Death doesn't cover it

Summary: John wasn't the only one that regrets Jack leaving. But why did he leave? Why did the only person who could keep John in check leave him? And what problems will arise from those buried issues when John comes back? Takes place in KKBB. Jack X John (PAST/PRESENT), Jack X Ianto (Main), Warnings: Implied sex, Mental Issues, Death (detailed), Self-injury, and mature themes. Rated M for a reason (well, it has John. THAT would be the reason).

A/N: What's scrambling around inside John's head during "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang." Just because I thought everyone was making him just a little TOO soul-sucking. Jack might have had a… misguided choice in men, but I don't think he would've just willingly spent years of his life with a cold blooded murderer. Well, He might have, but John wouldn't be here to bitch about it. Also, there were clearly some deep emotions between the two of them, so it probably wasn't a one-way street when John said "I love you". Slightly AU… alright, VERY AU, 'cause I screw up most of season two. NO John-bashing. Although, a decent bit of Gwen-Bashing. Warnings: Jack X John, Implied sex, Mental Issues, Death (detailed), Self-injury, and mature themes. Don't like, Don't read. Don't like John, then you're reading the wrong fic.

John's shoulders wracked with soft tears. Jack stirred next to him, awakened by his partner's distress. John swallowed, regretting his lack of restraint. But still, the tears wouldn't stop. His mind's pleasure continued to play through his head, unable to be banished by anything.

"John?" Jack wondered sleepily. John rolled over, clasping his arms around the taller man's neck.

"Jack." He moaned, his voice ragged from tears. "Make it stop. Please. Make it stop."

"Shh," Jack tried to soothe, running his fingers through John's short, light brown hair. "John, I'm right here. What's wrong? Com'on, you have to tell me. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

John swallowed, freeing his voice just long enough to speak.

"My – my dream. In my dream – the pain – it – it went away." John shuttered, barely suppressing another bone-wrenching sob. "The pain – it made it go away. Oh, gods, Jack. It made the pain go away."

Jack smiled softly, rubbing his hands gently over John's back, trying to soothe him. "Shh… John. It's alright. It was just a dream."

"But – It – It felt – so – so real" John finally confessed, prompting another small smile from Jack.

"But it made the pain stop. John, I thought that was what you were looking for?" Jack's voice was now laced with confusion, demanding questions be answered before any solution would be found. "

"I thought that was good John."

There. Those fatal words had been said. John snapped, losing any meager restraint he had in a wave of acid flowing through his veins. Good? Had Jack just said that? GOOD?

"I – I" John gasped for breath, pleading that he would be able to block the bridge connecting their minds long enough to say it. Jack sensed the new wall in his consciousness. His brow furrowed with confusion, and he held John tighter.

"John? Com'on, tell me what's wrong?"

"I – I" John swallowed, before finally meeting Jack's eyes.

"I killed you."

A week later, Jack left.

Reviews make me feel warm & Fuzzy!

And write faster! That's important too!