THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER-MAN GOES DOWN THE WATER SPOUT

Discription: No infringement is meant. MGM owns Stargate and Disney/Marvel own Ultimate Spiderman. This is for entertainment only and not meant as canon or to be taken too literally. Its just funny to think about.

Chapter 1: PVT SPIDER-MAN Reporting for Duty!

Nick Fury got out of the car in front of the White House. An aid pointed the way for him and in less than two minutes he was past security and standing in the Oval Office.

President Hayes, stood up and shook his hand. They had met once before when Hayes was getting his Top Secret Briefing but it had been very fast and understated. S.H.I.E.L.D. was not in the habit of explaining their actions and that was how the government liked it. "General Fury,"

"I don't normally go by that, Mr. President. Directory Fury, or Fury will be fine, Sir." Most wouldn't be ballsy enough to correct a president but Fury made his living being ballsy.

Hayes flashed a smile coving his annoyance. He sat just as the Joint Chiefs came in along with a Major. "Director Fury," Hayes said. "There is a situation and it is time sensitive. It has been suggested that your organization may have the best solution that will meet the needs of both time and limit the loss of life."

Yah, yah, Fury thought to himself, everything is an emergency, everything is time sensitive. What do you want? "I will do what I can, Sir."

Haynes looked to the other men in the room. Surprising Fury, which almost never happened, the Major stepped forward. The name plate said, Davis. "Director Fury, I am Major Davis. I am the liaison between the Stargate Program and the Pentagon. Are you up-to-date on the SGC, Sir?"

"Yes I am, Major Davis," Fury did not sit down but still stood in the center of the room. I know more about you than you think I do kid.

"Sir, there is a situation. On a mission our flag team SG-1 was able to locate and send back a description of a major weapons platform." he handed Fury a folder. "We do not have images but the description is detailed."

Fury started reading while the Major talked. "Our allies have informed us that it is meant to launch a massive warhead like weapon that is capable of entering hyperspace giving it the ability to cross vast distances from its point of origin and appear virtually anywhere in proximity to its target. They also have informed us that Earth is the intended target"

The Description stated that it was about 70 stories tall, with massive supports coming around in a circle or oval shape. A maize like circuit is both facility and generator for the platform. Weapon is as of yet unknown. A large garrison of both workers and soldiers communities around the structure. Heavy opposition as well as civilian and indigenous personnel. The structure itself was nearly 25 miles from the gate along un-broken terrain. Probably to protect it from an enemy attack to begin with.

"We have sent several teams of marines to try and destroy the platform or at least delay its prep for launching the weapon. UAVs armed with rockets, essentially all the military might of the SGC has not been able to accomplish the mission."

"What about SG-1?" Fury asked. "I was lead to believe SG-1 was capable of doing the impossible."

"They as well as SG-4, and SG-13 we believe were captured right after delivering this intelligence. The weapon is also scheduled to launch in less than 7 hours. Which doesn't mean they can't launch early if another attack is made." The Major stopped talking but it was clear he was stressed by the information.

Fury stopped reading and closed the folder. Turning back to the man behind the desk he dismissed the Major as no long important. "Mr. President, was is it you want from me?"

Haynes looked up him. "Well, I want to know if you have something that can deal with this?"

Fury gave nothing away. He was impassive as a statue. "I can give you an answer right now. Nuke it. Throw a naquadah enhanced bomb through and blow the planet to kingdom come. Problem solved."

One of the Joint Chiefs spoke up. "Director Fury, that is not considered an option at this point. The planet has a indigenous population that until recently was favorable to earth till the Goa'uld took the plant."

Major Davis added, "There is a possibility that the power of the blast would keep the stargate connection open and result in the gate acting as a conductor destroying the SGC if not most of North America as well. We've had issues with this before."

"Let me see if I understand this." Fury said. "A weapon is ready to fire. It can appear out of nowhere and we can not put enough troops on the ground the fight our way to it. We can't blow it away because the same weapon may cause damage on our side as-well. So you want me to do what?"

"Damn-it, Fury!" General Maynard stood up. "Stop playing around. Can Iron-Man or your Ultimates team stop this thing?"

There it is. You want the human weapons, the ones you hate so much, the ones that you keep complaining about every time they save your assess. Fury did not answer. At the same time was he thinking smug thoughts he was running through all the contingencies S.H.I.E.L.D had for a situation like this. 1st he could get Thor, Captain America, and Tony Stark together and come up with a strategy but that wasn't an option at this time. Tony was out with severe trauma from his last fight, Thor was unreachable in Asgard or wherever his home planet/dimension was. Cap could be called but from what he just read that was no good. Cap was probably the best as close quarters combat but the facts were that even he couldn't get that far that fast in the time they had.

Mobile weapons platforms - untested with the stargate

Bruce Banner - couldn't be found at this point.

Fantastic Four - Also unreachable a pocket dimension dealing with extradimensonal invaders.

X-Men - same speed issues as Cap, and they still needed someone that could handle any technical issues that came up. Could WASP or Ant-Man…maybe…

One name did keep coming up, but Fury kept dismissing it. Speed, technical expertise, stealth, work independently or with a group. There was only one that met all those specs but Fury couldn't do that.

"Director Fury," President Haynes, came around his desk to stand right in front of the tall menacing man dressed all in black. "I know you take a lot of crap from the government, from this office in particular but all of that doesn't mean a damn thing. We are talking about lives, uncountable number of human lives. Can you help us?"

Lives. It always comes down to lives. But were these lives worth his? Fury didn't think so but it wasn't his call…"I have someone in mind, Mr. President. I'll need some papers signed. And give me two and half hours to get him to Colorado Springs."

Peter Parker was sitting in class doing Math. Mary Jane was behind him and he could feel her staring dagger at him. She was still pissed about their break-up. How many times can I say I'm sorry. As if heaven itself was saving him the fire bell went off.

"Alright students, please leave your books and exit the room in an orderly fashion." the teacher said. The sprinklers went off and everyone made for the door in anything but orderly to escape the downpour.

Once outside there was the normal craziness when hundreds of kids getting out of the building, most soaking wet. Pete kept to fringes. His spider sense went off. BUZZ. Looking up Peter saw a big man coming towards him at a fast walk. Not wanting to get attention Peter veered off and started moving away from the crowd. "Whoever you are, lets do this somewhere else."

The buzz went off again and Peter knew two more were now ahead and to the side of him. "Okay, lets do this." Peter said to himself.

Peter turned a corner where there was only one way in. Before him was a wall. He was up and over faster than someone could blink and then back tracked. The three goons came into the dead end and he landed behind them and started walking away letting them sink into confusion. "they'll figure it out."

"Parker!"

Peter stopped dead in his tracks. A black van opened up and Nick Fury came out. "Get in the van."

"Hey, I thought you said I was to stay away from you. Now you come to me? Isn't this a double standard."

Fury pulled out a official looking piece of paper. "You've been drafted, get in the van."

"Wait," Peter said not moving. "I'm not eighteen yet. You can't - "

Fury was standing in front of Peter in one long step towering over him. "Parker! Get in the van, now."

For a moment Peter didn't have anything to say and meekly got in the van. Fury looked at the men just now coming out of the dead end where Parker had tricked them. "You three are fired!"

Fury got into the van and it drove away leaving the three plains cloths agents behind. "You got your costume right?"

"WHAT!" Peter, now in his spider man costume bellowed as they moved him from the van and he now saw a space age looking jet thing. Fury handed Peter the folder. "Listen to me, Parker. Read this on the way, get in the space ship and don't talk to anybody, you got it?"

Spider-Man took the folder in a dazed confused state - 'yeah. Got it. Um…space ship?" He was in the back-seat and the pilot said buckle in. Then they were air born…Peter had never even seen a plane go up this fast. "Wow."

He had a helmet the with the mask on he couldn't get the part that goes over his mouth to work so he left it off after making sure it was safe. The pilot gave an affirmative which was military speak for yes, Peter figured. "Okay, reading the file…Stargate Program, funny name." Peter read the first page. "Not funny, not funny at all." He looked out the window. "Um, I'm guessing we are not in the eastern US anymore?"

"Affirmative."

"Director Fury, I understand you are operating under the President's orders. So am I, but this is my command and no way in hell am I -." General George Hammond said. He had met Nick Fury once and had an instinct disliking for the man. He was the kind of person that made fast decisions and expected expediency to out way all out concerns. He also was known for not listening to anyone but himself and leaving messes for other commanders to clean up. Hammond had cringed when the White House called saying that S.H.I.E.L.D. would be sending its own to the SGC. The separation of the two Commands had been a big priority for Hammond since the SGC as founded. Nick Fury had been kept a distance from the Stargate especially when S.H.I.E.L.D. started dealing with their own alien threats. The man couldn't be trusted.

Fury was calling and flatly demanded that Hammond do three things, first, don't talk to his agent, just have someone give him the particulars and open the gate, second, keep everyone accept essential personnel away from the agent. The last thing was the most outrageous. S.H.I.E.L.D. would take control of the Gate Room the moment Fury was onsite.

"Sir," Walter Harriman poked his head in. "The SHIELD Agent is at the front gate."

"Director Fury, your agent is here, we have less than 5 hours…I'll talk to you when you arrive." He hung up the phone and sighed. That felt good. "Bring him down."

"Roger, Sir."

Spider-Man exited the elevator flanked by two army looking guys. No these guys are Air-Force. Is that better or worse? As they walked through the halls he saw everyone stop to stare at him. Several people dropped books or coffee mugs. One guy in full soldier mode dropped his rife. "Hey dude, you shouldn't do that." Spidey pointed out in mock humor.

As they walked, Peter did what he normally did when handling stress. "That's right, your friendly transcontinental Spider-Man has come to pay a visit to the troops. Thanks for all that you do keeping our country safe. From everyone in New York, thank you for your service." He even went as far as to reach out to shake a few hands but only one person actually took it.

He was led up to a strange two floor room like section with a staircase, and was led up it. The floor had a conference table and a window looking into a bigger room. There Spider-Man stopped and stared out at the big ring. "Wow," he said so low that no one would have heard him.

"Um, Sir," Spider-man turned to see a narrow shouldered man in a blue uniform. "Mr. Spider-Man,' The man trailed off staring at him.

Time to play it cool. "Just Spider-Man." Pretending to ignore the guards he walked over and took the man's hand and gave it a shake. "I'm here to help."

There was a visible sign of relaxation and the man continued. "Yes, um…the General will be in to brief you in a minute." They stared at each other for a second and then the man smiled and asked. "Can I get your autograph? I have a nephew and he loved your movie."

Peter didn't have a chance to answer when the door at the end opened and a heavy bald man stood in the door eyes wide.

General Hammond was putting together the briefing trying to pick out the most essential items. Time was getting away from them and he needed to brief the agent as fast as possible. There was a knock at the door. Looking up he saw Dr. Friaser in the door to his office.

"Doctor, I'm in the middle of something right now."

"Yes, Sir, but you should see this." The woman walked into his office and pointed out the window into the briefing room. Hammond followed her look and before he knew what he was doing he was in the conference room staring at Spider-Man. The Spider-Man.

"General Hammond, this is Spider-Man, the SHIELD Agent." Walter said.

Hammond closed his mouth. He had heard of the Ultimates and Spider-Man and even the X-Men but seeing one of them here…it was something he never expected. "Uh, yes, Spider-Man. Please have a seat."

Silently the masked man in the blue and red suit sat down at one end of the table. Hammond went back into his office and got his papers together. Coming back out he checked the clock on the wall. Less than 4 hours and 50 min.

"Spider-Man," Hammond began. "I don't know how much you have been briefed on the situation. We were not expecting you."

"That's okay, I didn't expect to be flown half way across the country in a space-ship." Hammond taken aback by the youthful voice coming from the featureless mask."

Everyone was quiet. Hammond, Fraiser, Harriman, the guards, no one spoke. "Okay, interrupting was not what I meant to do." Spider-Man said. "I'm a little intimidated and I talk when I'm nerves."

The very human admission seemed to knock everyone out of their daze and Hammond reviewed the individual across from him. "I'll be as simple as I can. Son. There is a weapon that we believe can kill everyone on this planet and we have no way of stopping it once it is launched. We have no allies that we can call on and our people on the other side of the gate may be captured or dead. Right now we need someone to go through and stop that weapon from launching. Secondary objective is to rescue our people from the enemy. Can you handle that?"

It was a over simplification but for Hammond it was the down and dirty of this mission. One man could not do it. SG-1 so far wasn't able to do it and they were, in Hammond's opinion, the best there ever were.

Spider-Man stared, or at least looked like he was staring at the General then turned and looked out at the gate. Visibly he breathed in, his shoulders rising and falling. He might have said something but Hammond didn't catch it. The costumed figure turned back to look at Hammond. "I don't have a choice." He said low. He sounded so young. He couldn't be more than 20 years old, maybe even younger.

"Alright," Hammond said. Harriman will give you the specifics and Siler can brief you on the technical aspects that we know about. Mission is ago in 30 min."

As Spider-Man was going to the door, he stopped and turned back to the General. "Uh, General, what's my rank, I just got enlisted but Fury never said what my rank was." The absurdity of the statement made one of the guards laugh, two quick ha ha's before she got control of himself. Hammond didn't know what to say, because he was also stuck between a laugh or seriously answering the question. "You know what, never mind. I have no where to pin it anyway and Privet Spider-Man just doesn't have the ring I'm looking for." With that he headed out following Harriman.

Fraiser who was standing in the corner turned slowly to look at Hammond. "Sir?"

Hammond had nothing to say."

Spider-Man was in the Gate Room and watched in awe as the rings inside the larger one started spinning. "So this thing I'm just guessing is a giant superconductor, capable channeling enough energy punching a whole in what we understand as space." He said to no one in particular. "And matter is broken down and then reassembled on the other side. Is there any chance that this is really just copying me on the other side and the me-me is destroyed, because that doesn't sound good." No one answered him. "Hey its not like I said I wasn't going either way."

He had a small backpack that was filled with a few gadgets that he really didn't know how to use. The C-4 had been the easiest. Siler had showed it too him and blanched when Spidey asked how exactly was he supposed to set it up. Its not like I've had any trouble blowing stuff up without C-4. They had also offered him a utility vest and body armor but he waived it off justifying that he should stick with what he knew rather than try to learn on the fly.

"Chevron seven licked," Came Harriman's voice over the loudspeaker. The game stopped spinning and there was a wave that Peter figured was a spacial distortion like how licked in a carton moved allowing air to take up the space so it can get out. There was even a KAWUSH then he was looking at a solid puddle. "SPIDER-MAN you are ago." General Hammond's voice came over the speaker. "There are 4 hours and 10 minutes till the weapon is launched."

Spidey gave a thumbs up and rolled up his glove showing a watch and made as if setting it. Then he went running up the ramp. There was a moment of cold and Peter saw himself go sipping down a tunnel with blue lights and then PEW, he was on a stone platform staring at a bunch of guy sin chain mail pointing sticks at him.

"Hey, guys, I'm Spider-Man and you would be?"

"CREE, JAFFA!"

Spider sense went off SCREAMING and Spidey jumped up. He landed on one guy's massive shoulders. He webbed out two guys to either side then pulled yanking them straight up off the ground. Spinning side ways he flipped the guy under him. Then he was on the ground and dodged a energy blast to his left then his right. A punch in the midsection sent on flying back 5 feet, "OW!" Spider cradled his hand dodging more fire that took out one of their own.

He webbed the last four together. "OKAY!, Now that that is over, why don't we talk for a moment."

"Jaffa! No'se, tel maro'k…"

"And you speak gibberish…u'mkay. Which…way…to…the…big…bomb…?" Peter looked up and saw over the tress what would be miles away a giant tower like building with giant legs sticking out of it. And it looked BIG. "I'm guising its that way." he started in that direction. The Jaffa lunged for him but only succeeded in tipping him and his four buddies over on top of him. "Yeah, you take a nap, guys don't crush him under you."

Spider-Man started running. There wasn't any time to waste.

Note: Okay, this was meant to be a 3 part story, just a quickie. I hope people like. Take some ideas and maybe I'll see some more of this type out there. Love reading reviews, they motivate me.