Over It Over Again
I've gotten over it
Over and over again
I've gotten sick of it
A lick of it will suck me back in
I've gotten over it
Over and over again"Over It Over Again" – She & Him
The tears came right after he left.
He was an idiot, she knew, but that tender spot in your heart for someone doesn't just go away in a few months. It had been a long time since she'd seen him, nearly a year. In that time she'd dated Paul, tried to move on, fall in love… and she'd come close.
It just wasn't right.
Neither Paul, nor Spencer. Especially Spencer.
But there he was at the theatre. A packet of soy nuts in his hand and a frozen yogurt in hers. Michelle. She had spun around in line for her fro-yo, spotted Jess in line for her ticket, and waved her over. Like they were pals.
They weren't. Jess was evasive in conversation, trying to appear composed, together, elegant and over it. But then she saw the ring, lovely and vintage. It was, Jess knew, his late grandmother's engagement ring. Her ring, she had thought.
That was Jess's breaking point. She took one long, hard look at Spencer and realized that they were absolute strangers. He had built this entire relationship with another woman. She felt her throat grow thick, so she politely curtseyed out of the conversation and cried in her sun-soaked car.
.
Nobody was home and she was glad for it. Jess slunk to her bedroom, threw her pillows to the floor and curled up on her bed. She felt deflated, flat, numb. She pounded her fists against her mattress and pulled on her hair. She was furious and heartbroken and didn't know how to express it.
She felt like yelling. Screaming, crying, vomiting. She screamed, to see if it would help. It did a little bit, though more tears followed and eventually drowned out her anger in sorrow.
Her head hurt. The force of the tears were causing her a headache.
.
Jess assumed hours passed. She had been at the theatre for the matinee and by the time she heard Schmidt, Winston and Nick outside her bedroom door, the sun was setting.
They were outside the door arguing. Jess heard a "Nick, just go in" and a "Why me?" before her door cracked open and Nick's face was peeking inside.
"Hey. Everything cool in here?"
Seeing her three roommates crowded around her door frame caused her to well up. She was reminded of why she was hiding in her room: Spencer. But she bit her lip and shrugged. "Just hanging out, you know!"
Hesitance was written all over Nick. His body language was stiff, unsure.
"Hmm, why is this woman cradling a WHAM t-shirt?" Jess tried to make light of the fluorescent green t-shirt that was balled by her face. She had gotten it out of her dresser drawer a couple of hours ago, hoping it'd comfort her. "Spencer bought it for me for a couple of years ago."
"I didn't ask." Nick wasn't sharp, just confused.
"On the topic of Spencer…" Jess took a deep breath, "he's engaged. Yay."
The three men winced. Literally winced. Schmidt and Winston opened their mouths to begin to console a freshly distraught Jess, but Nick spoke first. What came out of his mouth was alarming: "Do you want to talk about it?"
Yes, she did.
Jess shrugged. "I could write a book about it, probably. But I don't know if it'd sell. WHAM isn't really cool anymore. Not even in an ironic way."
"I'm probably only going to offer this once more in my entire life, but… do you want to talk about it?" Nick's stern, uncaring tone did little to dilute the sentiment of his message. "Five seconds or the offer is retracted."
"Yes! Yes. Sorry. I would very much like to vent and have you piece back together my shattered self-esteem. Please, sit, sir."
"Could you give us a minute, guys?" Schmidt and Winston were visibly surprised by Nick's earnestness for privacy. The obliged willingly, both offering a "Sorry Jess" before closing the door. Nick turned back to Jess, and said: "The guy is a douche, Jess. You don't want to marry him anyway."
Jess laughed. She felt tears forming again, her throat closing, but she laughed. She unballed the t-shirt and showed Nick. "I went through a very extended George Michaels phase." She wiped a tear from her eye and continued to smile, absurdly. "I mean, I was crazy, all up in that."
Nick's smile was unsure and amused, and a little judgmental. He let her go on.
"I wore one gold dangly earring for weeks. Careless Whisper was my jam. It was nuts."
"Sounds about right."
She got quiet. "He's marrying someone else, Nick. Not even a year after I move out, and he's marrying someone else." Her voice was cracking. "We were together for six years and now, after everything, he's living in our house with his fiancée and all I have is this stupid WHAM t-shirt."
He stayed quiet as she continued.
"It's the only relationship memento that I got when I went to get my things back from him. This is the last of him."
He didn't make a sound, just listened.
"I can't believe it." She sighed and hit her fist against her bed again. "I have a lot of rage, I think." Nick laughed. "And I was doing so well, you know? I had Paul, I was on the up and up. Now, look! I was going to go see The Lorax and bailed because I saw them at the theatre. I ditched Dr. Seuss!"
"You saw them at the theatre, huh?"
"Yup. And I was doing well – all lady-like and taking the high road – and then I saw her stupid hand and lost it. Not in front of them, of course." Jess sighed. "Though I did sit in the parkade for an hour crying in my car."
"Ah, Jess."
"Messy tears, too. I had the ugly cry."
"What does that look like?"
Jess tried to show him, with forced exaggerated sobs, how it was that she messy cried. He laughed with genuine amusement, encouraging her to go on. "You throw your hands up like that?"
Jess laughed, too. "That's how I do it." She feigned sobbing again. "Just like that."
Chuckling, Nick placed his hand on Jess's shoulder. "You know that you deserve better than Spencer, right?" His voice was gravelly, almost like she had no other choice but to see his logic and agree.
Jess felt stilled. She felt quieted and protected. "I know." Nick's hand stayed there for a moment, big and warm. She forced a smile and he smiled back. "It's just difficult." He pulled her in for a half hug – a little comfort. Jess closed in the hug by wrapping her other arm around him. She rested her face on his chest, tears springing to her eyes.
Nick didn't stiffen or pull away. He squeezed her in the most nakedly sympathetic way and stroked her hair. Jess shivered and sucked in tears. He let go and straightened her up by the shoulders, saying: "Alright. I think there's only one thing left to do."
Jess's curiosity was piqued. She cocked her head in question. She was a stew of emotions, some boiling, some brewing. She felt scattered. What was there left to do?
Nick left the room.
"Nick, where are you going?" She hollered after him, suddenly lonely without his presence. "Nick?"
He came back with the kitchen shears. Holding the bright-orange handled scissors to her, he proposed: "Ready to cut?"
"Excuse me?"
Nick grabbed the t-shirt from Jess and snipped at the hem. He looked up at her, shy about his bold act of defacing Jess's property with consent. She thought he looked genuinely worried.
She couldn't help but break into a grin. "Let me do it!" She sawed at the t-shirt furiously, slashing jagged cuts, little triangles of jersey cotton falling to the floor. She squealed. "Oh my god, I'm a masochist!"
Nick frowned and said, "No, no I don't think that's what this is."
Jess bubbled with adrenaline, destroying the fabric in her hands. "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm…" She sang George Michaels, swaying, making sporadic clips at the t-shirt. She felt strangely liberated, free, light.
Nick stood watching her twirl around as she snipped, his hands on his hips, smiling.
Jess threw the scissors to the ground, trying to tear the fabric with her own hands. The shears nearly missed Nick's socked toe.
"Alright, that's enough."
Nick tried to pull the scrap of fabric from her hand.
She gave in.
Fin.
I appreciate the lovely reviews from "Home"! Feel free to review this piece, too! You're all too sweet! xx