could almost feel the Damocles Sword of her impending fury graze his scalp; however, he still had one question to ask. "Why Gai?"

Tsunade´s anger was immediately replaced by sheer incredulity. "Whoever started calling you a genius? Who else would I ask? Gai is the closest thing you have to a friend. None of the other Jounin would have been able to spend as much time with you without immediately raising your suspicions; and just in case you were wondering about that, this wasn´t supposed to be a way for me to spy on you. If I had wanted to keep you under surveillance, I would have given it to an ANBU member as an official mission. I actually wanted Gai to be more of a support for you than an informant for me."

The Hokage sighed and continued: "Well, I didn´t expect you to never notice, as a matter of fact I would have been worried if you hadn´t, but I thought you and Gai would be grown up enough to deal with this among each other. I thought that he could talk to you as your friend and tell you to be careful and take it slow and perhaps not obsess more than absolutely necessary and – huh, I don´t know maybe even ask for help if you need it, though now I can see how that might have been too much to ask of two adult, supposedly elite Jounin."

Listening with his eye downcast, Kakashi braced himself for her lecture to go on. Her words were dripping with sarcasm already and he was more than a little sorry that he had ever set foot into her office. However, just as Tsunade had caught her breath – ready unload on him some more, no doubt – two dull thuds, clearly not a result of somebody knocking with anything lighter than his whole body, resounded from the double doors.

For a tense moment he could see the flicker of indecision on her face as she glanced from him to the doors and back, then suddenly something like a strained groan could be heard from outside the office and Tsunade took pity on whoever had the misfortune to visit her when she was in this kind of mood.

"Come in," the Hokage said dejectedly, while Kakashi wondered whether he was supposed to consider himself dismissed. He would have asked to be excused, but another groan, followed by the unmistakable slapping sound of files hitting the ground, and some rather colorful swearing distracted him.

Kakashi watched with carefully masked amusement as Kotetsu virtually fought his way into the office. The room´s heavy double doors were proving to be quite the obstacle for someone carrying a huge stack of files, which was starting to tilt dangerously to the left, understandably more inclined to give in to gravity´s ever present call, than the Chunin´s ridiculous attempts at keeping it balanced.

Funnily, it only occurred to the Copy-Ninja that he could have helped his colleague by holding one door open for him, after Kotetsu had managed to make it past the doors all by himself. Kotetsu, although he was only able to get the slightest idea of where he was going by craning his neck to the side, dutifully proceeded through the room anyway. It was probably a small miracle that he reached the Hokage´s desk without tripping over the evidence of her previous "meeting".

He set the whole pile down on the edge of the desk and placed himself in front of it, next to Kakashi, whom he shot a somewhat puzzled glance, perhaps starting to suspect that he might have interrupted something. "So, what´s all this," Tsunade finally asked, after she had watched Kotetsu´s dangerous approach with the same quiet fascination as Kakashi. In response the Chunin stared at her, as if she had just asked him what that really bright, round thing in the sky, which only appeared during the day, could possibly be.

"Um, those are the application files for the Chunin-exams, Hokage-sama," Kotestu answered, making sure to speak slowly and articulating every word in a clear 'I am talking to someone mentally challenged/foreign'- manner, which, Kakashi suspected, might just get him killed. "You know, the ones you wanted to check personally?"

"Wait a moment, when did I say that? They should have been inspected by ANBU. In fact, I ordered Ibiki to take care of those two days ago." Tsunade´s mood was not getting better. Kakashi caught himself glancing longingly at the window, now closed and too far away for his liking. Kotetsu was obviously at a loss. "Shizune-san said just now that you wanted to look them over yourself, they´ve been at the ANBU headquarters and were examined, as far as I know, but she told me that after last time, well, you wanted to be extra- cautious and double-check them again."

"Shizune, hm?" There was suddenly a deep, ominous crease forming between Tsunade´s narrowed eyes.

Kakashi could see that this was headed into dangerous territory, his instincts were telling him to get away, but before he had a chance to act on them, the doors were pushed open energetically and Shizune all but skipped into the office, smiling sweetly and looking like the poster child for innocence and kindness.

"Ah, I see you got the first batch of the exam files already, Tsunade-sama! Great!"

"Shizune," the Hokage growled. "I distinctly remember giving orders about these files here; they were supposed to be dealt with by ANBU. They were not supposed to end up on my desk. "

"I´m not needed here anymore, right?" Kotetsu seemed to have suddenly become painfully aware of his unfortunate position right between the Hokage and her assistant. "Yeah, I´ll just… Izumo is probably looking for me by now… so…" He started to move toward the doors and Kakashi considered this a good chance to take his leave as well. Kotetsu got exactly as far as one step and a half, while Kakashi had just concentrated his chakra enough to jutsu himself somewhere less potentially deadly, when Tsunade fixated them with a glare of sheer annoyance. "You," her eyes were on Kotetsu and she threw the pronoun at him like a kunai. Kotetsu immediately froze, his left foot suspended inches from the sticky floor. "You can go." He was out the door by the end of her sentence.

"You." Kakashi could literally feel his hopes evaporating in the heat of her stare. "You stay right where you are." He twitched. " And you, " Tsunade turned her head towards the still happily smiling Shizune, who was either completely unaware of the promise of a violent death crouching in the office like a starving tiger, or simply not very impressed by it.

"Explain to me why I don´t recall giving you authority over this decision, when I clearly must have done so, because otherwise you must have gone behind my back in a spectacularly stupid display of insubordination and that really wouldn´t be like you at all." The Fifth folded her arms and leaned back in her office chair in an 'I´m waiting and this better be good'-position.

Shizune didn´t show any sign of worry yet, but she did seem slightly hurt. "Of course, I would never go behind your back. I merely spoke to Ibiki-san about the last Chunin-exams and he told me that Orochimaru´s spy Kabuto had somehow gotten hold of the files last year. Apparently this must have happened while they were being examined and therefore inside the ANBU headquarters, so we think that there might have been a leak within the ANBU, and that there might in fact still be reason to be concerned about that. So, to make sure that nothing like that can happen this time, Ibiki-san and I thought that you would probably want to double-check the files yourself and have them stored here for security."

Tsunade´s frown had gradually deepened throughout Shizune´s little speech, however, she didn´t seem to be able to find any real fault – anything to justify her utter annoyance – in this explanation, a fact which only served to piss her off even more. "But you did order the files to be brought here without asking me first and you told Kotetsu that it was my decision when I hadn´t even been informed, right?"

"Well, yes. I thought it would be best not to waste time with that because I know how important security is right now, with the Chunin exams coming up, and I was sure that you would share Ibiki-san´s and my concerns and would want to deal with this immediately." Shizune beamed. "After all, you placed that security meeting with the ANBU squat leaders right on top of your priority list and insisted to have it today, despite your many other obligations."

Tsunade bit back a groan. It was becoming obvious that she couldn´t think of a way to gracefully pawn the work off on someone else or find any other tactic to avoid it. Her expression was the picture of defeat. Kakashi felt for her, he knew that special kind of misery, which only an impending mountain of paperwork could induce. He had seen it countless times in the eyes of some poor Chunin behind a desk, whenever he presented one of his mission reports.

Seemingly oblivious to her boss´s anguish, Shizune turned and called cheerfully over her shoulder: "I´ll go and tell Ibiki-san to have the rest of the files transferred then," before hurrying through the doors with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

"There´s more?" This time the Hokage didn´t hold back the groan as she eyed the impressive pile on her desk wearily. Her hands travelled up to her temples again and she started massaging them. "I´m getting a headache already… I really need a drink." At this point Kakashi would have loved to leave her alone with her imminent alcoholism, but since she hadn't dismissed him earlier he guessed that there was still something she wanted to tell him.

"Hokage-sama," he said tentatively to remind her of his presence, yet hoping at the same time not to remind her of his role in her previously ruined meeting and its consequences. She glowered at him, then sighed when he held her gaze. "I´m fairly certain Gai didn´t say what I´m about to say now, since he just doesn´t have it in him to think like that, but… well, I want you to consider the possibility that you may simply not be able to master the Mangekyo. Ever. I think you understand what I´m trying to say."

"Yes, I understand, Tsunade-sama." Kakashi lowered his gaze. Of course, it had occurred to him before. He wasn´t an Uchiha after all, and yet hearing the Hokage point his limits out to him made his efforts seem all the more futile.

"Good." Tsunade leaned back in her office chair again, however, instead of allowing him to leave as he had expected, she waited for him to look her in the eyes, then added sternly: "There´s another thing; Sakura is – as you should have been able to guess – going to take the Chunin exam again. Talk to her, wish her luck, it´s the least you should do."

"I will." In fact, Kakashi had not thought – deliberately not thought – about Sakura for quite some time now. So she was taking the exam. He found himself –much to his own surprise– wondering how she would do, whether she would pass this time. If she did, he knew that he didn´t deserve any credit for it.

"You can go." The Fifth was already turning towards her stack of files when she uttered the dismissal.

He didn´t need to be told twice.

Kakashi stopped reminiscing about his unfortunate encounter with the Hokage and started concentrating on his current problem: finding Gai and talking to him without it seeming like he was making the first move, because he was tired of waiting for Gai to give in. The only way would probably be to 'accidentally' run into him somewhere.

Maybe then he could finally find out what the hell was wrong between them.