I stare in the mirror wondering if I look like someone who could save your life.

What does a doctor look like really? I'd imagine him to be older with lines of wisdom running along his face. He should have kind eyes and firm, strong hands. He should walk with his shoulders back and hold dignified conversations about the merits of laparoscopic surgery.

I don't look like a doctor. I'm too small. My hands are narrow and weak. I slouch when I walk. I'm too young. I'm too inexperienced. And I'm a woman. After all this time, and all the advances women have made in the field—my mother included—I'll still never be as respected as I should be.

It's time to leave. I have a forty-eight hour shift, then fifteen hours off, and then I'm back on for thirty-six hours.

I should have been a teacher. They have summers off.

I look tired and scared.

I'm going to fail.

The apartment smells good, like bacon and butter. I grab my bag and shoes and set them by the front door. The hospital might be only a few blocks away, but I can't afford even a minute if I forget anything. The kitchen is a mess of egg shells, dirty pans, and chopped tomatoes. Next to the stove is a plate waiting for me—a tomato and basil omelet with a side a bacon. There's a piping hot cup of coffee calling my name. I didn't sleep much last night, so I grab the coffee first.

The sliding door to the balcony is propped open. I take a grateful sip and step out into the warm morning.

"Dr. Grey," Derek greets me with a smile.

I can't help but smile back, still feeling butterflies in my stomach all these years later. I lean down and kiss him. "Hi."

"Are you ready?"

I sit in the chair next to him and look out across the Upper East Side. The park looks like an oasis in the distance and all I want is to go back to the day of our date there—where Derek tried to convince me New York was the place to be. Who knew nine years later, I'd still be calling this city my home.

"As I'll ever be."

Derek touches my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into his hand. "You'll do great." I turn and kiss his palm.

"I'm Ellis Grey's daughter, I better do great."

"Never mind her. One day, when you've put in the time, no one will even know her name. They'll know Grey, but they'll think of you and all the amazing things you've done."

I glance down at my left hand, twirling the ring around my finger. "Are you sure you don't mind if I don't change my name? I mean, it's not like I don't like your last name. I do. But I just love being Meredith Grey. And as much as I hate all that comes with that, it really has helped me so far. People take me seriously already, and you know how difficult respect is to earn. I just think it'd be good to stay Meredith Grey, you know. But if it bothers you—"

My breath catches as Derek kisses me. I lean into him, accepting his kiss fully. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, whenever Derek kisses me, or touches me, or looks at me, I still feel like the seventeen year old I once was—the one who fell in love too quickly, but made the best decision she ever could: the decision to stay.

Derek pulls away for a second, sets his coffee down before reaching for mine. He takes my hand and pulls me to him. I slide down into his lap and resume the kiss. His hands slide underneath my tee shirt and over my ribs. I cup the back of his neck, drawing him closer.

When he pulls away, I feel a lingering sadness of change. In just an hour, our lives will change irrevocably. I'll no longer be home all day studying and taking exams; I'll be working and while we'll be at the same hospital, everything is about to change. I just want to crawl back into bed with Derek and forget about today.

"You don't need to change your name." He touches the ring. "I want to marry you whether you're Meredith Grey, Meredith Shepherd, or Meredith Grey-Shepherd. Plus, I stopped listening to your rambling after you said 'I do,'" he grins at me.

"Knock knock," someone calls from inside the apartment.

Derek and I both stand, Derek walking back inside first. "Cristina," he sighs. He loves Cristina, but only because I do. I think if they had a choice, they'd never spend time together.

"Oh god, look at that thing," Cristina groans and points to my hand. "It's like you strapped a freaking mine to her hand. Are there any diamonds left in the world?"

"Hello to you too, Cristina. I take it Meredith gave you a key." He eyes me as if I'm in trouble, but we both know better.

"Took her long enough. I would say let me see that thing," she motions to my hand again, "but I'm pretty sure they can see it from Pluto."

I hold my hand up to stare at the ring again. "It's not that big."

"Yes it is," Derek and Cristina say at the same time, and then glare at one another.

"I need to get out of here," Cristina turns to the door. "Come on. We have forty-eight blood-filled hours waiting for us."

I turn to Derek, who watches on quietly. I ignore Cristina's presence for a minute and lean into him. "So I'll see you later?"

"Of course. I have a surgery at eleven, but I should be out by three-ish, if you want to do a late lunch."

"Yes please." I kiss him. "You'll be nice to the interns, right?"

"Yes, I promise," he grins.

"Why won't you tell me who you have?"

He kisses me, "Because none of them are you, so it doesn't matter."

Cristina makes a gagging noise. "I'll see you downstairs. Hurry up."

Derek laughs and kisses me again. His tongue slides into my mouth with a sigh. I run my hands down his shirt, feeling each button, and so desperately wanting to undo them and feel his skin against mine. But I can't, so I pull away.

"Is the ring really that big?"

He laughs, "Yes. Does it bother you?"

I stare at the sparkling diamond and wonder what my engagement ring should look like. How big is too big? If I were a homemaker or maybe a realtor, would a bigger ring do, or because I'm a doctor does it feel ridiculous?

I'm a doctor.

I smile, despite myself. "Maybe I just won't wear it all day. I love it, but I don't want it to get mucked up at work."

Derek pushes my hair behind my ears. "That sounds like a good compromise."

My phone begins to ring in my purse. I'm sure it's Cristina.

"I have to go."

Derek kisses me once more, "Alright. I'll see you later. Have a good day!"

I grab my shoes and bag, toss Derek a wave and a smile, and head downstairs.

I'm about to become a doctor.

Hour Eight

The morning is a madhouse. I'm not sure I breathe the entire time, let alone eat or go to the bathroom. The Nazi has already earned her name, giving that she's made us run up and down the stairs about fifty times, yet we've barely been allowed in a patient's room. I stood in the gallery for a minute, but I couldn't see much. I'm lucky to have Cristina and Izzie in my group, along with a guy named George. He's nice, and probably gay, so things are looking up.

Bailey keeps giving me a look though, a look that screams: I know who are and who your mother is, but I won't be giving you any breaks. In fact, she made a point of calling me out while we were going over her rules. "I don't care who your mother, father, or sister is. You'll all be on scut at some point; you'll all be in the gallery watching; and you'll all be held accountable for your mistakes. This is my license and I won't have some first year ruining my good name."

I'm pretty sure my cheeks are still red.

I worked through most of lunch, since my one case—Katie Bryce, a rhythmic gymnast—keeps paging me. I honestly think I might have to kill her, just to get a moment of peace.

By three, I'm excited to see Derek. I hear his group is full of nosy gossips, all of whom have already found out Derek is my fiancé. They also know about my mother being the chief, so all around, my name is on everyone's tongue.

But Derek is late. I check my phone and pager, but they're both quiet. I'm thinking of returning to work, maybe checking on Katie, when Mark sits down beside me.

"It's three Grey, and you already look beat. Better have some coffee."

"Have you seen Derek?"

Mark takes a big bite of his cheeseburger. "Yup," he says through a full mouth. "He's stuck in surgery."

"Oh."

"Welcome to the world of being a doctor," he grins. "I hear O'Malley got the first surgery. I bet the Chief won't be happy about that."

I pick at my salad, seriously wishing I could have Mark's burger right now. "She'll get over it."

"Have you seen her? She's in a mood today."

"I'm trying to avoid her. There's enough gossip going around about me already."

"Ah yes, the engagement. Where's the ring?"

I feel my empty finger. "I can't operate with that thing on my hand."

Mark laughs, "I told Derek it was too big."

"It's not that. I love it. I just can't wear it during work. It'll catch on gloves and tubes and things."

"As if you're allowed to even put on gloves. You're a surgical baby; no one in their right mind would allow you near anything having to do with medicine." Mark's pager rings from his waistband. "Gotta go, Grey. Finish my food for me, okay? You're too thin."

I eye Mark's burger for exactly two seconds after he dashes off before deciding to eat the entire thing. It's the best choice I've made all day.

Hour Twelve

Katie Bryce pages me. Again.

I leisurely walk to her room, expecting her to bitch about the TV again or maybe complain about the crappy hospital food. Instead, I walk into her room and find my patient having a grand mal seizure.

My vision tunnels and all I can see is the teenager shaking and foaming from the mouth. I hear voices around me—shouting at me to do…something…but my hands are frozen. My mind is playing a loop of medical texts over and over again, but I can't seem to focus on anything. How am I supposed to handle this? Shouldn't some better equipped be in this room?

But all eyes are on me and I can't fail. I am Ellis Grey's daughter after all.

"Dr. Grey, what do you want to do!?" someone shouts.

"Phenobarbital. Load her up with Phenobarbital!"

We turn Katie onto her side and administer the drugs. She shakes for another few seconds, and then her heart stops. So does mine. The orderlies and nurses work quickly and someone puts the paddles in my hands. I shock a heart for the first time. And then again. I can feel the blood rushing through my ears. She's going to die. It's my first day, and my patient is about to die.

The paddles are charged again and I shock her heart. Her rhythm catches, and suddenly she's not dead.

I feel overwhelming relief.

"Good job Dr. Grey." I look up and see my mother standing in the doorway. "Although, it would do to get to your patient faster next time. This isn't a grocery store; this is a hospital, no dawdling."

My face flushes.

"Will you come with me, Meredith?" she asks, but I know it's not a request.

I hand the paddles away and follow my mom out of the room. She walks quickly down the hallway and holds the door open to her office. I'm so used to the minimalist space—not even a picture of me graces the desk—but being here now feels wholly different. I feel like I'm in the principal's office, if the principal happened to be my mother.

She walks around her big glass and chrome desk and shuffles some papers. The glass walls are intimidating and I feel like everyone is judging me. Cristina walks by and eyes me curiously. I'm a caged animal.

"George O'Malley has the first surgery."

I say nothing.

"Dr. Burke always picks the weakest link. It's good you didn't win that."

"Why does he pick the weakest?"

"It's a tactic. A good way to weed out those who won't make it in this program."

I tug on my sleeve of my shirt beneath my scrubs. I'd really like to go to sleep now.

"Derek came to see me last week. He asked me an important question."

My stomach tumbles.

"And I ran into Mark Sloan today and he was gossiping with his fellow residents. Apparently my daughter is engaged and I didn't know it yet."

"It just happened after—"

"—the boards. Yes, I know from Mark Sloan."

"I was going to tell you today."

"Never mind that. I'm just glad I know. I guess a congratulations is in order." She smiles. "Are you happy?"

I find myself smiling in return. "Yes, very."

"That's all that matters. I will be getting an invitation, right?"

I laugh, "Of course, Mom. Derek wants you there, at least."

She rolls her eyes. "Well, I'll go for Derek then. Can I see the ring?"

I think about the rock in my locker. My mom will have many opinions on its size, so I decide to put it off for as long as possible. "I left it at home. Can't cut with a ring on your finger, right?" I ask, remembering my mom always taking off hers back when my dad was still alive.

"Well I'll see it Thursday night when you and Derek come for dinner."

"Dinner?"

"Your fiancé already agreed for the both of you. I'd like to see you outside the hospital."

"Dinner, then."

The phone rings. "I'll see you later, Meredith."

I'm dismissed. I make it as far as the door before she stops me, "You did a great job today. Just make sure you make it there faster next time."

"Thanks Mom."

She smiles and picks up her phone.

I shut the door behind me.

Maybe I can be a doctor.

Hour Sixteen

Katie Bryce's parents have questions I can't answer. I don't know what's wrong with their daughter, or why she keeps seizing, so instead of bullshitting them, I excuse myself. Doctor Bailey is harried when I find her, but she gives me just enough time to point out the resident assigned to the case, Doctor Shepherd. By the way she says Derek's name, I know she knows about us. But then again, I'm sure everyone does after Mark opened his big mouth.

Derek sees me from across the room and smiles. He hands a chart off to someone in light blue scrubs like me and nods toward a door. I follow him.

We step into a stairwell and Derek checks up and down to make sure we're alone. He turns back to me and kisses me soundly. "How are you?" he asks against my lips, but doesn't give me enough time to answer before kissing me again. I wrap myself around him, my hands finding the base of his spine and his side, his weaving through my hair and cupping my ass. This is not the kind of kiss for a sterile hospital.

My back presses to the railing, with Derek leaning down onto me, causing me to arch up against him. I reach up under the back of his scrub top and lavish in the feeling of his warm skin on my fingertips. I shiver as her traces my lips with his tongue, before breaking away and kissing down the column of my throat. I roll my head to the side and for a moment, I forget where I am.

When I remember, I push him away.

"Stop, stop. I'm supposed to be working."

"So am I," Derek grins and leans in again.

I step around him and to the other side of the landing. "No kissing at work."

He rights himself. "Never?"

"No, never. We should remain professional."

"Everyone already knows we're engaged." He steps in front of me.

I rest my palm on his chest, keeping him a literal arm's length away from me. "That doesn't matter. In this hospital, we're co-workers. Actually, you're my boss, so it's inappropriate."

"So no sex in the on call room?" he smirks.

"No."

"Really?" he runs his hand up my arm before cupping my neck. My elbow bends and he steps closer. "I've been waiting to have sex with you in the on call room for years," he whispers and slides his hand down the front of my scrub top, effectively groping me through the material. I shiver and feel myself burning from the inside out. Derek leans against my again; I can feel all of him.

"Derek, it's my first day," I say quietly.

He brushes his lips to mine. "So?"

I push my hips against his. "I have to work."

Derek kisses my neck. "Come to an on call room with me."

"Derek…" I sigh as his hand creeps up the front of my top and skims over my bra.

He sucks on my collarbones one at a time. I roll my head back. "Come on."

The door opens and Derek and I pull away faster than two teenagers behind the bleachers at a school dance. I bang my elbow on the railing while fixing my top and Derek tries—and fails—to covers his erection. Izzie eyes us both from the doorway. "I see you two have been keeping yourself occupied."

My relief that it's only Izzie is immeasurable.

"Doctor Shepherd," she says with a tone, "Bailey is looking for you. It's Katie Bryce."

"How did you find us in here?"

Izzie laughs, "Mark. He said he'd seen you two sneak off. He also wanted me to tell you," she says to Derek, "that there are on call rooms for a reason. And something about a glove and love, which I will not repeat," she crinkles her nose. Izzie looks us over once again, laughs, and shuts the door behind her.

Derek runs a hand through his hair. "Shit."

"This is exactly why we're strictly co-workers."

"But—"

I kiss him lightly, run my fingers through my hair, and leave him in the stairwell by himself.

Hour Seventeen

Derek needs someone to assist him and the attending on call in the operating room for Katie Bryce's brain surgery. He can't pick me, even though I've been with her from the beginning. So he's listening to the suggestions of the other residents and the attendings. He'd like to pick me; in fact, I deserve it, but it would look like favoritism. The one major drawback of our relationship is Derek can never pick me without ridicule. So Dr. Bailey, Mark, Dr. Torres, Dr. Hunt, and Dr. Robbins sit around a table in the conference room talking about us.

Izzie, Cristina, George, and I sit outside waiting. George is the new 007, so he won't get it.

"Everyone's calling me 007," he groans for the fifth or sixth time.

"No one's calling you 007," we all reply.

"Derek will pick me. He likes me," Izzie smiles. She is right; Derek does like her—more than Cristina at least.

"Cool it Doctor Barbie, Derek is going to pick based on talent. And you have none," Cristina replies.

I watch Derek as he paces the room. "Doctor Shepherd," I remind them, "isn't picking. Bailey, Sloan, Torres, Hunt, and Robbins are."

"You're going to get picked," George adds. "You're friends with all of them."

"I don't even know Robbins or Torres."

He snorts, "Sure you don't."

Derek meets my eyes. He smiles.

"I'm not going to get picked because I didn't make out with Dr. McDreamy in the stairwell today. Maybe I should put out for Hunt. He's attractive, in that red-haired, Irish-looking way." Cristina tilts her head to the side regarding Dr. Hunt.

"You told her?" I ask Izzie.

She shrugs, "It's not like anyone cares, and you're practically married."

I look down at my feet. "I deserve this surgery."

"For playing tonsil-hockey with McDreamy?" Cristina asks.

"What's with the McDreamy stuff? He's going to hate that."

"All the more reason to stick him with the nickname."

The conference room opens and Dr. Bailey walks out first. She eyes us all. She's quickly followed by the other residents. "O'Malley, scut. Stevens, Mr. Wilder in 2113 needs a CAT scan. Yang, Doctor Hunt has requested you. And Grey," she narrows her eyes at me. "You'll be with Shepherd."

Derek beams at me.

"Scram," Bailey says and everyone, including the residents, bolt. She turns to Derek and me. "I'm watching you two. Got it?"

"Yes, Doctor Bailey," we both say.

As Dr. Bailey turns the corner, Derek takes my hand. "They chose you."

"Why?"

"I think they want to see what you can do." He squeezes my palm, "See you in there."

Hour Nineteen

Derek stands behind Katie Bryce's exposed skull and holds a drill in the air. I've never, ever found him more attractive in my life. He looks up at me, beneath his mask, and smiles. I can tell he's smiling by the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. He nods his head and I walk into the operating room.

I stand out of the way, behind the nurses, and observe. That's what I'm here for, anyway. To watch. To take it all in. To learn.

"It's a beautiful night to save lives. Let's have some fun."

And with that, Derek makes a cut.

He's a resident, but he's at the top of his class. Back when Derek was an intern, everyone wanted him in their OR. Derek is attentive and precise. He's exactly who you'd want to be your surgeon. He's a perfectionist and compassionate. And he loves what he does. He was the first of his year to receive a solo surgery, and since then he's been cutting in every OR he walks into.

Watching Derek makes me proud and gives me something to look forward. Maybe one day I'll be as good as him.

He meets my eyes and grins. He nods again and looks to the scope next to him.

I walk around the nurses and doctors and slide up next to him. Derek is still grinning beneath his mask.

I look down into the scope and for the first time in my life, I look into a human brain. I watch Derek's bladE gliding along the skin and his hands moving to suction the blood. He's flawless and confident. The room is quiet save for the machines keeping Katie Bryce alive, but I'm sure I can hear his heart beating. Derek gets high on cutting, on saving people, and I feel the same rush through my veins.

He turns to me, the light from his head lamp nearly blinding me, but I can feel his happiness. He's waited just as long as I have for the moment that I'd work beside him.

The next hour rushes by, but the entire time, all I can think is: this is it. This is what I worked for all my life.

Hour Twenty-four

I sit outside the operating room after Katie's surgery. She'll be just fine, or so I can tell. Derek seemed pleased as he sewed her up, and excused me during the tedious process. I would have loved to have just stood and watched him longer, but he said I was dead on my feet. I haven't slept in a day, but neither has he.

The door opens behind me and Cristina walks out. She glares at me and then softens.

"I think I should sleep with Hunt."

"For the perks?" I ask.

She shrugs and plops down beside me. "He's a good guy, I guess."

"Why do you need to sleep with anybody?"

Cristina rolls her eyes, "It's been a long time, Meredith."

I smile; I don't know what that's like.

"You get that I hate you, right?"

"Yeah. I do."

She stands up. "You're happiness is sickening. I miss runaway Meredith."

"She's still here, trust me."

"Oh no, you are far from the dark and twisty days of fucked up, teenaged Meredith Grey. I have to go before I catch your happiness."

I laugh, "Bye Cristina."

I might sit there for another minute or three hours, I honestly couldn't tell. The rush of the surgery keeps me awake and all I can think about are the hours spent simply studying medicine and how through my studies, I never expected it to be so…so…incredible. Nothing could ever adequately explain how perfect being in an OR feels. How extraordinary you feel when you watch someone save a life and knowing that one day, that someone will be you.

I'd always watched my mom rushing off to work and I never really got it. I never understood, neither did my dad, I'm sure, how amazing it was to be standing there, beneath all the lights, with a scalpel in your hand. I didn't understand the high or the rush. So I punished my mother for neglect. And maybe she did neglect me, but now, I fully understand why she did. She couldn't help it. Because who wouldn't want to feel like a god if given the chance?

The door opens behind me again and Derek walks past me. He stops at the empty nurse's station and focuses on his paperwork, pausing for a second to remove his scrub cap. He glances in my direction and slowly grins.

"Hi."

"Hi," my voice cracks.

Derek leans against the counter and sighs, just watching me.

"That was amazing."

"Yeah," he says.

When I look at him, I see so much beyond his handsome face or his wonderful personality. I see the past. I see myself alone in a city that planned to kill me. I see myself growing to like the stranger who rescued me, and eventually fall in love with that stranger. I see myself making love to him for the first time. I see him turning to me in the courtroom and realizing we were free to do whatever we wanted without having to hide.

I also see my present. The here and now. Our apartment just a few blocks away—a mix of his things and mine. The Saturday nights we lie on the couch eating ice cream and the walks through the park when it's warm. I see the visits with my mom and the weekends to Connecticut to visit his family.

And then there's the future. The ring on my finger promises so much for us and while I can't really speculate how we'll live our lives as husband and wife, I can imagine how much fun it will be to take the journey with Derek.

I stand and walk to Derek's side. I look up at him and wrap my arm around his waist. "I love you."

"I thought we were strictly co-workers while in the hospital," he teases.

I press my mouth to his. "I love you," I repeat.

"I love you, too. Now can we have sex in an on-call room?"

I burst out laughing and turn from him.

"Please!" he calls after me.

I turn and watch as Derek approaches me. "In your dreams Shepherd."

When Derek catches up with me, he slides his hand into mine and follows me down the hallway. I pause at an on-call room, check inside, and slide into the dark room.

I don't know what the future holds, but the present looks pretty good to me, and that's all you can ask for. Right?

There's so much to say, but only so much babbling allowed, so I'll try to keep this short-but I know I won't succeed!

First, thank you for reading. Obviously, all my work would mean nothing if not for the readers. If you ever commented, I thank you as well. I've never been one to demand reviews from my readers, but I really, really appreciate them! You have all been so kind :)

Second, a little about this update. Since the beginning, it seems everyone wanted to read from Meredith's POV, but it never would have worked. The whole point of this story was keeping Derek in the dark and showing even a second of Meredeth's POV might have complicated that. But I decided because you've all been so kind, now was the time. Also, everyone (almost) wanted the future, so your wish is my command! I really had a fun time writing this epilogue.

Third, I will be writing again. I have a very good idea now, but it might take some time. Obviously, you'll be the first to know!

Fourth, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

And with that, I say goodnight.

*tear*