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-oO08( Nine Days Waiting for the Sun )80Oo-

by Kiray Himawari

Chapter I. Day One; Every day is different

I was in pain. I can remember it. I was always in pain… I don't know what I was thinking when I shut up my mouth; my mind. Of course I was the kind of person who didn't want to seem weak or fragile like some sick people, only because I believed that I was strong, but I wasn't. I was a totally fool.

That day was sunny, the clouds were playing in the sky, the wind was so peaceful, so warm, and the people walked and ran. I know I sound like a dreamer, but I was, in that time I was a dreamer; a simple dreamer. I hated when all of them tried to tell me what to do with my life, like if there was the necessity to study, to play, to talk, to feel, to breathe; to live… But I did not want to. At that time I only wanted to be alone, to die… Yeah, now I know I was through a depression, just I wanted to sleep without dream; without have to wake up.

At night I always heard their voices again and again, I hated them because they did not want to give up with me. They loved me for who I was, but I hated myself for that. I mean, why should I do? I didn't want to know about world because I was afraid that I like it, just because that made me weak… I was really afraid of feeling. I don't know when it started, but of course that pain was the excuse to start to crack. Then one day they watched my motions; my fails.

-o-

All of this started nine nights ago, around seven pm. I was in a chair waiting for a call from my doctor. It had passed half hour or something like that when a nurse called my name, so I got up and started to walk slowly. I just wanted to end all that shit about my bad health in the recent eight months. I didn't want to go to see a doctor but all people around me pressed a lot. I knew it always hurt but I didn't want to see a doctor because I was afraid of knowing that something was wrong. So I tried to deceive myself. I know it sounds stupid but it was; I was so scared.

I came in and I could see that the doctor's office was big with only a window; there were two booksellers full of medical magazines and books. Of course this was not the first time that I entered to a medical office, but I will never forget that day and that office. The light that was leaking through the window was so bright even I could almost feel my eyes being blinded. There was a horrible smell; I think it was a mixture of ammonia and lots of medicine. I really believe that said smell could kill me only because it reminded me about all those times that I was in a hospital; the smell of the death.

Most of people think about death like a simple nightmare that can be avoid only downplaying it. I know death is not a big deal, if you want to, but to me… to me death was the end of my dreams of being a successful man, a family man, a good human being. Death was synonym of end; no more sun tickling my skin, no more wind grazing my face, no more friends to talk to or fight, no more animals who play with, no more love, no more life…

The doctor took sit behind his desk, in front of me. "How can I help you?" he said with his careless voice. I didn't want to talk about what was happening to me; I just could not face the reality. At the end he had to ask some specific questions in order to make me speak. I told him about all those symptoms and that pain that I felt in my body, unfortunately, I could not tell him about all the pain which I felt in my soul; in my heart.

He took note about all I said then he asked me to have some blood tests, CT scans, scans in my body and lots of shit more. I asked him what was happening to me, but he refused to tell me a word, so I went to home without answers, without feeling better and without the wish of living. I can still remember their faces shining in excitement; they wanted to know the true, they wanted to see me falling down, tearing apart; they wanted to see me dead. I went to my room without explanations or a simply word, I only wanted to sleep, to die; to feel better…

The following day I woke up because of a nightmare about me being devoured by a black hole, by emptiness. It was absurd; emptiness could not consume me, could it? Surely God was playing with my pain, my suffering. And when I realized that I was awake, I started to feel that pain, that pain that crawled for all my body. The sensation of the time being suspended, my body becoming limp, the sensation of my lungs leaving to breathe… And then someone yelled asking for help... Then the entire world stopped to exist… I was in the darkness of the unconsciousness…

You can say that every day is different because one day you are fine, and then your world starts to become blur…

~oO080Oo~

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