If you haven't seen the season finale, don't read this.
Everything went by in a blur, she heard her mother speaking, but when she said 'body bag' the words all blended together and rang in her ears. She wasn't even aware that she was fighting to get to Maya until she felt Spencer wrap her arms around her waist and refuse to let her go. Without warning her knees gave out and Spencer was now supporting her weight entirely, with Aria and Hanna trying to help. She didn't know she was crying until her vision blurred and she didn't know she was screaming out 'no" until her throat hurt. She could fell Spencer's arms around her, holding her, hugging her close to her, whispering soft soothing things in her ear, trying to stifle her own tears in an effort to comfort Emily. The girls and Pam all tried to move Emily inside but it was pointless; Emily was heartbroken and moving hurt too much, breathing hurt too much, crying seemed to be the only thing she could do with any ease. After a few minutes, minutes that seemed to drag on forever, Emily felt someone pick her up bridal style and start to carry her inside. When she brushed away her tears she saw that it was Toby, who apparently saw the lights and came running.
They walked inside and Toby sat down on the couch with Emily in his lap, while the girls stayed standing, not really knowing what else to do. Toby tried to say that it was ok, but Emily lashed out against him, trying desperately to push him away, telling him to leave her alone. He tightened his grip on her and held her closer, "no one is leaving you alone and you can fight me as hard as you want, but I am not letting go." Emily continued to struggle against him mostly out of frustration and abject pain, until eventually she stop and clutched at Toby jacket like it was her only life line.
"She was mine." She almost screamed it into Toby's chest.
Toby kissed her head. "I know she was." The rest of the sobbing was all non verbal and seemed never ending. The girls called their parents to tell them what happened and that they would be staying with Emily that night. Within ten minutes everyone's parents were arriving at the Fields house. They knocked on the door and a very defeated looking Pam Fields answered the door and ushered them in so that they all stood in the foyer of the house. They could see into the living room and worse they could hear what was going on. Emily's crying had softened, but it was still audible. Their daughters were sitting on the floor around Toby who was still holding onto Emily. Emily had Spencer's hand in a vice grip and Aria and Hanna were trying anything they could to help their friend. Ashley was the first parent to break the silence.
"And they are sure that it's her?"
Pam shook her head, "they'll be able to say for sure sometime tomorrow, but they were almost positive."
"Are you sure you don't want us to take our daughters home, leave you and Emily to work through this together?" Ella offered.
"I don't think she'll let them leave and when the tears stop and the full pain sets in, she'll need them, whether she knows it or not." All the parents let a bag for their children in the upstairs bedroom and quietly left. Before she left Ashley walked into the living room and kissed the top of Hanna's head and then leaned over and did the same thing to Emily. Emily looked up at the familiar face and through her tears said, "it hurts." Ashley knew parenting was going to have moments that she wouldn't know how to handle and having the girl who was like her second daughter, tell her that her heart was hurting was one of those times. She gave Emily another kiss on her head, "I know it does honey and I'm so very sorry that no one can fix it." Emily turned away from her and back to Toby, allowing Ashley to leave the room. About an hour later Emily had literally cried herself to sleep and Toby managed to get her upstairs and into her bedroom before leaving to let the girls try to get her dressed for bed instead of leaving her in her dress. After some work they managed to get Emily into PJ's and they all spread out in the room with Spencer sharing the bed with Emily.
The next day confirmed the worst and didn't help Emily's state of mind. Over the next few days the girls basically set up camp at Emily's house trying to help her. She stayed home from school, mostly because Pam couldn't get her to put on anything other than PJ's and she was still refusing to talk about anything that had happened. That Thursday, while the girls were at school, Ella and Ashley stopped by the Field house to check in. Pam answered the door and waved them in as she finished her phone call, "yes, so the funeral is going to be this Saturday. You want her to say something? No, of course, I know they were dating but I'll have to ask Emily, this whole thing has torn her apart. I'll let her know and I'll call you back later this evening. Ok, bye bye."
"Who was that?" Ella asked.
"Maya's mother, she asked if Emily would give the eulogy at the funeral."
"Do you think that she'll be up for that?"
"I hope so, she'll never forgive herself if she doesn't say goodbye her own way. But how can I ask my teenager to eulogize the person she loved? This is a complete nightmare and I still need to go run a few errands, but I can't leave her here alone."
"I'll stay." Ashley offered.
"We'll both stay." Ella added.
"You're sure?"
"Of course." Pam smiled and grabbed her purse. "I'll be back in half an hour tops. My best advice is that if she is playing music its good and silence is terrible. Last time she was quiet up there I asked if she wanted to pick out a dress for the service and she broke a lamp."
"We can handle it." Pam nodded and walked out of the house. Ella's head perked up when she heard some music from upstairs. "you think she'll get through this?"
"She just lost another person she loved, first Allison now Maya, I wouldn't have made it through one, but I hope she can find a way through this. Pam said she was talking to the therapist, but she hasn't been sleeping much and Pam's just afraid she is internalizing everything." The music changed, it sounded less like the radio and more like an actual guitar. Both women looked at each other before heading up the stairs toward Emily's room. As they neared the room they heard the music and they heard singing, they heard Emily singing. They stood at the door and listened as the girl sat on her bed with pictures of Maya and her scattered on the mattress.
You're ashamed about Nobody wants to be alone, And though I`ve gone away For better or worse you`re the one, And though I`ve gone away I hear you say And though I`ve gone away
all your fears and doubts
and how I hurt you.
Can you make it back from the aftermath
And how I left you
with the fear of letting go.
If you could hear me say
It`s gonna be okay
would you be okay
I still see what youre going through.
It kills me everyday,
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
I never thought I`d hurt
But looking back on these dreams
nothing is what it seems;
…know that you`ll wake up to better things
I still see what you`re going through.
It kills me everyday,
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
I don`t know how and I don`t know why
but there will come one day
when I will tell you all the things inside.
Just know theres someone above you to help you!
I still see what you`re going through.
It kills me everyday,
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
As the last note died Ashley and Ella were stunned, they didn't know Emily could play an instrument or sing, but mostly they were surprised that she finally was dealing with her feelings somehow. Emily looked up and saw them standing there.
"Hi."
"That was beautiful Emily." Ella smiled.
"Most mothers would be afraid of the lyrical content, they would think I'm suicidal."
Ashley took a step into the room, "are you?"
"I hate life right now, I'm sad all the time, I cry in my dreams and when I wake up, and I lost the person I loved more than anything else in this world. I hate life, but not enough to take my own; I still have too many people here that love me to leave them."
"So that's a no?" Ashley asked.
"I'm not going to kill myself no. I just need some time to be sad and for everyone to stop saying that everything happens for a reason."
"Sometimes they do." Ashley offered.
"No, this didn't happen for a reason or if it did it's a fucked up reason. I can still hear her laugh, I can still smell her perfume on my clothes and I can still remember how perfect she looks first thing in the morning when she wakes up. She was so important to me and now she's gone, tell me how that's fair?"
Ella shrugged, "I can't honey, I'm sorry."
"You all wonder why I haven't said much the last few days, or why I haven't come down and gone to school. No one has been able to help me, so I have had to find a way to feel better on my own. Otherwise, I'd throw the covers over my head and become a shut in. Call me crazy if you'd like, but the only way I'll ever be able to be happy with another woman ever again is if I can say goodbye to her my way."
"We just want to make sure you have support Emily. We just want to make sure that you're ok." Ella pointed out.
"I'm not ok, my girlfriend is dead, I'm not ok. But in time I will be."
"That's all we needed to hear. We can leave you alone if you'd like?"
"I think I'm going to take a nap."
"We'll be downstairs if you need anything." They left her room and returned to the kitchen. "You think she's telling the truth?" Ella asked.
"That she'll be ok in time? Yeah, she meant that; right now she is going through hell but one day she'll find her way back to being happy. Time really does heal all wounds, or at least makes them hurt less."