Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Author's Note: This is my first SVU fic, and it's a lot different from the other ones I have written simply because it's written in first person. The entire story is from Olivia's point of view. Also, I'm very used to writing in past tense, so this is also a bit odd for me. Habit has me immediately going back to past tense, so I'm hoping that after all of the proofreading there won't be any slips out of present tense where it wasn't intentional. While there is not a specific time frame for this, it does take place at some point during season 13, more around the timeline of the most recent episodes. Other than that, it doesn't need to be exact.

Chapter One- Something Off

I know that look. God, I know that look far too well. But it isn't right. This isn't who that look should belong to. There is only one person who has ever watched me that way, eyes so full of fear for me, for my safety. One person.

Elliot.

And this isn't Elliot looking down at me. I don't understand, and I'm having trouble figuring out why this feels so off. The pieces just aren't fitting together. He's my partner. He should be here.

No. That's wrong. El retired. It isn't his face watching me, worrying about me. It's Nick Amaro's.

I thought I was over this. I thought I had accepted it. And I had. Really, I had. It had taken awhile, but eventually I'd come to terms with losing him and had stopped giving Nick the cold shoulder. He is a good partner even if he is still learning the intricacies of SVU.

"Olivia, stay with me."

El would have said the same thing. Odd how I haven't thought so much about him until now. Until I was bleeding on the ground. The first few months had been really hard. I'd thought about him everyday, unable to avoid moving on. Taking that step forward, moving on from him, I couldn't do it. Captain nearly had my ass for not helping the new guys, but I didn't care at the time. I didn't care about much of anything. As time passed, I'd started to come around until I slipped into the role of Nick's partner and mentor. Amanda's too really. After that I spent a lot less time watching Elliot's empty desk and dwelling over his absence.

I thought I was okay with having a new partner, but apparently that was only on a normal case. This case had started out that way, normal, but it had changed quickly. Me ending up bleeding out on the sidewalk after I'd been stabbed isn't normal. Or maybe it kind of is.

Seriously, what is it with me and knives? You would think on a job like this that I'd get shot, but no, I've never been shot. Only stabbed and sliced. Oh yeah, and poisoned.

I can't help the small laugh that bubbles out of me when I think of that. The captain still brings up the pickle thing from time to time.

Nick is looking at me like I've lost it. Gaping hole in my gut, blood pooling around me, and I'm laughing. Maybe he's right. Maybe I have lost it.

I'm not really sure. Then again, I'm not really sure about anything. Maybe I'm just slap happy from the pain. There is definitely enough of it.

Lying here like this makes me feel kind of vulnerable. I don't usually need protecting. Knowing that I can't protect myself right now is deeply unsettling for me. I won't allow myself to show that fear to Amaro though. He's scared enough as it is. The last thing he needs is for me to add to it. As long as I stay calm and in control, he'll be better off. I can do that for him even if it's hard.

"Liv? Focus on me, okay?"

I can feel the pressure increase on my abdomen. That means the pain will double. Odd. It doesn't. Hn. His free hand locks in mine and squeezes, trying to keep me with him and focused so I don't drift off. That's my blood making his hand feel sticky. At least I think it is.

Sheesh. He's so worried. I can read it in his eyes without even trying. Honestly, I'm surprised he cares so much. We haven't been partners long. He doesn't really know me. Not that that's his fault.

It's mine.

I haven't told him anything. Avoided all of the big questions, easily sidestepping them when he's asked. Details of my life I didn't want to share. Maybe I'm overly guarded, but I don't care. I can't break down the walls I've erected around myself. It's just safer that way. Safer for me.

"Ambulance is on the way," he assures.

Of course it is. Help tends to arrive fast in response to a 10-13, an officer down. Maybe if I listen hard enough I can hear it coming. It will give me something to do besides lie here and wait. Listening for the ambulance will direct my focus and keep me here and aware.

"Olivia, look at me!"

For goodness sake. I move my eyes back onto his, keeping my focus there. Apparently drifting into my own thoughts for even a moment makes him panic. He has no reason to. I'm stronger than that. It's not like I'm going to give up.

Not that I wouldn't mind the pain stopping or a few minutes. It's starting to become nearly unbearable. I've been in pain before, but it was always when I was in a situation that required quick thinking and action on my part. Any injuries I'd sustained were promptly followed by my taking out the guy who caused them or at least getting up to follow. Now I can do neither, which leaves me at a loss. Without a goal, all I have is the pain and any weak distractions I can come up with.

I sigh heavily, knowing pain is probably a good thing no matter how much I hate it. It means I'm still here.

Ow. I shift my hand out of Nick's suddenly vice-like grip. I guess he can't handle it if my eyes close longer than an average blink either.

"Amaro…"

"Right here."

Not what I was getting at, but okay. I'd have to let him know later that when your partner is hurt, squeezing their hand so hard that it's painful doesn't help. Actually, now that I think about it, this could very well be the first time he's ever had a partner hurt on the job.

It is kind of funny. Again in that sick, twisted, "this is just ridiculous" kind of way. When you're bleeding out you want someone with you who has experience and knows what to do. Amaro is a newbie at this. He's even more terrified of my continually increasing blood loss than I am. I have to give him some props though. He didn't freeze when I went down.